She isn’t fair enough…

Dear Agatha,

I am an ardent reader of your columns. There is a saying that says it is better to do what’s right than to insist on being right.

I am 30-year-old, the eldest of my siblings. My immediate younger brother is married and already has a child. My people are pressurising me to marry irrespective of the fact that I am still in school. I’m demure and resilient. I used to have a girl friend always pestering me for money. 

Now, I have met another girl through her mother. 

It happened at a place I frequent to meet my friends. Because it is a place I must go to meet my friends, the lady’s mother is pressurising me to befriend her but I have refused. She’s into foodstuff business and always pestering me to buy on credit, though sometimes I oblige her. I can’t avoid her because she’s at the exit of the house. She always says she loves me because I am quiet. She’s from my hometown but married from another town. To get out of her pressure, I told her I prefer one of her daughters. Since the younger sister is the only one I have met besides the fact that the second daughter is always sharper than the first sister. So, I settled for the second. 

Agatha, I want to know if I should go ahead with this relationship.  She’s through with her secondary education. But the snag is that I like women who are very fair like me. She isn’t as fair as the ladies I have previous dated. Please help me.                            

Bernete.

Dear Bernete, 

The question is: what do you want from this relationship? Whether she is fair or not isn’t as important as the person who resides inside of her. Many a time, in the process of making a choice of who we want to spend the rest of our lives with we market issues that are not as important as those that we would contend with in the union. 

If just being fair is the only criterion for you, how come those other fair ladies you dated are no longer around you?

With the amount of pressure coming from your family, ensure the woman you are going to date now is the kind of woman you can live with for the rest of your life. At this stage of your life, anything can happen that would warrant your family and hers insisting you marry the woman. 

To avoid a situation where you would end up regretting your decision or blaming people around you for forcing you into a situation you don’t want, pause to think of what you understand by relationship in the first place. Is it for you just a physical thing one premised on outward qualities or the more lasting ones of who the person really is?

In addition, this relationship you are about going into calls for tremendous caution. If the conduct of the mother is anything to go by, there is the need for you to be of extreme care. To avoid you ending up with a wife, who like her mother would throw morals to the winds to run after younger men, take time out to study this lady before making any commitment to her. 

You must devote appreciable time to uncover the mask behind her personality. Issues like her moral values, her temper, attitude towards life as well as her place in your own plans in life are most important than the colour of her skin. 

There is also the need for you to ask yourself what kind of woman you really want beside you, putting into consideration your dreams in life. Your woman must have the drive and belief in your dreams to help you get to where you hope to be in future. Without the right kind of woman by your side, achieving your dreams would either be a struggle to achieve or die completely as other factors she would throw up at home could frustrate you sufficiently to make you give up on your own plans. For instance, if your dream can only accommodate two children and you end up with a woman whose dream in life is to have as many as 10 children, the difference of eight children is enough to sink your dream forever. So ensure you first offer her friendship, it is the only platform to discover if you and her can make it beyond the point you both are now. 

In addition, you must also factor in the attitude of her mother? Beyond trusting the daughter, do you think you can trust the motive of her mother? Can you trust her to behave like a mother-in-law should when the daughter isn’t around? A woman who has cravings for a particular man doesn’t just give up. Honestly, this to me is the major worry in all these! Can you contain the unbridle desire of a morally bankrupt mother? 

Please talk to God to avoid you going into a relationship that could cripple you spiritually.

Good luck. 

We’re like strangers sharing the same house

Dear Agatha,

I have a challenge in my marriage. My wife not only nags but she is lousy, dirty and knows nothing about fashion. 

She knew when we met that I love very fashionable women. 

In the first year of our marriage, she managed to hold on to the qualities I noticed in her. 

But eight years down the road and with three children, she has now neglected herself so much I can hardly recognise the woman that lives with me in the same house.

Honestly, I am fed up trying to correct her. She instantly flares up each time I try to bring up the issue of her appearance.

She ends up accusing me of having extra marital affairs and that I want to turn her into one of the women I am dating outside our home.

I don’t have a girlfriend now but I am seriously contemplating having one if it is the only way to have peace in my home. 

With a girlfriend, I won’t have to bother how my wife looks like or what it is she is not doing. I still care about her, which is why I am complaining, if I don’t there is no way I would notice all these things about her.

What I can’t reconcile with is the fact that she has allowed those around her shop to influence her negatively. 

She doesn’t behave like one who has seen the four walls of a school not to talk of being a graduate. 

Everything about her screams illiteracy.

It is so painful because this woman was once my pride. 

Her level of reasoning these days keeps baffling me. 

If I didn’t know better, I would brand her a complete illiterate. 

These days, I don’t even bother to discuss anything with her.                                                                        

I have done everything humanly possible to make her appreciate my feelings for her but she keeps frustrating me at every point.

I have gotten to that stage in this marriage where I am ready to walk away from it all but I don’t want my children to suffer. 

These days, I don’t feel any excitement for her and have been sleeping in the guest room for over two months now. 

The situation is that bad we are like two complete strangers sharing the same house.

