Lying got me her love, now she kicks over that

Dear Agatha,
Please help me.  I am in danger of losing the most important woman in my life. I told a thousand lies to cover a single lie. I didn’t intend serious relationship from the beginning, but as time went on, I became very fond of her; my feelings for her grew stronger.
Fearing the repercussion of her knowing that my feelings for her weren’t honorable at the initial stage, I didn’t know tell her about my new feelings for her. I figured she might never forgive me as we had been dating for fours then. To crown it all her family members, especially her mother knew and accepted me with love.
Somehow she found out the truth and became livid with anger. She found out that I had all along being lying to her about the course I studied in school, my family background and other things. Like I said, I didn’t plan to be serious with her when we first met, so I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong by lying about my family and me. Then I figured she wasn’t going to be around to find out the truth. I really want to spend the rest of my life with her. Her mother has forgiven me, but my girlfriend is finding it difficult to forgive me even though she said she had done that. Her attitude has changed towards me, saying it would take time for her to ever love me again.
Agatha, please help me. She is my all in life. I don’t mind if you help me talk to her. I still love her. I don’t care how long it will take her to love me again I want her back in my life. Please help me talk to her. 
Leo.

Dear Leo,
I called her as requested by you. She assured me she has since forgiven you, but has moved on with her life.
Judging from her response, I think she is still hurting at your avalanche of lies and would need time to properly heal. You must try to understand that it isn’t going to be easy to immediately forgive you what you did to her. Your lies created more than an image problem for you. Even if she forgives you, how is she going to trust you again if for four years, you have lived a lie with her? The only thing she is sure about you for the four years she dated you is your name. It would take more than forgiveness to make her trust you the way she did.
For now she doesn’t trust anything you represent and can’t tell after all the lies you have told her for four years when you are telling the truth now. She not only feels used, but also betrayed by the man she thought she would spend the rest of her life with. There is also the issue of her family witnessing the humiliation of your duplicity.
Even if she forgets all the lies you told her, would she ever be able to erase the memories from the minds of her family members? Her mother can claim to forgive, but would she ever forget when an issue that has to do with you comes up? This isn’t just a matter of you lying to her, but also that of your credibility as a human being and the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with?
Relationship strives on trust and once there is a breach of it, getting it right on track may not be so easy since issues that would also require her to trust you unconditionally would always come up.
Had you just lied about your feelings for her she may not be as angry as she currently is now but to lie about your discipline, your family and other important facts? In her mind now the question is, who really are you?
You acted irresponsibly and hurt her in the worst way a man can hurt a woman. Knowing that she gave herself to lies is perhaps what is upsetting her the most. Until she is able to reconcile the man she thought you were to the man you really are, allow her be. You are definitely not the man she fell in love with. She fell in love with an image of the person you pretended to be and unless she heals properly enough to look beyond your current wrap, there is nothing you can say or do to make her change her mind.
If you love her that much now, you just must learn to pay the sacrifice of being patient and prayerful to make her go beyond the point of forgiveness and forgetting altogether. In issues like this, the forgiveness part is the easiest, but the forgetting side that is hardest to do.
As it stands now, only God can make her change her mind especially as she said she has moved on with her life. For now, continue to go through her mother to help you talk to her, at least for her to be your friend. Don’t expect any miracles immediately, if she agrees to be friend with you be contented until she makes up her mind again about you. She has to be sure she can trust you again.
Good luck.

She aims to jilt me after blood oath…

   Dear Agatha,

I have been into this relationship for a year and seven months. We have the intentions of getting married to each other. I engaged her in the chapel and through a blood oath.  However, I notice she isn’t faithful, but she keeps insisting I don’t trust her at all. It’s painful because I don’t treat her as a girlfriend, but as a wife. I have done everything within my power to make her happy. The only thing I haven’t been able to give her is a car. Money, clothes and other gifts, I shower on her all in a bid to make her happy.  I also extend to other members of her family the same considerations.  I graduated last year while she is still in school. 

On account of a problem I had, she came to Lagos for her Industrial Training for six months. Since coming down to Lagos, she has refused to see me and whenever I ask her why she has been avoiding coming to my place, she tells me she didn’t come to Lagos to visit me. Despite her attitude, I managed to go with a gift to see her at the place she is staying. She not only rejected it, but also told me to accept the fact that things won’t work out between us anymore, that I should let her be.   It is so painful because she is the first woman I have slept with. I made a vow to God that I would only sleep with the woman whom would be the mother of my children. She is aware of this before we slept together.  She is my world and I love her so much. Please tell me how to get her back. 

Izu 

Dear Izu,  

There is nothing you can do if she is refusing to talk to you or give reasons for the change of mind. If nothing, she owes you an explanation as to why she wants the relationship terminated. As a matter of fact, if she intended a settlement, she should tell you what your offences are to enable you make amends. However if both of you are meant to be, she would definitely come back, but for now allow her be. 

There is no forcing her to develop feelings she no longer has for you just as she cannot stop you from holding to what you still feel for her.  Her refusal to come to your place is enough indication as well as notification from her that some things have changed between the two of you. Frankly speaking, rather than regret what is happening, you should be glad at this development even though it hurts. There is no knowing a true friend until one is experiencing some life challenges. Obviously this girl doesn’t feel what you feel for her. If she did, this is the time for her to stand by you as well as give you the necessary encouragement to move ahead irrespective of what is happening to you now. That she is ready to fly calls to question what kind of wife she would be to you.  

