She Fails To Visit Me

Dear Agatha

I am 31 years of age dating a lady who is 27 years of age. Our relationship is about five years of age. However, there is one thorny issue in our relationship, one that has continued to give me headache. For the five years we have been together, she finds it difficult to visit me. Some of the excuses she gives for not coming to my place are considered flimsy. She has also done other things. I am hurt. 

Do I forget about this girl because this had been causing me sleepless night and look for another girl? 

NDD.

Dear NDD,

Sincerely, if this is all there is to your challenge, there is really nothing to it at all. And unless you both haven’t been honest to yourselves, this is a matter you should have long ago tackled with the maturity it deserves.

The first thing is why is she refusing to come to your house? Have you at any point in time asked why? What happened on those rare occasions she came? Did you try to force her to do something against her will? What is the premise of your relationship? What are her views about life? How have you both conducted the relationship all these years? What makes you think her excuses are flimsy?

Thinking her excuses are not substantial could be one of the reasons she isn’t comfortable with coming to your house. It is always dangerous to assume that you know better than the other person; to dismiss whatever the other person feels or has to say on an issue. Her excuses represent her personal fears, her feelings, thoughts and beliefs. To therefore dismiss as irrelevant whatever summation that comes out of all these is akin to saying the person doesn’t have a right to self opinion. 

If she is giving a reason to why she can’t come to your house listen not just with your ears but with your heart. If in doubt or suspects her of being insincere, ask further questions concerning the reasons she is giving. 

You must therefore take time out of whatever kind of jacket you have both put the relationship to break new grounds, talk about the last five years with a view of redefining the essence of the relationship. Perhaps there are things you both neglected to say at the beginning and have been shying away from discussing all these years, which have been affecting the growth of your relationship these five years. 

Unless you both have the boldness to bring these issues to the open burner, preferably the front ones, you will continue to experience disappointments in yourselves. 

She must have a reason for not trusting you enough to come to visit you at home. This couldn’t have started yesterday. It must have been a build-up of some past issues of wariness from what you have said or done. Look back and see where you have gone wrong because if a woman you have dated for five years is still doubtful about the nature of your person, it shows that something isn’t right about the way you have both conducted your relationship in the last five years.

Like I said earlier, your relationship ought to have progressed beyond this point but for some strange reasons; you both appear incapable of dragging it from where you started off five years ago. 

If you really love and want her in your life, sit her down to discuss as sincerely as possible. Ask what her fears are about you? Why she doesn’t trust you enough? What mistakes you have made with her as well as her general opinion about you. These would enable you know precisely what the challenges are as well as how to give her all the assurances she needs to trust you implicitly.

Again, she might also need that important assurance that you wouldn’t try to compromise her when she comes to visit you at all. Perhaps both of you didn’t agree on the kind of relationship this was going to be. At this point before you both take the decision to quit, have this talk. You may discover eventually that the fault is yours and take the steps to make the necessary amends. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

I Need Igbo Man

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for what he is using you to do in our generation. I am a girl of 24 looking for a responsible man that is ready for marriage. The man should be God fearing as well as ready to settle down. I can be contacted through this email address. chikebaby81@yahoo.com. Importantly, the man should be Igbo by tribe. A non-Igbo man need not apply.

Re:

Dear Agatha, 

I read the story of Da Capone and his marriage to an older woman. Well, I want to encourage him with my own life story. Marriage is essentially about what works for one and not what works for the majority.

I am 27 years old while my wife is 38 years old. We got married last year December and she is expecting our baby now. 

When we met and made my intentions known; there were protests everywhere from friends and family members who didn’t know what I saw in an older woman. They refused to see what I saw.

Unable to sleep from the pressure of the society and my own feelings for this woman, I asked myself this important question, would the society come to live with me and my wife? Are they the ones who will live in my marriage or face the consequences of marrying the wrong woman? It was that night I made up my mind to carry on with my plans no matter what others thought of it. And you know what? I have never stopped celebrating God for the kind of woman He gave me for a wife. Despite what people said then, I am the happiest man on earth. All those people are now coming back to apologise for what they all said then.  I have a happy marriage; is like heaven on earth. You are doing great in your work. I encourage you to follow your heart and not be discouraged by people who have no inkling about your feelings for this woman.

Onwuchekwa

My Premium Partner Too Scary To Have Sex

Dear Agatha,
I want you to give me a practical solution to this problem.
I am a man who loves his wife and has been married for four years with two lovely children. My wife scores high in most departments and I’m happy for that, but my greatest problem now is that she is too frigid and indifferent to sex.
The happy home I have now hasn’t always been so especially during our first year of marriage. But because I’m the analytical type, whenever we are having a particular problem, I have always ended up resolving our problems pragmatically through dialogue where necessary and other measures as the case may be. My determination to always succeed in everything I indulge in has made me go extra miles to insure success in my marriage. My wife has also been very good, understanding, and complementary.
However this frigidity and indifference to sex on my wife’s part has reached an extreme level and this is the greatest threat to the lovely home I enjoyed till now. Unfortunately my wife doesn’t realise the great danger to our stability her frigidity and indifference to sex portend.
Before I married my wife, I knew that she did not indulge in love-romance-sex so much. She was and is still the responsible type. Though I was worried then, but I took that as a positive attribute to her because I travel a lot, so I wanted someone whom I could trust not to mess around whenever I am away. My calculations paid off very well, as she is a good woman.
However I underestimated the extent of her indifference to sex. Or rather I assumed that I could always teach her and make her to be able to satisfy me when we get married. That was my grave mistake now. Instead of my wife to improve or learn from me who has a lot of experience due to my rather promiscuous life in the past, she has actually retrogressed. She has practically refused to learn new techniques or methods of having quality sex; in fact she no longer does even the few things she used to do before we got married. After two children, her performance has increasingly declined making me the most worried man on earth. She simply would prefer we don’t have sex unless it’s when we want to make babies. She will always tell you she is tired. When she wants it, she will just lie down flat on the bed and you do all you like and get off her. If I demand for variations, she would complain of pains. I have never gotten any encouragement from her. She thinks having two children is too cumbersome and stressful, but we agreed to have four or five children. So I wonder what shall become of me when we have all the children we plan for.

