Get Two Girls, Don’t Know Who To Take Home…

Dear Agatha,
I must say you are just good at what you do. I would like you to advise me on what to do. Im a 33-year old man who has been in a relationship with this particular lady for almost 10 years. We have not had sex, but sometimes we hug and kiss. I have refused to pressure her into sleeping with me and I really don’t mind.

I sometimes help her financially. But something tells me she isn’t taking me serious. I say this because she seldom keeps to whatever promise she makes. Most times, she would promise to come and visit me. I would end up waiting for her indefinitely and to make matters worse won’t even bother to call to explain her reasons for standing me up. It hurts so much as I must have given up my appointments for the day to wait for her. If I don’t call her, she won’t bother to call. All she does is to beep, and she does this if I also refuse to call her for a long time. 

When we are together, I take her to places she likes, just to make her happy. Although she likes the good things of life, the fact that she endured hardship with me when I didn’t have is one of the reasons I have stayed with her for this long because her attitude is a huge minus. 

Recently, my car tumbled three times luckily for me, I didn’t sustain any serious injury. When I called to tell her what had happened, she did not take it seriously, she thought I was joking and didn’t make any effort to see me despite living just 45 minutes drive away from where I live. She did not even call for over a month, then I stopped calling her. Sometimes she would beep, but I always ignore her prompting her to call, on a certain to inform me of her visit to my place on a day she claimed she called me but didn’t pick her call. I told her she was the problem we were having in the relationship. She decided not say anything about that.
There is this other lady I got to know when I attended a wedding. I will be honest with you that we talked for a while and exchanged numbers. Since then, she has been sending me beautiful messages, and frankly, I am beginning to fall in love with her. She calls me more often than I do. She has never asked me for a dime, but if I buy her a present she accepts. When I had the accident she was calling me two times a day to know how I was doing. I have known her for almost two years now, and have not seen a fault in her. I have limited myself to just hugs and kisses with her too. The only thing I have observed about her is that she is quiet, but does not want herself to be taken advantage of. 

She is very definite about what she wants. Unlike the first girl who refuses to enter my kitchen and more interested in what she will take from my house, the second one cooks for me. Both of them are fun to be with, I can’t say if they have other men, because I don’t want to think about it, else feel bad.

I don’t play games and don’t keep more than one lady at a time, so what do you think I should do?
Brandom.

Dear Brandom, 

If you don’t play games, then what are you doing with two women in your life? The fact that you aren’t bothered if any of them have other boyfriend shows that you are far from being honest with yourself and these women. If you are really into any of these women, you should care about their movements and relationship with other men. Your feelings for them should make you want to protect your territory. The fact that you claim not to care is an indication that there are so many missing pieces in your story. Precisely, what are the real issues?

That you are not sleeping with them doesn’t make you less guilty of double dating. The major rule of a relationship is faithfulness. For you to accuse your first girlfriend of any wrong doing, you must be free of any blame.

Frankly speaking, for you to be happy in the choice you have made, learn to be honest with yourself and the woman you end up with. If you dated the first woman for 10 years, without sleeping with her, she must understand your reasons at every interval and must be in agreement with you on it. Whatever your religious inclinations are, not asking her once for sex at the age of 33 would make most women wonder what the problem really is. If you are in the habit of kissing and hugging, the human nature especially of the man is wired to demand for sex at such close proximity. Often, it is the woman who fights off such advances. That you haven’t ever given her any reason to fight you off in the 10 years you have dated her might be one of the reasons she isn’t taking you serious, behaving indifferently to you. 

Commendable as your decisions to stay celibate, for it to make sense and be appreciated by the person you are in a relationship with, your true reasons have to be placed face up on the table at all times. You also have to continuously ensure your partner is in agreement with your reasons to ensure harmony in the relationship. 

