I’ve Lost My Three-year-old Marriage To My Friend

Dear Agatha, 

My marriage is only three years and already I am outside my home while my childhood friend is openly romancing my husband and planning to take my place.

I feel so betrayed because the problem that has sent me out of my home was caused by advice from my so-called friend, who knows everything happening in my home. 

Shortly after I got married, I discovered that my husband wasn’t as active in bed as he used to be. When I asked him, he kept giving every kind of excuse; from being too tired to not liking sex that much. 

Because we were sexually active when we were still dating, I knew something wasn’t right so I told my friend who took me to a spiritualist. The spiritualist gave me certain water, oil and soap to use whenever I wanted him to sleep with me. He said it would break the spell cast on him by a former girlfriend out to frustrate our marriage. According to the spiritualist, the intention of the woman was to make sure I left in frustration so she could take over my home.

His condition didn’t improve rather, it became worse as he could not achieve an erection with me. While this was going on, other problems were beginning to manifest in the marriage. He became short fused and picked quarrels with me at the slightest excuse. 

Rather than follow the advice of my mother and another friend of ours, both who pleaded for understanding on my part, I instead followed that of my bosom friend, who not only insisted I gave him back measure for measure, but seek solace in the arms of my ex, who was pressuring me to have him back.

I should have been alarmed when he told me about the situation with my husband but it just didn’t occur to me to ask who told him. 

One thing led to another and I found myself sleeping with him again. The only person who knew about our resumed romance was my friend, who, pretending to be doing me a favour always offered her home for our use. 

I thought I had it all figured out, especially as my ex appeared to want me permanently in his life. Somehow, I became careless, as well as openly rude to my husband. I would be frank with you Agatha, because I need your help desperately. I called him half-man who was unable to satisfy his woman in bed. 

That really hurt him. He simply took a few shirts and walked away from the house. Initially I was happy but got really worried when my friend who prompted me to end it all refused to pick my calls after narrating what happened between my husband and I. 

My worries increased because nobody could tell of my husband’s whereabouts. When I went to ask after him in his place of work, I was told he had been sacked two months earlier. I felt like a fool; his parents didn’t have a clue where he was, not even his best friends. 

In between looking for him, I discovered I was pregnant. I told my ex who was responsible but he told me in very clear terms that he wasn’t interested in marrying me and that he wasn’t sure if he was responsible for my pregnancy.

After being to my friend’s house severally and not finding her, I didn’t know what to do so I decided to abort the pregnancy. 

It was three months after the incident that someone whispered to me that they saw my husband and my friend together. I was excited and decided to go to my friend’s house to find out where she had been and ask the whereabouts of my husband. 

Agatha, the scene I met almost killed me as I met my friend on my husband’s laps cuddling him.

Right in the presence of my husband, she told him about my visit to the spiritualist to render him impotent so I can go back to my ex. 

The whole thing has turned out to be a fine mess, one that has made my parents refuse to intervene on my behalf and my other friends abandon me.

I am currently without a family, home or friend. I feel betrayed and have learnt my lessons the hard way. I want my husband back but I don’t know how to go about it or tell him that my friend pushed me into what I did. 

Ronke.

Dear Ronke, 

You didn’t act at all like a woman who loves and respects her husband. You acted out of line. In the first place, why would you share such a personal thing about your husband with your friend? Why didn’t you encourage your husband to see his doctor or pastor? What did you expect a friend who doesn’t have the kind of experience you were passing through to get the knowledge from that will help you out of your predicament?

If your friend has taken over your husband it is because you unwisely handed her your husband, as well as give her the weapon to fight you. 

Why would you visit a spiritualist when you can join hands with your husband to pray the problem out of his life? Did you in the first place find out if his sexual performance had anything to do with a problem he was passing through in the office? There is no way a man who has the challenges would have the presence of mind to have quality sex with his wife. If you were perceptive, you would have known something was on his mind, especially as he didn’t have the problem before. 

Even if you were naïve about the spiritual solution prescribed by your friend, were you also without knowledge of the meaning of infidelity? One of the major codes of marriage is endurance, for better for worse. How would you have felt if you were the one having problems and your husband’s solution was to date another woman? No matter what the influence of your friend was, the choice to sleep with your ex was yours to make. Admit you went into the relationship because you wanted to and not because your friend encouraged you to. Allowing yourself to get pregnant is evidence of that. Had he not rejected you and the pregnancy, would you have considered looking for this husband of yours? Be honest, would it not have been good riddance to bad rubbish? You decided to look for him because you were left with no choice and not out of remorse, which is what counts most at this critical stage of your marriage.

Frankly, if you had respect for your husband and marriage, you wouldn’t have done what you did.

Before you can talk of fighting to get him back, there is the need for you to critique what you feel for this man to avoid you hurting him more than you have already done. Do you want him back because you know you love him or want him because he is with your friend and that you have no place to go from here?

