My Husband Impregnated My Cousin, Wants To Keep It

Dear Agatha, 

Please help me because I am in trouble. I brought my 18-year-old cousin to stay with me last year when I could no longer cope with the house chores and my job. 

One of the conditions my aunty gave before allowing her to come with me is that I should send her to a catering school. 

Because of the prohibitive cost of doing so, I persuaded her to wait until this year before she can begin. Due to the demands of my job, I completely entrusted her with my family, allowing her to do the cooking, washing and looking after my home. 

I didn’t know anything was going on in my home until I discovered that my cousin was about four months pregnant. She initially didn’t want to tell me whose pregnancy it was until I threatened to send her back to the village. She finally told me my husband is responsible. My husband didn’t bother to deny responsibility of the pregnancy. 

I would have gone ahead to abort the pregnancy but my husband is insisting otherwise. According to him, it is bad enough that he has committed the unpardonable act of sleeping with my cousin but to abort the life of an innocent child is something he isn’t prepared to do. 

He is pleading with me to forgive him and allow the girl give birth to the child, collect the child and send the girl to further her education in a neighbouring country to give her another lease of life. He claimed he forced himself on the girl on one of those nights I was away on official duties and didn’t know what came over him. According to both of them, that was the only time. Besides, he found her to be a virgin. It is for this reason he is insisting on her having the child and has a matter of fact gone to report the matter to his family. His mother, who has never liked me and I suspect must have a hand in all this, is insisting too that the girl be allowed to keep the pregnancy and that she would take over the care of the child. She said the deed has been done and that there is nothing we can do about it anymore. 

Agatha, I am so confused. My friends are suggesting that I do it behind my husband’s back. Give her some drugs that would terminate the pregnancy. The thought of my cousin having a child for my husband is more than I can tolerate. Besides, how do I tell her mother and mine? How was I to know that bringing my cousin would cause problems in my home? Even though my husband claimed he forced her into it, shouldn’t she have told me when I came back?

I feel like killing her. Please help me. What do I do? Quit my home for her, which under the present circumstances appears to be the intentions of my mother-in-law, who is maintaining her stance that my cousin be allowed to give birth to the child.

Tolulope.

Dear Tolulope, 

Don’t complicate this situation by involving your mother-in-law in a matter you carelessly created in your home. If you insist on involving your mother-in-law in this matter, you may at the end of the day lose your home to your cousin completely. 

Your husband’s mother may not have liked you from the beginning but under the present situation, she is doing her best to manage an already bad situation. She is clearly not the problem here.

As a mother, there is no way she can support abortion. Offering to take care of the child is her way of ensuring you aren’t constantly reminded of the betrayal of your husband and cousin. She is right, the deed has been done. At four months, you will be sending that girl to her grave if you insist on terminating the pregnancy. Besides, being her first experience, getting pregnant and the attendant commotion that it is all generating, making her go through an abortion may damage her for life. As it is, she has a lot going on through her mind. It is one thing to be out to lure a man into one’s bed, it is another thing to have one’s body defiled by a trusted man. If your husband admits to forcing her into the act, you can imagine her state of mind before the act and after it. To have to carry the physical evidence of that forceful and very shameful act is capable of making a woman who isn’t strong emotionally develop a lifetime psychological problem. 

Painful and embarrassing as the situation is for you, don’t do anything that would further drive this girl emotionally and mentally. In her state, she needs care and love; so do the sensible thing of allowing her go to stay with your mother-in-law. Yes, you may be the one hurting now but this girl is the victim of your own carelessness as a wife and your husband’s inability to control himself. You used this girl to fill and execute your functions as a wife, mother, and caretaker of your home while your husband used her to satisfy his animalistic urges.

Were you around on that night, he wouldn’t have found solace in the arms of this girl. The fact that your official responsibilities kept you away from performing your wifely duties opened the door to this temptation for your husband. In that sense, you are liable for not being there when your husband needed your warmth. 

Granted, today’s women have to work to help keep the family together financially but many of the choices we make come with painful consequences. 

You must, along the line, have taken certain things for granted. For your husband to have wanted you so desperately that night is a signal that you have been neglecting the important aspect of your marriage and womanhood. Had you satisfied him sufficiently before taking off, he may not have been so pressed to do it with your cousin. If he were that promiscuous, it wouldn’t have been just that night. A man whose wife knows her onions wouldn’t exhibit that level of desperation, he would have been able to wait the few days you were away. 

Because of the evidence of what he has done, it is very easy to brand him as the one at fault but if you are truthful and serious about resolving the salient problems within your marriage, you will use this incidence as a springboard for redeeming your marriage from the many issues you have hitherto ignored. 

To help you put things in their proper perspective, do you consider your husband as one whose libido is insatiable? In the years you have known him, married him, has he ever given you reason to regret having him for a husband? How often has he complained about your neglect of him? When travelling for your official assignments, how much time do you devote to him privately? What quality of sex and attention do you give him? 