It is so bad that I find it difficult to feel any excitement when I have the urge to be with her. 

Agatha, it isn’t as if we are old. I’m only in my early 30s and have been married only four years. If this woman’s total indifference to sex causes me to lose the ability to have sex even when I want it, I can’t accept it.
I love sex and my wife knew it before marrying me. I believe in moderation in everything one does, so was ready to control my sexual urges when I married her due to her nature. But I didn’t bargain for what I am getting now.
My wife is my best friend and I have discussed this issue with her over and over again. I have tried all I could to make her see reasons with me. Maybe because she knows am principled and that I cherish my lovely and peaceful home after the turbulences of the first year, she has taken it for granted that I would not want to rock the boat for something as flimsy, in her opinion, as sex.
She feels too comfortable in this marriage especially since she knows that I appreciate most of her attributes as a good wife. That is the problem.
My problem is that if nothing is done and I continue with this woman, I might forget to have any desire for my wife. I have been forced by her to go and seek satisfaction elsewhere. But I don’t want to have extra marital affairs neither do I want to mess around.
I consulted a trusted senior friend. After weighing the issue carefully he gave me three options I should choose from:
to be a born again, or even a pastor and thereby forget or think much less about sex. To get a mistress to take care of my sexual desires or get a second wife.
Unfortunately none of the three options is really the answer to my problem. Another friend told me to give my wife the impression that there is someone outside by sleeping outside the home for some nights. I have never done this since I got married. The idea is to make her come out of her comfort zone and fight for her marriage.
This option once worked when we were dating. She is very protective and once she realises she is about to lose me, she becomes desperate and ready to do anything to please me. She only relapsed when we got married. The problem with this option for me is that I have forgotten how to be irresponsible. How do I act convincingly to make her jealous and not destroy the good reputation I have built since getting married to her?

I also don’t want to get involved with a woman who would destroy my home.
Agatha, I think the last option will work for me, but don’t know how to execute it without hurting myself or my wife or family.
Please advise me on what to do. First, inform me if there is any other option I can use. But if you think my preferred option is good, please advise me on how to go about it without breaking my home.
Worried Husband. 

Dear Worried Husband, 

Have you considered the fact that your method of approach too may be faulty? There is no frigid woman only a bad lover. What have you done to get her out of her cupboard?

Granted some women are more responsive than others, but the fact remains that every woman needs a master lover to get her to perform at her premium best. You may have the experience, but do you have the technical know-how to get her out of her shelf without her even knowing how or when she did?

Lovemaking goes beyond the process of a man entering the woman and climaxing. It is like a book we read; study and get results from. She may be your best friend but you still don’t have a clue about her body. For both of you to exist as husband and wife, there must be a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. From what you have said so far, you don’t have the key to your wife’s treasury. 

You don’t have to wait for her to be ready for you or change her ways. Chances are if you adopt that attitude, she may never come out of her present state of mind to give you the kind of satisfaction you want from her. Also, the danger of not trying is what your friends are pushing into. Having affairs outside your home would only mess so many things up for you. Even if you pretend you are having these affairs when you are not, what about the psychological damage to your wife and children? 

By the time the repercussions come, it won’t look as if you were pretending to have these affairs. The problems will be real and messy. 

You have made a choice of the kind of woman that appeal to you so make do with the situation by using your imagination to fight the challenge you have in your hands.

No matter how indifferent or frigid a woman is the right touch in the right place can get her screaming for more. The time for talk is not now rather it is the time for action. Have you ever tried to investigate her body? Find out where her erotic zones are? Take her down memory lane; to the first time you both made love? It may not be much a memory to you but from your own admission, it was better than what you now have.

Can you remember what you did to her back then to make her so responsive? Unfortunately many of us, as we get deeper into marriage and each other, forget the potency of the fingers. The human body is wired to be inspired by the feel of touch. With the fingers you can get to discover what her pleasure points are. Begin from the scalp of her head to the sole of her feet. Don’t leave out any point of her body; while doing this, observe her different responses to the places you have touched. You will get all the answers from the drop in her voice, the muffled moans, the twinge, stiffing and total abandonment, you get to know the areas to apply gentle touch to, put all the pressure as well as the no go areas of her body. The fact that one particular point gives the women you have been involved in excitement doesn’t make it universal. Every woman comes with her private pin code; all you have to do is to discover the combination that belongs to your wife. 

There is also the need for you to continue to talk to her as frankly as possible including the reality and possibility of her pushing you into the waiting arms of another woman if she continues to rebuff your moves. You won’t gain anything by having affairs outside your home or making her think you are but you gain a lot by being brutally frank with her. By letting her know that you are very capable of playing around would make her reconsider her options. 

