My Ex Returns With Pregnancy

Dear Agatha,

After three years of us breaking up and going our different ways, my ex girlfriend and I ran into each other around June last year. I was just coming out of the relationship I went into when I broke up with her. She too was between boyfriends. One thing led to another and we made up with each other again. Around October, she suddenly left without telling me anything. I tried getting in touch with her but her phones weren’t going through.

After a while, I gave up on her and decided to move on with my life with the girl I broke up with who had also come to beg me.

Now, my former girlfriend is back with an almost eight months old pregnancy claiming I am responsible. She said she left when she wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but nothing she did worked.

She now decided to stay back with her maternal aunty who accepted to look after her and the pregnancy. She said she came to inform me of her state not because she wanted me to do anything I didn’t want to do but that it is fair for me to know I have a child somewhere.

To be frank, she is one woman that I have come to love dearly. I caused the problem the first time in our relationship. I was never sufficient with one woman, but now age is no longer on my side.

My current relationship is one I never intended to last this long. I stayed with her because I actually thought something good would come out of it but as each goes by, I am getting more convinced that she isn’t the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

But the thing is, how do I convince my former girlfriend that I am sorry and want her in my life? How do I tell her my life isn’t worth anything without her?

When I tried to explain to her the need for her to come back to me, she refused saying she can’t cope with my kind of person; that other women will never allow her to fully enjoy me as her husband. She said it was one of the reasons she tried to abort the pregnancy and keep away from me. Unknown to me, my present girlfriend had sent her a text message warning her to stay off me.

Agatha, please tell me how to win her back, convince her that I mean well and that with or without this baby she is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Tobias.

 

Dear Tobias,

There is no doubting the fact that from the way she has behaved so far, she is also in love with you, but very afraid of coming back to you given her past experiences with you.

You will also agree with me that there is no way she can decide whether to come back to you or not. The matter has gone out of her hands, given the sympathy and support her family, her aunty especially has demonstrated so far.

To come back to you without getting things properly sorted out will be putting the cart before the horse. Once bitten they say twice shy. There is no way she will ever take you seriously if you still have another woman who is busy sending warning texts to her to stay off you. To have her back in your life and give her all the assurances she needs now in her condition and thereafter, you must end your current relationship immediately. Seeing there is no other woman in your life who will give her some level of confidence to begin to think of you as more than a father of her unborn baby.

There is no way she can take you seriously while the other girl is around you especially going by your past history. She has told you the reason she isn’t overjoyed at coming back to you; fear of other women as well as the required peace to enjoy her man. 

What she actually needs from you is assurance that you will care and love her as well as have the benefit of your undivided attention.

Take the initiative of going to her aunty to meet with her, own up to the paternity of the unborn baby, thank her for her trust in her niece as well as the understanding she has shown since your girlfriend got pregnant.

Ensure you are a regular visitor to her aunty. When going, get someone, perhaps your mother to follow you to meet with her aunty.  Between them, they would eventually be able to convince her to come back to you.

It is also imperative you find a way of letting her know that you still would have wanted her for keeps even without the baby; that her being pregnant is just an added bonus. She has to know that more than anything else, she means so much to you.

Sincerely, a lot would depend on how well you are able to communicate the depth of your love to her through care and devotion.

Good luck. 

I Want My In-laws Out Of My Life

Dear Agatha,

May God continue to bless you with wisdom and understanding as you give many people heavenly advice. I have been meaning to write you for ages but didn’t know how to go about it.

I got married nearly 10 years ago. Unfortunately, I can’t claim my marriage is a happy one. I met my husband through a friend of his who lives abroad like me. My husband joined us later.

But for the grace of God, I would have left him within three months of him joining me here. Not long after we got married, I realised that my husband was no better than a 16-year-old boy. I had to practically play the role of a mother to him.

I also discovered he had lied about his age. When we met, he told me he was a year older than I am but found out when he was filling his segment of our marriage form at the registry that we were one month apart in age.

I was a bit angry at first but decided age had nothing to do with love.  I had to force him to get a job and completely refused to further his education, which would have helped his prospects here.  I noticed he was always showing attributes of someone living somebody else’s life.

Out of worry, I have severally called his parents separately to report the things I noticed in him to them but none of them in all these years seem to bother. His mother is always blaming it on laziness on the part of my husband. Even though I knew something was very wrong somewhere, I just didn’t know what it was but I just knew it was more of a spiritual problem.

Having lived with him for close to 10 years, I knew it wasn’t normal for a man to lack the will to do anything or have a plan for his family. We are both close to 40 years of age and I know for sure that he doesn’t drink excessively or cheat on me; but we are always fighting and don’t agree on any matter. This became more pronounced after our third child, which turned out to be a blessing for me.

