My Supposed Admirer Snubbed Me

Dear Agatha,

I’m a very ardent reader of your articles. You have been highly blessed with a gift that is so rare and I thank God for that.

I need your candid thoughts and advice on something I did nearly two years ago that has constantly bothered me thereafter.

It actually began about four years ago when a guy in my church started to show interest in me. He would constantly stare at me and give me those puppy dog looks. He would completely forget himself whenever I share a space with him. It got so bad that he followed me around. Whenever it was time to share the grace in fellowship, he would make sure he came over to hold my hands and sometimes his hands would even tremble. I was 19 years old then, and had never been in any relationship. He was 22 years old.

At first, I knew that he liked me but I desperately tried to avoid him for the following reasons: Every girl practically threw herself at him because apart from being young, he also has a rich family. Furthermore, he was shy.

Back then, I too was extremely shy. I suffered from self-extreme and really didn’t feel like I deserved his love.

Besides, I knew about three other girls in the church he had dated, most of them very rich and come from influential families. He also had a reputation for staring at girls’ back then. 

Along the line, I found that I had fallen desperately in love with him; so, I decided to be more opened to him with the intention that we would get to talk about what was happening. I tried being friendly with him but he was so shy and would rather stare at me than talk to me. It was really a painful period in my life.

Anyway, all this went on for nearly two years until one day, just before my 21st birthday, something in me just snapped and I decided I was going to talk to him about it. I told myself that I was ready for whatever was going to happen. I just needed direction for my life at that time and needed to know where I was headed with him.

To cut a long story short, I went over to his office and asked him his plans for me. To my utter horror and disappointment, he looked at me in the eyes and told me that I was assuming too much into the relationship and that contrary to the impression I had of him that he was always starring at me, he never did and that he liked looking into the skies. I suspected that he may not want to tell the truth, but I never expected him to lie. After that day, he made sure he was more in controlled of the movement of his eyes. From that point I never caught him again looking at me. He also made a point afterwards of bringing a different woman to church every Sunday.

I was very hurt and bitter at the beginning. 

Since then, I haven’t fallen so hard for any man. I have honestly learned also to avoid him like a plague.

The question I want to ask you which has hunted me since that day is, did I make a right decision by going to ask him? The truth is that if I hadn’t asked, I would never have known the truth. But all my friends think I acted out of order and too forward. Please, what do you think about this and can I forgive him completely? How can I move on and pick up the pieces of my life again and fall in love?

Insomnia.

Dear Insomnia, 

There is no going through life without occasional falls, disappointments, mistakes and forgiveness. 

The issue here goes beyond whether you made a mistake with him or not. What counts now is the lesson you were supposed to have learnt from that episode. The lesson goes beyond now to the later part of your life. 

As a woman, you should be more astute, introspective and sure before jumping into a relationship. You don’t go into a relationship on account of what you think the man has in mind but what you are sure he has in mind. When you both started dating, what plans were in place? What did he tell you he wanted from you? What did you both agree on that you were going to do with the relationship?

What was the two years you spent in the relationship all about? Obviously you went into a relationship without first discussing the essence of or plans for it. 

Had you done that from the beginning you would have known his reasons for wanting you or the simple fact of who or what he was always starring at. You got a little bit carried away by the heady feelings of feminine importance that develops in a woman when she is the object of a man’s persistent interest. 

This is one lesson you must keep for the rest of your life: demand for a clear definition of what any man who indicates interest in you wants from you. Granted that relationships come from the heart, it helps to know what one is really up against to make the union less stressful and become more manageable. Had you known from the beginning what his plans were for you, going to ask him when you did wouldn’t have been necessary at all. The question wouldn’t have been his plans for you but assurances to know if you both were still on the same page.

As for your asking him, there is nothing bad in what you did. Better late than never! At least, if for nothing, it helped to bring you back to reality. 

As for this man, let go of his memories. Forgive him because that is the only way you can also have peace in your life and go into another relationship with a free mind and clear focus. 

You can’t totally blame him for your own mistakes too. If there is anyone who is to blame, you are the one; you didn’t price yourself well in the first place. Men would come to ask for your heart for different reasons - they are primarily hunters. 

As the gatekeeper of your heart and body, it behooves you to be sure of what they want before going into it. That you didn’t bother to ask isn’t his fault; so count your losses and move on with your life. 

Moving on means accepting that you have the major fault. This way, it would be easier to put the whole experience behind you and look at life with more maturity and better understanding of all its angles.

Also, it is important you have a clear outline of what you want in a relationship, your life and marriage. Doing so would help you identify the kind of man that will help you achieve it. It is also imperative you have a clear vision of the kind of foundation you want to lay in the relationship. 

The kind of foundation you want would determine how well the relationship progresses. If sex is what is more important to you than who the man is, the kind of life he can offer you, that is what you will get. Relationship is more of what we invest in it.

Good luck. 

Can I Be Secret Husband

Dear Agatha,

I met a lady who is older than me by two years, on Africhat. She resides in Uganda and wants me to be her secret husband. I agreed to the proposal only to discover she lied about being single. I found out that not only is she married but also has a three-year-old son. 

Agatha, should I continue with her or not? She promised me many things including coming to Nigeria. 

Confused Boy.