Much as I have never supported divorce, Agatha, I am no longer interested in this marriage but I need help with the children. 

How do I do away with their mother without my decision having negative impact on the children?

Moses.

 

Dear Moses,

Marriage is a process of constant stock taking and realignments. 

Yes, you may have in your estimation done everything humanly possible, but until you achieve results, you haven’t done anything at all. Divorce is usually not the first option because there are no guarantees that the next person would fare any better. 

It only becomes an option when everything else fails and there is a threat to life.

In your case, there is no threat to life nor have you done all you should have to save your marriage.

From all you have said, it is obvious you lack the knowledge of how to get her back into line.

This means you have to get her people involved in the matter. 

No woman wants her marriage to collapse hence would do anything to protect it once she smells danger locking in the corner.

She hasn’t taken you serious in your complains because the matter is still limited to the two of you. 

Once you tell her people what you have been facing as well as your decision to walk away from it all, she would begin to take you serious. Nobody would tell her the truth like her people; these are people she grew up with and can’t accuse of bias like she would your people.

Tell them everything. At this critical stage, don’t hold back anything for the sake of your children. Also, go to those friends she started with; the once she grew up with and were in school together. 

Get them to use their lives to point her at the differences between them and her; remind her of her place.

Let them help you remind her that you are not against her interacting with those she is trading with but that she should be able to hold her own any day. 

She should be the one influencing them and not the other way round.

Since she is likely to protest you talking her out to get her the kind of dresses you want her to be in, look for a friend who has the time and passion for exercises. 

Pay for her to be enrolled in one of these exercises centers. 

Give this friend money to take her shopping. Pretend not to be involved in the efforts of her friends to repackage since it might cause a division between the two of you.

In a way, you are also to blame for who she has become. 

When was the last time you took her out? One thing is to complain another thing is to demonstrate your care. 

Yes, she is fat, shapeless and a nag. These are physical changes. The person you married is buried somewhere behind all these changes. Deep inside her is that sweet looking lady you decided on out of all the women you dated!  

That woman hasn’t gone away but simply lost in the challenges you are both facing as a couple. Your wife needs something, a memory from the past to bring her back. 

What were the things she likes when you were still dating? That special gift, place she liked? When was the last time you took her out?

Just like you have observed about her, are you still the same person she married? Do you still have her time like you did back then? Has it occurred to you that some of these changes you observed in her maybe a reaction to your attitude towards her; a cry for your attention? 

Over time she may have tried to get your attention but didn’t and may have decided that the only way to is change dramatically from the look and attitude you knew to this stranger. If nothing else, at least you are beginning to notice her. 

Most times, couples take each other for granted; perhaps along the line you took her for granted.

Whatever it is, both of you must come out of your self-imposed worlds and think of the children. 

She has to stop hurting herself while you must make the effort to look beyond her present state of mind and appearance to what would become of you less than 10 years old children. 

What excuses are you both going to give the children? Whatever your disappointments are with her, please exercise the patience to make her see reasons with you. 

She may not be able to regain her pre-motherhood looks but with the right encouragement and devotion from you, she could regain the looks and disposition to make you proud.

By removing focus from her appearance to what precisely is her grouse and disappointment with the marriage, you set the pace for your reconciliation as a couple.

She must know you really care about her person and not just has looks.

Finally, always be focused on God in your marriage. 

It would help you not to take a decision you would end up regretting along the road.

Good luck.  

She’s too loose to be trusted

Dear Agatha, 

I admire how you solve peoples’ problems. I’m a 22-year-old boy in love with a 20-year-old girl.

It all started when she was in SS3. I sometimes assist her financially. She is always the one asking me to take her out and seems to know all the waiters in these places. She is forever telling me the various places these waiters have worked before their current employment.

I discover she is the outgoing type. There is one day I took her out, she complained of my going to the waiter many times that I am embarrassing the waiter.  

There is this night I saw her with about three boys in a dark place. One of them took her to one restaurant nearby.

I called her that night to ask her where she was. She told me she was with a friend. I dropped the call and deleted her number from my phone.  She called me two days later to know how I am doing. Do you think she is worth of my love? I love her so much.

Concerned Boyfriend.

Dear Confused Boyfriend, 

Relationship is about trust. The fact that you saw her talking with boys and ending up in a restaurant doesn’t mean she is involved with him. They could just be friends. Just as you have some girls as friends so also she will have some boys as friends.  When you called her, she didn’t lie about where she was. If she had something to hide, she could easily have told you she was at home or at another place. Whether you like the sound of it or not, the person she was with happens to be a friend and not an enemy. One doesn’t eat out with an enemy. So deleting her number from your phone on account of the description of the person she was with as a friend is uncalled for.

Obviously, both of you need a lot of growing up to do. No relationship survives on suspicions and unreasonable bursts of emotions. Even if you think the other person is more than a friend, good judgement demands you give her the benefit of doubt to properly explain herself before jumping to conclusions. Be careful you don’t allow your doubts to overshadow you. It highlights the presence of lack of confidence in your ability as a man to hold your own with a woman. 