When the woman you have dated for 10 years started misbehaving, giving you the impression that you are unserious with the whole purpose of the relationship, what did you do? Did you call her to find out what the problems are? Discussed your reasons for certain things you insist on as well as re-request her approval? The dynamism of change is such that we are constantly changing in our attitudes and thoughts.

If ten years ago, she agreed to dance your way, it doesn’t mean she would continue to dance to your tune a decade after. By now she should know where the relationship is headed for, something to tell her friends and family who naturally would be putting pressures on her to get serious. 

Having invested 10 years of her life on you, she is entitled to the truth concerning your person and attitudes. If all she is getting from you are signs of being unserious, she would naturally assume you are playing with her emotions and taking her for a fool. The fact that at the initial stage of your relationship, she was willing to endure the period of lack with you shows she had faith in you, but could have been influenced to change along the line by the signals she was getting from you. 

For her not to have come to see you after your accident underscore the presence of a more fundamental issue than you think. Ten years isn’t ten days. It is either she has completely lost interest in you and the relationship or protest against something you also did to her. It is very important you find out what her reasons are. It could also be she found out that you have been cheating on her.

Granted, she may not be a perfect person, but exonerate yourself from all these by calling her for a heart to heart talk. Going out with the other girl isn’t a solution to whatever issues you and your first girlfriend had. 

So sit her down and dialogue with her. Let her know your challenges and she yours. If you have made up your mind to end the relationship, at least tell her instead of leading her on, while you are keeping another relationship on the waiting. At this stage, it is essential you tell her everything you have against her, like her refusal to cook for you, call or even send you a text message. 

If you both had been able to take advantage of the no-sex thing to build your relationship on solid values, you both should be able to talk openly about the challenges you are facing without disturbing the foundation of your relationship. 

And if deep in your mind you know, moving on is the best thing for you, be forthright and let her know you have qualities she lacks in another woman. Make sure you end one relationship before going into another one to avoid the risk of losing the woman you may discover is the one woman who means the whole world to you. 

To avoid the problem of your past, ensure you properly discuss the issue of your celibacy with your partner, get her understanding by ensuring she appreciates your reason for it. 

It would also be very important she knows about your past, whether the decision to stay off sex came after some experiences or something you vowed to do from an early age. The woman in your life must from the beginning know the nature of the challenge is likely to face on her wedding night. You must also give her an idea of where the relationship is headed for to prevent the relationship going stale.

And unless you have a clear vision of where you are going to, you won’t be able to carry anybody along.

Good luck.

Can’t Love Fetch Jobless Man Good Girl?

Dear Agatha, 

The good Lord will continue to enrich you with wisdom as you continue to shoulder other people’s burden.
My problem has to do with my status as a job applicant. I am a young man of 27 years of age. I am from the eastern part of the country, but reside in Lagos.
I was in a relationship for five years with a lady I met while in school. I loved her so much that I always take her back even when I know she has been with other men. 

I knew it wasn’t that she didn’t love me, but was dating other men because she felt I still had a long way to go. Being schoolmates she felt after graduation, I would still have to serve the nation, search for a job, save some money before I would be ready to take on the responsibility of caring for a family. Besides, her parents, according to her, were already mounting pressure on her to settle down. She also told me that a man had already paid her bride price without her consent to a man that has the support of her parents. 

But for the grace of God, I wouldn’t have been among those who graduated because I almost lost my mind at the time.  You can therefore imagine my pains when she later confessed that all she told me were lies.  

In school, we were recognised by different bodies and organisations as best couple, which included the Student Union Government, my faculty, and department. We were the envy of everybody on campus so much so every couple desired to be like us. 

It was so funny because these people didn’t know what I was coping with in the relationship or going through in her hands. In her own way she showed me love and could be good when she wants to. 

At the moment, she is in one of the states in the Northern part of Nigeria for her National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). She has stop calling, doesn’t return my calls or text, and when she picks my calls, talks to me as if I’m a stranger. 