You see, it is all right for women to argue the point that if women can abstain from sex for a long time, men should be able to too. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case in real life. Men are excited by what they see and with the number of pretty and near nude women parading the streets everyday, many men have more than enough to cope with. a wise woman wouldn’t be so careless to leave her man for long without first making sure he has enough of her to last the period of her stay. 

We know that some men, no matter what their women do to stop them from straying would still stray, but the issue here is for the woman to do her best at all times.

Trust must have made you rely so much on your cousin but again this is the mistake many women make. It is always risky to leave a grown girl in the house alone with one’s man. Anything can happen from the blues. It is within the nature of man to misbehave. 

Don’t listen to your friends. Keep them out of this because their kind of counsel isn’t what you need now.  

Prevail on your mother-in-law and husband to go with you to see your family members. Allow your husband and his mother do all the talking to protect you from unguarded utterances that might further inflame the situation or cause further division within your own family. 

Believe me; the option of your mother-in-law and husband remains the best. 

God will heal you in His own time and season. Don’t for now try to do it on your own. Allow the tears to flow because you have been hurt but don’t allow those tears blind you to the begging issues in your marriage, which this problem has unearthed. Facing them would move your marriage to the next level. Sometimes, issues like this are just God’s way of reminding us of our own follies.

Good luck.

Two Years After Our Wedding Doctors Confirm Us Incompatible…

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the wonderful work you have been doing in the lives of your fellow Nigerians in answering and advising them rightly on different issues. May God Almighty preserve, guide and empower you more for us and your family.

Agatha, please I have been nursing this problem for some time now and do not know what to do or how to go about it, hence my sharing it with you.  

I got married under the native laws and customs two years ago. Unfortunately she hasn’t been able to take in since then. Each time she is about to take in, she develops severe abdominal pains and before we know it, she starts bleeding. It has become frequent with her. 

Since we didn’t know what was causing it all, we recently went for a test, which revealed she has urinary tract infection and high typhoid. But the problem now is that the result also revealed that my genotype and hers are same. We are both AS, though my blood group is (O+) and hers (B).

According to our doctor, it is not medically advised we get married. I didn’t tell her what the doctor said, because I really don’t know how to present the matter to her without causing her emotional problems. To be double sure that the results were correct, I persuaded her that we go for another series of tests to make sure all was well with both of us. The results confirmed what the first tests said.

It has been two years of our staying under one roof and we both love each other dearly. But how do I tell her what the doctor said? Will she not think I want to dump her for another woman since she is unable to get pregnant? I have been keeping it a secret from her. I told my Dad and he said I should give her the result to read or tell her straight away, but I felt that is not right. She might collapse and anything can happen. Please help me out.

Blessed Mike.

Dear Blessed Mike, 

For how long do you intend shielding her from the truth? She will eventually get fed up of her situation and seek answers outside of you. By then trying to explain to her that you have always known about the situation would not be well received by her. 

What you are trying to avoid would eventually happen, it is either she accuses you of being wicked by your act of keeping the information from her or deliberately wasting her time for your selfish purpose. 

Since she is literate, give her the results of the two tests you did. Don’t say anything, just allow her read, assimilate the contents, see and hear her reactions before telling her the implications of what she has just read. If possible, take her back to the doctor for him to personally explain in simple English the implications of both of you coming together in marriage. 

You must make sure she understands the issues involved first. It is the only way she can assist you in looking for workable alternatives. That you are both AS doesn’t automatically mean all your children would be SS. Just as you are likely to have children with SS genotype, so also are you likely to have children with a AA genotype. There is advancement in modern technology that enables doctor know from the first few weeks of conception if the baby is Sickle Cell or not. If detected to be, the foetus is terminated to save the parents the headache of having a Sickle Cell child.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Listening to the doctor’s submission would erase any doubts she may have about your motive.

Besides, if your relationship has always been trust driven, there is no reason for her to suspect you of wanting to dump her. 

However, you must be careful about the options you are presenting to her. Whether you are yet to marry in the church or not, the fact remains that under the law, both of you are married. What you have not done is marry under the marriage act, but under the native and customs laws of our land, your marriage is legal. So, the issue of asking her to go doesn’t arise. As a matter of fact, it shouldn’t be the first option you should be pushing forward. 

Granted, this is a very serious medical problem, but one which requires God given wisdom to tackle. The important thing here is not to make her feel as if she is the problem within the union. It is neither her fault nor yours that you are both AS. Had both of you gone for this important test before marrying, it would have been a different thing. Both of you married in ignorance. This should be clearly understood so she doesn’t feel like the sacrificial lamb.

You are contemplating leaving her because you feel you can have children with another woman with ease. What if the problems were purely yours, that of infertility on your part, would the thoughts of you abandoning her cross your mind?

Honestly, this decision isn’t yours to make alone. It is something you both must discuss extensively. Even if your mind is made up to abscond from the marriage, please give her the opportunity to be involved in the final decision you both make. None of you bargained for this, but since it has happened, a human face to the issue must be sourced, one that will not further hurt the sensibility and vulnerability of both of you, especially your wife who would be worst hit by all these.