Bn 

Dear Confused Boy, 

Do you really need me to tell you to discontinue whatever it is you have going on with this woman? Shouldn’t you take to your heels on discovering that the woman you agreed to be a secret husband to, is married? How would you feel if you discover your wife is married to another man secretly? Besides, why would you agree to be the husband of a woman you don’t know and a secret one at that? For all I know, she might be a criminal on the run and looking for a legal means to run away from her country.

It would have been a different case if you didn’t find out that she has a husband and child. What do you hope to achieve by staying with a woman who feels no qualms betraying the man she is married to? What makes you think such a woman is capable of being faithful to anyone, least of all, one she doesn’t even know?

Don’t on account of greed continue in something that defies all moral, religious and social order. 

She has a right to come to Nigeria but, make it clear to her that you aren’t interested in her or whatever promised she made to you. 

In future, be careful who you allow into your space. As a man you should learn to work and not base your future on what you can get from anybody. Life is more of what we make of it than what anyone gives to us. 

From the tone of your letter, your concern seems to come from the fear of you losing the promises she made to you and not the fact that you are secretly married to another man’s wife. 

There must be more to life than materialism. Your sense of value must never be compromised for money or any of the material things in life. These would come and go but what makes all the difference in the world is who we really are. 

Rise above personal interests and tell this woman what you think of her act. You maybe the guardian angel sent to her by God to help her realise her mistakes. Handled maturely, you could end up being the most important person in her life without having to jeopardise your future and chance of a happy marriage. There is nothing that goes up that doesn’t come around.

Make her realise that even if she is having problems with her husband and marriage, marrying another man isn’t a panacea but a huge complexity that would affect the way every other person including her son views her later in life. Nothing in life happens by accident; the thing is for us to know what we are supposed to do or say when we find ourselves in inexplicable situations. 

Good luck.

My Adamant Online Lover Wants To Come Back

Dear Agatha,

Thank you for all these years that you have personally taken upon yourself the problems of others.   I am a naturalised American citizen with Nigerian roots. I am writing you this letter because of a lady I met online in April 2004.  We communicated by phone and through the Internet for some months and during this period, we discussed many issues. One of the issues discussed was building a well-founded relationship that may culminate in marriage. Honestly speaking, I wanted to share the rest of my life with her.

On or about October 2005, I came to Nigeria for my yearly visit and met her in person.  Although she is not from my tribe, we got to like each other very much because tribe is not important to me as an individual that is almost an outsider to Nigeria for over two decades; tribalism would be the last thing that will come to my mind when looking for a woman that I will share my body and soul with.  She was a nice looking girl and a student of one of the second generation universities in the South South. I hold a doctor of law degree from an American University and I practice law in New York.   The age difference was not an issue because she told me it was accepted in Nigeria.  We dated from that period until something happened in October 2009. 

During my visit to Nigeria in 2007, I noticed some changes in her behaviour and when I asked what the matter was, she said her landlady was evicting her from her apartment for non-renewal of her lease.  I gave her the money to renew her lease for the year.  I thought that problem was solved and that she would be more accommodating but she was still not happy and no other reason was postulated for that. And when I asked her whether she was seeing someone else, she answered in the negative. I pressed her hard to let me know if she was involved in a relationship with someone else, and that I should be given a reasonably notice so that I can move on with my life.  Throughout the period of our relationship, I supported her financially from New York through the Western Union.

On July 17. 2009, I was informed of the death of my aged father. Immediately I knew of the burial dates, I informed this girl that I would be coming to Nigeria and that her presence would be gladly appreciated. We settled for the transportation money that would take her from her South South place of abode to the Lagos Airport to await my arrival on a certain date.  When I arrived Lagos, this girl was nowhere to be found and when I attempted calling her phone number on several occasions, the phone was not reachable.  I tried again several times when I arrived Benin City but to no avail.   Finally, she answered my phone after my father’s burial ceremony was over.  When I asked her why she did not meet me in Lagos as we agreed, there was no reasonable response given.  I thereafter invited her to Benin to meet with me.  She neither refused nor accepted my invitation.  Throughout my stay in Benin, which lasted 30 days, she did not come.  

However, when I arrived New York, this girl who barely spoke to me on the phone while I was in Benin has been calling me non-stop, sending non-stop texts but I equally refused to answer her phone calls or return her text messages.  From one of her text messages, she said she wanted to tell me her own side of the story.  I vehemently refused to hear any story from her because I knew that this so-called relationship is over.

My worry is on whether I was too hash for refusing to pick her phone calls to hear her own story or respond to her numerous text messages.  I would appreciate your candid response to my predicament.

Anxious Yankee.

Dear Anxious Yankee, 

Two wrongs never make things right. Granted you have every reason to be angry and suspect her of insincerity, all the same, give her a chance to say what she has to say. You have all the rights in the world to accept her reasons or not, but it is always better for posterity sake to give every relationship the chance to either revive or terminate itself naturally. 

This way, regrets and all the many ifs that follow get buried with the relationship. Doubtless, she has given you enough grounds to doubt her love for you, and made you wonder about the possibility of another relationship. But hearing her excuse would give you the same opportunity to ask pertinent question of your own and perhaps consider taking some of the steps you should have taken long ago. 

One thing you must never lose sight of is the concomitant problems your staying millions of miles apart are causing between the two of you. First is the cloud of doubts in her mind as each day passes by. As a woman, time is of essence. She cannot afford the luxury of the time a man has. Mother Nature has put her under a time limit. Each season of her life is defined by nature. A by-gone season is always difficult to challenge in another season. She is in the season to make some important decisions that will affect the course of her life. Failure to do so now may see her wasting away on the spinster shelf. 