At the moment, it is not easy hooking up with another woman, because the moment they realise I don’t have a job they start behaving funny. Some will say they aren’t interested anymore while others don’t even bother to give any reason. This is the cross I have been carrying, because I don’t have a job.
I have actually been applying, spend most of my time surfing the Internet and praying to God! I have written series of aptitude tests. I studied Mathematics and Computer Science. Is there anyone who can employ me?
Agatha, can I still find a lady who can actually take me for who I am?
Interested ladies can reach me on 08068579633 or 07070999249 or E-mail: judenex@yahoo.com
Fred.

Dear Fred,

Life is all about perseverance. Good things don’t come easy in life most times it takes patience to get to one’s goal. 

Your life with your ex is a closed chapter. Leave it in the past and move on. From her attitude she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you anymore, wants to move on and I think you should take your cue from her. 

Granted her reasons appear cold-blooded, but the truth remains that when a man dates a woman who is his classmate, their chances of getting married is dicey for the very reasons she gave you. 

By the time she is ready to settle down, you will not be ready at all, because as a man, there are certain structures you must put in place to enjoy your marriage. 

When a woman is ready for marriage, love isn’t the only thing that matters to her, such things as the viability of the man comes to play. Except in very rare cases where the lady is really in love and ready to endure so many things with the man, in majority of cases, especially in contemporary societies, the man must first show a proof of his ability to care for a wife and child. At least to assure his in-laws of their daughter’s wellbeing that she isn’t going to suffer.  

A man must always be in a position to provide for his wife, no matter how small. At the end of the day, it is what earns him his respect as the head of his home.

There is no contesting the fact that a lot of these girls are rejecting you on account of your present status, but it also depends on the quality of women you are concentrating on. If these women fall within the age groups of those who are desperate to marry, in your present state, you don’t have anything to offer them. Hence would continue to reject you on account of this. But if they are younger with longer on the shelf lifespan, you are more likely to enjoy better reception from them. 

 At any rate, none of these women is yours. When the right woman comes your way, she would stay irrespective of what your social status is. 

Whatever you do, continue to trust God that He knows what is best for you and would at the end of the day, make things work for you. 

Good luck. 

She Doesn’t Pick My Calls

 Dear Agatha, 

 I read your advice whenever I come into contact with the Independent Newapapers titles. There’s this girl I have been seeing for the past six months. Though we appear very close but in the real sense of it we aren’t as close as I would like us to be.

She’ll not pick my calls and is always in the habit of transferring her anger to me whenever she is provoked by someone else. Recently, I was at home sleeping when she left for a party. 

Don’t know what to do about her.

Martins.

Dear Martins, 

Take each day as it comes. You are both just beginning to discover the content inside the package. What you have been dating in the last six months is the package which you obviously fell in love with. 

Whatever you feel for her will have to go through distilling through the process of knowing her content to help you probably gauge your true feelings for her. 

At this stage, you must be honest and practical. It is the stage initial attraction gives way to reality; to sacrifices and choices; now that you are getting to know the stuff she is made of, do you think you can cope with her through the rest of your life? Do you still consider her packaging as being attractive or just a smokescreen to conceal the ugliness you now find her to be?

In critiquing her be mature enough to admit to your own limitations because we each come with factory-made defects and manuals we are often too lazy to read until we become too set to do anything about self- reformation. 

To appreciate her kind of person, you must have willingness to make things work for you and around you. The success of this relationship would depend on the passion you are ready to invest in it. If you are the kind that is unwilling to do some sorts of investments, you may never really get the kind of woman you want.

Now that you know she has an insensitive temper, one that doesn’t discriminate who gets her venom, do you love her enough to stay around and make her see the harm she is doing to herself as well as the pains she is causing to people who really love her by her habit of transferring aggression to others?

She may not know how deep her attitude is hurting others around her, but your determination could help her just as it would help her learn to put the interest of others before hers.