It isn’t as if she is infertile, just that you both have a medical reason not together. But the fact remains that both of you are married so nullifies the option the doctor is giving you. In addition to expanding your knowledge more on the issue, go to a teaching hospital nearest to you. Get a referral from your doctor. Teaching hospitals are better equipped in this country to handle issues like this. You will get to know what is expected of both of you should the worst happen and you have a Sickle Cell child. Unlike before when Sickle Cell children were doomed from the beginning, advanced technology has also made management of the condition less stressful. Equipping yourself with modern information on the condition would go a long way in giving you fresh perspective into the whole thing.   

While you pursue the medical options, think of other options you and your wife may want to look at. 

How many children do you both plan to have? Ask the doctor the birth that is most likely to result in Sickle Cell. From this early make up your mind that you and your wife won’t push yourselves beyond your luck. 

There is also the option of adoption if the situation persists. 

It wouldn’t have been a different ball game if you were just boy and girlfriend. But you are both married, which makes it more complex situation to handle. There is no situation true love cannot cope with. 

Should you leave her to marry another wife, what guarantees do you have that this other woman would give you the same quality of happiness as you are having with this woman irrespective of the medical problems you are both facing? What assurances do you have that the other woman would give you children? Ensure all avenues to the problems are critically considered before making a final decision because to rush in a decision now might be an emotional suicide.

Problems are to be solved, in other not to make a mistake you will end up regretting for you the rest of your life, why not take time out to first of all go to God in prayers. Allow His wisdom to direct you on how to go. What you think is a challenge now may not be at the end of the day and what you think is a solution may actually be well of complicating issues. 

Good luck.

Doubting Her Sincerity To Marry Me

Dear Agatha, 

Please, help me once again concerning my teenage sweetheart. Between September last year and December, I was responsible for the provisions of her daily needs. 

Being in Abuja for university education, she request of me to help provide her accommodation since I stay on campus. Although, I promised last year to help her out on this, I later changed my mind, because of what happened between my ex-fiancée and me.

I eventually spoke to a friend of mine who lives in Abuja to help accommodate her for me. He agreed and told me she would live with his sisters. 

When I told her of the arrangement I made, she declined insisting she wanted a place of her own. I then gave her the go ahead to look for a house. Last month she called to say she has gotten an accommodation, and that she wanted to share the place with a friend of hers so they can share the bills equally. 

She sent me a text message days later to inform me that someone else was about renting the house they saw, and so asked if I was still going to help her as promised. I was very angry when I got the text because it was devoid of any romantic sentiments. For all she cares, I could be just another person in her life. I didn’t bother to reply the text message and didn’t call either.  She however called me on Feb 13, to wish me a Happy Valentine. She also requested we chat online. When she came online, I took the opportunity to present her with the package I have in mind for her, a marriage proposal I told her I would be coming back home in Easter to implement. I told her I needed her response since I plan on buying the wedding things before coming back to the country. 

To my shock, she told me marriage is not something we can discuss online that, besides she doesn’t know me, despite the fact that she and I have known each other for 12 years. 

She told me that she asked me for money to get an accommodation, but I refused because I don’t care about her. I was angry and told her that I am now convinced she wants me for the money she can milk from me and not because she cares for me in any way. 

To my dismay, she told me she was ready to refund whatever amount of money I have spent on her. I really don’t know what this woman wants from me. I love her so much, what should I do to have her, Agatha? 

At 32, I need a mother of my children not just a wife. Besides, my mother is desirous I get married.
Worried Anewday.

Dear Worried Anewday,

Why make promises you have no intentions of honouring? Sincerely, it marks you out as someone who isn’t serious and grossly uncaring. The ability to honour one’s promises underscores the worth of that person. That you kept making promises to this woman you knew you had no intentions of keeping is wrong even if you have reasons to doubt her love for you.  The real test of our worthiness as human beings is our ability to keep to our words at all times because the God who created us decreed us into existence as well as the world we live in by the power of words. 

If she is angry due to your inability to keep to the promises you made to her, she has the right to be. At this point, it is not her motive for dating you that is the issue, but that you have failed to make good your promises to her.  For this reason, you are wrong in the sense that you made her hope on something you knew from the beginning you had no intentions of keeping. 

Had you told her from the beginning when she requested you rent a place for her that you are not in the position to do so or won’t do it because of your experiences with your ex, then she would have been wrong to go ahead to look for a place and insist you pay for it. Not only did you make a u-turn, but also attempted to force her into a situation that could have ignited another problem. Asking her to go and live with your friend, someone she doesn’t know instead of the house you promised her wasn’t fair. And when she complained, rather than telling the reason you are foot-dragging on the house issue, you again promised to send her money, which you also didn’t keep. If the truth must be told, there is no way she can be happy with you or ever take serious another promise from you. You may have taken care of her in the past, all these you did because you wanted to and not because of a promise you made to her. 