Since marrying him, I have never enjoyed this marriage. Even when I am heavily pregnant, I still have to work otherwise the family would suffer from lack.

Initially, I thought his parents were the kind that simply do not care until I began to go into inexplicable debts. It was becoming too much for me and since I could not bear the burden of the whole situation any longer, a friend of mine then advised that I seek spiritual help. The woman of God I went to said I should go into three days fasting with prayers. I decided to add vigil and some deliverance psalms.

At the end of the exercise, I got some shocking revelations, which over 10 men of God in different locations gave the same meaning. My in-laws were responsible for my husband’s predicament. Being their first born, they had each traded with his star. His mother was said to have done it first while his father followed later.

They had also taken steps to make him unable to act even if he finds out the truth concerning what they had done. I was very pained in my spirit because I have done everything to please my husband and his family. Now passion runs deep. I developed a deep hatred for them and I am currently taking the prayers of these men of God to make my heart thaw towards him and even talk to him.

To say my parents-in-law disappointed me is putting the issue mildly. It is like a scene off the many Nigerian movies I have watched. My husband also eventually did his own investigation and found out that what I told him about his parents was the truth even though sometimes he doubts the ability of his parents to go that far.

I feel for him and myself because they have managed to drag us back from where we ought to be but I know now that God is in control because we are now very prayerful.

I don’t want to have anything to do with them again. What do you think I should do regarding this situation? They live in Nigeria and we live abroad. I am too saddened by this.

Concerned Woman.

 

Dear Concerned Woman,

God says in every situation we should learn to give Him all the glory. Be grateful to God that He pointed you at the right direction to go and for revealing the things done to you.

Had He not, what would you have done? Continue to grope in the dark? There are some people who have your kind of problems but are still struggling to know where they are coming from or those responsible. God may have decided to show you because of the state of your heart as well as your disposition to your in-laws. to now play god for the simple reason that God showed you where the arrow is coming from is to shut the doors of heavens against yourself.

Rather than change in attitude against them, continue to relate with them the way you have been doing. The battle isn’t yours to fight but that of God. Trust him completely with your life as well as your husband’s. He showed you those things not for you to take on the battle yourself but to help guide you aright.

Since you live abroad and your parents-in-law live in Nigeria, there is nothing to bring you and them together unless you decide to come home. So the issue of you avoiding them doesn’t arise since the distance between you and them has already done that. What you owe them is simply a phone call from time to time to ensure they are okay and when you can, send them whatever you can afford. The essence is simply to fulfil all righteousness because one day you would become a mother-in-law to somebody. Irrespective of whatever they did to their son, ensure you don’t pay them evil for evil because life has a way of reminding us at every critical time decisions we took in anger and haste. You wouldn’t want your daughter-in-law to deny you of your rights as your son’s mother, would you? No matter how much he hates his parents now, they remain his parents and one day would be forced by situation to reconcile with them but you may not be given that chance. So be careful how you dabble into this matter.

Rather than concentrate on seeking revenge from your parents-in-law on what they did to your husband, devote more time to ensuring your husband is completely free from the spiritual bondage he is in and which you have married into. If your husband is able to pull himself out of the spiritual bondage, life would be a lot easier on you. Not only would both of you stop fighting, you will be able to relax from engaging yourself in many strenuous job you are currently doing for the family to survive.

This should be more of your concern now and not what his parents did to him. Go into another series of prayers and fasting to ensure your husband is totally out of the woods. It isn’t too late for him to go back to school; encourage him to get a job that will help lessen the burden on you and buy him back his respect as the man of the house. I am sure part of the problem in your marriage has to do with the fact that you are the one bringing in most of the money. If he was also contributing, you won’t be too irritated by him or pick up quarrels with him at will. This is what happens when a woman is bringing in all the money while the man sits at home. You may not realise it, but you are becoming short-fussed due to the burdens on you.

Ring him with prayers and give him all the spiritual support you need to enjoy your marriage. This is what you need now more than anything else.

 

Good luck.

She Lied On Oath To Foist Paternity Of Her Child On Me

Dear Agatha,

A girlfriend lied that I am the father of her child. The matter went to court and I accepted paternity of the child. 

Now she wants me to marry her. Do you think she is saying this because of the child?

Confused Man.

Dear Confused Man, 

Unless there is something you are not saying, there is no way she can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. One thing is to accept the paternity of a child, while it is completely another thing to accept marriage to her against your will. 