If you love him, be prepared to fight so you can get him back. This time it has to be on his terms. But first you have to get him to listen to you and you can only do this by first going to God to make peace. When a marriage is going through this severe crisis, you need the help and presence of God to heal it. You have not only hurt this man but you have humiliated him and it would take only the grace of God to make him forgive you. 

Plead with your parents; yes, they are angry but they would have to help you to beg eventually. Enlist the help of people he can’t ignore. It may take quite a while but if you are determined to go back to your man; the patience you lacked at the beginning is what you must learn to imbibe now. 

Good luck.

I Gave Birth To A Baby For My Boss In My Hubby’s House

Dear Agatha, 

Please, I am very desperate and need your help urgently. I am in the worst kind of situations and don’t know how to go about it without losing everything as well as the support of the one person who matters the most to me. 

Sometime last year, March to be précised, I found myself in a very uncompromising situation with my boss. One thing led to another and we ended up making love right there in his office.

Before my husband-to-be came on the scene, my boss and I were having an affair but stopped when I met my fiancé. To be very honest with you Agatha, if not for the fact that my boss was married with two children, we would have got married. Our feelings for each other runs very deep, a fact a lot his friends and mine are very much aware of. 

I decided to marry my fiancé when I realised age wasn’t on my side. Difficult as the decision was, we both agreed it was the best. The mistake I made was in not disengaging from my employment. 

But even if I wanted to, I needed the money to care for my family. My father was doing his best but it wasn’t just enough as my mother is one of those women who is hopeless at doing anything. She is one of those women satisfied with being a complete housewife.

Being the first of six children, I had no choice but to work to support my father who happens to be passionate about his children. Therefore, the money I was paid was very important not just for me but my entire family.

Because of the difficulties at home, I had done one or two things I am not proud of. Then I didn’t care about what people thought of me. I felt they had no right to judge me since they weren’t going through the things I was experiencing at home. 

My father could enforce discipline as he would have loved to because not only was he always busy trying to make ends meet, the money I was bringing was also helping to reduce pressure on him, hence I grew a little too wild for my own good.

However, all that changed when my boss came into my life. He ensured I lacked nothing, hence I had no excuse to date several men at a time. He also gave me a huge some to settle my family in a good place and to open a shop close to the house where we sell foodstuff. My immediate younger brother manages that place in addition to going to school. 

And when my fiancé almost refused to marry me because of my past, it was him who also came to my rescue. He told my boyfriend that what he heard were lies and also denied my ever being his girlfriend. To my fiancé, he is a family friend.

It was this sense of deep appreciation for the man who has done so much for me that made me sleep with him for the last time, a week to my wedding. 

That same day I slept with fiancé. I didn’t think anything of it when I discovered I was pregnant or delivered my baby.

I also didn’t notice the baby’s striking semblance to my boss until my mother called me aside to ask whose baby my son is. I was very angry with her that I tongue lashed her. She didn’t say anything but told me quietly to make sure I kept the baby away from my boss.

My baby was a year old by December. My boss and his family were away on holidays. He, however, came with his eldest son to see us recently to wish the baby a happy birthday. When his son saw my baby, he commented on the semblance of the baby with his father and himself. Indeed when I looked at all three, there was no doubting the fact. 

My mother-in-law who was present, heard and observed the whole incident must have told my husband whose attitude has not only changed towards me but also avoids carrying the baby. And last week, my worst fear was confirmed when he told me we would all be going to the hospital for some tests but providence intervened as he was called to go on a training programme outside the country for a month. Since leaving two days ago, he hasn’t called me expect to inform me through his mother that he got there safely.

Agatha, please help me because I didn’t deliberately foist this baby on him. There was no way I would have taken such a risk, considering the kind of challenges I passed through to get to this stage with him. 

What should I do? Tell him about what happened? Would he ever forgive me of lying to him about my relationship with my boss and would that not confirm I also lied about my past life? 

Worried Wife.

Dear Worried Wife, 

It is useless crying over spilled milk. The harm has been done. You cannot turn back the hands of the clock. Therefore, you must brace up for the consequences of your thoughtless actions. 

The confession of your past you refused to make before marrying your husband is what you are going to do now. Had you told him about your past life, this would have been easier for him to handle but getting pregnant for and having the baby of the man you presented as your family friend would make him wonder what other lies you have told him. 

Don’t allow him face the embarrassment of being told by the doctor that this baby isn’t his. By then it would be too late for him to believe that you didn’t know about the paternity of the baby. Nothing would ever make him forgive you the offence of passing another man’s pregnancy off as his. 

Even if his love is deep and sufficient enough for him to forgive you and accept the child as his, what about his mother? If she gets to know from the hospital that the baby isn’t her son’s, would she be able to forgive you as well? 