How is she sure your marriage proposal isn’t another empty promise, one you would again have reasons not to fulfill? 

This is the impression you have to work at clearing from her mind. She must know at every point in the relationship that you are dependable. 

Because of the problems generated by the clumsy way you handled the issue of her accommodation, you should have waited until you came back to discuss the issue of marriage. She is right, things like that don’t get discussed in haste especially as you both live so far apart. 

Knowing each other for 12 years is quite different from knowing if you both have the right kind of quality for marriage. She has to know who you really are, and you know who she really is. Image may be everything for motivational speakers and advertisers, but when it comes relationships and marriages, it takes more than image to make it work. It takes peeling the surface of the package, peeping into the real substance of one’s partner to know if the person is worth spending one’s life with. 

From your story, you and this lady are, at best, familiar strangers. From everything that is happening between the two of you, it is very obvious that you both are holding the wrong end of the stick. You both need time to clear up the misconceptions generated by the house fiasco to be able to move forward. 

Don’t give up on her yet. Yes, her attitude may appear frightening and disappointing to you, but so also is your own attitude.

Resist the temptation of allowing what your former girlfriend did to you influence your current relationship. It would be the greatest mistake and injustice to yourself and this lady, because such negative feeling will never allow you to settle sufficiently into another relationship and give it the necessary boost to work.

Having made up your mind to quit your previous relationships, bury all the memories of what happened between you and your ex. Allow your new girlfriend make her mistakes just as you are susceptible to making yours. These mistakes are what give your relationship character and proper definition. If you are unable to define who both of you are based on these mistakes, it will be difficult to grow your relationship.

Coming back home will give you both the opportunity to study each other, observe some salient points which nobody ever mentions, but are crucial to the overall success of your living together. 

Be honest enough to tell her your misgivings about her as well as your reason for not keeping your promises to rent a house for her. Let her know about your hidden fears, generated in you by your ex. Properly handled by you, she will come to understand you better just as you are also expected to give her the freedom to operate as herself. 

That your mother is expecting you to get married or that at your age, you ought to be married isn’t enough reason for you to take a blind leap into the institution without clearing some basic hurdles that are capable of making your marriage regrettable. 

God never does anything without a reason. Go to God in prayers, because this concerns Him more than you. Without the right woman by your side to compliment your efforts, create the right environment at home for you to function as a man, give the right kind of understanding to make you succeed at your business or career, exercise the right kind of patience to give you confidence as a man even when all the indices are pointing to the opposite, it will be difficult for you to achieve your dreams in life. To this end, you must ask God to point you at the right kind of woman whose passion will be to make you happy even when you are very naughty. She has to be a friend to be able to forgive you anything.

Good luck.

What Can I Do To Win Him Forever?

Dear Agatha, 

I really appreciate the way you solve problems. I am a civil servant in Akwa Ibom State. The man I am dating is also a civil servant. We have been together for sometime now and hoping to get married some day. Although he hasn’t mentioned anything to that effect, but I keep hoping he would ask me to marry him. 

However something happened recently that is giving me cause for concern. I went to his place that night to visit when a text message came into my phone from a man I knew before I met him. Because he was with my phone, he opened the text message to read it. Unfortunately, this man and I had since gone our separate ways following a misunderstanding we had. Besides, I wasn’t so much in love with him. 

In the text, he was apologising and declaring his love for me. 

He became very angry with me after reading the text message and refused to speak with me throughout the night. He also transferred the text message to his home for him to show his parents and friends. 

On Valentine’s Day, I went with some gifts I bought for him to his house, hoping his anger would have abated, but I still met him very angry. Though he collected the items from me, he still wasn’t ready to talk to me and still isn’t talking to me. He is also refusing to call me on phone.

Agatha, I love him very much and would want to marry him, but given the present situation, I don’t know what to do. I need your advice.

Christy.

Dear Christy, 

Precisely when did you and this man stop dating and for how long have you been with your current boyfriend?

The issue with him might not be the text message, but the impression created by the content of the message. Anyone would think you and this man are still dating, and that the issue between both of you is very recent. 

The content of the text didn’t suggest that you have left him for long. This is what you must explain to this man. That a man you claimed to have left long ago sent a message to you, saying you should forgive him that he still loves you, would make anyone wonder at the hint of freshness the message conveys.

This is the issue you must clarify immediately. The contents of the message calls to question your integrity as a woman, dents whatever trust he has in you and until you convince him of your innocence and trust-worthiness, he may not trust you enough to want to have anything to do with you. 

Another issue the text message threw up, which you must quickly address, is that of his place in your life. You must urgently assure him of your unconditional love, letting him know that your relationship with him isn’t a rebound. That the other man’s misbehaviour has nothing to do with the feelings you have for him. That you are with him on account of respect and love you have for him. Because of the way the text message came, he may be under the impression that you are with him on account of the way the other man treated you. By assuring him that he means a lot to you, and that your decision to enter into a relationship with him isn’t because the other man treated you badly, would go along way in also salvaging the situation between the two of you. 