A lot of responsibilities and commitments come with a relationship. It isn’t just about romancing and having sex, no! It takes a lot to keep it alive and functional. Besides what you have in mind isn’t just a relationship, but one you intend to end in a marriage. For this reason you must be very careful not to finish up with a partner you might not be happy with at the end of the day. Far more than the thrills of the moment, a marriage should be evenly spread in terms of spiritual, physical, financial and emotional inputs to make it holistic. The couple must be ready to endure hardship, make necessary sacrifices to propel the marriage into its safe harbours. One of those things that keep it going is support. Without a good support base, no relationship can withstand the test of time. 

When the going was good, you invested in her and her family. What could have gone wrong now for her not to be available to give you all the encouragement you need to bounce back from the problem you have now? Even if you did certain things wrong in the past, now isn’t the right time for a woman you have hopes to spend the rest of your life with to go suddenly cold.  It is ironic that when God is trying to save us from traumatic future problem, we in our limited knowledge do everything to remain with the problem. That you both took a blood oath is not enough reason for you to continue with a relationship that the other party is clearly no longer interested in. 

Rather than waste your time insisting on what you desire, why not ask God what His plans are for you? With the help of God, the consequences of going into a blood as well as sex oaths can be broken through deliverance. By asking God through prayers to lead you to the right place and pastor, when things become this confusing, God’s presence remains the best place to stay. 

Besides the peace and comfort that comes from being with Him, it also helps to point one that there are more productive directions in life. Having just graduated and going through financial crisis, you need all your energy to refocus and position yourself for the future. No man is worth his salt if he is unable to provide for a family. If she gets pregnant now, where will you put her? How will you fend for the baby and mother?  You do really need to plan your life first because at this stage, it is what matters the most. Without a solid foundation for you as a man to operate on, you may find it difficult to function in your full capacity as a man, one of the reasons you seem to be having this problem with this lady.  Whatever happens from this point in your relationship, know it is what God has planned happen. Don’t attempt to force her to listen to you or change her mind. Set her free to pursue her new life. As a matter of fact, you should be happy that she is putting up this attitude before marriage. What would you have done if she had done this after marriage? Learn to be grateful for the mercies of God. 

Overtime you will conquer your pains and the disappointments you feel now at her seemingly betrayal of what you both shared. At God’s own appointed time, He will provide you with the right kind of woman. 

Good luck    

Counting on lover living in China too risky…

Dear Agatha,  

First I want to appreciate you for making a very happy girl. I am a 23-year-old graduate and into events management. Remember the guy from China who wrote you on your lonely heart segment? Well, I called him and we are currently talking and making plans for the future. We both come from the same neighbouring villages and his closet friend there is from my village. As a matter of fact, I have met his people here in Nigeria. He gave me their addresses and also told them about me. We are planning towards the end of next year when he would come home to finalise everything between us. He has even promised to send his people to mine whenever I am ready. Although we haven’t met physically but the voice I hear on the phone shows he has a heart of gold. However, I was into a relationship before I met him. He wants to come and pay my bride price next month. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Some people say it’s better I get married now instead of waiting for the person I have never met. Others think I should become established in my business before thinking of marriage. Agatha, is it advisable I allow the family of the man in China to come to pay my bride price when we are yet to meet? Please help me, as I am so confused right now.

Amaka   

Dear Amaka,

The answer you seek is right there in your heart. Marriage is a very personal journey. You are the only one who knows what you want from it as well as the kind of man you want besides you. Of these two men, which one makes you most happy and complete as a woman? Which one do you know has the capacity to absorb your excesses as a woman and wife? Who among them fits in your individual future plans? Has the heart and maturity to support your self-actualisation as a woman? Who among the two can transform into a friend?  You must be careful as not to allow other things becloud your judgement at this critical time in your life. You must appreciate that marriage isn’t about the now, but more of the future. The now feelings for every couple always come in all the beautiful colours of the rainbows, making every move appear glorious and wonderful. But experience has shown that these colours don’t last beyond the ceremony when the faults will begin to manifest. The perfect partner before the wedding may become the most hideous person on earth.  This is the challenge of two people from different family backgrounds, values and orientations coming together to make a home. Many couples simply get lost at this point of realigning family values as well as all the other things that need to be aligned for the marriage to succeed. If the couple lack the concomitant determination as well as friendship to face all the changes together, chances of the marriage working is slim. This is why you must be truthful to yourself at this nascent stage. The truth you refuse to admit now will definitely go somewhere to wait for you in the future, to either congratulate or mock your limited wisdom of the many shades of life. Your choice of a husband must come from your own deep understanding of what the institution represents. No matter how perfect your partner is, without you having that appreciation of what you are going into and the amount of sacrifices along every turn you have to make for the success of the marriage, it will never work.  Besides, you also have to be very honest about your feelings and wants in life. To get it right, you have to be contented at every point with what you have. If you were, you wouldn’t be contacted the second guy or having the problem of making the right choice between these two men.  Lack of a clear direction and sincerity on your part, made you to get in touch with the one based in China. Were you contented with your first boyfriend, you wouldn’t have. So from this point, learn the importance of contentment in a relationship. If you lack what it takes to make a relationship work, no matter who you decide on among these men, it still won’t work, because marriage goes beyond payment of the bride price to the values you, as a woman, play up.  At this point, it is imperative you go to God in prayers to help you make sense of the confusion you have unwittingly dragged yourself into. 

Good luck.    

Her lackadaisical attitude worries me…

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column. Want to express my appreciation. Agatha, I have noticed a trend in today’s women that is very worrisome. Most girls I know and have met seem not to like men who are really interested in and have respect for them. No matter what such men do to make them happy or impress them, they always remain indifferent.  Secondly, there is this lady I really love with all my heart. We have been dating for two years now and have already given her my commitment to marry her. She is one woman I have made up my mind never to cheat on. However, I am scared of what she feels for me. This is because she hardly calls, not even to inquire about my health.   