At her age, only a few women can peg all their hopes on yearly visits. Being in Nigeria with her family and friends, even if she intends spending all her life with you, the fact that nothing concrete seems to be happening from your end would make all the pressures on her from these circle of people most difficult to oppose. 

Sincerely, if you haven’t done anything to concretise your desire to spend the rest of your life with her by way of meeting her parents and she meeting yours and both families coming together to discuss the future of both of you, whatever you and her may have discussed is still promissory, an agreement that may not work in her favor at the end of the day.

Being generous with money on her is not enough; money cannot give her warmth or fill the void your presence has created in her life. Money can only guarantee material comfort. As a young lady, a time would come when no amount of money you give her would be enough incentive to keep hoping on your agreement. 

The time has come for you to make up your mind about what you really want and take the bold step towards its actualisation. 

If you want this girl, despite what her offences are, talk to her and clear all doubts in her mind. Five years is a long time for you especially to be desperate to have your wife come to live with you. Your refusal to be desperate in wanting her to come over, may make her think there is another woman living with you. While there is still no concrete evidence that she is cheating on you, if she is doing it, this may be another factor. 

Put yourself in her shoes and try to imagine how she is feeling: her fears that she might be disappointed at the end of the day. Certainly her steps and decisions are condemnable but you have to listen to her to understand where she is coming from. 

If at the end of the day, her reasons make sense to you and you can find it in your heart to forgive, do so and immediately take the important step to have her come over to you. 

It is only an unwise person that leaves the best of his flock in an unprotected open field. To do that, is an open invitation to the wolves to have an unhindered feast. 

If she means anything to you and you love her as you said, move away from promises to fulfilling the promises. 

It is the way to get her back to you, weaken whatever relationship she is into or resolve pressures around her. 

One more thing, reading through your letter gives the impression that you favour technicalities. Relationship is about spontaneity. It is something you feel, not reason. Notices are not given to fall in love. Asking her to give you a notice when she wants to quit isn’t the right approach or attitude of someone who is in love. This too may have sent some wrong signals into her. A man in love would do anything to keep the woman in his life by his side.

Above all, seek the assistance of God because he only has all the wisdom.

Good luck. 

I’m In Love With A Married Evangelist

Dear Agatha,

Do please help me as you have been helping others. I am a girl of 25 years, in love with a man I met when I was 19 years, barely three months after his wedding. 

He is an evangelist. We started out as platonic friends but before we knew it we had become lovers as we are deeply in love with each other. I left the country two years ago thinking whatever we had was over. I moved on with my life, got involved in church activities until he resurfaced again, telling me he had tried through all the people close to me to get my contact.

Some of the people he actually asked confirmed this. 

It has been 10 months since we reconnected and have been communicating. We spend almost four hours everyday on the phone talking. 

I know you might think I have lost it if at 25 years of age, I find no other man appealing except this man that is married. Agatha, he happens to be my first love and I intend making him my last since I plan to remain single. To go out with another man would be a tragedy.  I am very ambitious and by January I would be in America for my Masters in Medical Laboratory and Medicine.

I have this faith that I am going to make it in life and would therefore not need any man in my life.

According to this guy, he doesn’t want to be selfish by telling me not to marry but that we would still be lovers till we grow old. I know he loves me. The only problem is that he is married with children and he professes to be a Christian. We can’t marry. Both of us have tried severally in the past to let go but it is just so difficult. I am planning to remain single and have a baby for him even if we are not together. I can’t love again! What do I do? I think I already know your answer but this love affair wasn’t intentional for the both of us. I used to be a good Christian with good morals. Any action I take now will break my parents’ hearts because they have always held me in high esteem.

Angel.

Dear Angel,

What made you change from being a good Christian to one who is not only having an affair with a married man but one who is a servant of God? Why would you want to break another woman’s home by having a child for her husband?

Whatever made you derail isn’t the fault of the woman who you are denying her husband, the man whose children can’t get to see their father when they want because you have him when they want him to play with, talk to and spend quality time with. 

How would you feel if you were in that woman’s shoes - being denied of your husband by another woman? It isn’t fair, especially as this man is supposed to be an evangelist, a servant of God who is supposed to show the light for others to follow? The effect of your affair with him isn’t affecting his home only but it is also destroying his callings and the ministry entrusted to him by God. You might get away with hurting the wife but how do you apologise to God for destroying the ministry he entrusted to this man?

Would you be able to withstand the wrath of God at the end of it all? Tolerate the shame of your parents finding out about your dating a married man who is an evangelist. 

Sincerely, you have every right to do whatever you want but don’t anchor your decision on the reason that you can’t love another man because of this man. Don’t forget he has his life to live and he is doing so with his wife and children. Having a child for him would not make any difference to him at all. A man who isn’t faithful to God can’t be trusted to be faithful to any person. 

A time would come in your carefully planned lifestyle when you will want more than those occasional visits; when you will need more of him, especially in those cold and lonely nights when the child is running temperature and needs the assuring presence of his father. 

What do you plan to do when your feminine thirst for him overrides every other thing? Break into his time with his family to get him to do your bidding?

Be real. You may be bright and smart, but what you have said doesn’t make sense since this is not just about what you want and what is practicable. This man isn’t free to marry you or have a baby from another woman. You are being selfish to want things your own way.