Since he is refusing to talk to you, look for a mutual friend, one he respects, to accompany you to go and plead with him for a listening ear. The important thing now is for him to give you the chance to explain what truly happened. 

However, before you go all out to beg for understanding, it is essential you know what you really want from life. Is this man your dream man? Do you see yourself happy with him for the rest of your life? Are you with him because you are desperate to marry? What about the other man? What do you really feel for him? When issue like this happens, it is imperative, you understudy yourself with a view of taking an honest decision concerning which of these men is capable of making a good husband. Often times, God works in ways we don’t understand and appreciate. So go to Him and ask through prayers first to know the right thing to do.

By studying the two men with the honesty it deserves, you will be able to make the right choice. The bottom line is for you to be very honest with your feelings, dealings and choice. 

Good luck. 

She’s Pregnant, But I Love Another Lady

 Dear Agatha, 

I am 22 years of old while my girlfriend is 17. I am in my second year at the university while she is has just finished her secondary school education. Our relationship is just five months old. I really like her but wasn’t planning anything serious with her.

However, she came back recently to inform me that she is pregnant by me. Unfortunately for me, it was her mother that discovered the pregnancy hence we couldn’t hide or do anything about it. 

Now my parents are forcing me to marry her; have gone to pacify her parents by paying the bride price to give them access to the child. Besides, being their first son, they won’t support me to throw away my first child in life. They have even agreed to sponsor her education once she gives birth. As far as I’m concerned the girl is a gold-digger.

All pleas to them that I may not be responsible or that I am too young to marry fell on deaf ears. 

All my friends are making fun of me and I am beginning to hate her for trying to make me take responsibility for something I am not prepared to. 

Besides this, there is this girl I am really interested in, in my class. She has all the sophistication that this other girl doesn’t have. To me this is very important.

Please, how do I convince my parents that I am too young to become a father and get this girl to agree to terminate the pregnancy?

I urgently need your help.

Worried Boy.

Dear Worried Boy, 

Gold-digger or not, she didn’t force you to sleep with her; you did! You didn’t know you were too young when you decided to sleep with her? You didn’t consider the fact that she lacks the sophistication of your kind when you impregnated her? If you didn’t want to be a father, how come you didn’t protect yourself against this kind of incident by wearing a condom? 

Your parents are right to insist you do the right thing by marrying her. If you are old enough to look at a woman’s backside and going the mile of sleeping with her, you should be old enough to live with the consequences of doing so. In your case, be prepared not just for the challenges of being married, but of being a father as well. 

Whether you like it or not, you have a wife who is expecting your child so the issue of going after your sophisticated girlfriend doesn’t arise any more. You will only be complicating things for yourself by getting involved with another woman because she too could get pregnant and would make you husband to two women. 

So be careful of the excitements your desires are inciting in you to prevent a fate worse than the one you are complaining of.

As a matter of fact, you should consider yourself lucky to have such understanding parents who are willing to take responsibility for your acts. Other parents would have allowed you suffer the challenge of providing for the mother and child. 

You should count yourself lucky because your parents weren’t there when you decided to sleep with this girl and could easily have denied you and this girl. Reciprocate this gesture by learning to be responsible.

If this girl were your sister, would you allow any man to treat her, the way you are doing to her? Would you support she terminates a baby at her age? What if something happens to her or her womb? At whose cost would that be? Your parents that agreed to accept her and the child are no fools. They see so many things you are limited by your wisdom and age to see. What if this child happens to be the only one in your life and it is terminated? 

Doubtless, it is coming as a shock to you but at least you are five years older than this girl who at 17 is already going to be a mother. Do you know what it is like for her? You are not the one with the bulge, announcing the evidence of her lost innocence, of an act the two of you did; she is the one who has to carry the shame of your premature act, endure the condemnation and has to put her life on hold at least until she gives birth to your child. 

She is the one who has to permanently carry the emblem of motherhood in and on her body. This is the time she needs you, even if for the sake of that moment, you were intimate with her. What do you think would be going on inside her head when her mates are resuming into universities  and polytechnics when a new academic sessions starts? How do you think when her mates are discussing boyfriends, parties and she is talking about baby food and nappies?

You have a right to be disappointed at what life is presenting, but even in your disappointment, learn to be objective and mature about it. Learn to be considerate for the woman who is at the receiving end of it all. Also learn to be alive to your responsibility to your unborn child. Always bear in mind that one day, that child would become your pride as a man. These same friends who are today laughing at you would one day envy the circumstances that gave you this child so early in life

God gave you this child for a purpose. What today may appear as an embarrassment would tomorrow become a thing of joy. At any rate, once the child is born, every one would forget how it came about and move on to taking care of it. 

Just relax and allow the days help you get over the shock as well as prepare you for the challenges of being a father and husband. 

Good luck. 

has brought her way?

Do you think your family would support you to help her appreciate the beauty in your own religion by not opposing her on account of her religion?