I travel regularly due to my kind of business. When I travel, she won’t even bother to call or ask after me unless I call. On the other hand, I call her twice a day to ask after her health. I want to know why she doesn’t care about me.  Much as I love this girl, I don’t trust her. At this point, I really don’t know what to do anymore. Sometime I call her line and would always be busy. And whenever I ask why her line is always busy, day and night, she ends up pleading with me to understand. 

This is precisely what is giving me the concern about her.  I really suspect she is having another serious relationship, but I don’t have the evidence to confront her with.  Please, how do I go about it? I love her enough to marry, but her attitude is giving me so much concern. Indeed it is making me very suspicious. 

Jude.

  Dear Jude, Obviously there are things you are not comfortable with in this relationship and with such huge suspicions in your mind there is no way this relationship can grow beyond this point. If it is just a matter of her not calling you regularly, it can be explained because there are still a lot of people out there who find it difficult to call regularly. 

This doesn’t make the less fond of those close to them, just that they don’t think the depth of their feelings should be measured by how many times they call their loved ones. Anyone in a relationship with this kind of person has to understand the mentality of that person, out of sight isn’t out of mind. Although communication is integral to the survival of a relationship, so also is understanding. Before you start fishing in the wrong place and getting yourself all worked up, you must first understand where and what the problems are. You have to understand her mindset first before you can come to the right conclusions about her person.  

She may not really know why you think she is fooling around on account of her not calling you as frequently as you call her. For someone, who isn’t a telephone freak, when people complain about their attitude, more often than not they wonder what the problem really is. I understand you because long time ago I also had cause to reason like you are doing and also come to the same conclusions like you have obviously arrived at. At the point I thought I couldn’t endure it anymore, convinced myself of the presence of another person, was the point he decided to listen to my complaints. That we were at least able to talk about my anger and suspicions made the situation easier to manage. In retrospect, I discovered he didn’t really change from the person he has always been, but I became more secured in the relationship because I had expelled the tension inside of me and at that point I knew no sacrifice was too much for the man I love. At the point we talked, I made up my mind not just to be happy with the choice God made for me, but also to learn to make sacrifices. 

There are points in relationships where one person must make the decision to be the one to do certain things for peace to reign. It is the essence of two people coming together. The two are supposed to compliment each other. Unless both of you, especially you, the one having all the suspicions decide to talk as frankly as possible, you may end up throwing away the important person in your life. Even if you suspect her of being in another relationship, don’t let it bother you. Instead make out time to talk to her. You need to find out what her grievances are against you. That you constantly call her doesn’t make you a saint. She too may be having misgivings about you. 

If you are a businessman constantly on the move, for the sake of peace, you have to integrate her into one of your trips to give her a full view of the kind of business you do as well as its demands. You too must also come unannounced to her place to dispel that feeling of distrust now eating at you. Everywoman, no matter how tough, needs the company of her man from time to time. 

Your being away on these business trips represent loneliness as well as thoughts of you having other girlfriends in these areas you go to. For a woman who isn’t strong willed and who listens to her friends, it is enough excuse not to take the relationship serious hence her cold attitude towards anything you represent. To counter that nagging fear that you might end up disappointing, you have to help her appreciate that your love is real and that no other woman can hold the candle against her in your life.  At this delicate stage, you must go out of your way to make her want you sufficiently, to miss you enough to call you. She isn’t missing you because you haven’t made the right impact in her life. This isn’t about money or any of those material things. It has to do with the person you are, those little extra things that give character and definition to a relationship. You don’t get these things with money but with the amount of sacrifices you are ready to make. It has to do with the quality time, humour, friendship, respect, concern and care you give her. It also has to do with aptness at which you are able to read her moods, draw her to talk about certain things she ordinarily won’t discuss with anyone. You get this through studying her like a book for you to know how to invest yourself properly in her life. A woman is bound to miss the man who gives her so much happiness. It is the same thing for men too. No matter how a man strays, he would always return to the woman who appreciates and treats him in a very special way.  It is always best to err on the side of caution than to be right on the side of regrets. If you have dated her for two years and haven’t caught her with another man, there is the real need to be careful in coming to the final conclusions that she may not be faithful to you. Until you talk to her and get evidence, keep an opened mind. Love is sometimes very foolish and has the elasticity to accommodate everything. However, learn to pray also because at times God uses minor things like that to push us away from making the wrong choice in life, especially if He has a need of us. 

Good luck. 

She declines to embrace serious date…

Dear Agatha, 

First I want to thank you for doing this selfless work and may God reward you abundantly. 

My girlfriend and I have known each other for almost two years. I like her so much. As a matter of fact, I am always happy having her in my life. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want us to take the relationship to another level.  Consequently, I told her to stop calling me but to my surprise, she wasn’t happy at my decision. 

There was a day I went to her place to give her younger sister a cell-phone I promised buying for her. I met my girlfriend, who bluntly refused to say hello to me but later apologised for her behaviour.  Now, my girlfriend’s mother is not happy with me because I bought her daughter a cell phone. Please help me. Where have I gone wrong?  

Lamborghini.

Dear Lamborghini, 

On the surface, you appear not to have done anything wrong, but if you care to anaylise it more critically, you have done something fundamentally wrong. Why would you buy the sister a cell-phone, go to the house to present her with it when you still have outstanding issue with the one you are dating? Why did you have to give the sister the phone yourself without passing through your girlfriend? That singular act did send out the wrong signal to your girlfriend who refused to greet you and her mother who is wondering what your motive is. Having known you with one daughter, she can’t understand why you are giving another one a present when it appears there is a crack between you and the one she knows you with.