The question is what do you want? I cannot tell you to marry her or not because I don’t know her. You have your reasons for denying the paternity of the child and allowing the matter go to court before accepting responsibility of the same child. 

If you are not comfortable with her as a woman, why not exhibit boldness in telling her what you feel and why you think it must not always be her way? 

A court can force you to take responsibility for the child, because you slept with her. That on its own makes you liable for any pregnancy she claims to be yours, but no court in the world can force you to marry her if you don’t want to. 

This is because marriage is sacred, done in love for the purpose of peace and chastity of the society. 

Love, friendship, respect, trust, loyalty and faithfulness are some of the ingredients needed to have a peaceful home. From all you have said, it is obvious you don’t trust her at all else you wouldn’t have denied responsibility of the pregnancy since you slept with her. Even if you have reasons to suspect anything, the fact that you have been intimate with her would have made you accept the baby without allowing the court to decide on the matter. 

Given this antecedent there is no way you can ever have the sufficient trust to keep her in your home as a wife, at least not now. You must first of all get rid of the cobwebs of your mind.

 It is only after you have done this that you can think clearly and properly too. One thing is clear, if this woman wasn’t sure of her claims that you are the father of her child, she wouldn’t have allowed the matter go to court. For her to have done that means she is sure, so the problem has to do with your ability to trust her. If you are contemplating marrying her, you must first of all deal with the issue of your inability to trust her else it will be the bane of your union. 

If she wants you to marry her, it is only natural. Every woman, especially young and single, would always want to marry the man she has a child for because it saves her from having to explain to another man and his family why she didn’t marry the father of her child. Most women don’t want to have children for different men if they can help it.

But like I said, the decision has to come from you, not her. If fear was the reason you denied the baby at first, even if she is the one asking for marriage, it still behooves you to beg and ask for her forgiveness before either declining her offer or accepting it. 

As a man, you need to be more definite about your life. Stop leaving everything to chances. You must learn to take your life in your hands and stop leaving everything about you to chance. Nobody desirous of making it in life gives the freedom of decision on his or her life to another person. Put a stop to it and for once take driver seat and direct the ship of your life to where you want it to go.

The major challenge isn’t this girl, but you. The truth is you don’t want to take responsibility for anything; you want the decision to be taken for you so if it doesn’t work, you will have an excuse, an escape route to say, I didn’t want it but was forced into doing it. Life doesn’t work that way. If you want this girl, before someone else get interested in her, don’t delay in making up your mind known, declare your interest and stop playing games with your life, this girl’s as well as that innocent baby.

And if you are sure she isn’t the right one for you, sit her down to discuss the welfare of the child. The welfare of the child may be one of the reasons she is asking you to marry her. Once you assure her of the welfare of the child and demonstrate your sincerity to your commitment, she may have the confidence to move on without you. Your refusal to take on responsibility may be the reason she is demanding you marry her. 

Good luck.

I’m Falling For Her But She Double Dates

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your good work. My first relationship ended when the girl I was dating became pregnant with another man’s child. 

I met my new girlfriend after this. There is no doubting the fact that I love her very much, but the problem I have with her is that she has another boy in her life. 

Agatha, she is the kind of woman I need in my life and want a relationship with her. I see her everyday because she is my course mate at the university. 

I am confused. Please tell me what to do.       

Tony.

Dear Tony, 

How would you feel if this girl was your girlfriend and someone was trying to take her away from you? Better still, how did you feel when your ex-girlfriend got pregnant for another man while still dating her? I am sure you didn’t like the experience at all. What you don’t want to happen to you, don’t do it to another person. 

If for nothing else, respect this girl for having the guts to tell you the truth; for saving you from another heartbreak. 

And if indeed you are in love with her, make the sacrifice love entails, allow her be. True love isn’t forceful; it is selfless, brave and very considerate. Be brave and allow this young lady the freedom of conducting her relationship with her boyfriend. The best you can be to her for now is to be her friend. We all require good and trustworthy friends in our lives to help us through life’s many challenges. As a friend you stand a better chance of being around her longer than you would be as her partner. As a friend you get to enjoy better confidence, trust and loyalty than you would at this stage of your lives as a dating couple.

There are still many women you will meet in life and one special one you will love, who will make you wonder at what you saw in all these women you claim to be in love with. If the first one got pregnant for another man while dating her and the second says she isn’t interested because she has someone in her life, it means you are going for the wrong kind of women and might need to concentrate on other things first before coming back into a relationship.