Unless you are determined on what you want, know the challenges ahead and prepared to tackle them with as much openness as the problems demand, what starts out as being good may end up being not too good. 

In addition to what you want, you should also go to God to ask what His intentions are for you through prayers.

Good luck. 

My Mum Is Sleeping With Her Driver

Dear Agatha, 

There is this problem in my family, which I can’t handle alone and worst still; I can’t share it with anybody for fear of what it will do to my parents. 

I found out that my mother is sleeping with her driver. I caught them in the act when I came home suddenly from school without informing anybody. I wasn’t feeling fine and since I wasn’t getting better, my roommates suggested I came home for proper treatment. I didn’t tell my parents because I haven’t always been the strong kind. My father, who was ever protective of me would rush to school assuming it was one of my many crises.

Being a while I have had my crisis, I didn’t want to bother them unduly especially as I suspected it could be typhoid since I had all the symptoms. It was something I could have handled myself being a medical student but I guess it was just an excuse to leave campus for home even if it was just for the weekend.

My mother’s car wasn’t parked in the usual place so I assumed she wasn’t in. 

Perhaps I wouldn’t have noticed if they didn’t use my room as their love-nest. 

The shock of seeing my mother in such an intimate position was enough upset on its own but discovering the identity of her partner was more than I could tolerate. 

My screams brought the gateman rushing into the house but I quickly recovered enough to lie that I fell. 

I didn’t bother to wait for my mother and the driver to get decent before storming out of the house back to school; my reason for going home forgotten. 

It has been six months since I spoke with my mother or allowed her near me. My father is worried and is beginning to ask me questions on why I am refusing to come home. My mother has kept sending messages of plea for forgiveness but how can I forgive her? Get the picture of her naked body under her driver out of my mind? Will I be able to look her in the face and call her mother?

I am actually writing you on my sickbed. In the last couple of months my health has taken a worst turn, enough to make my elder brother who resides abroad to come home. Everybody is worried about me but I just can’t open up to what the actual sickness is. 

Please help me. I don’t want to die. How do I handle the situation without hurting my father? My mother until that episode was one of the most responsible women I know; who took seriously her marital vows. Despite my closeness and love for my father, he is the one who has his eyes outside his home as I have repeatedly seen him with different women but my mother? I still can’t believe she did what I saw her doing.

Laura.

Dear Laura, 

First is the urgent issue of your health. Bottling it up, refusing to talk about it or forgive your mother would only make your health condition worse. 

Six months is a long time to hold back so much inside of you, especially as you don’t enjoy the best kind of health. At the stage you are in now, you need to make peace with everybody. 

Despicable as your mother’s act is, please do find it in your heart to forgive her. Your mother’s condemnation or judgment isn’t within your powers to make; you didn’t create her, nor are you her husband. Allow God to do His work, pass His judgment while you do yours of calling her and asking her what made her do it as well as the kind of examples she is setting for her children. 

Your line of questioning and attitude is enough condemnation for her; enough agony on its own. To have you witness her shame is enough judgment. 

You will achieve nothing by telling your father about it but would have done a lot for their marriage if you are able to have a frank talk with your mother. Call her alone and hear what she has to say about the episode you witnessed. Demand to know when it all started, her reasons and what she intends doing with the relationship.

Though, nothing can justify sleeping with her driver or any other man while she is still legally married to your father, knowing her reasons may help give an insight into the state of marriage of your parents. 

If she isn’t the promiscuous type like you rightly observed, then something your father did may have pushed her to the limits. While I maintain it isn’t an excuse but you must understand many of the dynamism at work in your parents’ marriage. 

What you saw may be the end product of so many years of pains and endurance; of disappointment and rejection and silent torture from your father. The fact that you caught her sleeping with the driver, someone who works for her, below her class, tells of a level of frustration. 

If the incident you witnessed is the end product of several years of emotional agony, you won’t be doing both of them any good if you keep ignoring your mother. Your mother is as guilty as your father so if you are able to forgive your father of his many strays, you must be able to forgive your mother too. Whatever offence your mother is guilty of in your moral court is what your father has always been guilty of. 

That she is a woman doesn’t make her guiltier than your father. In God’s reckoning they are both guilty of the same offence. One of the major laws of marriage is faithfulness to one’s spouse. The fact that you father appears to be the one that broke the laws first, his conduct might not be unconnected with your mother’s behaviour. 

Whatever the problems are, urge her to tell you. Assure her that you are over your condemnation and are now set to help her overcome whatever the issues are with her marriage. 

Because God has given the assignment of restoring sanity into your parents’ marriage make sure you do it without bias. But before agreeing to talk to your mother, make her promise to stop her affair with her driver as well as a promise that she will never do it again with another man. 

Carefully take mental notes of what the real issues are and bring them up with your father without telling him about your mother’s affair. 

You could use your health condition to extract a promise from your father to stay faithful to your mother. Make it appear that your worsening health situation has to do with the salient issue of his unfaithfulness to his wife. Ask him how he would feel if his wife were the one playing around with other men? Such pointed questions would help him think deeply about the harm he is doing to his marriage.