She is clearly not comfortable with the gift and action. It is not the gift that is the problem, but your real motive as well as the implication on her attempt to bring up her daughter in the right way. Despite the depreciation of moral values in the society, there are still some mothers who are very strict and firm on how they want their children, especially their daughters brought up. Again, she may not want her daughter to get into the habit of asking men for gifts. And seeing you give her the phone without her permission is enough to get a mother who is concerned about real values to be angry. Had you passed the gift to her, the decision to give it to her daughter would have been hers to make and not yours. She is concerned that her daughter may use the excuse of this gift to bring things home under the pretence you gave them to her. 

Since you and your girlfriend have settled your differences, get her to help you explain to her mother why you bought the sister the gift. If you have the courage, it would be best if you accompany your girlfriend so that you can explain why you gave the other daughter a gift of a phone as well as the challenges you are facing with the one you are interested in. 

Once you do that, she will understand you better and where you are coming from. 

Good luck.

Men’s superiority, a myth

Dear Readers, 

I decided to publish this piece sent in by one of my female readers who think my responses to certain issues on this page don’t do justice to the rights of women. Even though I have tried to explain to a lot of them that when it comes to relationships, facts are premium to be than the gender of the person, many of them still think I should be fairer to women than men. 

To underscore my impartiality, I am giving this category of women a chance to be heard through this piece sent in by Letitia Akinyemi. The aim is for us to learn from each other with the hope that it would affect our relationships positively. 

Agatha.

 Dear Agatha,

 Many people have this impression that we live in a man’s world, but I think differently not because I am a lady but because I know differently. Men have used this incorrect theory to exploit the women folk. Generations have also come to terms with this theory. I will start my point from the very beginning, but just before I start I have this very simple question to ask which is: why do the men keep arguing and debating they own the world? Have you ever heard women arguing who goes to the labour room? 

In the beginning when God created man, He saw that man will be lonely all by himself, so He created the woman. Note that she wasn’t formed from the man’s foot bone or from his head, but from his rib (his side) to be his equal not superior or inferior to him. Do you believe that men actually see this as an opportunity to abuse women? If only they knew that animals were created before them.

Another important topic is that of procreation. I do think men are to be treated as small-gods, because God who is the ultimate creator and who knows best didn’t give this important role to the men instead, He gave this role to the women. He chose not to keep creating humans instead made the woman to take care of that, as a matter of fact, God did not rest until He created the woman. What else do they need? 

Oh please spare me the apple gist. The truth is that while Adam was busy sleeping, Eve got deceived by the serpent. Since men are so wise, why did Adam collect the apple from Eve? In the first place he was the one that God told about the consequences of eating from that tree of life. That is to tell you that anyone can be deceived. After eating the apple and probably enjoying it, he tried to put the blame on the woman when asked by God. As a man, he should have taken responsibility for the action. I hear men saying these days if they were the one, they wouldn’t have fallen for that. Let’s face it there are still Eves in our society today handing out apples, how many of them are able to resist? How many of them are able to resist blaming other people for their wrongs? 

Men in leadership positions are all expected to marry before they can be taken seriously. At the end of the day they get back to their wives to seek opinions and I mean the real men. Because they know that they can only get the real and undiluted advice from their wives and not from people who are only looking for favours. Whenever there is a problem at home, especially with the wife, the man becomes disoriented wherever he is and also the woman too, meaning they owe each other the duty to be together. Show me a good- looking man and I will show you a good mother or wife. 

WEEK: Women’s Education Ends in the Kitchen. That is the most ridiculous statement I have ever heard. Which woman needs to go to school to learn how to cook or wash dishes or even give birth? Go to schools, and you will find that women are at the top of the class when it comes to education, while men are busy being men on the field i.e. they are always top when it comes to sports. Surprisingly, some women let this ridiculous theory get to them, they actually let their education end in the kitchen. Such women deserve life imprisonment, since they do not like their lives or don’t have a purpose for living. 

In most marriages, women are actually treated as slaves or better still exploited. You see a woman who takes care of six children all alone, if in the rural areas, she will go to the farm, get back,  take care of the children and her home, make food for her husband who is off to God knows where. Yet he comes back to complain about something the woman couldn’t do or didn’t do right. It is so unfair. While men of the urban areas probably go off to work, you see busy moms here and there working hard to help her home. At evening when every one is meant to be home and making each other happy, the men prefer to spend such time with their girlfriends or in a beer parlour. This applies to both rural and urban men. These types of men deserve serious beating. 

The issue of getting babies or not getting babies is a thing that applies to both the man and the woman. Some women are actually beaten, disgraced or sent out because they have not given birth to babies. Too many children, no male child or no female child whereas, a man can go as far as marrying three to four wives under the pretext of looking for a male child who would inherit him. 

Conclusion: I am not trying to say that the woman is all perfect, but that they should be treated equally as men, not used as tools, but as opportunities to be handled with respect and love.

I’m Scared Of A Broken Home

Dear Agatha,

I have learnt so much from you. God has indeed blessed you with a rare kind of wisdom. My prayers are for you to immortalise your work by coming out with a book. I came for the programme organised by the Women Intercessors at Ogba and your talk brought tears to my eyes. You were, as usual, brutally frank, honest and brave sharing your own experiences with total strangers. 

Informed from your own story, I have decided to write to you to ask for help in managing my own home. I don’t want a broken home. I am actually scared of it. My mother is like most mothers. She is only concerned with my ability to cook and keep the house. I want to learn from you on how to be more than a wife to being a woman. I want you to help prepare me for the task ahead. My wedding comes up in the first week of August.