Until you find that kind of woman, concentrate more on your studies and stop wasting precious time thinking of a girl who isn’t free to love you. Dating, relationship and being in love don’t go out of fashion, but there is a convenient time to go to school. Once you pass the stage, acquiring education becomes a huge struggle since you will be doing it on a time allocated by nature to something else. It isn’t always easy to combine education with growing a family or working.

So make hay while the sun is still shining. Good luck. 

I’m Ignorant Of Free Days After Ovulation Period

Dear Agatha,

I’m one of your regular readers. Please help me solve this problem. I’m a lady of 28 years, an undergraduate, who lost her virginity at 23. I have undergone three different abortions for one man, but my problem is that I don’t know when I’m free. Please tell me, when am I free after menstruating?  How do I know my ovulation period? 

Amara.

Dear Amara,

How many days are you? To give you a near accurate calendar, you must first establish whether you are a 28, 30, 32 or over 35-day menstrual cycle. The average calendar for most women is 28-day, but some have lengthier calendar days. Get a notebook and enter your date for a period of six months. Doing so would give you a clear picture of your cycle. Thereafter it would be easy to calculate your ovulation period as well as your free days.  Begin counting from the first day of your menses to the 10th day after, if you are a 28-day woman. Four days to your 14th day and four days after are the days you are most likely to get pregnant. The same calculation should be applied whatever your cycle is.

Your freest days are the first seven days after your period and the last week leading to your period.

But it would help you a great deal to go to your doctor who will better explain and guide you appropriately in grey areas. On the issue of abortions, it is always best and cheaper to prevent pregnancy than take the risk of repeated abortion. One of the greatest risks is destroying the walls of your womb especially if the abortion is poorly done. 

A lot of things can go wrong at the evacuation table. So if you must sleep with your boyfriend, insist he uses a condom or you use a birth control device.

Any Merit For Sex In Relationship?

Dear Agatha,

I’m always impressed with the manner you respond to issues. May God continue to strengthen you for the good job you are doing through this medium. 

I am tall, fair and handsome, and I am convinced love should not be forced rather should come naturally. But what I see is people being forced into relationships they don’t want by their families or associates. Please I want to understand why one should persuade or coarse someone into a relationship when it is obvious that person isn’t interested in that particular relationship?Again, does sex strengthen a relationship? How come the ladies are now the ones demanding for it? Jeffery.

Dear Jeffery, 

People force people into relationships simply for selfish purposes. It is either they are protecting a business empire, family interests or personal reasons. The danger of such pressurised marriages is usually the inability of the couple to run their affairs without interferences from the powers that brought them together. Because these relationships lack the right kind of foundation to flourish, the couples end up going their separate ways due to irreconcilable differences. This is why it isn’t advisable for anybody to yield to pressures to an arranged marriage. People should be allowed to make their choices of spouses if the marriage institution is to remain as solid as God intended it to be. Couples given the freedom to make their choices are better able to manage challenges on account of the love and friendship that brought them together in the first place. 

Sex within marriage actually strengthens a relationship because it is the greatest gift of intimacy God bequeathed a married couple. Sex in marriage isn’t just for the purpose of procreation, it goes beyond that. The way God created sex for a married couple is to help build an emotional bank of trust, friendship, loyalty, communication, responsibility, respect and leisure between two perfect strangers coming together to begin a life together. 

God didn’t mean it to be cheap like the way some persons currently view it. Within marriage, sex has unlimited roles whereas in a platonic relationship, it weakens because it comes cheap. This is why unmarried couple should do everything to avoid premarital sex because it lacks the bonding qualities of a married one.

Any unmarried woman who goes about demanding sex from her boyfriend is unmindful of the kind of image she is projecting for herself, because at the end no man would have the confidence to keep such a woman in his house as wife. Despite the level of moral bankruptcy in the society, a lot of men still prefer to be with a woman who knows how to say no to sex before marriage. 

While most men applaud a young girls who demands for sex as being enlightened, but when it comes to the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with, they still tilt towards the tradition that says a good woman, one with moral values do not capitulate to a man until she becomes his wife. In marriage both can make demands on each other as often as they feel, but before then, moral value cautions a woman against it, because she ends up being the hurt party at the end of the day.Good luck.

Before I Go Deep With My Landlord's Daughter…

Dear Agatha, 

I must extend my commendations to you for the good work. Keep it up and may the good God grant you more wisdom.

I got a job some couples of months ago away from home in one of the biggest firms in Nigeria. I rented an apartment in an estate and my landlord lives in the same compound with me. He has a beautiful unmarried daughter. I must confess I admire her a lot. She has this homely nature and behaves like a mother. 