If you intend having anything permanent with her, begin now to reject those things you will not and never tolerate from her. Don’t allow fear of losing her prevent you from putting your foot down where necessary. Leaving you at home and attending a party isn’t right. The earlier you told her those things you cannot tolerate the better for both of you.

If after all this, she persists in her behaviour, it might be best you take your leave of the relationship to prevent the greater calamity of going through a bitter divorce.

Good luck.

Can You Get Me A Good Girl?

 Dear Agatha, 

Very big thanks for all the good work you have been doing. May the good Lord shower His blessings on you especially in this New Year.

I am in my final year in school, but finds it really hard to keep a girl as I very much believe that every girl has a price, and since then clubbing, partying and using girls have all been an integral part of me; a habit I really want to stop since I have got to that point in my life when I really want to settle down with a good and responsible girl.

Can you hook me up with anyone? My number is 08064866626.

Bright.

Dear Bright, 

In the first place, I don’t run a harem, so I don’t have anyone I can hook you up with. But beyond that is the issue of your attitude to women. It is not just enough waking up and believing that you have got to a stage in life when you require a responsible woman in your life. 

Relationship is more than that. You have to learn first to be responsible to be able to recognise it in another person because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Therefore you must first clear your act before thinking of settling down with a woman.

Because you have had so many women in your life; your perception of responsibility may be different from the definition of others so, the first thing is to get your priorities right. In your mind, what constitutes responsibility? How would you know a woman who is responsible judging from the fact that you lack the experience to deal with one?

You have to know what responsibility means to you first and foremost to guard against you hurting any woman who comes into your life now. Have you given up all the partying and clubbing? What about all the other girls you have used? Are they still part of your life? To keep a responsible lady by your side, you must begin by giving up your old habits. There is no way a woman would take you very seriously in your present state. 

To make your relationship with any woman coming into your life now work, there are certain vital steps you must take; the most important being; changing of your social orientation completely. For your sake and that of the woman; you must be willing to make sacrifices. It is the level of your sacrifices that will determine how compatible you and your new woman would be. 

She will definitely make her own sacrifices, but the most must come from you, else you may not get the right motivation from your woman. What most men don’t know is that in majority of the cases, women get their lead from men. If a woman discovers her man to be the irresponsible type, the kind who doesn’t care, no matter how much she tries, overtime too, she will begin an unconscious process of protecting herself from pains and disappointments by putting up defensive walls around herself. This is why as the head of the relationship; you must provide her with the right kind of leadership to keep her happy and functional. 

It is only after you have done this that you recognise a responsible woman; one you will want to spend the rest of your life with.

Good luck.

 

I Want To Marry A Married Man

Dear Agatha, 

I am 25 years old and ripe enough for marriage. I have always prayed for a good, lovely, God fearing and caring husband, a man who will love me unconditionally. My mother had always warned me against getting involved with another woman’s husband. As a matter of fact, she said it was the only way my prayers would be answered. 

Some months after my discussion with my mother, I came across this guy who is caring, loving and handsome, though he is not rich, he is okay and has a future. I won’t say he is God fearing because I later discovered he has a wife. 

I only got to know about the wife when she called me to warn me to stay away from her man. I was confused because he never mentioned having a wife and child. When I asked him, he at first denied but later admitted when he realized that I was determined at getting to the bottom of the matter. It was at that point he told me about the lack of peace in his home; that the woman pretended to be good until they got married. 

I feel for that woman but I happen to be in love with this guy who is the first real love of my life. As a matter of fact, he deflowered me.

Agatha, even though I made a vow not to marry a married man, this man is desperate to marry another woman, which means, if I decline, he would still marry another woman. If he marries another woman, his wife would suffer.  

Worried Lady.

Dear Worried Lady, 

The position you have found yourself in is very unfortunate. In the first place this man lacks the credentials to be truthful to any woman. That he is having issues with his wife isn’t a good enough reason for him to lie to you about his marital status. If he can deceive you into dating him and giving him the pride of your womanhood, he is also capable of lying about the nature of his wife. 