What are the things I should avoid in my marriage? On that day you underscored patience, friendship and tolerance. What are the places of these qualities in a marriage?

Please help me understand the task ahead of me and how to manage my home without problems. My fear is that my husband-to-be is a very stubborn person and I am short-fussed too. I don’t have a clue as to how to manage him or blend my personality with his. 

Listening to you on that day made me realise that I have a very long way to go. Please loan me the benefit of your experience to make my marriage work as well as how to re-educate myself on how to deal with his stubborn nature.

Susan.

Dear Susan, 

Marriage is a journey of tumbles, upsets, endurance, pains, disappointments, considerations, compromises, as well as victories. To survive, a couple must first and foremost be friends because it is the only way they can manage the challenges of two strangers coming together to make a home. 

As a woman, you have to be determined to ensure he is happy with the choice he has made. One thing you must never do is listen to what others think of your efforts to turn your home into a haven for your husband and children. Be rest assured that there is nothing feminism in marriage. To try to equate yourself with your husband, question his authority, dishonour his decision, and disrespect him is to court trouble in your home. 

Whether you like it or not, your role as the woman is to offer him protection through prayers. You were created to support him in life and once you are very clear about this, no matter how stubborn he gets, managing him won’t be a problem. Even though he is the head of the home, your role in his life is to show him the way by your own examples. Men generally are like babies who respond with care, friendship and trust to the one who cares for them the most. As his wife, you have to be the woman in his life, as well as his mother. As his wife, you have to attend to his home, his emotional needs while as the woman you have to learn to respect him. God, in making the woman, created her to support the man, stand by his side, use her seemingly fragility to get things done for him. Position yourself in his life as his strength, ego and pride, friend, support base and his think tank. Make sure he does nothing without discussing it with you by always being there for him. As a woman the secret of your strength is your fragility, as well as your emotions. When he becomes unbearably stubborn: use the fragile part of you to get him to listen to the voice of wisdom by going on your knees to beg him. No matter how educated you are or well paid, the fact remains he is your crown and only a stupid woman rubbishes the crown that makes her shine.

However, for this to work, you must have imbibed from the beginning how to respect him. You cannot rubbish him in front of people and expect him to honour whatever overtures you make at home. Respect begets respect. He must have evidence of your willingness to follow his leadership before he can listen to what you have to say. 

Granted, this adjustment doesn’t come easy but there is nothing in life that comes without plenty of sacrifices, especially the good ones. Something has to give for that thing you want the most to come to reality. This is your role as the woman in his life.

As his mother, you are to pamper him as you would your own child. This includes indulging his excesses and reprimanding him with love. Mothers don’t nag their children, so be careful you don’t nag him into running into the arms of another woman. No matter how imperfect a child is, the mother’s love is always there, unconditional for the child to come back to. A mother, even when everyone brands her child as bad, sees hope at the end of the tunnel. You must therefore be prepared, be patient enough to outshine his deficiencies as a human being, especially if you also keep it in the front burner that you are equally imperfect. 

No sacrifice is always too much for a mother to make for her child. Your marriage is your womb, your husband the child. Unlike the conventional way of conception, this one took place in your heart; the heart is the life wire of the body. While the womb holds the mystery of life, the heart holds its glow. There is no way you can divorce the existence of the womb from the heart whereas the heart can survive without the womb. Therefore if you keep your marriage in your heart as true mothers do, no matter the disappointment, aches and betrayals you suffer in your marriage, you will never be discouraged to fight on. 

As for his stubbornness, it can be managed with the right temperament. Once he gets obstinate, quietly withdraw and allow him have his way on anything he wants done his way. For the sake of peace, give in to him at the point he wants anything done his way. Naturally, this requires utmost patience, as well as tolerance but you have to grow a thick skin to deal with it. This is due to the fact that two captains cannot live in a boat. There are always other ways to get him to listen to you. When his mood is right, you can then go to him quietly to lay your complains and by then the cloud of trouble would have passed away. 

To achieve a happy home, you cannot afford to be stubborn physically. Rather, deploy the stubbornness to your spiritual life. You can always pray away from his life those aspects of him you don’t like without fighting him or nagging. 

Marital battles are best fought on the knees rather than with blows. Taking your marital problems to God everyday is the key to your happiness because God is fair and impartial. If you listen to Him, you will never go wrong and would help you achieve effortlessly His desires for you and your home. 

Complete trust in God, as well as a humble spirit are just the things you need to help grow your home into complete peace and happiness.

Good luck. 

Now Back Begging After His Stint With My Sister Flopped

Dear Agatha, 

You are doing a good job. God will bless you for being there for us. About 10 years ago, while at the university there was this boy I dated. I left him for being cruel by nature. Many times he would beat me for no just cause.

His violence was legendary that the landlord of the apartment we shared had to beat him on the day he stripped me right in front of everybody for daring to voice my comment when he brought another woman to the apartment. When I made up my mind to leave him, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to abort it but it just refused to be aborted. When I went back to the doctor who performed the abortion, he was very surprised to discover the foetus was still there. He advised me not to tamper with the pregnancy if I valued my life. 

Not done with my attempt to terminate the pregnancy, I went to see another doctor who after examining me told me not to risk it as the child was delicately positioned and that any attempt to touch it could lead to my death. 

Left with no choice, I informed him about the verdict of the doctors. Though I wasn’t expecting much from him but I didn’t envisage the kind of violence and profanities he uttered at the news. His mother, when I went to her too, drove me away insisting I should get rid of the baby because she wasn’t ready to be a grandmother now.

It wasn’t easy at first but I was eventually able to cope with my pregnancy and studies. 