Even, if he isn’t sensible enough to apply the breaks, do it for him if you really love him. When you go for your Masters programme, do him a big favour by not contacting him. It will help you to forget him and get real about your priorities in life. You aren’t interested in another man because you have made yourself addicted to this man. 

Once you are able to bury your feelings for him, you will be surprised at what you are capable of feeling for another man. 

Learn to pray and ask God for forgiveness so he can help you overcome this dangerous game of infatuation.

Good luck.

She Withdrew Huge Amount From My Account

Dear Agatha,

I have a big problem with my fiancé. As a matter of fact I have tried all the tricks I know to make her see reasons, but she has remained adamant. I once wrote to you on a problem which I needed urgent advice on. I requested you reply through my email address, but till date I haven’t got a reply to that problem.

This incident happened recently. Two months ago I gave my woman a blank cheque since she stays far away from me. She is a student in one of the higher institutions of learning in one of the north central states and I reside in the North East. I am always on the move from one place to the other. I gave her the cheque so that when I am not within reach and she needs money urgently, she can phone me and we would agree on how much she should cash from the bank.

But to my greatest surprise when I went to the bank to deposit some amount of money and to confirm my balance, I noticed my balance did not correspond with what I thought I had in my account, and I was told somebody cashed some amount of money from my account. I confirmed who it was, and they gave me the name of the person, who turned out to be my woman.

When I called her to know why she went to the bank without informing me, she said she did it because I refused to give her a certain amount she asked for. I was shocked by her act and asked if I had ever refused her anything? She replied in the negative. Angrily I gave her an ultimatum to return the money to the bank or end the relationship.

Agatha, my fear now is, what happens after we get married and I either cannot give her the money or deny her of a request for some reasons or the other? Would she not go into prostitution or go about begging people? And what happens if she does something and I raise any eyebrows at her conduct would she not give me the same reason she gave me for withdrawing money from my account without telling me?

Agatha, this is a desperate call from a disturbed heart, please tell me what to do as soon as possible.

DOD.

Dear DOD,

I would start by apologising for not treating your first letter. The reason could be the request that I send the reply through your email. I try to discourage the practice since it is inimical to the objective of this page. All the same, I am sorry. You have every right to be apprehensive and disappointed at the conduct of your girlfriend. Doubtless, she betrayed your trust and love. What she did falls short of a decent behaviour. 

The ideal thing would have been to wait or call you to explain the urgency attached to the money she requested for. To have gone to the bank to cash the money without telling you and allowing you to find out the way you did is not too tidy and certainly does not speak well of her.

She certainly betrayed the trust you have in her by giving her a blank cheque. Not many men would do what you did for her, not even for their wives. 

I understand your disappointment and apprehension for the future. A lot of men would have terminated the relationship there and then. That you still gave her an option to return the money shows that she affects you positively in other ways. It also shows a man who is in love and responsible.

Since mistakes are fundamental and integral part of our learning processes, sit her down to explain your disappointment and how she has through her conduct cast doubts on her integrity and your planned future together. Be bold enough to tell her that it would be difficult for you to ever trust her with money or related matters again. That if in two months of entrusting her with your bank account, she did what she did, what would happen if you had travelled out of the country and given her same concession.

If you still desire a future with her, be brutally frank and open with her. Don’t try to pretend all is well when in actual fact you are more than hurt and pained at her conduct. It is important you trash this issue out before moving from this point because if you allow any remnant of it to linger in the relationship, it would grow to become a monster that would destroy whatever it is that you both are planning for the future.

To totally condemn her based on this one mistake may also not be right, no matter how despicable her behaviour is, if God gives us opportunities to reform and change when we fall short of His glory and expectations, it follows that we should demonstrate the same magnanimity towards our fellow human beings. Nobody can claim to be perfect. Besides, building a perfect relationship does not happen over night.

To convince yourself she is not after your money, withdraw the privilege for now and don’t honour all financial demands for now. If you feel her demands are genuine, ask her to open an account where you can transfer money to her from your bank. Her conduct there after should give you a good idea of your place in her life and tell you whether to continue with her or not.

Most importantly, commit your relationship to God through prayers. If she is yours, you both would overcome this but if she isn’t, God would in His mercy bring your way a woman who would make you happy.

Good luck.

I’ll Soon Leave My Wife And Children

Dear Agatha,

I just want to say you are really doing a great job through your words of wisdom.

Please, I need your advice on what to do about the situation in my home. I have been married for about eight years now. I am in my mid 30s while my wife is in her early 30s.

Unfortunately, my wife still behaves as if she doesn’t know the responsibilities that come with being married. Her idea of being married is to issue frequent queries to me, get into unnecessary arguments with me or nag me at every opportunity. Whenever she does any form of housework, she becomes combative. Even though I am always at a loss as to why she picks up a fight whenever she does the housework, to avoid problems I assist her tend to the children, keep the house clean and all the other housework but sadly nothing pleases her. She nags and complains.

Agatha, many a time, I have felt like running away from my home and marriage which is blessed with two wonderful children who are seven and four years.

Please, what can I do because I am almost at the end of my sanity and would soon erupt if the situation persists in my home? At this stage, I really don’t care what becomes of the marriage any more.

Ernest.