When next this happens don’t react immediately call her afterwards for discussions. It is always best to dialogue in a relationship than to allow yourself fall into the trap of unsubstantiated allegations, which more often than not end something that has the prospect of positive growth. How did you feel when she called you afterwards to ask after your well being? 

Even, if there was a real issue with her conduct, deleting her number from your phone isn’t a panacea to it. At every point, always endeavour to embrace dialogue in your relationship. It is the only way to protect a relationship from unwarranted misunderstandings.

One thing you should not ignore is the fact that she is at the age in a woman’s life when men would never leave her alone. Whether you like it or not, the same qualities you find in her is what would also attract other men to her. You simply have to learn to trust her good judgement and moral values. 

On the issue of whether she loves you or not, you simply have to give both of you time to grow it. You both have to learn to be good and trusting friends first. Once you are able to overcome this hurdle, finding love would be very easy and achievable. But for now, don’t rush yourselves into something you both don’t have an idea of how it works to prevent crippling emotional aches capable of derailing your dreams.

For you to cope with her, you must first devote time as a friend to understand who she is and what makes her happy and what her dreams are for herself as well as both of you. It is only when you understand what each of you are made of that you can have a profitable relationship.

Good luck.  

 

Girls disgrace me over petite organ

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I have closely observed how you help people solve their problems through counselling. I am 24 years old, but there is this problem with me that I have been battling with since I became conscious of myself as a man. 

It has to do with the size of my manhood that is as small as that of a boy of ten. I have been trying to cope with it, but my girlfriends always disgrace me. I don’t know what I can do to get my pride as a man. If you know any drug that can enlarge my manhood, please kindly prescribe it to me. Save me from the constant disgrace my size subjects me to.

A.Y.

Dear A.Y.

Any woman who makes fun of you because of your size of penis isn’t worth your time. This is because we were all created with one defect or the other. Granted some are not as obvious as yours but there is no perfect being. Life is generally about learning to make do with what we have. It is the first step to personal integrity and happiness in life. 

The world isn’t ready to build but to pull down which is why you must strive to give yourself the much needed encouragement to have the presence of mind to source for a workable solution to your problem. In the state you are now, you are liable to making some costly mistakes because of your desperation to change the way God made you.

Relax and take stock. Is the situation really as bad as you think? Is it solely a problem of the size or that of not knowing how to utilise what you have? Many a time, the problem is with the most rewarding positions to adopt. Some positions definitely do not give a woman the kind of satisfaction she craves for making it obvious to the man he has problems with his size while other positions give him volume and length.

In getting it right, you must first discuss your problems with your woman to give her the patience to go along with you when it matters the most. But before then, you must also arm yourself with information on the various positions that are helpful to the less endowed man. Just like women have learnt to package their boobs to give volume, a man’s strength is his knowledge on the right position to adopt.

Frankly when it comes to sizes, there is no universal size. Only a woman can determine the ideal size for her. While some women can tolerate large men, some prefer someone like you who won’t give them too much stress and discomfort that come with large men. 

The thing is to get a trusting and adventurous partner, one who understands and ready to help. As you have found out, the wrong kind of partner can shake your confidence as a man.

This is why you must look for a woman who is your friend, one who has the maturity and knowledge of life that it is a compromise between what we want and what we get. 

Even if you get the right kind of drug or surgery, the fact remains that if you don’t build on your level of confidence as well as the right kind of woman, you still won’t find happiness at all. As for drugs, I have read and heard of some wonder drugs, for me, but its best you go through some soft sell magazines for the phone numbers of the marketers and producers of such drugs. 

Surgery is also an option but be sure you go to the real professionals in the field to avoid greater regrets. Go to any teaching hospital nearest to you for consultation and help. 

You could also get the phone numbers of the plastic surgeons too in the same soft sell magazines. On the alternative you could google for some sites that offer such products and services.

Whatever happens learn to live with the person you are. This is important. Good luck.   

He threatens to go for another wife…

Dear Agatha,

 Please counsel me on how to handle this situation I have found myself. In the month of July my husband and I performed our traditional marriage. We postponed the church wedding to a later date due to insufficient funds. 

To my dismay, I have not been able to get pregnant for reasons I don’t know. We have both gone for medical examinations and were certified fit to have babies. Ordinarily there shouldn’t be any reason to worry about given the fact that it is just three months after, but when I saw my period recently, he was worried like I was too.  

Seeing the line of worries on his face, I jokingly asked him what he will do if I am unable to be pregnant, he said we would adopt two children and that he would try having children with another woman since he can’t come to this world without having a child to call his own. He said if he is the one having the problem that he would give me permission to sleep with another man, get pregnant and bring the child to him as his. 

Though he already has a three-year-old son from a previous relationship, I know I will get pregnant provided I master my ovulation period. I have been pregnant before. But what if my husband is unable to wait for me to, and so goes about sleeping with other women? Do I take his statement as a warning signal? He is from the west and presently I know he isn’t cheating on me but I am bothered about what he said. 

I decided not to take him up on this statement but get through to you before I do that. Please help me.