I didn’t plan to have any relationship with her at the outset due to the fact that I am a tenant in her father’s house. She observed that I had no girlfriend, because she sees me doing the cooking, laundry and dish washing all alone. And on several occasions she volunteered to assist me with these things but I objected. I travelled out of town for an official assignment last month; she called to say she was missing me. I also told her I was missing her.

When I came back, from the look on her face, I sensed she has fallen in love with me. Therefore I wasn’t surprised when she told me she was in love with me. She professed her love for me and we started dating. Two weeks ago we had our first kiss, so intimate that I had to warn her of the implications if we fail to control ourselves especially as close neighbours.  

We kiss almost every day and caressing is becoming so intense that most times I lost control only to have her break the mood. Something keeps telling me that if we continue this way, there is trouble knocking at the door.

Please, I need your advice. Should I quit this relationship? What if the parents perceive we are dating, what happens afterward?  I’m in my mid 20s and need to settle down probably next year. I don’t want to experience heartbreak or even hurt someone. 

Gold.

Dear Gold, 

There is nothing wrong in dating this girl provided your intentions towards her are honourable. Problem would only come if all your interest were to sleep with her and leave. 

Like every parents interested in the welfare of their daughter, her parents will definitely want to know what your plans for her are. Until they know what your plans are, they may not give their support to the relationship and could lead to you leaving the house to protect the dignity of their daughter as well as protect their own image. 

Because of the delicate nature of your situation, you must be very clear on what you want from this girl. Are you into this relationship with her because you really want to or for the simple reason she declared her true feelings for you? Are you certain you aren’t capitalising on her declaration to have this affair with her? Would you have on your own considered dating her without this prompting from her?

Deep down do you think she has those extra special qualities you need in a woman you plan to spend the rest of your life with? Can you say with categorical confidence that she fits in more than one ways into the image of your ideal woman? Does she give you the kind of happiness and peace you have never experienced? Can she make you laugh even when all you feel like is to remain angry? Do you think she can give the right kind of support to succeed? Importantly, how much respect and trust do you have for her?

Honest answers to these questions would not only reveal your true feelings for her, but also help prepare you on how to handle her parents when they find out. If your feelings for her are deep enough, there is no reason you should be afraid of her parents knowing especially as you are contemplating settling down next year. 

The major issue here is for you to be sure of what you want, that thing you desire most in a woman. Once you are sure she has it, are confident that whatever life throws at both of you, you will always be able to overcome, and then there is really nothing to stop you from having a personal discussion with her before agreeing on when to see her parents officially.  

It is important you make haste in whatever decision you want to take on this matter to avoid the attendant scandal likely to follow should her parents find out first. If your decision is not to take the relationship further, be honest with her and let her know you aren’t ready yet, so that both of you can end the relationship before it becomes a major emotional disaster. 

Whatever happens, be prepared to relocate from the house to earn your freedom from her parents as well as to be in charge of your own life. There is no way you can stay there and be in charge of your life whether or not you and the lady agree to marry or end the relationship, because she remains your landlord’s daughter.

Good luck.

Unemployment Stands Between Marriage And Me

Dear Agatha, 

I am a full-grown man desirous of getting married but the global meltdown has been hampering me.

I had a relationship when I was in the university, but unfortunately we broke up and parted ways after we had a misunderstanding.

As far as I know, she is a very nice girl. My mind still desires her now for marriage. We talk on phone and even see once in a while.

Last week, I made my decision clear to her for marriage after she told me she desired to be married since she isn’t getting any younger.

Though, I made my heart-felt and sincere proposal to her, but owing to unemployment, I can’t make it as quickly as she may need it.

Please, tell me what to do so that I will not miss her in marriage.

Abdulaziz.

Dear Abdulaziz, 

Trust and sincerity are the two things you both need here. She has to trust you won’t disappoint her and you have to be sincere with her at all times. 

When a woman gets to a certain age and is unmarried, even if she doesn’t want to admit it openly, she begins to nurse this involuntary fear about her life; about her viability as a woman as well as the essence of her time. With each day that passes, her anxieties are heightened because time waits for no one; especially a woman whose biological clock ages every second. The fear that her time keeps depreciating at the end of every of her monthly cycle makes her desperate to settle down and deaf to the reasons of her heart.

Time isn’t the only conspiracy; her family, friends, peers and society are all part of this finely woven web of conspiracy that leaves her drained and unable to listen to the rhythm of her heart. It is usually tougher on the woman because she is the one Mother Nature has put limitations on; whose reproductive organ expires after a certain age. 

Given this scenario, she may not be willing to listen to whatever reasons you have against marrying her now; especially as there are numerous examples of men who jilted the women in their lives after making them wait endlessly for them to be ready. 