Dear Ernest,

I understand the emotional trauma of having a bad home but that is not enough reason for you to want to pack up your marriage. Show me a marriage that is 100 per cent free of stress and I would show you a liar. There is no marriage without its fair share of problems and compromises. A lot of those marriages we think are perfect have gone through very tough baptism of fire. Divorce is not always the first option or solution to matrimonial problems rather it compounds the problem, which keeps expanding as the children get older and wiser.

What you think is a problem may after all not be as difficult as it appears. Just concentrate on those grey areas and also learn to be a little bit firm. Household chores fall under the portfolio of the woman of the house. It is her duties to keep her home clean, care for the children and you. It isn’t your duty. Yours is to ensure the bills are paid as and when due, be the shoulder for all of them to lean on in good times and in bad times, spend time with the family and give them all the love they need.

Helping her with the housework is because you want to, not because you have to. It is an abnormality for the woman of the house to sit down and watch her man do the house chores. It is wrong.

Sit her down and explain all these to her without getting angry. This is no time to be bossy or to show unnecessary anger. Compromises can only work if the two people in a marriage are willing to invest in it. Where only one person makes all the effort, the union becomes endangered because the party would get tired. Granted, her behaviour leaves much to be desired. You are also not being fair to your marriage and yourself by doing all those things simply because your wife nags. By so doing, you are denying her of the chance to be responsible, allowing her to set the wrong values for your children.

And one of the dangers of such actions is what you are feeling now. You have boxed yourself into a very precarious situation, you feel like packing it up because you can no longer continue with the pattern you have established in your home. If the truth must be told, you encouraged the behaviour of your wife.

To get out of it, call her for a serious re-evaluation of the situation in your home. Be very honest about your feelings as this is no time to pretend you are happy with the situation when in actual fact you feel like putting as much distance between the two of you as possible. Start by explaining to her what you expect of her as a wife and mother and what is expected of you as a husband and father. Continue by sharing your innermost feelings and fears with her. Don’t hold anything back from her.

Doubtless, the part about you wanting to runaway from home would shock her into reality. No sane woman takes pride in a broken home. There are underlying factors influencing her mode of behaviour. The dialogue would help you find out and address them permanently.

Don’t also forget to invite God into your home. Even though you are the physical head, He is the spiritual head of the family so take your marriage to the only one that has the powers to make perfect imperfect situations.

Good luck.

My Husband Frustrates, Cheats On Me

Dear Agatha,

I am married with a child. My marriage is two years old. Frankly speaking, I am not finding this marriage easy or interesting. Recently, my husband introduced a lady to me as his village sister because both of them are from the same neighborhood.  

I didn’t know they were dating until the day God exposed them. I know he has been cheating on me but decided for peace sake to look the other way, but this one is just too much for me to bear. I am finding it very difficult to forget. Please help me.

Vanessa.

Dear Vanessa,

The worst thing that can happen to any marriage is unfaithfulness. It creates incurable injury in the relationship between the couple. It brings about doubts, low esteem on the part of the person being cheated on, destroys trust as well as generates a deep valley of pains and sense of acute betrayal.

However, the alternative choice is often not an easy one especially for the woman. To quit is to give the stranger in the marriage the opportunity of coming in to be the bona-fide occupant of a home in which she was previously a stranger.

The reluctance of the society to support a woman to quit her home comes from the knowledge that extra-martial affairs is common with most men and quitting one marriage as a result of it is one of the most unwise things for any woman to do.

The reality many women face in their marriages is that of the other woman.  Whether women like it or not, acknowledge it or not, in most marriages, there is always the other woman. A woman practically knows when to push and when to simply keep quiet and allow the natural sequence of life take its course.

Doubtless, this man has been very unfair to you but quitting has never been an option at all. Should you quit now, a time would come again when you feel the urge to be with a man and settle down into another companionship. What happens if that man turns out to be another womaniser, heart breaker? Would you also quit to try with another person? 

Life at every point we find ourselves, is a process of choices as well as sacrifices. More than any other institution in the world, marriage demands the greatest sacrifice as well as determination. It begins with so much hope but holds the worst pains, disappointments and sacrifices. Only a fool sees marriage as a jolly train ride. For any marriage to breathe a sigh of relief and point others at how to go and avoid the slippery path, it must have gone through its own challenges. This is the stage for you to build character into your relationship, giving the skeleton flesh and recognisable features that will make your story telling and counsel to others going through similar challenges worth listening to.

Marriage is about patience, selflessness, tolerance and a firm determination to make it work at all cost. Betrayal or not, he remains your husband, one you have to learn to tolerate. He has become your albatross; one you must employ wisdom and grace of God to live with. You both grew up as two separate entities before becoming an item. Your moral and social attitudes are different and for both of you to achieve your reason for being together, a lot of wisdom and friendship must be invested to insure your relationship with your husband.

Therefore, refusing to let go of the memories will only keep increasing your anger and pains of betrayal. Granted he lied to you about the lady being his village sister, is frustrating yourself the right panacea to the issue at hand?

Don’t allow whatever the motive of both your husband and this lady for lying to you affect your relationship with your husband and reason for deciding to marry him in the first place. You must have recognised something special in him that made you decide on him from the number of men that asked for your hand in a relationship. 

Certainly, his conduct falls short of what is expected from a loved one but the best way to fight an aggressive opponent especially in marriage is for the woman of the house to be calm and calculative. 