Good luck. 

He Lacks Fire Our Love Needs To Glow

Dear Agatha, 

Please, I have a problem with my boyfriend who has been in my life for years. He is so supportive, but lacking in some qualities I want in a man. I have tried my best to make sure he changes, but he is not ready to change.

He doesn’t allow me to know his movement, insults and disgraces me at regardless of the audience or where. 

I am fed up with the whole thing anymore. Besides, he doesn’t even care about me anymore. He will tell me I am his wife to be, but don’t bother to visit me at home. Despite the fact that he gives me money, he completely lacks in other areas. I don’t want to hurt him by cheating on him, but he cheats on me and flaunts his these on my face. He keeps telling me he doesn’t have my time anymore. 

I have tried to point out his attitude towards me, but he appears unwilling to change. Because he has done so much for me, I don’t want to appear as an ingrate because people who are not close to us won’t know what my challenges are before jumping to the wrong conclusions. 

Please help me out. I don’t want to be used and dumped, because I have turned down a lot of guys to be with him. Agatha, please help me before it is too late. If I try to ask him how he spends his money, he tells me the money belongs to me and not him. Having finished school, I am moving out into the world where I will meet a lot of persons. Please help me make the right decision. 

Betty.

Dear Betty, 

First and foremost, it behooves you to be very sincere with yourself on this matter. Are you making all these excuses because you have finished school and want the freedom to explore the world without the shadow of this man behind you?

Is it a case of giving the dog a bad name to have an excuse to hang it? What makes his attitude suddenly become so unbearable when you have coped all these years?
To avert the many regrets we often have later in life over certain decisions we make, be careful that you are truthful to yourself and that this guy is really all these things you claim he is. 

If it is true that he violates you psychologically irrespective of where you are and who is watching, it is an ominous sign of the kind of husband he would be. If as a boyfriend he does all these things knowing that you are still at the promissory level, hence have the freedom to walk away anytime, then there is no telling what he will do when he marries you. Violence in marriage is very difficult to address and resolve amicably, so beware you don’t bow to sentiment in your choice of a life-partner.

However because of the support he gave you, it is imperative you sit him down to discuss your fears at his attitude, character and reactions to you. Letting him escape with the feelings that you deliberately waited till you have finished school before complaining about his attitude would be one of the greatest injustices you can do to yourself. What others say or don’t about you isn’t as important as the impression of you he would have should you hastily dump him now that you are ready for the world. 

The question you should ask yourself is, is the world ready for you? The real world has many of him so are you prepared? Your level of preparation depends on the lesson you are taking away from this relationship. To have the correct gauge, you have to be absolutely truthful and fair to this man by admitting your faults too. Granted some men can’t handle their temper, what are your own contributions to the monster he has become now? A wise woman knows when to keep quiet and walk away from embarrassing situations especially one that would see the world witnessing her shame. Do you consider yourself as having the right kind of temperament to deal in future with such a situation and prevent your man’s temper from flaring in public? Unless a man is completely insane, he wouldn’t without help from the woman go berserk. Chances are you nudge him unknowingly to react in this beastly manner. Though not an excuse for any man to beat his wife or degrade her, but the truth remains that it takes help from the woman to create the situation.

If you are determined to move on, you need for your own good to learn the diplomacy in man-woman relationship. The essence is not for you to stay but for you to be a better person, woman and partner. Since he says he is tired, don’t force it. From this point, take each day of the relationship as it comes. Give yourself till the end of the year to get this relationship back on the line or wind up. Because of the length of time you have been together, it is important you still give the relationship some rooms to maneuver a little bit. Use this time to talk, appraise each other, grade your relationship with a view of seeing where you both went wrong and possibly how it can be revived but if at the end of the day, you can’t cope, be bold enough to admit it to him because relationship is meant to be enjoyed and not endured. But learn to do so with the fear of God imprinted boldly in your mind.

Good luck.  

My Husband Is Callous, Inconsiderate…

Dear Agatha, 

I have been married for years and have two children. My husband and I dated for almost seven years before the marriage and I thought our relationship was admirable. However, since we settled down he has changed. He maltreats me all the time by putting me down and insulting me for no reason. He can’t complain about anything because I clean the house, I cook his meals and take care of the children. I know my responsibilities as a wife and mother. Throughout my pregnancies which were both difficult and resulted in C-sections he wasn’t supportive, but instead picked fights with me which always reduced me to tears. In fact he has made me so miserable and made my self-esteem very low. In addition, his mother maltreats me and he is aware of this and does not even show any concern for my welfare.

All they do is both complain about me especially since I do not speak or understand Yoruba; they knew this before we got married and never hinted that it was a problem to them. Frankly, I am tired. This is not the kind of life I wish to live. I’ve tried ignoring everything by being patient that eventually our relationship will improve, but it’s getting worse everyday. I’ve even tried discussing the issues with him, but as usual he bluntly says that I’m the problem and says it’s my fault and that it’s always the woman who is the source of the problem in any marriage. Seriously, even his mother supports him with that one and has even told me several times. These days when he lashes out at me he always brings up the kids, saying that they are his kids and that he’s the one providing for them so he owns them, and that I’m a bad mother and a useless one for that matter. Once he even asked why I didn’t die on the operating table when I had our second child. I want to leave the marriage because I now know that my husband has nothing good to offer me. I believe he dislikes me and I don’t know why. If I stay, this man will ruin my life and life is too short to waste. I want to be strong and healthy for my children, and not end up being depressed and frustrated. We all know where that eventually leads.