You may lose this woman to her own entrenched fears of the uncertainty of tomorrow unless of course you both sit down to discuss the essentials of your situations. 

This is what marriage is made up of, being able to find workable ways around a particularly knotty issue. 

It is not just enough to blame your inability to marry on the economic situation because if the truth be told; there are no signs that it would abate anytime too soon. It is only someone who isn’t serious that would put everything on hold until the economic situation improves. Major decisions still have to be taken. People are still getting married and new babies are daily being born to even very indigent families. There is no way everything can be in place before you marry especially if you are not born with a sliver spoon or come from the new league of millionaires. 

The reality of the situation is for both of you to look at what you both can pull together; that is if you are really sure you want this lady sufficiently in your life. This would determine the amount of dedication, drive you put into the whole process of making her choice. To be frank, if you don’t make the efforts, you may end up losing her to any man who comes her way now; it may not be as a result of love but to appease the fears which are daily growing inside of her. This is where sincerity comes into play especially on your part. What kind of business or employment are you currently engaged in?

This is a fact you must present to her; to convince her that you are not hiding anything from her and that you are sincere with her. Give her the chance of contributing to it, hear the options as well as ideas she has. By the time you discuss options available to both of you, you will have a decision that will please both of you and which ultimately would give her the assurances she needs and also instigate commitment from her whether the marriage takes place now or later.

Involving her is a way of preventing her from disclaiming you or your reasons. Once she is part of the entire process, knows and understands all the issues involved in your decision, having the confidence and trust to help push you closer to a near perfect situation won’t be so difficult for her.

In addition, your talks would resolve the riddle of ‘when’. The way you have presented the issue, the ‘when’ is abstract; it has no definite date of expiration. Your discussions will at least give her a clearer picture of how long she has to wait for you to be ready to walk her down the aisle. She isn’t comfortable with your decisions now because you have left it open-ended and for a woman who is desirous of marriage, it is as good as not having commitment from her man. It is one thing to be interested in marrying a woman; it is another thing to want to marry her but your discussion with her will tell her if you indeed want to.

Good luck. 

She Dates My Boss, Eyeing My Brother For Altar…

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve this rather difficult situation I have found myself. It concerns my brother and the woman he intends to marry. 

Around April last year, I met this lady through my boss who happens to be her boyfriend. Being the secretary, there is seldom anything happening in his life that I am not aware of. He is one of those bosses that are honest, responsible, respectful and very opened. Like every man, he has a weakness for the wild ladies, and do from time to time indulge in wild romances even in the office.

He tells me almost everything happening in his life. I know for sure from what he tells me about this lady that he has no intention of marrying her kind; that he only intends her to warm up his bed whenever he wants the service.

I have severally caught them in very intimate positions in my boss’ office and one of his very regulars. I didn’t consider her my business until she showed up as my brother’s much talked about fiancée.

My elder brother, five years older, is one of the nicest persons I know. His girlfriend of eight years about two years ago walked out on him to marry his best friend. It was a very devastating experience for him. At first, he vowed never to remarry, but with the support of our parents and his other friends overcame the disappointment. 

You can therefore imagine the joy of the family when he announced to everyone this fantastic lady he met and with whom he intends settling down. He didn’t get to bring the lady to the house until three weeks ago when I discovered to my dismay that she was the same lady whom the day before spent the night at my boss’ house. I am aware of this because he begged me to bring some letters he forgot to sign to his house. Because I had to go for my personal errands, see my own boyfriend coupled with the fact that the letters weren’t something that I had to dispatch that day, so I got to his house at about 6p.m. I met her in my boss’ T-shirt, suggesting she was there to stay. 

My boss insisted my boyfriend and I spent time with him. We left at about 9p.m. as a result of the league match both of them were very passionate about. 

Seeing her as the woman my brother intends spending the rest of his life with almost gave me a cardiac arrest. My brother and parents must have noticed my disposition because they kept asking me if everything was okay with me. I have to invent a headache I didn’t have to escape into my room. My boyfriend who came in later also didn’t know what to make of the whole development. 

What really worries me is her attitude. She not only pretended seeing me for the first time, but also stayed cool all through. It wasn’t until the following day in the office she came to plead with me to let her be. That she was with my boss for the fun, but want my brother for a husband. She promised to be of good behaviour once she marries my brother. 

Since then I haven’t seen her in the office, but when I asked my boss about her, he told me she said she didn’t want to come to the office anymore; that she now preferred seeing him at home.