You have to be calm to get your husband to listen to your complaints and hurt. One thing is for your husband to see your anger; it is another thing for him to feel your pains and disappointment. Being calculative makes it possible for you to know when he isn’t in the mood to be receptive to your discussions or query about the nature of his relationship with his so-called village sister. 

Truly, this is where you have to take stock, consider the future of your child as well as your reasons for marrying this man. You didn’t marry him because you were forced into it, but because he held something special for you. Don’t allow any other woman take away your dreams from you without struggling to fight for what is yours. This man is yours, licensed, sealed and delivered to you by the laws of God and man. Don’t let pride ever get in the way of ensuring you don’t lose your license to another woman. Only a woman who isn’t sure of what she is doing with her man gives up her home without putting up a fight to protect her space.

No matter how much you are hurting, set it aside and ask yourself what your own faults are as a woman. Why and when did he become a womaniser? When did it graduate from an off thing to habitual? Has it to do with your attitude towards him, the quality of your image, housekeeping, care of him as your husband? How much time and respect do you have for him? What kind of interest do you show in his work, business and person? Beyond being your husband, is he your friend? Are you both able to laugh with or at each other? Do you take any interest in his interests, friends and other things that make him happy? Marriage isn’t just about both of you sleeping together and making babies. There is more to it. It is a meeting of the body, spirit and soul. It is trying to live in the body of the other person. 

To make this marriage work, you must teach him how to love and respect you first as a person and later as his wife. Integrity and respect insure marriage from the devastation that comes from the process of two different people trying to make a life together. 

Over time, you would come to have the understanding to manage this traditional problem in most marriages. By the time you come to understand what you want from life and this marriage, believe me, these other women won’t matter as much as they bother you now. Not even the current threat presented by his so-called village sister would frighten you as much as it does now. 

Silence is what you need most now, because with the kind of emotions going on inside you, you risk rocking the fragile chord of your marriage by confronting him now. What he needs to bring him back home is to present him with a better alternative to what these other women give him.

Look at his other women; put yourself in the position of his mistress. As his mistress, what would you do to wrestle power from the hands of these other women? In addition to using your body, use your money and knowledge of him as the man you have lived with for two years to get him back. Because those women don’t have the stake you have in his life, don’t expend energy fighting them or him. That will only divert you from what you have to do. Also don’t listen to friends who may want to discourage you from adopting humility as a weapon.

In war, anything is considered fair. So, get books that deal with love-making and improved relationship. Read them; apply your new knowledge on him. Woo him with gifts, well-cooked food and sexy cloths. Make him jealous with a new haircut and clothes. Listen to his criticism of you and turn it around as your strong point.

Above all, pray away these women rather than fight them physically. God has his heart in his hands and he can effortlessly make these women become irritable to him. All you have to do is learn to trust God and let him reign over your home.

Don’t expect this to be easy; but by the time he comes to realise that despite all he is doing with other women you are still very patient and caring for him, he would eventually come back to you. Whereas, fighting him would only drive him further away from you. Patience builds, while pride destroys.

Be careful to do the right thing for your child and marriage.

Good luck.

I’m Fed Up With Boys

Dear Agatha,

I am facing the greatest challenge of my life. I am 19 years of age and have a boyfriend who beats me so much while he still seeing his ex-girlfriend. What baffles me is his claim that he loves me. Because of the way he is treating me, I decided to pack up the relationship. 

During this time, I met another boy who also claims to be in love with me. Unfortunately, I discovered along the line that all the stories he told me about himself were nothing but lies. I have made up my mind to quit the relationship. Meanwhile, my ex-boyfriend is pleading with me to come back and give him a second chance. I am fed up with boys. I don’t know what to do.

Sandra 

Dear Sandra,

Sincerely, you don’t need this kind of experience at your age. You have too much going for you to allow any man at this stage in your life turn you into a punching bag.

If you begin your life enduring abusive relationship, what would you do when you are older and married? No matter how irritating women get, no man has the right to beat them because of the love they share.

Frankly speaking, this isn’t the kind of man you need in your life. At 19, you need a man to love, appreciate, understand and support you to build confidence in yourself. In a situation where you are already being subjected to violence in your relationship, you unwittingly expose yourself to the danger of an unbalanced emotional relationship. 

But that is also not to say that you may not be guilty of encouraging this violence in this relationship. To be very candid, not many men have what it takes to withstand the violent nature of the tongue of most women. If violence has become the hallmark of your relationship with this man, he alone cannot take the blame. You must, for the sake of posterity, check on your own attitude, character, disposition to him and relationship as well as your conduct with other people, especially men. 

Just as it takes two to tangle, so also it takes two to destroy something very special. Granted that he presents himself as less than a man by beating you, it is in your interest to also be truthful to yourself if you intend to go far with another man. It is always easier for us to shift all the blame to another person, conveniently ignoring our own contributions to the situation we find ourselves in. 

What makes him beat you and when does he do that? What are the situations between the two of you that give birth to this violence? If you are in the habit of hauling insults at him, disrespecting him at will, ignoring his dislikes and pretending you only has the wisdom to conduct this relationship, there is bound to be conflict and a man who has the propensity towards violence would find himself beating you even before he has the time to think out his actions properly.

To help prevent a re-occurrence of this ugly incident in your future relationship, it is pertinent and in your interest too, to take a holistic view of this relationship. It is the only way you can do what is right; see your own faults and delete those things in your life that will not agree with most men. This will also help you to decide whether ••the cause of his violence is from you or not, just as it would also enable you decide whether you should consider taking him back.