Mary.

Dear Mary, 

For any marriage to work certain things are best ignored. Keep the information in your memory bank; use it to remind God of His promises to you. Nagging him over the issue would not change anything; instead it would complicate issues and cause problems between the two of you.No man likes to be nagged by a woman. Actually you should be grateful that he told you the truth. It showcases him as an honest minded man. Not many men would have been so blunt about such a sensitive issue. They would have told you lies, assurances that they would stand by you through the thick and thin, while they have the intentions of doing the exact opposite of what they told you.

Give it to this man, he holds you in high regard to have been so forthright. 

Besides it is too early in the day to worry about your inability to get pregnant. The danger of worrying about getting pregnant is the unnecessary delay you put on yourself. You simply have to forget worrying about it else you depreciate your ability to conceive on time. Anxieties are forbidden for the woman looking for the fruits of the womb. The fact that the issue is already generating mild problem between you and your husband shows that you have already allowed the bug of anxiety into your mind. Be assured that what you are passing through is normal. Not every woman takes in immediately. Because we were all not created equally, our lives are divinely patterned to glorify the name of God in our lives. At His appointed time as long as the doctors say you are both okay you will get pregnant. Besides, you must learn how to fight your marital battles on your knees, not through nagging or making a fuss about statements he makes. 

Since you know what his plans are what stops you from committing it into the hands of God? Being the creator of his heart, commit that heart of his to God, asking for compassion, understanding and the patience to stand by you until you get pregnant and begin to have your own children. Everything you want to tell your husband, take to God who knows and has the powers over everything.

If you decide to confront him on your own it boomerangs on you. Marriage is a journey of plenty of wisdom, caution, patience and a lot of prayers. Prayer is the weapon every woman needs to make the difference in her home. Make God the major partner in the home. When you get confused and angry on any issue, please take the issue to Him in prayers. The only warning is for you to be very close to God always.

Good luck.

Still bland on marrying me 12 years after…

Dear Agatha,
I’m a lady of 28 years of age. My fiancé and I have been dating for more than 12 years now. He is the last born and only man of the family. Both
families supported the relationship until 2008 when his mother died.

It was after the death of his mother that they got to know that he built a house in our names. All his sisters condemned him for including my name in such an important project. They all wondered why he did that considering the fact that we are both not yet married. In their reasoning, it shows that I will prevent them from having unhindered access to their brother and his property when we eventually marry.

We are still on the matter. Agatha, I am surprised because this is a man who has done so much for his father and sisters to establish them and make them independent of him.

Painfully, my fiancé is weakening my position in his life and family by his attitude. One of the reasons they are giving for opposing his decision to include my name in the house documents has to do with the other ladies he has also introduced to the family. There is this one in particular, I have noticed around him for two years. When I confronted him, he had the grace to admit having a relationship with her. As a matter of fact, he confessed to being in love with the lady just as he is with me.

His sisters have decided he should marry this other lady. According to the sister, what pains her about the whole development is the pregnancy my boyfriend asked the other lady to terminate. There is another lady who is always calling me on the phone to insult me. When I complained to my boyfriend, he apologised on her behalf.

According to his sisters, they would prefer he remains single rather than marry me.

Although I have indicated my interest to terminate the relationship, he is unwilling to let go of me just as he is also determined to hold on to the other lady. The lady is a northerner while we both come from the western part of the country.
Please, Agatha advise me on what to do because I have told him off. But he keeps saying, I shall surely come back to him even if out of anger I marry another man. I can’t explain it all.

Worried Fiancée.




Dear Worried Fiancée,

The issue goes beyond what he wants to what you want. This is a man you have dated for 12 years. What prevented both of you from making your relationship permanent? It couldn’t have been due to lack of money so why did you both wait for this long? What were the issues you were both having in the relationship until things got to this point? Has he always had women in his life all these years? If not, at what point did he change?

For him to have added your name to the documents of his house shows his feelings for you are real and that he has sufficient trust in your person. However his insistence on having the other woman too in his life along side you indicates that he may not be the kind of man that is satisfied with having one woman in his life.

To be able to understand him, you must be objective about your relationship with him as well as his flaws and yours. Who is this man you have dated for 12 years? What are his plans for himself, his idea of marriage and his major concern in life? Having been with him for these number of years, you more than any of these women is in a better position to describe him. What has kept both of you together all these years? Would you describe him as a womaniser? Do you think he would ever let go of the other woman once his mind is made up about her? Since you appear unwilling too to go, do you see yourself agreeing to marry him irrespective of his other women? Do you see him being able to offer you the kind of protection you need against the hostility of his family members?

Is the issue of the name on the documents the only reason his family is now against you? Why is the death of his mother affecting your relationship with him? Have you ever been pregnant for him before? Has he insisted you get pregnant for him?

If you had, why did you terminate the pregnancy (ies)? Were the decision to terminate his or yours? And if you have never been pregnant, do you think this could be the reason he is insisting on marrying another woman? Why does his sisters prefer the other girl to you?

Have you in the course of your relationship with him given his family the impression that without you nobody can have access to him?