At any rate, when did engaging in an affair become the panacea to troubled marriages? It has never been and will never be a solution. Rather, it only complicates the entire situation just like he has created complications for you in your own life as well as in his own marriage. Who would be happy knowing that her man is cheating on her? Not many women have the tolerance to accommodate and deal with the knowledge of their husband’s infidelity. It takes a special kind of grace for a woman not to react with violence. 

Had he told you the truth from the beginning, you would have at least known what you were going into but his lies forced you into a situation you ordinarily wouldn’t have been involved in. This could also be the situation with the wife at home. While it is true some women do overdo things at times but given the little knowledge you have of this man, he appears to be looking for an excuse to mask his behaviour. 

Honestly, there is nothing you can do to help someone who is unwilling to own up to the truth about himself. First, he must be sincere in telling you what the real issues are with his marriage instead of heaping all the blame on his wife. What are his contributions to the current behaviour of his wife? How did they both get to this point? Has she always been like that? Are you his first extramarital affair? What sort of husband and father is he?

If he is irresponsible and dishonest, there is no way his wife will not complain or make trouble at home. It would be unnatural for her to keep quiet if her husband is failing in his responsibilities at home? In her shoes, you and I would probably do the same thing. If this is what he classifies as being the fault of his wife, then he isn’t being fair to her. What story would you be telling if he had gotten you pregnant the first time he slept with you? How would he have expected you to behave when the truth about his marital status came in the open? Applaud him and celebrate the lies he told you? Would he be right to call you a nag and a problem to him? There is something he must have done to make his home uncomfortable; that is if he is telling the truth.

At any rate, if he is tired of the marriage, he should be bold enough to say so and begin the process of ending it. It is the least he can do; not migrate from one woman to the other simply because he is looking for a reason to hurt the wife the way he thinks the wife has hurt him. 

What if the new woman turns out to be worse than his current wife, would he also leave her in limbo and go for another woman?

If you really want to stay around this man to help him focus more on his wife and marriage, you must ensure you stifle every emotional feeling you have for him. Dating him when you didn’t know he has a family is one thing, sleeping with him now that you know would be totally wrong and unfair to this woman you say you want to help.

Even if he is determined to end the marriage, resist being used as a tool to achieve his aim. By letting him know what your new position is to the relationship, you set the records straight as well as define what your new position would be in his life – that of a concerned friend determined to help him find the happiness he is longing for in the arms of other women.

To do this, you must understand his nature. Get him to talk about his childhood and person. It is also pertinent you get him to talk about his relationship with his wife before and after marriage. This talk will give you an idea of what he thought then and now thinks of his wife. Encourage him to talk about the high points of their union as well as the low points. Also, it will help you to hear all about his regrets; what he misses most from his bachelor days. It is also necessary you know for how long they have been married and when things became unbearable for both of them.

Ask him what efforts he has made to positively change the situation of things in his home. 

His answers if truthful will help you in determining how best to intervene in their marriage. To do a good job, you must resist the urge to take sides with him as well as have an open mind about his wife. 

By learning to put yourself in her shoes, you will have a clear picture of what to say to her husband and the pressures to put on him to make him see reason with you. One question you must keep asking him is what he intends to do if the next woman turns out to be as, or even more, troublesome than his current wife. He has to be reminded that no situation or body is perfect and that perfection comes from a willingness and passion to accommodate.

No matter how unwholesome the situation in his family is, if he has the right attitude and believes in his marriage and the vows he took on the day he married that woman, he will do anything to make it work.

Also, there is the need for you to remind him of his responsibility to the innocent child. Even if he has an issue with the woman, what about that child, whose future would be affected by his decisions to play around with other women? 

However, having slept with this man, you must be careful not to compromise yourself again by avoiding situations where both of you are isolated. Whatever help you have to offer him must be done in the open where the presence of other people can moderate your feelings and urges. 