Elizabeth.

Dear Elizabeth, 

From experience, violent marriage is the worst thing that can happen to a woman. It not only destroys one’s self-esteem but also leaves one haggard and depressive. 

It takes the grace of God for any woman who is in a violent marriage to recover and bounce back to her feet.

But this is not to say the man is usually to blame alone. Knowledge and understanding of marriage dynamism demands that wisdom is applied before any rash decision is taken. Your lack of understanding of each other’s language and implication, your different cultures may also be a strong contributor to the problems you are both having in your marriage. It is also evident of the many issues both of you neglected to discuss before you got married. 

Irrespective of whatever is happening between the two of you, there is always a way out. Divorce should always be the last option.

Since his mother seems to have a very strong influence on him, you might have to by-pass him for now and work on his mother. This may at first appear difficult given her hostile attitude to you but you just must summon the courage and see how you can get her to listen even if it is for one moment to you. In a situation like this, don’t expect instant success. As a matter of fact, it may never come, but persistence and understanding of her nature will win the battle for you eventually.

Begin by trying to put yourself in her shoes and her in your shoes. Were you to judge and assess fairly, do you think she might have one or two things to complain about concerning you? In her shoes what would you think of the accusations that you are to blame for whatever is happening in your marriage?

Many a time, we come into our marriages with a very wrong misconception about our mothers-in-law. What was and is still your own opinion about your mother-in-law? Often than not impressions we come with into marriage form our mode of behaviour and eventually the way a lot of people begin to react to us. You may have unwittingly incited your husband’s attitude against you by the way you react and respond to his mother. At what point did she and her son change towards you, because if she didn’t want her son to marry you, given the way the two of them are, your husband won’t have married you. So there is no smoke without fire. Look at yourself critically to know where you put the wrong foot forward. Righteousness has no place in marriage else it will become stillborn. It strives more on sacrifices, compromises as well as humility.

You need a thorough understanding of her person to know how to appease her. Have this at the back of your mind, that she will never go away and that as long as you are married to her son, she will always be there in your marriage, invited or not. 

The best way to deal with an opponent is not to run away, but to develop the patience to know the weak points of the opponent. Every person has a soft spot. What is hers? And why haven’t you made an attempt to speak your husband’s language? Learning the language would give you an edge they would never have over you, the advantage of hearing them speak, making it impossible for him and his mother to decide your fate while you are seated. 

Not trying at all after two years to learn the language makes it easy for his mother to manipulate things her way. There is power in a language and for the simple fact that you aren’t trying to learn is one reason you are still being regarded as an outsider. There is always this soul pull to one who understands one’s native tongue. In addition, doing so would communicate more than any word your desire to be part of the family, learn their ways and adapt to the culture of your new family. Your husband, though weak would feel much better being able to exchange words with you in his native tongue. English language cannot be an effective mode of communication in a home because it doesn’t have the cultural intimacy and bond our native tongues bring to bear on us. Besides, not being able to speak would make the children unable to understand the ways of their people. 

For a mother, your mother-in-law worries that her grandchildren may end up not having a cultural root to peg their existence on. This perhaps forms the overtly claim to ownership of the children by your husband who could be nursing the fear that you may end up teaching the children your language instead of his.

Although his attitude to you as well as his wish you had died on the operating table is callous and unthinking on his part, you still have to exercise more patience for the sake of those children. 

If in two years of marriage you are both having this kind of problem in your home shows that there are so many things you failed to discuss before you went into the marriage. You both assumed that the language thing is something you can handle but it is becoming apparent by the day that you both must sit to discuss it and find ways of bridging the gap it has created between the two of you. Not learning is giving your mother-in-law a good reason to continue to treat you like an outsider in your home. 

Get a friend who comes from his side of the country to teach you the basic words you need to know. You can always build on the basic as the years go by. In addition, learn how to cook his native meals; the kind he grew up with, his mother is using to push you out of your home. 

Battles with mother-in-law are best done subtly, to avoid conflict in your home. Remember apart from you aspiring to be a mother-in-law one day, this woman gave birth to the man whose name you have taken on and father to your children. A wise woman, no matter how difficult her mother-in-law is, must go out of her way to make her happy. By learning to speak her language shows a willingness to adapt to the ways of your new family. Marriage is a school of compromises. Once you are able to win the mother, it would be easier to get through to your husband whose backbone is his mother. 

However, if the violence persists, get someone very close to your husband to talk to him preferably his pastor and if there is no improvement, it might be best to take a temporary break to avert the greater tragedy of a life threatening situation that comes from constant physical assault, to give both of you time to reflect on your reason for coming together. Once you both come to that all important point of knowing that no matter what happens along the line, the two of you are the most important persons in this marriage, every other thing that seems insurmountable now would become a thing of the past.

And never forget to pray and invite God into your marriage because He has everybody and situation in His hands. Good luck. 