My mother although didn’t reject me but she kept her distance. So I was left alone to care for my child. I would back my child to school, and during examinations friends would take turns in caring for her. Fortunately she didn’t cry and was such a lively baby that made things very easy for me to manage.

I was also very lucky to be retained in the bank I served, so my child and I had an easy start in life. 

Because of the way I was treated, I respectfully kept my distance from my family members. I only go home when it is absolutely unavoidable and even at that I leave almost immediately to avoid any form of interactions with anybody. 

I had to go home for my sister’s traditional marriage following my father’s summons. Because of the situation between them and me, my sister didn’t deem it fit to inform me of her wedding herself let alone bring the man in question to my house. 

It was not until that day that I discovered the identity of her husband to be. He turned out to be the father of my daughter. I was so shocked by everything happening, because I recall introducing this same man to my parents when we were in school. Well, when it was being suggested that I was envious of my sister and out to destroy her, I quietly left the scene with my daughter.

I didn’t bother to go for the white wedding or ask them how they were faring because I was hurt, embarrassed by the whole incident. 

I didn’t know anything about them or what challenges they were going through until I got a call from my mother that she would like to come to the house to see me. 

I obliged her since I had gotten over the pains of everything that happened to me. I didn’t know what to make of her visit though. Three years had passed without any of them talking to me. Even when I call my parents, they would refuse to pick my call so I stopped calling them but never stopped playing my role as a daughter by sending them their monthly allowances.

She didn’t come alone. She came in company of my father, my sister and her husband as well as his mother.

They came to beg me to forgive and forget the past because everywhere they had been to seek assistance into their childlessness, they say he offended me; I pray and forgive. That was the easy part of it all. Agatha, what I don’t understand and which is bothering me is the fact that I am expected to live with him as his wife before he can ever father a child. I found the whole thing very funny that I drove them away from my house. 

That was last year. He and his mother have been coming to my house to beg me. My sister has since left him and only recently at a crusade in my church, the pastor who came for the programme called me out to repeat the same thing. He said, just as the father of my child can’t marry anyone so also would it be difficult for me to be happy with any other man. He went on to say, God wanted to use the situation to teach him a lesson. 

Sincerely, I am confused. I don’t love him anymore. Besides, I have remodelled my life in such a way it has only space for my daughter and I. My experiences with him are very bitter ones. What child would he have come back to if I had terminated it and who would the mother have come to if I had died while trying to abort the child? I don’t think I can live with him for one second. A friend of mine advised I reconsider going by the other disappointments I have experienced after his. 

I am so confused. Please help me because I don’t have anyone to go to. 

Worried Woman.

Dear Worried Woman, 

If that is where God wants you to be there is no arguing the reason with the one who made you and knows what He wants for you. Rather than delay God’s plans for you, why not on your own seek Him? There is no situation we are going through that isn’t known to God. He sees the end from the beginning and deliberately allows us go through challenging situations to refine us for greater challenges. 

He isn’t unaware of what happened between the two of you. Don’t forget that you also tried to terminate the life of this child you hold so precious. In a way you also rejected the child like her father and grandmother did. Had God allowed it to happen, you too would have been guilty of the things you are now accusing them of. 

God gave you the grace to look after that child, and so favoured you with a good job to enable you guard His plans for you and the child. Rather than allow old hurt and sentiment destroy the future, allow peace to reign by allowing him access to his child. God’s plans can never be changed no matter how much we desire he does a change of His ‘master’ plan for our lives. That is why He made it impossible for your sister and this man to have a child together, made sure your family, the man and his mother came back to beg you. 

If you think deeply, you will know that God planned everything to happen this way so that both of you would come to appreciate the other more. By now, he must have learnt some valuable lessons from the past. He now knows his mistakes and would not be in a hurry to make them again. 

God actually fought on your side else none of them would come to beg you. Learn to be magnanimous in victory, because that is the only way God can continue to fight your battle. Preventing you from falling in love and marrying another man is to make sure when he comes back you will be able to take him back as he is. A lot of times the things we regard as problems are actually solutions to life’s many mysteries. 

And the only way you can continue to enjoy this special favour from God is to listen to His voice in all these. If you are sincere enough to look back, you will admit to the lessons you too have learnt in all these. I am sure there were things you did then you will never have done. You must also have discovered the strength in you else you wouldn’t have been able, on your own, to look after a child. That you made a success of it should be a lesson you must never forget and so must always appreciate.

God certainly has a reason for separating the two of you at that time and if He says it is time you went back, please do it because He remains the only one who never disappoints. You may not like it but it is what God wants, so dance to his tune if you desire happiness in your life. You may not want to go back but if God says that is where He wants you to be there is no questioning the one who made you.

Please forgive anyone who needs your forgiveness so that you can move on to the next stage. Pray for God’s clear message and leadership in your life.

Good luck. 

Hard To Bank On His Sincerity After All I’ve Done

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years of age and an undergraduate in the fourth year. I am in a relationship with a man of 30 years of age, who incidentally graduated from my school. 

Our relationship is two years old. For the two years we dated, not once did we discuss the future of the relationship. We just left it to roll. However, he recently indicated his interest to marry me.

Agatha, I need your help to do what is right and sensible. 

Together we have been through a lot. Some of the challenges even threatened our relationship but he still stayed with me. 

Like I hinted earlier we never intended it to be serious because we were then in relationships with other people. Naturally we were both distracted by these relationships. At a point, I told a lie about the stability of my relationship with the other man. I made him think it was collapsing. He also told me he wasn’t in love with the other lady he was engaged to. 