Agatha, I haven’t told either my parents or brother yet. He is my only brother and sibling, which make us very close. Our parents married very late. I don’t know how he would react given the kind of disappointment he suffered two years ago. 

My boyfriend insists I say something before my brother makes the mistake of marrying this girl. Last week I told my best friend who is also of the opinion I tell my brother. 

My fear is not telling him, but his reactions to the news. I can’t withstand seeing him in the condition I saw him the last time his girlfriend walked away from him. 

What should I do? I feel so helpless. Do I challenge the lady or go straight to my brother? My friend says I should also tell my boss about her. Do I?

Ibidun.

Dear Ibidun, 

Which would be tolerable for him; to know now that the woman he plans to marry isn’t who she claims to be or to find out after marriage that he has married the wrong woman? 

Chances are he would never forgive you for knowing the kind of person she is and not saying anything about it. Sincerely you would have achieved nothing at the end of the day because he would eventually find out about her. 

What you are doing now is simply to postpone your brother’s doomsday to a time it would not be easy for him to quit without complications. 

He may not receive the news well now, but would at the end of the day come to appreciate your interventions. As his sister, it is your responsibility to watch out for his interest, provided your intentions are not malicious, intended to secure his happiness in life, don’t feel guilty at being the harbinger of this piece of news. You need to protect him from himself before it is too late.

You can only feel guilty if you are lying about what you know. As long as you are sure of your facts, don’t be afraid to tell your brother about her. 

Who your boss is dating isn’t any business of yours, but whomever your brother involves with and marries is your business. If you don’t know how to tell your brother, tell your parents first. Your father being a man and one that has seen it all would know how to tell his son about the nature of women. He too must have had one or two experiences to share with him; encounters that will help your brother come to the realisation that whatever challenges he is going through in the hands of the women in his life are meant to prepare him for the right kind of woman. 

He is most likely to listen more to your father than your mother whom he would see at this painful time in his life as a woman. But coming from your father, a man like him, one understands how it feels to be rejected, betrayed and made a fool by a woman, he would eventually get over it and bounce back to listen to well meaningful advice from you and your mother. 

It is also essential you encourage your boyfriend to be closer to him; keep him company to ensure he doesn’t capitulate to temptations that follow this kind of disappointments. 

Like you fear, this incident will certainly dig up the ghost of his first disappointment, but having the right kind of support will help him overcome. 

As his only sister, your job doesn’t stop at just telling him about this girl, it goes beyond that. Why do you think your brother is falling into the hands of the wrong kinds of women? Do you detect a similarity in all the women he has dated so far? If yes, what are these similarities? Use this information to help point him at the recurring mistakes he has been making with women generally. If all the women have the same outwards qualities, perhaps he should look at the one different from all other women he has dated. 

Chances are that he dates this lady because she may look like his former girlfriend physically or has same characteristics with his ex. Having dated his ex-girl for eight years, he could have unconsciously searched for a woman with her kind of personality to replace her. Deep down, he wants a woman like his ex in his life. 

To help your brother overcome this, encourage him to begin his relationships from pure friendship. This would afford him the opportunity of getting to know the woman for who she is and not for want he wants her to be. Chances are he didn’t bother to look deeply before bringing this one home. He wanted to see his ex in her and unwittingly fixed her into the image of his ex without making efforts to know whom she is. 

Always stand in gap for him by praying for his success. He really needs all the help he can get to ward off disappointments in his life. Sometimes things we take for granted may be warning signs from God that we need to draw closer to Him in prayers. If you are wise, begin now to secure your own marriage in prayers to prevent you too from late marriage and several disappointments. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha, 

I am a regular reader of your column. Thanks for the life changing advice you have been giving to people. Truly, you are God sent. I am a girl of 21years, an undergraduate, dark in complexion, tall and easy going, need a responsible man for a serious relationship. An interested man can contact me through this number, 07039888697. e-mail Ngbaby4zubby@yahoo.com

My Marriage Is Threatened Over A 20-year-old Secret

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me resolve an impending crisis that is staring my marriage in the face. Years ago, while in school, I got pregnant and due to the insistence of my parents, had the baby. But my mother later took pity on me and agreed to raise the child. Till date, my son stays with my parents and regards them as his biological parents instead of his grandparents.

Nobody has bothered to explain to him that I am his mother due to my insistence that things be kept the way they are. He sees me as his elder sister. 

I didn’t also bother to educate my husband when I met him. He, like others, assumed my son was my younger brother. We are blessed with three children of our own. Once when my parents called me to discuss the issue of me telling my son myself that I am his real mother, as well as inform my husband-to-be that I have a child shortly before my wedding, I pleaded with them to let things be for a while. I told them I needed time to think.