RE: My Adamant Online Lover Wants To Come Back

Dear Agatha,
I sincerely disagree with you on this one. Sometimes it seems you’re biased when it comes to issues where ladies misbehave or fail their men. The handwriting is so bold on the wall; this lady definitely has something to hide. And it’s not good enough to bring it out for Mr. Anxious Yankee to see or know. This kind of lady cannot be trusted. When will she change? When she settles down? Or will that be after five children for him?  A man and a woman who want to spend their lives together must be able to trust each other with their lives. This lady is not trustworthy. It’s as simple as that. No explanation is good enough for this disappointing failure on her part. As long as she wasn’t indisposed and hospitalised, one day out of thirty is a sacrifice she should be more than willing to make to visit her man, considering she was freely provided with all necessary logistics. This lady has something up her sleeve, why is she calling and sending him text messages now that he’s back in the USA?
In as much as time is of the essence for any woman and a distance relationship would not suite her too well, she wasn’t forced into it, she agreed to it on her own, she should have weighed the consequences of a distance relationship and possible outcomes before engaging in it. If she wasn’t willing to give the relationship the 120 per cent it required and making all the necessary sacrifices that a distance relationship would require, she should never have gotten into it in the first place. A distance relationship obviously requires a lot of extra work, sacrifice, dedication, commitment, faithfulness and loyalty from both parties involved, so that trust and love are not damaged.
And I’d like to ask. To what end do you say time is of the essence for a woman, is it as regards her productive years as a mother or her youth and physical beauty? I want to believe it’s not the latter, because it would be very bad if we judged our women by how beautiful or young they looked! And I want to believe you wouldn’t be encouraging that. Beauty is skin deep and true love does not look at age or youth!
I’m a regular reader of your column, I’ve read many articles people sent in to complain of still having feeling or cheating with an ex-lover while married. Sometime last week, a lady wrote to inform you she was in love with a married evangelist with children and he was obviously in love with her. These are scenarios that “might” lead to such situations, though not necessarily all the time. But we never can tell, we must be willing to safeguard our trust and credibility at all times in all situations in all relationships, this lady had failed woefully in this aspect, without even necessarily accusing her of anything, she has no excuse whatsoever that will be good enough.
The bottom line is that this lady has something to hide, she shouldn’t be given a chance to explain herself, Mr. Anxious Yankee as a lawyer should know that given all this time, she’s had enough time to fabricate a story, if she’d come upfront from the start like a relationship of this nature would require, it would have saved all these issues. If she had nothing to hide, she should have been there for him, for at least one of those days that he was here in Nigeria. The lady in question is not capable of a distance relationship and cannot be trusted; this action of hers is typical of an untrustworthy, dubious and wayward person. Trust is like virginity, once lost can never be regained, it’s like a broken egg, once broken can never be out back together. Personally, I think this relationship is over, if they stay together and get married, someday the skeletons in the cupboard will come to haunt the relationship!
Myke.

Dear Myke, 

Thanks for this mail. When I say time is of essence to a woman, I mean in terms of her reproductive years. Nature, you would agree with me, has pegged the reproductive years of the woman, whereas the man is more fortunate not to have such biological limitations. Beauty, to me, is what the person has inside and not what the person looks like.

I Fear My Love Will Jilt Me

Dear Agatha,

I am a twin. I am deeply in love with a God-fearing lady. But I am always scared she would end up jilting me because of the distance between the two of us. Besides, before starting with me, she had a disappointing relationship with her ex; something she feels bad about whenever she remembers. What can I do?

Confused Boyfriend.

Dear Confused Boyfriend,

There is no magic you can do unless she is ready to let go of the memories of her past relationship. She has to learn to trust again, belief in life as well as the God she serves. 

A child learning how to walk must stumble, fall and rise again for the circle of life to be complete. This is true too of falling in love. Anybody going into a relationship must be prepared to be hurt or disappointed because it is a process of life. Every endeavour that has human process is clothed in the garment of failures and hurts. There is no escaping these. As a matter of fact, these act as our personal C-caution in life. They are meant to moderate our speed in life. Without these in-built natural bumps, many of us would live life with a careless attitude, trusting more in our abilities than putting all our hopes in the one person that matters the most, God. There are no half-measures in life. We therefore must learn at every point to entrust God with our every thing, because it is not so much about our disappointments but what we do when these natural challenges come in our everyday relationships with people.

She has to understand that many things happen to us for our own good. She met you because that relationship failed. If it didn’t, she wouldn’t have been able to have free access to you, love you with the freedom she now has to be associated with you. If love is truly what she feels for you, she simply has to trust in whatever you two have going, trust in your abilities to make her happy as well as be prepared to accommodate whatever challenges are present in what you both have going.

Life is only beautiful when we let it be. Every step in life is full of uncertainties but that should not make us falter in taking the next step, which is important to our getting to our desired destination in life. While the scares are concomitant reminders of our wounds, they only serve to make us more mature in our next steps in life, not to make us fearful or untrusting of our next moves. Only cowards allow a past wound from stopping them from living life again.

But that is not to say, these scars too don’t serve the purpose of bringing to memories some of the ugly incidents of our past. Sometimes, they actually mock our gullibility; hence the need for you to really go out of your way to allow her see how much you care. There is a difference between seeing and telling. The seeing is the little things you do for her that tells how she is very precious to you. These things convey in them so many things words cannot precisely say. You could keep echoing the word love to her without showing her how much she means to you.   If you haven’t already demonstrated to her  the quality of your love for her, please do so, let her be reminded too that you also come with some history of your own but because you find something extremely unique and trustworthy about her, decided to love her as part of yourself. She has to understand where you are coming from and precisely what you want from her.