Your problem with him could also be that you have both outgrown your relationship. If you are 28, you obviously started dating him when you were merely 16 years of age. At that time, you didn’t know what you were going into. Besides your dream and interests then were of a different kind, not the kind you have with him now. Chances are both of you may have grown apart in ideas, feelings and dreams even though you have been able to keep the relationship going.

Having become too familiar with yourselves, the relationship may have reached a peak you cannot move it forward for lack of ideas on what to do. This challenge, if properly handled, could help you in particular know your area of strength and weakness. Unless you develop the thirst to move it forward, it could all collapse like pack of cards. To get this right, you must begin to look at your man from a fresh angle; revisit your dream of your ideal man as well as the qualities you found in him then and what you now know are real and fake about those qualities that attracted you to him.

This isn’t the time for you to pretend to want what you know you cannot cope with down the road. Doubtless, you would miss not having him in your life but admitting to the truths now would help you know what realistic steps and options you have. At this critical point in your relationship, you need to take some drastic steps and one of them is calling him for a very frank discussions. Let him tell you what you don’t know about all that is happening between the two of you and why he isn’t satisfied with having only you in his life. Insist he tells you what your faults are with a view of helping you avoiding them later in life. You have to know what his mindset is to enable you determine what your final decision would be.

The issue may just be a temporary separation to refresh on your dreams. Going down memory lane helps a great deal in helping couples heal the disappointments in their relationship. You are no longer 16 but a 28-year-old woman, who is now more matured and in charge of her life than the innocent girl that entered into this relationship 12 years back. Unless she is given a chance to express herself, just like your man too need to come out of the age he entered into this relationship and enter his current age both of you would continue to experience this confusion.

Doubtless you are both fond of each other but your adults’ selves must come out of the decisions your teenage years made for you urgently. You must answer the question of whether you both want to marry or not, as adults. This declaration would help him come out with the truth he is obviously battling with which, in fairness to him, he may not even know.

The earlier you did this the best for you because time is of essence to you.

However, don’t ignore the issue of a spiritual angle. When did this present girl surface in your relationship? Was it before the mother’s death or after?

In making the final decision, please find time to be with God. Pray and fast because whether you like it or not, this relationship would affect you in more than one ways especially if both of you are throwing in the towel. It would be 12 years of your life that would be ending. Therefore you must be assured by God that you are on the right part, so the pains of your break up would not prevent you from falling in love again or pressure you into dating someone who is all wrong for you.

Such moments would also point you at the adversary in your relationship. Ask God to deal with all your confusions himself.

Good luck.

She goes angry for expressing my mind…

Dear Agatha,

What is wrong in telling a lady you are meeting for the first time that you love her? I am 32 years of age. There is this lady I met at a fast food shop. Something in me melted when I saw her but to my embarrassment when I approached her to declare my love for her, she did not only snap at me but also called me a fool. I felt bad and humiliated by her attitude. What did I do wrong?

Worried Man.



Dear Worried Man,

So many things are wrong with your approach and utterances. You don’t meet a woman the first time and tell her you love her. Such a declaration is not only annoying but presents the man as unserious and lacking in knowledge of what love really is. If she insulted you, it is because you gave her the weapon to. Coming from a man of your age, must have really irritated her beyond measure. If a young man, just coming up in life makes such a statement, he can be forgiven because he lacks the experience to know there is a world of difference between admiration, likeness and love. But certainly not from someone who has gone through some stages in life.

Besides, such a declaration at first meeting is an indication that you are only interested in her body and not who she really is. Love isn’t that cheap, it comes with a lot of sacrifices. Granted there are some people who actually fall in love at first sight, but for most people, it isn’t that easy. Even when you fall in love at first sight, caution demands you devote sufficient time to find out about the person behind the façade. Love is too important a feature in one’s life to be given such an insignificant treatment.

No woman worth her salt would fall for such a prank. At 32, this woman expected you to be wiser, full of experience to know that it takes more than an outward appearance to make love grow. Love is the meeting of the persons inside, not the one everybody sees. It is a soul meeting of two strangers, who are resolved by what they feel to make their union work irrespective of what happens down in life. It is an embodiment of friendship, trust, loyalty, endurance, unconditional sacrifices as well as determination. Love is a meeting of the soul and spirit. It goes beyond the physical. True love that comes from a fountain of friendship is at all times ready to forgive. It is not only blind to faults, but also oblivious to one’s looks. It constantly sees problems as challenges that give life true meaning, always ready to make excuses where others see faults.

This comes from the person’s disposition, character, attitude as well as general attitude to life. Love nurtures respect, responsibility, humility and openness. These are things you cannot determine at first meeting. As a man searching for the right woman, it goes beyond the physical presentation of a woman. What do you know about the woman you claim to be in love with? Does she in the first place share in your dream, is she respectful and has the right kind of attitude to help you achieve your dream in life? Would she always be your best friend, offering you the kind of support that overshadows any doubts and clear signals of failure?