My son is now 20. He comes to my house to spend his holidays at the insistence of my parents. My parents are getting very advanced in age and are determined to settle this issue before they die. My mother is afraid that if she isn’t around to help the boy get over the shock of knowing he is their grandchild, he may never be able to forgive me. She is fearful the information may affect him negatively. She is also very apprehensive of the implication of this information on my marriage. 

She wants the whole thing settled before her death. She has actually given me a deadline of March ending to either tell my husband or she does it for me. 

Knowing my husband, the way I do, I doubt if he will ever forgive me because he is a very difficult man. I fear my marriage will not survive this. I have tried persuading my mother to let things be since nothing would be achieved by the truth coming out now. The boy thinks I am his sister, a situation I am comfortable with. I don’t want anything to happen to my marriage and children. Please help because right now I don’t know what to do.

Christy.

Dear Christy, 

Ask yourself this question, are you being fair to your first son and child? Doesn’t he have the same rights these other children have over your time, affection and considerations?

Was it his fault that you and his father slept together when you were least prepared for the challenges of having him? Why would you persist on parading your son as your brother? 

No matter the consequences of the truth coming out, it is high time you began to take responsibility of your actions and play your role in the life of this young man by confronting the shadows of your past. 

Your parents are right. They have the influence to water down considerably the negative effect of the truth coming out this late. 

Don’t think the truth will not come out someday. Your parents are the reason nobody in the family is saying anything and have continued to accept the boy as being part of the family. Sooner or later, someone would want to set the records straight, especially if the boy steps out of line. Don’t push your luck too far. Besides, there are others outside your family members, friends and colleagues who are also in the know. 

It would spell greater doom for you if your husband gets to find out from other sources about your child. If you think him difficult, wait until he finds out from people outside, then you will know what difficult means. 

Has it ever occurred to you that the father of this boy would one day walk back into your life to demand for his son? What would be your story then? How would you handle a child you haven’t even told the basic truth about his maternity, much less of his paternity? 

Not matter how difficult he is, the fact that you have spent some years together, built a joint history and have children together, are enough to make him want to listen to you later. Yes, like everyone whose spouse kept such a fundamental information from, he will initially get angry, betrayed, embarrassed and disappointed at what you did, but these feelings will eventually go away unless of course his years with you are bereft of any worthy memory. 

You have made a costly mistake once, denying your son by pretending he is your brother. Don’t make the mistake that would completely destroy everything for you. No matter how well mannered a child he is, the fact that you could look him in the eye all these years and address him as your brother, rather than a son, is enough to make this child reject you as a mother for life. 

You may think it doesn’t matter now and that things should be left as they are but you will later realise that it matters a whole lot. Apart from being your first son, he happens to be your first child, the leader of the team. No sensible mother divides her children; the consequences of having divided children are usually more fatal on the woman than the man. The reason being, a man isn’t the one blessed with the task of moulding the family. Your parents may have acted in gap for you all these years but they are not his parents. He remains your primary responsibility. You must establish a relationship with him that will see you playing a dependable role in his life as your parents are doing for you now. It would be a great disaster if after the deaths of your parents, this boy replaces you in his life with another person to act the role of his mother. You may not feel it now because you are young but when the age piles up, you will need the comfort of all your children.

Even if the choice is between your home and child, stand up for this boy for once. Stop rejecting him; give him the chance of knowing his siblings as his brothers and sisters and not as nephews or nieces. You have been very unfair to this young man.

Before telling your husband, invite your son to your parents and gently break the news to him. On your knees beg this young man for forgiveness. This is not the time to play mother but a naughty adult who needs forgiveness of an innocent soul.

Explain everything from the moment you met his father to the point your parents took him over and how each time you stopped out of fear to tell him the truth. Allow your parents take over the discussion from there. With all of you around, he will eventually come to terms with it.

Thereafter, get your husband’s closest confidant and open up to him or her. With the help of this friend, begin by begging for forgiveness. Tell him if he breaks up the marriage on account of what you are about to divulge you will understand but that you are appealing for understanding from the heart you love with everything inside of you. Also, blame your not informing him earlier on fear of losing him. These preambles are to prepare him for the very worse situation and also to help him cope with the shock of your news. 

It will for a while affect your relationship with your husband; when he gets snappy, irritated, understand he is going through a process and that with time, everything will return to normal. But the one thing you should never expect is an instant miracle from either your son or husband. Take each day as it comes.

But before you do this, commit the whole situation to the hands of God in whom we rest our destinies. Beg for forgiveness and tell Him to personally talk to your husband.

Good luck.