Whatever the consequences that would follow your telling him the truth, please do not hesitate to tell him immediately he gets back from his course. You are already down, so why fear a fall?

Understandably, he would be devastated like you would be too if you were the one at the receiving end. Hearing your confession, fears as well as shame might make him have a change of mind in your favour. 

At this critical stage there is nothing more to hide. Tell him the story of your life page by page, holding nothing back from him. Equip him with your personal data to make up his mind about you and if necessary, the space to properly think and make an objective choice. 

Since the life of an innocent child is involved, you must help provide him alternatives. For instance, even if he is going to adopt the child as his, what about the biological father of the child? Is he aware that the baby is his? From your interactions with him, is he the kind that would some day in future damn all consequences and demand for his child? Does he love you enough to let the past be?

I ask these questions because whatever you and your husband decide to do would depend on his proposed line of action. For some men, when it comes to the issue of their children, they are very definite. 

Even though you would at the end of the day suffer the most from the decisions the two men make, don’t interfere in this at all. Always put the interest of that child first because at the end of the day, that boy maybe all that you have left. 

So, do what is right for all of you by also going to your boss to tell him of your suspicions about the paternity of the boy. Let him understand that your telling him is merely to inform him and not intended to cause problems in his home or yours. Assure him that even if your husband decides to end the marriage, you will still not bother him about up keep of the baby. This is important because he too may think you deliberately got pregnant for him to ensure you keep getting money from him later in life.

So, be careful what you do today. Learn from your past, that some issues have a way of showing up when least expected. 

While you wait for him to come back, turn to God by first confessing your sins and begging him through prayers to grant you the wisdom and favour to sail through this with the most minimal emotional injuries.

Good luck.

My Boyfriend Complains About My Tribe, Height

Dear Agatha,

I thank God Almighty for your life and pray he continues to increase your wisdom. May you be watered as you water God’s people. 

I have been in a relationship with a Christian brother for almost a year now. He asked me to marry him from the onset and I conceded after a few months. The relationship, to a great extent, has not really been fun-filled and fulfilling as I expected.

Along the line, he told me his parent and siblings have expressed reservations for his choice of a life partner. I am an Igbo, while he is an Edo man. When we went to visit his people, they actually acted out their disapproval.

This isn’t the only challenge the relationship is facing. He is also having issues with my height. I am of an average height and he is not really on the tall side. One of his complaints is that he doesn’t want to have children who are would not be tall. 

Right now the whole thing is hanging but he doesn’t appear to want to break up the relationship. I’ve not walked out because most things about him seem like prayers answered to me. 

What do I do? Do I tell him off or just watch him do what he wants to do? I have just two weeks, starting from today, to take a decision.

Please, I really count on your advice. 

Mabella.

Dear Mabella, 

This is something you and your boyfriend must sit to discuss as frankly as possible. There is nothing anybody can do for both of you if either of you lacks the conviction that you both have to invest a great deal in making the relationship work. 

Sincerely, the issues he is playing up are really nothing in a relationship in which love reigns supreme. Your tribe and height are becoming issues because he isn’t certain about his feelings for you or what he wants from life. 

And if you intend to have a quality relationship with him, you have to help him face himself and the choices before him. If you insist on staying in this relationship out of sentiments, chances are you may never have the peace and happiness you crave for in life. Therefore, you must encourage him to take an introspective look at himself, his dreams in life as well as the kind of woman he thinks would help him to achieve them. Also, make him face the truth about his feelings for you. 

Ignore whatever you wish should happen now between the two of you and concentrate instead on what kind of life you would both have in future if you fail to take a decisive step now.

From experience, I know the fear, the pains already gathering inside you - the fear of losing someone you think you cannot do without. Again from that page of experience, I tell you that you cannot force something you don’t really have to be yours. If God meant this guy to be yours, it would not matter what his family says. 

But you have to learn to depend more on God and the signs he uses in communicating his wishes and ways to you. If this boyfriend of yours cannot convince his family that there is more to you than the place you come from or your height, then something is fundamentally wrong somewhere.  If he too is of average height and he is complaining about your height, do you think such a man would ever have the peace of mind to make you happy? Something has to come from deep within him to offer you a shoulder to depend on at all times. 

If he is unable to reconcile with your tribe and height now that you are dating, it portends an ominous sign that your relationship lacks the right kind of foundation it needs to be reliable and dependable in future. 

Let him be bold enough to specify his needs and desires. For instance, he should be able to tell you specifically what kind of woman he is looking for and whether you fit into his mental picture of such a woman. If you don’t fit into his image, let him tell you your areas of deficiency, and how you can both help each other refine those areas of objection. As long as true love exists between the two of you, everything that looks like a problem can be sorted out amicably. 