Because what she has been through, she needs more clarification as well as constant assurances of what you feel to trust again and be able to forget the past.

Also, understand the need for constant assurances through calls, text messages and visits. In distant relationships, communication must be constantly flowered by the couples to make it work. Since there are no two people alike, one of the parties must dutifully take on the task of making the most calls. In this case, the lot falls on you as a result of her past history, fears and suspicions of you. It is called a selfless sacrifice, one you must make to be happy in the love you have. Problems come in distant relationships when both parties expect the other to call and when one who seems to be making some of the calls feels bad about the apparent indifference of the other person. Relationship generally requires understanding of the nature of the person one is involved with. And in distant relationship, this is importantly necessary if the relationship is to survive the virus of couples living far apart from each other. Doubts, once they build up, are often very difficult to flush out of a relationship. 

They just keep piling up until they destroy what could have been an ideal match. 

With her enveloped in self-doubt as well as despair in love, ensure you go out of your way to help her appreciate what it is like to be with you by always giving her very fond memories to remind her of you in between visits.

You will achieve this more by presenting yourself not only as a man interested in her body but as a friend interested in her happiness as a person. You have to ensure she trusts you as a good friend, one she cannot do without at any point in her life. Translating yourself as a friend first will draw her out to you, make her become dependent on you as well as open her heart up to you until she forgets what pains the other inflicted on her. It is from this friendship, a trusting relationship can grow very well. 

If you do it right, overtime she would come to appreciate you and see you as a good friend to be depended on.

Overall, entrust everything to God.

Good luck.

My Foreigner Wife Is Dating Her Father’s Friend

Dear Agatha,
I always find your response to people’s questions very educative. I will need your help and advice on some issues in my relationship.
I got married four years ago to a foreigner. A year after we got married, I got to know by accident that she was having an affair with her father’s friend. I found out when she travelled to her country for holidays and I had to go through her emails. 

I found the mails both of them exchanged, the expression of lovers sentiments and emotions by the two of them. 

In one of the mails sent him by my wife, she told this man how much she missed him. I printed out the mails and showed my wife on her return. She admitted to the relationship and begged me to shield her.  I obliged her and kept quiet about it. 

However, six months later she started behaving funny, she left home for four days because of a little problem we had and left my son and I at home. She came back only after I called her parents who I think ordered her to come back.
After we settled the problem, she told me she would need to go and visit her parents to enable her unwind from the tension generated by the misunderstanding between the two of us. She promised to stay for only a month. She left in January and till now is yet to return. Every month she asks for permission to spend an extra month. The last time I spoke with her demanding to know why she has abandoned her matrimonial home for this length of time, as well as for her immediate return, she told me she was doing a course and will only return when she finishes. She ended up hanging up the phone on me.
I am sick and tired but I am just taking it easy for now to avoid making a costly mistake which is why I want your help. 

Agatha, what do I do next?  

Luiz.

Dear Luiz, 

What is preventing you from travelling to wherever she is to find out why she is refusing to come back to you? Surely, something of interest must be keeping her back. It is also important you know what the position of her parents in all this is.  After all, when she left home the excuse she gave was that she was going to spend a month with her parents. And if the one month has extended to six months, you reserve the right to know why they have decided to keep her with them and even allowed your wife go for a course without your express permission. 

This matter has gone beyond you and this woman to her family. If her family isn’t giving her the support to stay away from her home, there is no way she would have stayed away from her marital responsibilities for such a length of time. 

It is clear from what is happening that there are issues within your marriage that you as the head of the home are not giving all the seriousness they deserve. 

Irrespective of where she is from, the marriage rules are clearly defined the world over. A woman once married stays with her husband and not her parents.

When a woman persistently craves for the company of others more than her husband, it means there is something missing in her marriage.

This is something a telephone conversation will not be able to resolve. You must see her to know why she has abandoned her home, went for a course without first discussing it with you and her feelings towards being married to you. 

Plead with her to be faithful to you. Insist she tells you the truth; that if tired of the marriage, she should be bold enough to let you know instead of fishing for excuses to end the marriage. 

The obvious lack of longing on her part for you is a dangerous sign of lack of interest in the marriage. Given her closeness to her father’s friend, you must find out if the relationship has been reactivated for her to stay away for this long. 

Sincerely, you have my sympathy but you must, after discussing with her, take a firm step to avoid too much emotional injury to yourself. The danger of you allowing her and her family control the marriage would be the lack of respect for you and erosion of your self-esteem as a man. 

Your visit would also provide you with the opportunity of meeting with her parents and dispelling whatever negative impression they have of you. Man to man, confront your father-in-law and demand to know why he is giving support to his daughter to ruin her marriage. The problem here isn’t as much as the lady’s but her parents who appear to be backing her way of life. Had either the father or mother, insisted she went back to her husband, explaining the slippery terrain marriage is, perhaps, her conduct would have been moderated along the line of honour and responsibility to you and her child. 

If the result of your meeting with them isn’t satisfactory, involve your family as long as there was proper marriage rite. Your people have a right to ask for the whereabouts of the woman they came to seek her hand in marriage. Whatever the knotty issue is, it helps to bring it to the open with a view of finding the right kind of solution to it. 