You don’t get these things at first sight. Any man or woman determined to have happy marriage should be more interested in the inner package the person he or she intends marrying. When next you see a woman you admire, don’t succumb to the overwhelming feelings inside of you, simply give her a compliment on her looks. This way, you get her to smile in appreciation of your comments. That smile has broken the ice and you could ask for her phone number.

From her reactions to your demand for her phone number, you would know if she is gamed or not. Don’t mention the word love until you are sure who she is after several meetings. Always remember, a woman is more than her appearance and body; women want to be appreciated for their intellect as well as for who they are. Love is not a fast food feeling or venture. Rather, it is a journey of absolute patience to get it right. It needs thorough cooking to get its right texture.

Good luck.

Man avoids body contact with me

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for us.

I have a relationship that has lasted almost a year now. It all seemed good at inception, but things later became unclear as I found it increasingly difficult to decode what my man wants from the relationship.

We are both in our 30s. Looking back, I really cannot say I have been happy in the relationship as it seems I have been the one working to keep it going. At a point, I called him to let him know that we haven’t been able to achieve our expectations for the relationship; that we should consider going our separate ways for good. But he wouldn’t hear of it and promptly promised to make amends.

Six months into the relationship, he started talking of plans to see my people. Shortly after, I couldn’t resist his sex advances anymore; six months into the relationship, we had sex for the first time. Surprisingly, I became pregnant. Even though we took measures after sex, the child still stayed. We both agreed to keep the pregnancy and formalise the union before the stomach starts bulging.

Few weeks later, I had problem with my accommodation, he suggested that I move in with him, while gradually planning for the traditional marriage.

Agatha, my dilemma is that things seem to have changed suddenly. He no longer has respect for me, approaches me in manners that are abusive, unfriendly and insulting. I have realised that he is very harsh. Communication is totally lacking in our relationship. I don’t know what to say or do to change his attitude towards me.

He stays glued to the television watching movies day in, day out ignoring my need for him. Even when I requested for his presence, he tells me he will join me soon, but keeps away still. He rejects my sex advances and avoids body contact with me.

I have tried to fathom what could be responsible for this, but have not found any answer. I know I am clean, so he cannot be irritated by my appearance. I am afraid for this union because it is a caricature of the kind of life I envisaged with him.

Furthermore, we both work. I give him breakfast of bread and tea in the morning, he has his lunch while at work and for dinner, I prepare either pap and beans cake, noodles or yam and egg or vegetable or rice. This has been the routine. I would like to experiment with other dishes as we appear to be fed up with the same meals every week but Agatha, I have no clues on what else to prepare.

Please, how do I get the love and affection of this man back? I can’t imagine myself spending the rest of my life with a man who sleeps on the same bed with me, yet refuses to touch me even though he knows how much I desire having sex with him. If things continue like this and we get married, one or two things or both will happen. I will either be unfaithful to him by having affairs outside or would be frustrated and kill myself. What we have right now is just a house and not a home. It’s so boring. What do you advise? There is so much distance between us; we can’t even freely share our thoughts.

Worried Woman.







Dear Worried Woman,

There is so much that go into building a good relationship. It is a tortuous journey and one which requires absolute patience, wisdom, diplomacy, sacrifice, determination and understanding to make it work.

One year is too short for both of you to get the required understanding to push on.

I like to compare the process of getting to the ideal relationship to the process of washing the bitterness off a bitter-leaf. Without patience and dedication the washer will not get it right. The same technique is required of a relationship and marriage. There is no rushing the process or a short cut to tolerance. As a matter of fact, relationship requires more than mere tolerance to make it work, it requires stupidity on the part of one of the parties to get it into shape.

In this instance, you would have to learn to be tolerant to make your relationship with this man work.

Frankly, you both didn’t give yourselves and this relationship time to grow a proper tap-root before the pregnancy came.

A relationship planned for eternity requires more than what both of you invested into this relationship to make it work.

Before both of you destroy something that has the potentials to be good, there is the need for you especially to go back to your drawing board. This is because often time, the past provides us with pointers on how to navigate the future. Rich in experience, the past is our heritage for a better tomorrow. Can you remember what first attracted you to this man as well as the thrills of those embryonic days of your relationship? Why him from among the many offers you had? That you settled for him shows that there is more to him that your current situation is permitting you to remember.

The essence of this exercise is to remind you of those things that never change about us. No matter how situations and states of our minds deceive us into thinking otherwise, those first feelings we feel for our partners never really change. They remain buried in our minds and only need certain level of concentration to bring them back and remind us of those things that are most important.

The real challenge is our willingness to go down memory lane when present circumstances crowd our minds with negative thoughts.

This kind of reflection would also help point you at the mistakes you have also committed along the way. Because of the intensity of your emotional pains as well as the disappointments you currently feel at his behaviour, chances are you may not even think you are to blame for anything.

Can you think of your contributions to this impasse? How much has your attitude affected his’? During the process of emotional pollination and integration, we import not just the positive but also the negative. The influence of our negative importation most of the time inform the reactions we get from our partners who out of disappointments begin to exhibit attitudes that end up becoming our major cause of irritations.