The fact that two of them are still willing to go on with the marriage underscores hope, so, aid them with prayers and never forget to make them realise that they have something good to look forward to through their children.

 

Good luck. 

My Wife Sloshes In Sex Scandal Among My Friends…

Dear Agatha,

I have been living with my partner for about 13 years now. After all these years of being together, we would have been expected to settle down firmly into the relationship by now. Unfortunately, we are still embroiled in different kinds of crisis, the major one being the opinion of my friends who think I shouldn’t have married her after she has slept with three of them.

What makes this particularly unpleasant for me is the fact that they said it openly to her face.  

The first time I began to suspect her was when I travelled abroad. On my return, I discovered an unusual closeness between her and one of my friends. When I voiced my discomfort at their closeness, she assured me he was only trying to make her not to feel my absence too much. I believed him only to discover a letter he wrote to her, ending it with “I love you”. When I confronted her with this letter, she denied the existence of such a letter.

 I got suspicious of the second guy when a younger friend of his came to our house to ask from my wife, whether she was hearing from him, when I should be the one they should ask this question. From that incident, I knew they wanted to pass a message across. Alert me to what was happening between my wife and this man.  

 The third guy incidentally is the friend of the second guy. I actually met him through this friend of mine. According to my partner, the guy who is also a student in the same school as my wife came to her room one afternoon and slept off after she gave him food. She said, he appeared tired but people living in the same hostel with her who found him asleep in her room read the wrong thing into the whole situation.

Agatha, I have been suspecting her since I discovered that she had told a lie about being a virgin. She told me her former boyfriend tried to deflower her, but since she didn’t feel him penetrate her or see the telltale sign of blood, she believed she was.

 Please, advise me on what to do, because each time my friends taunt me with this, I always feel less than a man. For days I will never be myself and it affects the way I treat her and the children. I have repeatedly demanded she tells me the truth, but she keeps denying all the allegations. I don’t understand what is happening. Why would my friends say all these things if the allegations were indeed bunch of lies?

Segun.

Dear Segun, 

You have been with this woman for 13 years. What do you know about her, something nobody else does about her? Can you be categorical of in her behaviour, disposition and attitudes?

You two are having this major issue in your marriage, because you both didn’t bother to put in place the right structures before jumping into marriage.

If both of you have lived together for 13 years, you should be able to know if what your friends are saying about your wife are correct or wrong. 

At any rate, what types of friends do you surround yourself with? And what type of friend are you too? Are you the only one who is married? What sorts of company did you all keep? Are you the major financier of the group in which case, they see your woman’s presence in the scene as inimical to the confraternity? How come after 13 years of marriage, you still surround yourself with men who from all indications are no better than secondary school boys on their first ego trip?

There is an adage I am sure you are familiar with, ‘show me your friends and I will tell you who you are.’ The fact that all your friends seem to be sleeping with your wife and making public shows of it, you too should look well at your backyard for clues. No matter what, there should have been a friend among the whole lot of them, who would defend the honour of your home and marriage. That they are all united in daunting you of their visits to your wife’s bed, calls to question your own integrity as a friend and person. 

It also points at a previously unresolved issue between you and these friends who may have met behind you to pay you back in your own coin. 

Take a trip down memory lane, did you at anytime hurt anyone of them by taking a woman who should have, by right, gone to another person? Did any of them indicate interest in her before you? How would you score yourself as friend? Devoted or fair weather who takes without giving? If these friends are united against you, a self-appraisal will help you situate the situation between you and your wife. It has to be honest for you to understand the motive of your friends as well as their determination to ensure you drive this woman away.

One question you must also answer as sincerely as possible is why you are still in the company of these friends? What value are they adding to your life as a married man and father? Who among them is married? What is your relationship with their wives? Frankly, if your were good friends, they would, no matter how morally bankrupt your wife may be, resist any attempt at sleeping with her because of the regard they have for you. For them to admit to sleeping with her, writing her love letters, going to her room to sleep on her bed in a hostel where they know she is married shows a motive deeper than what you think. 

While I am not saying your wife is innocent, there is the need for you to be very careful on this issue. If your wife is saying she didn’t do any of these things, ask yourself what sort of friends sleep with the wife of their friend and still feel no shame in bragging about it?

Sincerely, I think you are better off without these kinds of people hanging around you and your woman. Even if she is guilty of all they said she did, telling you what they did with your wife underscores your need to be wary of their intentions. Friendship is about loyalty, respect and trust. Clearly, these lots don’t have loyalty to you, lack respect for your person and are all out to humiliate your manhood. If you are not careful, by the time they finish with you, they would have succeeded in destroying anything that is important to you. 

Distant yourself from them because it is the only way you can tell if your wife is indeed truthful to you or not. 