Where you have made mistakes, be man enough to admit it. There is no marriage without issues but a lot depends on the willingness of the two parties to move forward. If you are prepared to overlook her moral behaviour; forgive her, let it come from you and not because someone or people pressured you into doing it. And if she is unwilling to come back to you, don’t force her into it. Allow her the freedom she craves because from what you narrated, you lack the kind of authority to keep this woman in check. 

One salient point to note is the thorough understanding of your cultural differences. If you are still interested in her, in your own interest, make out time to know what the culture of her people is and her family in particular. Unless you both know what to avoid as well as what is forbidden, you will keep having issues in your marriage. Chances are what we consider to be taboos here may just be a way of life in her country, hence the need for clarity when going across the boarder to get a spouse. I am sure if both of you had made the effort to discuss each other’s expectations, whatever it is that is bringing about this tension would have been ironed out before now.

Sincerely, at this stage, you must be prepared for the worst scenario. It is either she comes back or not. When a woman leaves her home for six months without giving a definite time of her return, a lot of thoughts must have been invested by her to get to this point; therefore dangerous for your emotional health as a man to put in too much hope on her coming back to you.

This is the right time for you to get close to God since He is the only one who has the powers to help you overcome.

Good luck.

What Makes Moral Bankrupts Better Wives?

Dear Agatha, 

I am one of your very strong fans. I have gained so much from reading your solutions to other peoples’ problems. However one thing keeps puzzling my mind and it has to do with the way things turn out to be. 

From an early age, I have vowed to do the right things; refused to take the risks my friends took dating different men. I didn’t get round to dating any man until I clocked 30. With some of my friends successfully married, and pressure mounting on me, I decided to give a man a chance in my life. I even allowed him access into my body. Like me, he is a staunch born again Christian. 

On discovery I was a virgin at that age, made him vow to marry me. But only for him, six months down the road, to come up with the excuse that I am unexciting in the bed. He said all attempts to teach me to flow with him failed due to my stiff nature.

Agatha, you won’t believe that he left me to marry one of the notorious ladies I know. He called to tell me that he is sorry but that he did what he had to because this other lady knows how to bring the best in him.

A look around me shows he isn’t the only one. Many of the girls we labelled morally bankrupt then are all happily married while those of us considered to be prime and proper have either unstable homes, broken marriages or are not even married at all.

This year, I would be 33 and still searching for a man to give me the kind of happiness I see in the homes of the friends I thought would never make good wives.

The questions I want to ask you Agatha, are these: how come the bad girls seem to be getting all the good men and what do men want from women? Your response would make an interesting reading to many women in my shoes who are daily becoming more disillusioned about the turns of things in their lives. 

I want to know where I went wrong and why I am being punished for doing what is right. 

Gbemi.

Dear Gbemi, 

To be frank, this is one question I would have done anything to avoid due to the many twists that follows an honest answer, but it comes with the job. 

Frankly, I have had to handle this knotty question in seminars and usually end up like this: life is a deep mystery one that only God can aptly define. 

You didn’t go wrong in trying to do what the discipline of Bible teaches. The Bible teaches morality wherever we are; do things to the glory and honour of God. For abiding to the teachings of the Bible, you have no blame.

But there is nowhere in the Bible that forbids seeking knowledge of what one doesn’t know. However, there is a huge difference between seeking knowledge the right way and the wrong way.

Right from the wee hours of our lives, nature and society begins the process of our eventual initiation into the institution of marriage. Ironically, this same society is the very one that puts so many obstacles on the road to learning how to do what must be done to achieve success in the task it has on its own set for us to follow. How come when we talk about the natural ingredient of marriage is always hushed under the carpet? Classified as forbidden? Has all the hushing done anything to stop people from doing it? 

Religious institutions simply follow the agenda the society has set for us but this time with a tougher discipline; a time-table that is so rigid and devoid of reality. 

It is this balance that gets people into trouble. When liberty is thrown into the winds, the result is a notorious reputation, which in the long run does no good to one’s image. The other end is for one to be anti-social, critical and cynical of every move perceived to be an aberration of their understanding of the Bible. 

The extremism we bring to bear on what is real and what we believe often not set the pattern of either our woes or joys in life. You are who you are by what you believe as well as your ability to marry these beliefs with what is realistic. Reality demands we would one day get married and have children. And if this is to happen, we should be real enough to know when to step out of our beliefs and mingle with members of the opposite sex as friends.

The reality of marriage demands we know how to study the person, temperament, attitude and character of the person we intend spending the rest our lives with. Marriage doesn’t happen between two strangers on the first day they meet. Rather it happens between two people who have come to the conclusions that they can together overcome life’s challenges as well as ambiguities.

For this simple reason, a buffer zone must be created for interactions of both men and women. There is nowhere the Bible condemns a gathering of both men and women for the purpose of exchanging positive knowledge about their differences. A market place of reality must be set up for everybody to come and shop for ideas, information, knowledge as well as experience on how to handle members of the opposite sex.

Thinking such a place breeds promiscuity, gives licence to people to abandon moral values is encapsulating life into a very narrow jacket of kindergarten thinking, something completely out of place in the real world.

In the pursuit of moral and religious sanctification, many people end up not only alienating themselves from others who maybe hold the same religious views, but also insulate themselves from the experience of others. This is why some of the so-called good girls end up with so many disappointments than those they regard as the bad girls.