Has your being pregnant unconsciously affected the way you relate with him? For instance, has it given you the confidence to call his bluff on certain issues, taken it for granted that you have him whether he likes it or not? Sometimes we put certain attitudes without pausing to evaluate its implications on those close to us.

You appear more concerned about the sexual side of this relationship than in other areas. Has it occurred to you that the fear of being a father, his lack of unpreparedness could frighten him off sex for a while? And for some first time fathers, the thought of making love to their women when pregnant scares them for fear of hurting the baby growing inside the womb.

Planning for marriage and a baby at the same time isn’t easy. These are both capital intensive projects a man doesn’t venture into without making proper arrangements. He could be bothered about where to get money to sustain you and the baby. That you are both working isn’t enough for some men.

From your own admission, your culinary ability isn’t wide enough to excite any man. What you give him are things he can do on his own so what is the essence of your being in his house?

You need to cultivate is palate with dishes he would always want more of. It would do you a world of good to know what he likes and learn to do it differently. A talk with his mother or sister would give you clue into what he wants.

Most men are like babies and like a mother, you have to think ahead, guess what makes them most happy. Look for an elderly woman to teach you the secret of good cooking; not with modern seasonings but with those native spices that never fail to bring on the smile to even the most difficult man to please. You have to help remind him of his mother’s cooking. Also get another person to teach you contemporary cooking. You just must find a way of getting him to stay excited.

Don’t force communication. It is always best to lead by example. Open up on yourself. Engage him in general talks before moving on to personal talks. To do it right, find out an issue he is passionate about and use it as a spring board for your communication.

On the issue of sex, you can get him to do your bidding without talking or making it obvious. Get music, the right kind of night-gown, the right kind of pants, perfume and the right touch of make-up here and there to get him rushing into your arms. He may not like a woman making the first move but you can help fire his interest.

Above all, learn to pray for your home; your husband and unborn children. For most people, it all started as a house, it became a home through determination to weave our own pattern of memoirs into it. Home doesn’t happen in a day, it takes years of investments to achieve. If nothing, thank God for the early start, at least you have no illusion into what you are getting yourself into.

After my mother slept with my fiancé…

Dear Agatha,
I am 25 years of age and still live with my parents at home. I won’t describe my parents’ marriage as ideal as my father is forever accusing my mother of having extra marital affairs. Sincerely, he isn’t off the target as my mother specialises in dating younger men.
Severally my father has had to send some young men away from our premises, who come asking to be employed as drivers. Since I spent the better part of my life away from home: entered into boarding school from JSS 1, beyond what I experience during the holidays and the complaints of my younger ones, I can’t say categorically that I know my mother very well.
All I know is that she is very fashionable and beautiful as well as a socialite. Unlike my father who is more into his children and home, my mother doesn’t care much about us.
We have all come to accept her for whom she is and the times I am at home or when my father comes to visit me in school. I always tell him not to bother too much about my mother. I often tell him that after 26 years as a couple he should be used to her ways by now.
It is an open secret that my father is the one keeping the marriage; my mother doesn’t care one bit about it. As a child, can’t recall when she went to the kitchen to cook, I don’t even know what the taste of her food is like. She is that bad.
Although I have always known my mother’s weakness for young virile men, not once did it occur to me that my mother is capable of sleeping with my own boyfriend.
About three months ago, I brought my fiancé home to meet my parents. He finished before me and travelled to England to further his studies. He came back about four months ago to ask for my hand in marriage. Since his parents were familiar with me, I brought him home to inform my parents of our intentions to spend the rest of our lives together. My father has also met him while he was still in school.
My mother was at home on the day he came. We all agreed on the day his parents would come to meet mine. Three weeks after, they came for formal introduction and to agree on a date for the introduction and wedding.
It was during the period of our wedding planning that I ran into my mother and fiancé coming out of a hotel close to the house of the caterer I contracted for the wedding.
While I was still trying to fathom what both of them could be doing in that place, my mother oblivious of who might be looking gave him a quick peck on his lips before zooming off in her car.
I didn’t need to be told what they had gone to do in the hotel. My boyfriend didn’t know what to say when I called out his name. Right there and then he confessed and started begging for my forgiveness. He claimed not to know how it all happened; that all he remembers is my mother inviting him over for discussions concerning the wedding plans.
I am pained and so confused. Agatha, our wedding is on December 18. I want to end it all. There is no way I can go ahead with a wedding to the man who has slept with my mother. The worst thing is my mother’s attitude. Even when I confronted her with what she had done, her attitude was ‘so what!’
My boyfriend and his best man have been pleading with me. My chief bride’s mate who has been my friend since our childhood is of the opinion that my mother must have charmed my boyfriend and that the best way to deal with her is to forgive my boyfriend and go ahead with the marriage.
I am so confused. I haven’t told my father anything since I don’t want to hurt him more than she has hurt him all these years. Please tell me what to do. He is the only man I have ever fallen in love with in all my life. We have been together for five years and not once has he cheated on me. Even he was away, he kept calling me religiously everyday for the 18 months he was abroad. Once he sent money down for me to visit him. He has been that dedicated to me. He is still insisting he doesn’t know how he ended up in the hotel with my mother.
Todun.