Whether you can stay with him or not, would depend largely on the conclusions you both arrive at as well as the honesty and understanding of the issues involved in your relationship. If you both agree to have the patience for the problem to expire, you can stay because every relationship has its challenges; but if he is adamant, then there is little you can do; you can then move on with your life. And by God’s grace, someone who will take pride in your height and tribe would come your way. 

Your present boyfriend may be your Mr. Right, but if he doesn’t consider you to be his, there is nothing you can do about it.

Good luck.  

My Pastor Husband Marries Second Wife

Dear Agatha,

I am a woman in deep pains and in the midst of the greatest embarrassment of my life. My husband is the pastor and general overseer of our church. Since he founded this church, he has been doing very well until he met this lady who joined the church. She works with an oil company while I teach. 

She has a lot of money to spend and before I knew what was happening she and my husband had become very close and a pair. Soon, people began to talk about them but I ignored them all, insisting that they were working towards the growth of the church.

When their relationship became very noticeable, I called my husband to intimate him with what people were saying about them but he told me not to worry, that the people were only jealous and that as a man of God he had a responsibility to all the sheep God directs his way.

The lady soon started buying him clothes. She even bought him a car. Gifts like these from members are not strange but this was different. She excluded the children and I from such benevolence and made sure that when it was time for me to address the women, she took the centre stage with, of course, the active support of my husband. 

Many of the women in the church could not understand what was happening. Some asked what her status in the church was; others gossiped about it. As a true Christian and mother of the church, I didn’t quarrel so as not to lay a bad example for other couples who looked up to me for solutions to their marital problems.

At home, my husband continued to deny any special affection for her. He kept insisting that she was close to him because of her role in the church. To underscore his point, he pointed out a number of women and men who were similarly close to him based on their roles in the church.

One day, she came home with him to announce that she was packing in as his second wife, and that they had done the traditional and court weddings. A copy of the marriage certificate was shown me to prove their seriousness. It was the saddest day of my life. If I thought the matter would end up like that I was wrong. The following Sunday at the service, she took her place on the altar as the wife of the general overseer. The children and I attended service as ordinary members. My shame was complete. 

The church immediately split into two. The women, especially the elderly ones queued behind me. A lot of the men were cautious. Only the very elderly ones showed open disapproval at what my husband had done. They tried to mediate but it was late as she was already pregnant.

Some members who couldn’t take it left the church but a lot stayed behind to watch the unfolding drama.

Now that she has given birth, my husband has threatened to throw me out. The woman and her people are threatening me with death if I don’t pack out. My husband doesn’t care about me anymore. His new wife has used her money to buy my husband and some prominent numbers of the church over. She gives out free clothes, shoes and bags to the youths in the church, and to families she suspects to be having problems, she gives financial aid.

I really don’t care but the genuine members are urging me to quit for the sake of my children. They are afraid that my husband is under a powerful spell and could hurt me before he comes to his senses.

Agatha, this is my dilemma. Do you think I should pack out of the house? I am deeply afraid for my life and those of my children. Each night, I wake up from terrible nightmare of a woman chasing me around with all sorts of charms and masquerades. It is not easy for me Agatha. People are mocking me. I am left with no will to fight anymore.

Alaba 

Dear Alaba,

When the going gets very tough, only the toughest survives. God is closer and nearer you than you think. He is only a moment away. He deliberately allows us go through the valley of’ the shadow of death for a purpose. 

Never forget his promise to always protect us with his rod and staff during our sojourn in this valley of pains and rejection. He did not promise us life without pains, problems or sorrows; rather, what makes us victors is how we handle issues.

This battle isn’t yours to fight but his to win; so hand over the battle of your love, home and life to the only power equipped to deal with your situation. Terrible as the situation may appear, don’t despair. Instead, be persistent in your worship of him. 

There is no way you won’t smile at the end of this battle between good and bad if you truly hand it over to him. Trust me; if you can withstand this intense heat, you will come out very refined. Most times when God has a job for us to do in his vineyard, he deliberately allows us to go through some experiences that would end up becoming rich references in our ministry. Experience, as they say, is the best teacher. Later in future, when someone comes to you with this type of problem, having weathered the storm yourself, you would use your experiences to minister to such a person. If God allowed Jesus Christ to be humiliated, who are we not to be in the process of working for him?

Don’t pack out of that house. It may not exactly be a home to you now but it is your place. From experiences, it is not easy fighting from outside. You are the rightful owner of the house, not the other woman. She is in transit in  your home and when it is time, she would pack and leave for her own final destination. The Bible is in support of your rights and position in that house. Don’t give in to fright, blackmail or threats. 

Let millions of masquerades chase you in your sleep. As a child of God, he will always give you victory over them. Never get tired of’ pleading the blood of Jesus over you and the children - that is more than enough shield in the field of battle.