After a while, I went back to tell another lie to him that I had broken up with the other guy and that he was the only one left in my life, but it boomeranged when I became pregnant for my other boyfriend while he was abroad. He found out, and he was very disappointed in me. Out of shame, I moved far away from him to sort myself out but he was always checking on me. I couldn’t keep the child so I terminated the pregnancy; still he found out and came back to me. 

Despite this, I was still doubtful of his feelings for me. I kept wondering what precisely he wanted from me. 

As a result I never bothered to create the right impression since I thought he was only out to exploit my situation. 

But I have come to love him. I am almost through with my education. I see him everyday and he has never demanded to make love to me and has a way of making me do things I don’t want to do. 

Besides, I don’t know how to tell my parents about him since I don’t know how they would react. 

Do you think I would be making a mistake marrying this man? Do you think he actually likes me?

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

What more assurances do you need from this man to tell you his love comes from the depth of his heart? How many men, both young and old would want to have anything to do with a woman who told lie to them the way you did? Frankly he should be the one afraid of your sincerity and love for him, because if you could lie to him once, you are very capable of lying to him again and again. 

That he forgave your lie, accepted you back even when he found out about the pregnancy and abortion underscores his need of you in his life. He is not unaware of your weaknesses as a woman, or the facts about your person. He is not asking you to marry him out of delusion, but from a heart that is real and clear enough to know that his love can heal whatever mistakes you made in the past. 

Only a man who truly cares about a woman would take the kind of step this man took without looking back or caring a hoot what anybody thinks of him. 

It shows a man who is caring, understanding, selfless, and also a true friend. Yes, he may not have all the qualities you may desire in a man, but you also don’t have everything he desires in a woman. 

From the quality of commitment he has shown, it is very clear that his feelings for you are more than the average. 

Whatever misgivings your parents have against this man, make them understand his love for you and how he has done things other men in his shoes wouldn’t do. While you may not be so detailed about what you did and how he stood by you, there is the need for you to underline his special qualities for them to appreciate your need of him in your life. Besides, being the one who will be living with him, the ultimate choice is yours, not theirs. 

Search deeply into your heart for the answer you are looking for. Frankly, unless you are very honest with yourself, you may not have the guts and clarity of mind to make the right choice. Pray for the help of God who sees right in our heart to help you do what is right.

Good luck. 

Hard To Bank On His Sincerity After All I’ve Done

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years of age and an undergraduate in the fourth year. I am in a relationship with a man of 30 years of age, who incidentally graduated from my school. 

Our relationship is two years old. For the two years we dated, not once did we discuss the future of the relationship. We just left it to roll. However, he recently indicated his interest to marry me.

Agatha, I need your help to do what is right and sensible. 

Together we have been through a lot. Some of the challenges even threatened our relationship but he still stayed with me. 

Like I hinted earlier we never intended it to be serious because we were then in relationships with other people. Naturally we were both distracted by these relationships. At a point, I told a lie about the stability of my relationship with the other man. I made him think it was collapsing. He also told me he wasn’t in love with the other lady he was engaged to. 

After a while, I went back to tell another lie to him that I had broken up with the other guy and that he was the only one left in my life, but it boomeranged when I became pregnant for my other boyfriend while he was abroad. He found out, and he was very disappointed in me. Out of shame, I moved far away from him to sort myself out but he was always checking on me. I couldn’t keep the child so I terminated the pregnancy; still he found out and came back to me. 

Despite this, I was still doubtful of his feelings for me. I kept wondering what precisely he wanted from me. 

As a result I never bothered to create the right impression since I thought he was only out to exploit my situation. 

But I have come to love him. I am almost through with my education. I see him everyday and he has never demanded to make love to me and has a way of making me do things I don’t want to do. 

Besides, I don’t know how to tell my parents about him since I don’t know how they would react. 

Do you think I would be making a mistake marrying this man? Do you think he actually likes me?

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

What more assurances do you need from this man to tell you his love comes from the depth of his heart? How many men, both young and old would want to have anything to do with a woman who told lie to them the way you did? Frankly he should be the one afraid of your sincerity and love for him, because if you could lie to him once, you are very capable of lying to him again and again. 

That he forgave your lie, accepted you back even when he found out about the pregnancy and abortion underscores his need of you in his life. He is not unaware of your weaknesses as a woman, or the facts about your person. He is not asking you to marry him out of delusion, but from a heart that is real and clear enough to know that his love can heal whatever mistakes you made in the past. 

Only a man who truly cares about a woman would take the kind of step this man took without looking back or caring a hoot what anybody thinks of him. 

It shows a man who is caring, understanding, selfless, and also a true friend. Yes, he may not have all the qualities you may desire in a man, but you also don’t have everything he desires in a woman. 

From the quality of commitment he has shown, it is very clear that his feelings for you are more than the average. 

Whatever misgivings your parents have against this man, make them understand his love for you and how he has done things other men in his shoes wouldn’t do. While you may not be so detailed about what you did and how he stood by you, there is the need for you to underline his special qualities for them to appreciate your need of him in your life. Besides, being the one who will be living with him, the ultimate choice is yours, not theirs. 

Search deeply into your heart for the answer you are looking for. Frankly, unless you are very honest with yourself, you may not have the guts and clarity of mind to make the right choice. Pray for the help of God who sees right in our heart to help you do what is right.

Good luck. 

Before Her Humble Background Stifles Me

Dear Agatha,                                    

I want to start by appreciating the wisdom you apply in solving people’s problem. There is this girl I’ve been dating for more than two years whom I’m contemplating spending the rest of my life with, but who has lied to me several times. The recent one includes her age. I just found out contrary to what she told me, she is a year and some months older than I am. 