And if you do decide you want to go back, it is also important both of you sit to discuss your welfare in this relationship. Like I said, a real man doesn’t go about beating his woman. A man can still assert his authority in a relationship, put his woman under check by merely looking at her without even saying anything. It all depends on the level of maturity of the man and how much respect he has earned from the woman.

Use the opportunity of his coming back to beg you to put some sanity into the relationship. If you love him enough, forgive him, but be wise in ensuring you don’t go back to the same situation. 

If you must, don’t rush into it. Insist on being friends first, something you obviously didn’t insist on before now. If you are both friends first before being lovers, relegating sex to the background and erecting all the right structures that make relationship absolutely rich and interesting, violence will eventually be relegated to the background. 

As a woman you must learn to be patient, supportive and understanding in any relationship.

As for the second man, you didn’t give yourself enough time to know him, recover from the pains of your previous relationship before rushing into it. 

Generally, you must have a clear idea of the kind of man that would make you very happy before contemplating any relationship. You are obviously having all these problems because you lack a vision for your life.

Having a master plan for your life would go a long way in helping you to build your love life along positive lines. To do it right, ask God for help.

Good luck.

How Do I Keep Our Relationship Platonic?

Dear Agatha,
May the Lord bless you for the impact you are making on the lives of youths of this nation.

I am an avid reader of your column. Following the advice you gave to a 16-year-old girl like me not to have a boyfriend, I also decided to avoid having one. 
There is this male friend of mine who I am close to. We met through a mutual friend of ours at a traditional wedding ceremony we both attended. It has been six months now. I discover him to be very caring and a very good friend. He treats me as the sister he doesn’t have. He is single and he has never mentioned anything concerning relationship until now.
According to him, he has never had a girlfriend but hoping to have one some day. Recently, we were chatting on line and he confessed his feelings for me. I have not given him an answer yet. I want to decline but not in anyway that will hurt him or jeopardise our friendship because he is too emotional. Though, I have feelings for him, I can control them.
Please Agatha, how do I tell and make him understand that I am not ready for a relationship yet? Please I need your candid advice.
Mellanie.

Dear Mellanie, 

If this man loves you, then he should wait for you to mature and ready to settle into a relationship. At 16, you have too much on your plates in terms of getting education as well as learning about the ways of life. 

At your age, any mistake can effectively derail you. Besides, this is the best time for you to devote to your studies. If you miss this time, it will be very difficult for you to combine other things with your academic activities especially if what goes wrong involves you having to drop out of school to have a baby. Relationships and men never go out of fashion unlike others things that happen in life. 

Provided you are not rude to him and his friendship with you is wholesome, unselfish as well as understanding, he won’t feel offended by your stance. On the contrary, he would give you all the support you need to be what you want to be.

It is only a man who has an ulterior motive for being a friend to a woman that gets offended when she turns down his request for a deeper relationship.

Be very frank about it and learn to have confidence in the friendship you have built in the last six months. Without trust and confidence in your friends, there is always the tendency to fall into the wrong conclusions about them. 

Despite your resolve not to go into a relationship, there is no harm in having platonic friends. It is a way of building your confidence as well as trust in members of the opposite sex.

What will hurt him most is not in your telling him you are not interested in taking the friendship to the next level but shutting him out of your life on account of his interest in you. Your handling of this situation is one of the things you have to learn in life because he is the one of many men who will come to ask for your heart.

You will do well in your life to be practical, bold, truthful and clear-minded about your vision for yourself. This way, at every point, you will know what to say and do. Also, don’t ever stray from the presence of God. Good luck. 

I’ve Problem Introducing My Fiancée To My Parents

Dear Agatha,

I am a lady of 24 years, a student of Lagos State University, studying Banking and Finance and in my 400 level. I am in a relationship with a 30-year-old man, also a graduate of the same university.

He is an economist who is into business. We have been dating for two years. There was nothing definite about the relationship when we started but he recently asked me to marry him. 

I haven’t given him an answer because I am currently confused. This has to do with what we have been through together. Severally, we got close to ending the relationship but he elected to stay on against all odds. 

Sincerely this relationship wasn’t meant by either of us to be serious because we were both into other relationships. It naturally stood as a distraction for us both. I made him think my other relationship was in a bad shape while he also told me he wasn’t really in love with the lady he was engaged to.  After some months, I lied I had broken up the other relationship and that he was now the only one in my life. But this backfired when I got pregnant for the other guy while he was abroad. He found out about it and was very disappointed in me.

I had to put a huge distance between the two of us to sort myself out. Surprisingly, he kept calling and checking on me. I eventually aborted the pregnancy since I couldn’t keep it.  Despite this, he still found his way back to me but I didn’t believe in his love. I doubted his intentions as well as what he wanted from me.  

I just didn’t bother to create the right kind of impression about him in my family. My family got away with the impression that he was only out to exploit as well as take advantage of me. 

Despite all I did to discourage him, he stayed on, never taking advantage of me. He kept offering me support. He even went to the extent of advising me to stay off sex until my wedding night. 

I see him almost every day in the week and most times we are always alone but he never once attempted to force me into an uncompromising situation.

Because of the impression I created of him within my family circle, I now have difficulties taking him to my parents for proper introduction and telling them of his intentions to marry me. I am scared of telling them for fear of being turned down by my parents. I really do love and appreciate him now and wouldn’t want to lose him. 