This is the time you need the will most to fight. Agreed things are really bad but this is no time to give up. If there is nobody giving you encouragement, give yourself one. Go to God in prayers and fasting, challenge him, handover the battle to him and sit back to watch how he does it. Hand the heart and life of your husband to God. He needs a lot of prayers for his life and ministry. 

This battle is not about him, rather, it is about crippling his ministry. It is a battle beyond him and he needs your understanding to prevail over the situation he has unwittingly roped himself into. Chances are that he does not even know what he is doing or is happening to him. You are the only one who can deliver him from this journey of destruction he has embarked on. The devil is not a fair fighter. 

He uses everything and anything to fight. So, rather than wallow in the sea of self-pity, organise prayer sessions for him and those who still believe in his calling.

Difficult and bitter as this pill is, don’t fight, don’t insult your husband and please continue to maintain a dignified silence over the matter. Even when people come with stories, assure them that God is in charge of’ the matter. This is the time when silence is said to be golden. Face your embarrassment with a respectable silence and smile.

This storm would blow over sooner than you think.

God bless you. I wish you the very best of luck.

We Are Of Same Age

Dear Agatha,

I got to know this girl through my younger sister. They both attended the same school. We gradually got talking and soon became good friends. I got to know her very well and wanted her for keeps then but since I was due to for the National Youth Service, I decided against asking her out. Besides, I have never subscribed to this “sowing of wild oats” thing.

Last year, I came to town and she was around (on holiday). So, I made my intention known to her. Though, she didn’t give a clear idea of her feelings in words, her actions showed she too felt the same way about me and ever since we’ve been in touch with each other. 

But, recently, it occurred to me that this lady is about the same age as me. 

Though, I have not talked this over with her, I intend to. However, whenever she is around me I usually get scared of bringing up the matter for discussion for fear of what her response might be.

I have related this matter to a few of my friends but they have not helped me in anyway with any positive solution other than that it is unwise and un-African to continue with her. I really would love to settle down with this lady, hence my questions and the need of your advice.

Considering the African society we belong to, would it be okay for me to go ahead with the relationship?

Are there likely to be social implications in such a relationship later in life?

Is it true that ladies age quicker than men? I need to clear these worries before I discuss with her. Thank you.

Ayo.

Dear Ayo,

Love is all that matters. When contemplating the choice of a life partner, age is the least thing that makes it work provided the age gap is not such that leaves a deep gap. Being of the same age with your woman is not a treasonable felony.

What ought to be of paramount interests to you is your feelings for her, how she feels about you and the depth of your feelings for each other.

Many a time, we end up with the wrong choices because things that ought not to matter are the things we play up, relegating to the backburner those things that at the end of the day determine our depth of happiness and peace.

There are many successful couples that are either of the same age or the women involved are slightly older.

Age is just a number, which should not be allowed to determine our state of happiness. Look beyond her age and look at how good a wife she would make, how much respect she accords you as the man in the relationship, her level of responsibility, her spirituality, her outlook generally to life and her temperament. 

Look at the interests you both share. Is she somebody you can rely on through the thick and thin? What sort of friend would she be when things are rough? Would she be very understanding as expected of a true friend and wife? 

Do you see her as a fair weather friend who is ready to run at the slightest hint of a problem? Does she possess those qualities that would make life with her enduring?

These are more important things than age. What if she is of the age you desire, but lacking in the qualities that would make you a happy man or give you peace when you desire it the most?

The only implication is if you go about with a banner around your neck, telling everybody that you and your woman are of same age and that you don’t feel comfortable about it. Beyond that, there is no implication whatsoever.

That theory that women age faster than men worked when women didn’t know how to care for themselves. A lot of women these days are looking years younger than their ages because they now appreciate the value of healthy living habits. Besides, that argument is faulty because you could marry a younger lady who ends up looking far older than her true age.

Seek the face of God before embarking on any relationship because he only sees the end from the beginning. 

Good luck.

My Friend Courts Her Now

Dear Agatha,

I appreciate the way you proffer solutions to problems brought to you. I really want to thank you profusely.

I am an 18-year-old man in love with a girl who is also deeply in love with me. I discover that all of a sudden she stopped visiting me. When I asked to know what happened, she refused to say any thing. I kept pleading to know what I had done wrong but all to no avail. I even went to the extent of pleading for forgiveness in case I did something to hurt her, but nothing worked.

I therefore decided to go through her friends to plead my case. It was at this point I discovered that the reason she stopped coming to see me was because she was dating a friend of mine.

So, I went to confront her, but she tried to cover it up but opened up when I told her what her friends told me. I am confused and desperately in need of your help on what to do next.

Andy. 