Dear Todun,
Frankly, a lot would depend on how much you can forgive your boyfriend. You are the one who wears the shoes; you know where it hurts you the most.
You are at the junction in life where you must take a census of the past to enable you plan right for the future. When matters become this complex and inexplicable, it is always best to deep in perception. Refuse to be guided by the evidences that you are seeing now. In cases like this, these might not be of help at all.
To achieve this, you must strive to bury your pains else it would becloud your ability to think straight and take a right decision. The reason for this is to avoid regrets later down the road in your life.
From your own account, he has always been dedicated to you and obviously has earned your trust. Has he ever lied to you? Do you think he is telling the truth about not knowing how he and your mother ended up in the hotel room?
What do you think might have been your mother’s motive for sleeping with him?
Going by what you know of him, do you think he would take such risk with your mother? What do you think he was after sleeping with your mother? Deep down do you think he would risk your love and trust for him to be caught sleeping with your mother?
Now that you have had time to think, call your boyfriend again and demand for explanations from him. This time, using the knowledge you have of him as your springboard, listen to his story. Let him repeat all that he told you all over again. Ask questions where you are not clear. Thereafter, go and confront your mother with what your boyfriend told you and challenge her to deny the bit about using charm on your man.
If she is proving difficult, threaten to go public with what she did to you. Let her understand that you have refused to inform your father not out of fear but because you love and trust your boyfriend and that whatever happened between the two of them must have been manipulated by charm on her part.
Your vote for the integrity of your man would spur her to blow up. Listen carefully to her outburst because from there you would get clue into her motive as well as substantial truth concerning what happened between your man and her.
The reason for the threat is not for you to be rude to your mother but to get her behave off guard to get closer to the truth. Even though her conduct deprives her of any respect from you, resist the urge to be.
Without being told, it should be obvious to you by now that your mother needs help. What she is doing isn’t normal and if care isn’t taken, she may push your father to his limit. There is a limit to how much a man can take. Someone has to stand in gap for your family and mother because her reputation would eventually rub off on you and your female siblings. This is a matter for which you must seek spiritual help from your pastor to resolve. Her behaviour isn’t normal at all. The involvement of a minister of God in this would help point you at the direction to pray. No matter how much you are hurting, please don’t rush things for the sake of every member of your family.
December 18 is still far. You still have time to think and pray for God’s directive. You need Him so you don’t make a very costly mistake.
Granted, a lot of damage has been done by what you witnessed and trust is broken, yet the issue is whether he is telling the truth that your mother charmed him. This is the key to this problem. However, look into your heart, can you forgive him? This is a very personal thing; it is a decision nobody can make for you. It has to come from your heart because you are the one who will live with the memory and consequences of your decision. If you can, do but ensure you both live somewhere very far from your mother’s charm.
And always place your husband and home under the authority of God because out there because women like your mother are abound.
Good luck.

Must couple reach orgasm to be pregnant?

Dear Agatha, 

Is it true that a couple must reach orgasm for the woman to get pregnant? I have never experienced orgasm and I am trying to get pregnant.

 Joyce. 

Dear Joyce, 

It isn’t true. Orgasm is only a function of the quality of sex between a couple and not a determinant of the ability of reproduction of the woman. Once sperm gets into a virginal, it will always find its way to target once it is the right time of the month.

If you are trying to get pregnant and you are not achieving results the first place to go is to see your doctor to examine you for any possible medical condition preventing you from getting pregnant. A number of factors could be responsible for a woman’s inability to get pregnant.

In addition, the fault could come from your husband’s sperm quality. The fact that a man is secreting what looks like sperm doesn’t mean he is producing quality sperm that can make a baby. Some men have very poor quality sperm or very low sperm count.

This means as a couple you and your man must first clear the medical hurdle; once certified fit to make babies you can both begin to consider other reasons you are not taking in.

For instance, you may both be making love on the wrong days of the month, hence the need for you to know more about your body, the high and low days. 

To get it right, you must know how many day cycles you are. It would help you calculate your safe and unsafe days. The time you are at higher risk of getting pregnant, known as your ovulation days and when you are least likely to get pregnant. 

Apart from calculating your cycle from the second day of your menses, your body temperature too can forecast your safe and unsafe days. 

It is a matter of knowing your body intimately, knowing when your body temperature is higher, knowing when you are secreting that slimy fluid and the pap like substance. It is for you to know the information your body is passing to you. When the slimy secretion comes it means you are at your peak of getting pregnant, while the pap like secretion means you are not likely to get pregnant. 

Read up articles on ovulation, the different kinds of discharges women have and they are saying about the condition of the woman’s reproductive ability. 

If you don’t know how to go about it, go to the family planning department in the hospitals. You will be educated on safe and unsafe days.  Don’t allow your destiny to be influenced by misinformation that has no basis to real life situation. As long as you aren’t shy to ask questions and from those who know, you will always get the right answers to your challenge.

Good luck.