I have never planned to be involved with a woman who is older than I am. 

Secondly, although an undergraduate in the final year, I’m scared by her family’s poor financial background. Considering the fact that I’m the first in my family, don’t you think that the responsibility would be too much on me? Don’t you think my family will be disappointed in me? I also noticed that she has had a surgery in the womb as a result of ovarian cyst. Can it prevent her from conceiving? Currently, she wants to go for surgery as a result of growth in her lower abdomen which has been there for over two years now.
I would like to know the cause of that and also whether it would have any future effect on her. Finally, I love this girl because she is a devoted Christian and also a wife material. Please, advise me on what to do.

Worried Guy.

Dear Worried Guy, 

Sincerely, I am not in a position to tell you of the medical consequences of all the operations she has gone through and would go through. It is best you both go to the doctor for proper explanations on what could be wrong with her.  That she is having pains in her lower abdomen doesn’t make her infertile. The concern should be for her to get proper treatment for whatever is wrong with her.  On the issue of age and the many lies she has told you, she is very wrong to have lied about her age to you. She should have given you the choice of making up your mind on whether you want to date a woman older than you or not. Lies have a way of destroying trust in any relationship whether romantic, platonic or otherwise. It calls to question the true identity of the person involved.

But since you say you love her, it is a sufficient reason for you to forgive her. However there is the need for you to call, educate and point her at the harm her lies are doing to your relationship. She has to know that you don’t have the same confidence in her as you did when you started out. The realization that she risks losing you based on the many lies she tells you may help heal her of this habit. In addition, these lies point at lack of confidence in herself and security in your love for her. Knowing also that your love is strong enough to weather whatever storm life throws at both of you would make her think twice before lying to you. 

On the issue of her coming from a poor background isn’t tenable at all. If she is struggling to earn a quality education just like you, it means she is also conscious of her background and the need to improve on the lot of her family. Being poor  isn’t and will never be a crime but your attitude and disdain for her background may be the real reason she is hoarding the truth from you. You have to show her that you love her enough to overlook the financial status of her family.   

Since nothing good comes cheap, you have to overlook her downside and made up your mind on what you like most about her. Our ability to succeed is more often than not, limited by lack of determination to go after what our heart seek. Once your mind is made up about this lady, don’t bother yourself with her other habits because overtime love will cure her imperfection.

Just lean more on God.

Good luck.

We’re Both AS, But Don’t Want My Child To

Dear Agatha,

My boyfriend and I are both AS. He isn’t bothered because he is very religious and is putting God ahead of us.  We are both very close but having had the unpleasant experience of living with a cousin who is SS, I am very worried about it. Although my friend is a very good man, I don’t want to have an SS child.  I know all about the technology of finding out before the child is born and terminating the pregnancy but I wouldn’t want to do that either.

I am really troubled because like I said, he is a very good man, the kind I want in my life. But right now I am so confused and don’t know what to do. I have never really met an AA guy as nice as he is.

Confused Lady.

Dear Confused Lady, 

Life is about choices. To move forward in life you just have to make some painful choices. There is a point in life when we come to a cross road and have to make a choice between two unpalatable situations. It is God’s way of sharpening us for the many challenges life daily unfolds. You love him but don’t want the emotional and medical troubles that come with having an SS child. Something must go for both of you to be happy.

There is no easy way out of the problems you have found yourself in. It is either you take the risk of having an SS baby or you end the relationship with him and save yourselves from the harrowing experience of having to go through constant abortions or having an SS child.

One thing is clear, God should never be tempted. Granted, faith is the foundation of our relationship with God, wisdom is the icing on the cake of our faith. One cannot jump into a lake of firing in an attempt to tempt God’s presence in one’s life. To do that would be akin to putting God to test in a matter that requires simple wisdom to avoid. 

Faith is about trusting in God and not putting Him to test to prove His nature to us. We are the ones that should constantly put our selves under His authority, not Him putting Himself under our authority. God doesn’t work in that way. If you both know that your love is strong enough survive the emotional and psychological stress of having an SS child, all you have to do is ask God to give you the grace to. It is His grace to survive the tough time ahead that you need not His ability to change the situation. There are certain things God won’t change, not because He lacks the strength to but because it is our cross in life. God isn’t just a God of miracles only, but one who is determined to ensure His children understand that no matter the situation we find ourselves in, He remains our father, friend, cheerleader and our advocate at all times. 

At this stage, you both still have the ability to make the changes you want in your lives. He gave us the right to free will; to make the choice we are comfortable with. If you love him but unwilling to have an SS child, you have the choice of not attempting to have a child of your own by considering adoption. The choice is frankly yours to make since your man has made up his mind about the path he is going to take in all these. 

At this point, it is your duty also to educate him about the condition. Having experienced it at first hand, God has equipped with the knowledge as well as experience to educate him on the consequences of two SS coming together. Paint the picture of pains the child goes through as well as the usual regrets and anxiety the parents go through when the crisis starts. Also tell him about the despair of watching the child’s without being able to offer much help. He may not understand the full consequences of what he is going into but telling him would enable him have a clear perspective into what he is up against.

If unwilling to leave him, key into his vision but pray for the grace of God to get you to that level of comfort with His plans for you. Being the woman, you must have the greater strength of pulling your husband through at the end of it all.

However if you make up your mind to leave based on your experiences with your cousin, then you must sit down and re-order your priorities in life as well as the place and plans of God in your life. 

What you need to do urgently is to pray. Go on your knees and ask Him for the right direction to go. He only knows the strength and course of the patterns of our lives. This is a decision you have to make with a very clear and practical mind if you want to be happy in life.

Good luck.