Dear Andy,

At 18, you are too young to have sleepless nights over love matters. If I am correct, this girl would be at least a year younger than you. At your ages, you both should put more efforts and time on insuring your future through sound education. Stop bothering yourself over this relationship. You need not give immense time to matters of the heart but limited time to position your life in the direction it would be of immense benefit to you and family.

When the right time comes, God would send that special lady that would treat you like her king and accord you all the respect you deserve as the man in her life.

Meanwhile have all the best of luck in your educational pursuit.

Age Differential Stands Against Our Marriage

Dear Agatha,

I am a 27-year-old man in love with a 36-year-old lady. We are so much in love. We don’t have any secret between us. This is about the 

best relationship I have had till now, but the problem is that a lot of people are complaining she is older than me or too old to be my wife.

I am really confused about the whole situation at the moment. Agatha, this is a woman that has done so much for me.

When I met her, she was dating a man, but agreed to drop him for me if I insisted she did. In fairness to her, she did. There was a night we were together when the man came to visit her, right in my presence she told the man to go because she had found someone whom she loved so much and wouldn’t want to hurt.

Since we started dating, I have no reason to regret having her in my life. She has made me very happy but the pressure now is on me to leave her. I don’t want to because she has shown me she really loves me. Can I go ahead to marry despite being older than me? Advise me on what to do.

Da Capone.

 Dear Da Capone,

The most important thing is what you both feel for each other and, not what people say.

If you love her, please go ahead and marry her. It is your life, your future and happiness that matter not the opinion of those who aren’t in your shoes, hence those who don’t know what you are feeling. 

If you are not bothered about the differences in ages, don’t mind what others think. Marriage is a companionship of the soul, spirit and body. Only very few people understand that there is more to marriage than the physical. As long as she gives you the respect you deserve as her man and you don’t feel embarrassed by the relationship, tell those people urging you to leave her that you know what you want and what you are doing. 

This is because, it is the nature of people to talk and try to impose their opinions on others. Besides, this woman is looking up to you to give her the right kind of leadership she needs to continue to entrust her life and body to you. The moment she senses you cannot be trusted to be your own person, she would lose whatever respect she currently has for you. Even if you end up deciding in her favour, it is always difficult for a man to regain the lost respect of the woman in his life. 

Marriage is a serious business that involves two souls that understand, appreciate and love each other. If you are able to manage your union, age is just another number, not a factor. The bedrock of any successful marriage is how differences are managed with minimal fall-out. At this critical stage in your life, your happiness as defined by you is what matters not what others think it should be.

Very importantly, commit your relationship to God. His involvement is what makes the most difference. 

Good luck

I Don’t Want A Joint Account With My Husband

Dear Agatha,

I just got married a few months ago and I am already having trouble with my husband over the issue of having a joint account. Before we got married we discussed the issue in passing but we didn’t agree on anything concrete. I have always had it in mind because of the problem my own parents and siblings had with it. The marriage of my parents suffered as a result of misunderstanding arising from having a joint account.

My mother felt betrayed when she discovered my father was using part of the money from the account to conduct his affairs.

She also discovered that while she kept faith my father kept defaulting. The furor it generated was such that my mother packed out of the house in anger. Though she came back after a while, the hurt and bitterness was too deep for her to forgive. She finally left when the mistress of my father came with a baby. My mother simply refused to be consoled she told everybody that cared to listen that her husband used her money from their joint account to finance the relationship that led to the conception and birth. She said her continued stay with my father and the boy would always remind her of her foolishness and betrayal by my father.

The story of my eldest sister is not different. Her husband used the opportunity of their having a joint account to be irresponsible. He not only refused to keep his side of the bargain but also ensured that my sister did. The month she refused to transfer the agreed amount, he would make the home very uncomfortable for her. She ended up using all her salary to feed, care and support his extra marital affairs. Like my mother when she couldn’t take it anymore she too left her marriage.

Flowing from the experiences of these two very close people to me, I developed a natural phobia and hatred for anything joint accountant.

That was the main reason I refused to have a conclusive discussion with my boyfriend when he brought up the matter during our relationship.

I have tried everything I know, including telling him about the experiences of my mother and sister to dissuade him from insisting on it but he said it is the only way to ensure we contribute fairly to the upkeep of the house, the same arguments my father and brother-in-law put up when they were tying to convince my mother and sister. He said it worked well for his parents and that since we love and trust each other, it would work.

Our opposing views are such that our three-month-old marriage is at risk. He is refusing to eat at home or sleep with me in our room. My mother is of the opinion I should not allow him bully me into doing something I don’t want to do and strongly cautioned against operating a joint account with any man, that I should learn from what happened to her and my sister. That my husband would also treat me the same way as my father and brother-in-law did.

Agatha, please tell me what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to operate a joint account with him. Why are men so bigheaded? Why must they always insist things are done their way? Why are they always out to cheat women? Why is he being so unreasonable over something that is not important at all?