I am almost through with my education. It’s a part-time programme. I will be finishing next year. I receive lectures only at weekends. He understands and he is ready to support and see me through. My fears still rest on my parents’ reactions.  I don’t know how to relate it to them. Please, I need you to help me analyse this.

Worried Girl.

Dear Worried Girl, 

Your major concern now should be how to finish your education. In your final year, you need all the concentration to sail through. Once you are through, you can face the issue of who to marry. 

Given the delicate stage of your education, it would be more than you can handle if you have to battle your parents over accepting your boyfriend. Certain things are best left unsaid until there is enough time to properly tackle them. There is no way you can handle the reactions of your parents, as well as the attendant consequences of combining your disobeying them with your studies.

Besides, there are several ways of changing their minds without you saying anything. Even though you have made the mistake of colouring him in less than appealing shades before your parents, you still can do damage control by gradually exposing them to his character, his love for you as well as that special thing that has changed your opinion of him. 

Granted they may not be too willing to accept him whole-heartedly at the initial stage, if you prepare him properly, telling him what you previously told your parents about him and how that has since changed, he would develop the necessary patience to outwit your parents’ rejection of him. 

If you do your public relations well, things would eventually sort themselves out. To do this right, you need help from within the family. Enlist the support of your favorite sibling; tell him or her everything you have shared with me. This sibling will join you in marketing the qualities of your boyfriend to your family. 

Over time, with the support of this sibling as well as your own efforts, your parents would begin to see another side of him. By the time you are ready to introduce him officially, they will be more than ready to accept him. 

This has also taught you an important lesson in life: to be careful of what you say about people around you. Rushed impression about people you are just meeting, often turn out to be wrong. Until you are exposed to the character of a person over time, it is difficult to form a firm impression. If you hadn’t given your family a wrong impression about this man, you won’t be struggling to re-brand him now that you know he isn’t the kind of person you thought.

Furthermore, learn to pray to God as often as you can because at the end of the day, that is where your real help is. Learn to trust him implicitly.

Good luck. 

Pastor Predicts Disappointment

Dear Agatha, 

Thank God for your life on how he has been helping you to provide solution to people’s problem both physically and spiritually. God bless you.
There is this girl I met a year ago, who was then in the habit of coming to my place to do online registration as well as check her result. I have known her for a while but started developing interest in her about a year ago. I immediately made my intentions known to her. Initially she declined but later accepted when I helped her gain admission into a tertiary institution. We later agreed to marry each other.

Because she stays in the hostel, she comes to spend weekends or holidays at my place.
Problem started when I travelled to collect my SSCE original result. I showed my mother and sister the picture I took with her. They admired her but my mother told me she has to pray over it and I gave her the go ahead.
Last week, my mother called me and told me that her pastor told her that the girl would later disappoint me. I told my friends and they said I should try and ask the girl if she really loves me and will not later disappoint me. 

I took to my friends’ counsel and called her to question her on her feelings for me. She assured me nothing would ever come between us. It was as if she knew what I had in mind. 
Before she met me, someone had broken her heart and she made a vow never to trust any man again. 

Following the extent of her disappointment, she had actually made up her mind to become a nun. She later confessed not knowing what made her agree to a relationship with me. I promised never to break her heart and from her disposition to me, I have succeeded in restoring her faith in love and relationship.
Agatha, please what shall I do? I didn’t tell the poor girl what is going on. I love this girl and she loves me too.  

She told me she loves me with her whole heart. She confessed that she almost killed herself when the other guy disappointed her. I haven’t told my parents what my decision concerning my relationship with this girl is despite the fact that they have been flashing me. 

My two elder sisters were also told similar things when they brought their proposed partners home but they both went ahead to marry these men and are today living happily with these men. Their decision to ignore my parents led to a division within the family. I have been the one trying to unite the family to no avail. Now, the same thing is happening to me. I can’t leave this girl because I have promised not to disappoint her.
Agatha, what do I do? Should I stand by the prophecy? Left to me, I don’t believe in it. Please, I need your advice.
Stid.

Dear Stid, 

Be clear about one thing: do you love her? Are you sure what you both feel is real and can withstand the test of time? To make a promise is one thing; to be sure of the reason for which you are making the promise is another matter. 

Pastors and people with spiritual powers will always have something to say but the bottom line is what God has to say on the matter. Most times, when such predictions come, it is meant for us to seek the face of God personally on the issue for which we seek spiritual guidance. 

Many prophecies are warning signals for us to pray more and get God involved in our decisions especially on the issue of a life partner. Rather than get agitated over what the pastor said or didn’t say, you go to God in prayers. If you have never prayed or committed your ways to God, this is the time for you to do so. 

From experience, God never hides his ways and wishes from his own. If it is true that this girl and you aren’t meant to be an item, he will tell you so himself and if it is something he wants you to continue with, he will point out what you should do. 

It is important you both seek the face of God because life is laced in mysteries which we have no control over or understanding of. 

You may both agree to spend the rest of your lives together but there are situations in life that could work against one’s plans and desires. This is because everything in life revolves round humans and therefore subject to the imperfect nature of our beings. 

Even when a relationship has all the spiritual support to succeed, little bumps can still torpedo it if those involved are careless spiritually. Rather than fight your parents over this and further tear the family apart, go first to God in prayers and fasting. Once you have him on your side, he knows how to go about the situation without breaking the family up.

Good luck.