By secluding yourself from them, you will be able to study your wife without the influences or persuasion of the so-called friends. It is very important you get to know the kind of woman you are married to. It is obvious both of you are miles apart. If indeed true she is having all these relationships with your friends, you have a right to know why she is doing it. Irrespective of what your decisions would be at the end of the day, knowing would help make a lot of things clearer as well as point you at your own deficiencies too both as a man and husband. 

The real issue here is beyond the affairs she is having with your friends. It is more of the values you both presented on the day you met as well as got married. 

What values do you have as a man? Our values in life comprise of the kinds of friends we keep, the kinds of clothes we wear, environment we live, where we go and what we discuss. These are what influence our ways of thinking and mould us to be who we are. You must know what your values are to determine what your elasticity level of tolerance would be. As it is now, you can’t be sure if all they are saying about her is the truth. Until you seclude yourself and family from them, and act as the married man that you are, you may not know where this huge smoke is coming from.

If the motives of your friends were to break you and your woman up, they would stop at nothing to turn an innocent act, on her part, against her. Feeding and allowing a tired friend of yours to sleep in room isn’t out of place, after all it was in the afternoon and they were not in the bed together. She did what any good wife would have done in similar situation for a true friend of her husband. 

Whatever happens at the end of the day always put the interest of those children first. Don’t be hasty in coming to a judgement unless you have unquestionable evidences of your own to avoid regrets that come from unfair accusations. Wisdom demands you should not condemn her on account of what these people are saying, because they lack the credibility to judge or make major decisions for you. 

Good luck. 

She Still Takes Me For Casanova I Was Before…

Dear Agatha,

I have a girlfriend who doesn’t trust me on the basis of my past life as a Casanova. She actually met me as one, but I have since changed. She is so jealous that she doesn’t want any woman near me. She lacks respect for me, keeps malice, embarrasses me irrespective of where we are, shouts at me at the top of her voice, denies me food in my own house, listens to gossips, believes anything she hears about me without demanding for explanation from me and sleeps outside my home when she is upset with me.

There is no week we don’t quarrel over one issue or the other. She gets upset unnecessarily. I have taken steps to stop all the other girls who used to come to my house from coming since I met her. I have also taken her to see my parents as the woman I want to settle down with. 

I had planned to marry her last Christmas, but told her she has to stop all those upsetting things, yet it appears she can’t. On December 31 and January 1, we again quarrelled. She actually told me, as is her manner that she wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore. Like all those other times, she came back to beg for forgiveness. This is about the fourth time she is doing it. 

She keeps doing this because she knows I love her. I have just concluded my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I am getting fed up with the whole thing. 

Do you think I should continue with her or end the relationship to enable me begin something new with another lady? 

Agatha, I love her so much, but it is so painful that she prefers to live with my past when I have done everything since I met her to demonstrate my love and loyalty to her. I want to marry two years from, because I know AIDS is real. 

Santox.

Dear Sandox, 

Have you sat her down, trying to talk to her? Get to know something about her past relationships that are giving her so much insecurity? What makes her think you are still the person you were when she met you? Are you sure that none of the girls you once dated isn’t sponsoring people around her to give her false information about you?

Ending it should not be the first option. Rather, see how you can win her trust. 

When issues like this come up, it is always best to sit the other person down for more discussion. Because you love her, you must find a way of getting around the problem of reconciling your present with your past. Let her know that much of her attitude is hurting you as well as the options you are contemplating taking. Also make it very clear to her that after this talk, you may not be disposed towards explaining your past to her again, or take her back when she decides to leave you this time. 

By making her realise that being in love so much with her doesn’t leave you without options, including ending this relationship and starting all over again with a woman who trusts and respects you. 

You must make her know that you are tired of the many series of embarrassment. In sitting her down for this discussion, don’t be afraid of making her see your anger and despair at her attitude. Also make her see your resolution at ending the relationship if she continues in her present manner. Making her know that you have nothing to lose by ending the relationship while she, on the other hand, has more to lose if you decide to walk away. Don’t ever allow her escape with the impression that your love for her leaves you helpless. 

Let her know there is nothing you can do to change your past life, but that you are pleading with her to allow you show her the new you. If after this talk she persists in embarrassing you at will, then you may have to consider the option of ending the relationship, because it means she would find it extremely difficult to forgive you if there is a real need for her to. Relationship lacking in trust and respect may not be able to stand the test of time.

It could just be God’s way of showcasing your incompatibility as a couple. Yes, you may really love her, but without friendship, mutual trust, respect, loyalty and sacrifice, the entire process could turn nasty. Therefore you have to go to God through prayers to be really sure of what you are up to and the way out.

Like everyman, you need the support and respect of the woman you intend spending your life with if you want to succeed in life. In a situation where the woman you intend to marry does as she likes, sleeps outside your home whenever upset, denies you food, embarrasses you at will, then you must take quality time out to reflect on what you really want. Love without peace and respect is like an empty shell of fish at the seaside. 

At this point, you really don’t have anything to fear. It is either both of you make up your minds to have a workable relationship or go your different ways. This is the point where you talk reality and not love. 

Good luck.