Jibike.

Dear Jibike,

If it is not important why are you both quarreling over it? Why don’t you just give in to him if it is not important to you at all?

I am sure you would not have written me if it were not fundamental to your happiness and success of your marriage. And it is not true that men are arrogant, out to cheat women or bigheaded. It is wrong to make a general categorisation based on the experiences of a few.

A lot of women too are guilty of the same offences. What is important is how the individuals in a relationship overcome their differences.

One secret to a successful marriage is to appreciate that just as we are different in looks and character so are marriages. Not even identical twins have similar outlook to life.

Marriages work best if couples tailor it to fit into their character, view of life, as well as understanding of each other. When couples try to mould their marriages into the jackets of other people, then a problem occurs. Simply because your parents and sister failed to make a success of a particular thing does not automatically translate to you failing to make a success of it.

Your man and marriage are not the same as your parents or sister’s. You are different from them and so is your man. What you both need is an honest assessment of your feelings, intention and the amount of trust you both have and are willing to invest in the relationship. It is also the amount of faith you have in each other and are willing to give. You must have sufficient trust and faith in yourselves and marriage to make anything work.

Rather than dismiss the idea because of the experiences of those close to you, look at it, and see how you can make it work for you. You both can agree as a tentative start to use the joint account to keep your housekeeping money. We all know that given the harsh economic condition in the country, most men cannot adequately fend for their families alone. What he gives you and what you add can be put away in a joint account. It would go a long way in determining how you would manage trusts, as well as larger amounts. To totally dismiss your husband’s suggestion on the premise that it failed your mother and sister is not good enough. Remember, unlike your parents, it worked for his so he has a right to want to try it in his marriage.

I think the problem is not the joint account but your approach to it. If you had taken time to listen to him, reason with him and agreed to find a common ground to the issue, you won’t be going through this problem so early in your marriage.

Go to him and apologise. Once again, take time to explain the reason for your apprehension over the issue of the joint account. Tell him you are willing to give it a try to make him happy. I am sure with this olive branch from you, he would have a rethink. Always remember that marriage is all about compromises and selflessness. As a woman the sacrifices are more on your side. You just have to do everything to make it work.

In addition, you also have to invite God into your home and heart. You have to entrust your home absolutely to Him. With Him, you cannot go wrong.

And please limit the intervention of your family and his in your marriage. Granted, the experiences of your mother and sister did not end well, still your mother should have advised you to allow the will of God prevail. To have told you not to mind your husband is wrong and an attempt to transfer her hurt to you and into your marriage. Be careful you don’t invest your marriage with the viruses from other people’s problems. You are unwittingly towing the line of your parents’ marriage by refusing to give in to your husband’s suggestions.

When confused and in need of direction, go to God in prayer and fasting. In marriages where God is the head, the issue of joint account is a very simple one. A man who is by nature irresponsible will be, joint account or not. There are a lot of men who have betrayed their vows without operating joint accounts with their wives. Continue to pray to God to make your husband responsible in all ways. That is what is important, not the joint account.

Good luck.

I Love Her Dearly, But She Has Become Very Lukewarm

Dear Agatha.

I am 25 years old, and in love with a girl who is 22. To start with, I am one of those so much concerned with his future and place in history.

I have a determination to succeed and so refuse to accept anything that would short-change my plans. I invest all I make on myself. To avoid distractions, I made a vow during my secondary school days not to have anything to do with the opposite sex in terms of relationships.

As I grew older, I realised the futility of such a vow. So, I went into a relationship with a girl who ended up adding more stress to my life than I deserve. If she was not complaining about me not giving her enough attention, it would be over money or my responsibilities to her. When I couldn’t take any more of her complaints I ended the relationship.

I allowed myself a period of emotional reprieve before embarking on my second relationship. I was so much in love with this lady until I discovered her duplicity. She was concurrently having a relationship with me and another man. It was so painful; I had to terminate the relationship. 

Thereafter, I decided to suspend all relationships until I was more emotionally able to handle them with other aspects of my life.

About a year ago, a friend of mine met with this second girl and gave her my new number since I had stopped using the one she knew. She called me and we resumed the relationship again but not before trashing out the gray areas that led to the previous problems. She agreed to obey whatever conditions given her by me as a demonstration of her seriousness with me this time around. There is no denying that I love this lady - as each day went by the feelings ran deeper.

My current problem, however, started when she came back from school - she is a student of the Federal Polytechnic, Ilaro - and I offered to help her, as usual, with her courses. Being a student of accountancy as I, it wasn’t too difficult a thing for me to do. But on this particular day, there was this little note she had which I wanted to see but she refused. I was curious and asked why she didn’t want me to go through it. She didn’t say anything. Just as I made to grab the note from her in a joking manner, I noticed she was trying to hide a picture in the note from me. I didn’t bother to force the issue again but I was angry even though we later made it up.