Appearances can be very deceptive. The so-called bad girls may at the end of the day be as moral prim as the so-called good girls but have simply mastered the game of having an open mind to issues. Maturity is knowing that no man is an island, and that the world is a vibrant market place of ideas, opportunities and experiences. Hearing others talk about their real life pains, disappointments, mistakes and foolishness go a long way in helping others know how to avoid such things. One doesn’t have to sleep with a woman or man to have the knowledge of what to avoid and what not to avoid. This is where some girls are smarter than some others. Knowledge can’t be gotten from isolation. It comes from exposure to many shades of the canvas of life. A teardrop here and there could at the end of the day form a mighty ocean.

It also gives these smart girls the knowledge of what to do to keep their men happy, where to go for help and the technicalities of the dynamism between the man and woman as well as their different ways of thinking and reactions to issues. 

If a young woman desirous of one day spending the rest of her life with a man begins by treating them with hostility, being suspicious of their every move, run from their company; where would she get the men from when she is ready to marry? Would the men come from Mars? This is why such women, once the word is passed around find it difficult for them to get any man, because those who would have come are afraid of disgraceful rejection. 

Moderation is what life is all about. That one listens to discussions on sex, relationships doesn’t make one promiscuous. Moral bankruptcy comes from what you decide to do with the subject of sex. Knowing from the experience of friends and colleagues that sex is vital to the bond between a woman and man is not harmful or doesn’t it affect one’s relationship with God.

Even though your former boyfriend didn’t act well, the fact remains that for some men, sex is too important for them to gloss over. Granted, he didn’t have the patience enough to teach you the real act but as a woman you should know that life is one huge classroom. Most of the time, we depend on each other’s experiences to move forward. At 33, there is the need for you to step out of the cupboard and develop an attitude of wanting to learn, not by sleeping around but by being comfortable enough to listen and contribute to discussions of sex. 

Without talking about it, you won’t know what to do with it when the time comes for you to explore it. Besides, talking will also give you an idea of how to treat your man like a king; the kind of care that forms the total package and not just the sexual aspect of it. 

God isn’t punishing you for anything. It is just that you have refused to apply His given wisdom to certain aspect in your life. Knowledge and wisdom are strong weapons, so use them effectively. 

Good luck. 

My Weak Self-confidence Can’t Woo Any Girl

Dear Agatha, 

I’m an ardent reader of your column and I really like the way you help people. I’m a young guy of 19 years of age. I suffer from lack of self-confidence when it entails wooing a girl. I can talk to girls especially girls I don’t have much interest in. But when it comes to talking to a girl I really like, I wouldn’t know how to approach her. It’s really becoming a big problem for me. Please help me.

Helpless Boy.

Dear Helpless Boy, 

Lack of confidence comes from lack of trust in your own essence as a human being as well as the need to over-impress the object of your interest. When a man tries to make an impression on a woman, to attract her attention, he automatically wants to do or say unusual things to arrest her attention. 

This is why you feel confident talking to women who are merely your friends and are tongue-tied when you meet the ones you are interested in. 

Trying to make lasting impression can cause a man to lose focus of his intentions entirely. Sincerely, there is nothing special in talking to a woman other than self-confidence at your own ability as a man to get your message across. 

As a matter of fact, women become more difficult and mischievous when they perceive the man trying hard to woo her. Relationship should be reality driven and not based on some ideologies that would at the end of the day distort the true image of the two people involved. 

The man must from the beginning make the woman understand what he wants from her in a clear and simple way. The woman too must be real enough to appreciate the nature and sincerity of the man who has come to ask for her hand in a relationship. 

 You are able to talk to your female friends because you don’t have to impress them with your spoken English, wealth, connections or the other things that give excitement to some women. 

Deploy the same attitude when you meet a woman you are interested in. Begin first as friends. Don’t spoil the relationship by saying things like I love you and want you in my life. Often than not, women feel insulted by this line because it presents a woman as being gullible.

A woman is most likely to respect a man who comes first as a friend; to know who she is, give her the same opportunity of knowing him before the issue of falling in love or not. At first meeting, extend a hand of friendship to her; get to know the content of the package before presenting your original intentions.

It is always easier to talk to a friend than a stranger. The power of friendship helps to soften the ground of rejection as well as apprehension.

Good luck.  

He Longs For Fiery Romance…

Dear Agatha, 

I have a challenge with my boyfriend who seems to favour passionate romance. Not that he isn’t good in the act of lovemaking but is more into romance; I am not. What do I do?

Concerned Girlfriend. 

Dear Concerned Girlfriend,

Sincerely, many women would consider you a very lucky woman, because it is something of a rarity to find in one package a man who has passion for romance as well as the act of sex. 

Other women would welcome this because his passion would help bring them to constant satisfaction, the essence of lovemaking. What you should do is to properly guide him on how he can bring about your very best. Unlike most women who have to labour to get their men interested in the act of romance, yours come ready made. Granted that sometimes touching some areas of your body can be a turn off, but the truth remains that once you get involved, allow your mind to flow with the rhythm of his beat, you will have a more satisfying trip with him. 

To prevent him overdoing the romance thing, you must constantly tell him when you are not comfortable with his act, but to dismiss everything he is doing is to also prevent his fun.

Relationship is a symbiotic thing. Two must agree to be one. To achieve this, the two must learn to be selfless and supportive of the other, else the relationship becomes a one-sided affair, one that can destroy something meant to be beautiful. 

Be wise not to condemn his way else you end up creating problems for yourself.

Good luck.