But, I noticed that her attitude has changed a lot since then. Anytime I visit her at home, she would start acting funny and whenever I asked what the problem was, she would say nothing and if I insist, she would reply curtly, that the problem was hers, not mine, telling me to mind my business. She even went to the extent of telling me to stop fussing over her, and that she is not my responsibility.

Agatha, this has been going on for some time. I am hurting deep inside because I love her so much. Her attitude is taking a great toll on me. My mother noticed and begged me not to hurt myself, though I lied to her that it was my academic work that was telling on me.

Agatha, do you know the most annoying part of all these? I visited her in the school and spent three days with her. Not for once did her attitude thaw. She also did not bother to phone to know if I got to Lagos safely. She sold her home and has warned me not to disturb those she stays with by calling her. Unless she calls, I can’t get her. So, Agatha, what can I do? Do I quit the relationship? You are my last hope.

Henry.

Dear Henry.

It is obvious that you and this girl don’t feel the same way about each other any more. She doesn’t love you the way you do her and she can’t be more obvious about her feelings than she currently is. 

Rather than feel bad, I think you ought to be happy that she manifested these behaviours before the relationship went further than the point at which things turned sour.

Stop wasting your time with her and move on to other things. And don’t be bothered about the type of women you have got yourself involved with. Your experiences with them would help you later in life. It’s all part of growing up and becoming mature. In the not too distant future, you would meet that special woman that would love you just as deep as you do her.

However, to have that relationship that would make you happy, don’t allow love to blind you to any obvious fault or attempt to tolerate things that don’t make you happy all because you are afraid of being hurt. While compromises are part of relationships, don’t pretend to be happy when you know deep down that the situation you are in cause you discomfort. Be honest with your feelings and consult God any time you meet a woman you love before approaching her for a relationship.

Don’t make the same mistake a lot of us make - transferring someone else’s failure to another relationship. If quitting, leave behind your pains and disappointment with that relationship, to give any new relationship you are embarking on the chance to grow. 

Good luck.

My Wayward Girlfriend Needs Help

Dear Agatha,

I am a 24-year-old undergraduate. I love the way you handle people’s problems and I hope you will resolve mine as aptly as you do others.

Agatha, there is this girl I love so much and she knows I love her with all my heart. This is irrespective of the fact that she has been doing all sorts of things, like going out with other men even in my presence. 

And, due to my love for her, I have tolerated all these by refusing to react. But she has done the worst: getting pregnant for someone I don’t know and going ahead to abort it.

Fortunately for me, I discovered what she did and confronted her with the details which she didn’t bother to deny.

Unfortunately for her, the abortion she did was incomplete. She is now going through some pains and discomfort. I have refused to help her. I told her to use her money to get a complete cure.

Agatha, please advise me on what to do. I love this girl so much but her unfaithfulness is killing me. Should I help her and continue with her? She also happens to be the only daughter of her family.

Chibyke.

Dear Chibyke,

If you are in a position to save her life, please do. If’ you do nothing to help her, she may die from complications arising from the incomplete abortion. Time is not her friend in this circumstance; everyday you delay in helping her, something inside her is badly affected. 

If you continue to rationalise about the way she has treated you, getting pregnant for someone else and now coming to you for help when things are very bad for her medically, you would never raise a finger to help. 

And at the end of the day, she may die, leaving with you a sense of guilt that you will never ever be able to bury from your memory each time you remember her.

Whether you like it or not, she has become a part of your history; a part of a story you will tell someone in your position one day. Not all stories are meant to have happy endings. Some are laced with too much pain that come from endless sacrifices to someone who doesn’t appreciate it. 

But, if we remember that, as human beings we disappoint God daily and yet gets his unconditional forgiveness, it would be easier for us to let go some of the needless painful memories we infect our system with.

The beauty of God is his willingness to love and forgive us. It is also about showing love to those who have hurt us and being selfless. 

Rise above the emotional turmoil she has subjected you to through her recklessness and insensitivity to your feelings by helping to rescue her. She remains a friend and friends do help each other, no matter what pains they inflict on one another. Remember she once gave you reason to smile despite the many pains she has inflicted on you. 

You don’t have to continue with the relationship unless you are convinced that she has changed. Don’t subject yourself to further emotional turmoil because it is not worth it.

Unless she changes her way of life, there is the possibility of you ending up with a woman you would have no control over and who will never be faithful to your marital vows.

Be careful on how you allow your emotions infringe on your reasoning ability.

Although this experience may be what she needs to change her wayward ways, there has to be enough evidence that she has indeed changed before you take her too seriously again.

You need to exercise caution in dealing with a woman like her when it comes to love.

Good luck.