Good luck.

She Beckons For Love After Calling Me Names

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I find interesting though I equally appreciate her beauty. She recently called to say I wasn’t serious about her. However, when I call to exchange pleasantries with her, she asked to know what I wanted from her. Confused by her response, I told her I would call back since I didn’t understand her. To my surprise, she became offended and started abusing me, saying I was too young for her and cut off the line.

After a week, I called to apologise for the misunderstanding, but she still maintained her stance and warned me never to call her again. There and then I promised not to disturb her again. But now whenever she sees me will be looking, and at times even call out to me. But due to the abusive and rude behaviour, I lack the confidence to get close to her again, though still in love with her. Being older than her, I expect her to apologise to me first, particularly as I didn’t do anything to deserve the things she said to me. Please, what do I do?

Naijaguy.

Dear Naijaguy,

Having done the matured thing of calling her again to explain yourself, ignore her. It is apparent she doesn’t know what she wants. Relationship is about mutual respect. Rudeness isn’t part of playing hard to get. A woman can play hard-to-get without insulting or dragging the feelings of the man interested in her into the mud. Even if the man falls short of her expectation, there are polite ways of declining his proposal without making him feel bad. That you are soliciting for friendship from her doesn’t give her the right to be abusive. The least expected of a woman is to decline an offer from a man she is not comfortable with as much politeness as she can muster. Maturity entails sensitivity to the other person’s feelings; that a man expresses interest in a woman doesn’t give her the right to be rude to him.

Rudeness isn’t part of relationship building and doesn’t serve any purpose whatsoever. A simple ‘No,’ would still have passed on the message effectively. Being polite doesn’t mean consent, but tells of a woman who is sure of herself and knows what she wants at all times. Until she makes up her mind on what is important to her and how much she wants you in her life, it might be waste of time for you to go back to her. Love only functions when it is enveloped in respect and in understanding the other person’s feelings.

However, have an open mind. When she comes or goes out of her way to be nice to you, don’t reject her, accept her offer of friendship and reconciliation by taking time out to study her very well before re-presenting your feelings for her. Good luck.

Months Into Our Affairs, She Started Growing Wings…

Dear Agatha,

I am a guy of 25 in a relationship that is over a year. At first, we were madly in love, and hardly staying a day without seeing each other. But six months into the relationship, her character changed towards me.

When I confronted her with this, she denied and insisted everything that she was all right.  She later got admission into Enugu State University (ESUT) and left me for three months, though she kept in touch. She came home last month and I noticed to my dismay that she had changed for the worst. From her attitude it is obvious she doesn’t care about me anymore. She doesn’t bother to call or send me text messages anymore, despite the fact that I call her up to three times a day due to the love I have for her.

I need your advice on whether to continue, despite her uncaring attitude or quit the relationship.

Mentor.

Dear Mentor,

It takes two to have a relationship. If you insist on continuing it would be akin to having a relationship with yourself. Since she has made her new state of mind about you obvious enough.

There is always a time and season for everything. For now, it might be wise if you give her a little space for her to make up her mind about what she wants. To continue to call when she is going through this emotional uncertainty is to present yourself a nuisance to her. If care isn’t taken, she may begin to avoid your calls, become rude to you or tell you outright that you are hounding. For the sake of tomorrow and the beauty of what you both shared in the past, make the painful sacrifice of allowing her be for now. Don’t worry, if she is yours, she will definitely come back to you after the excitement of her new admirers die down.

In her current mood, there is nothing you do or say to her that would hold the thrills of all the other attentions she is getting. You have done your bit, presented evidence of your love to her, when she is ready for your kind of love, she would come back.

Move on to other things, but give yourself time to heal properly before beginning another relationship. This is necessary to avoid regrets and mistakes that come with hasty decisions.

Good luck.

Father Married New Wife, My Asian Biz Goes Comatose…

Dear Agatha,

I am 27 years old and a Nigerian citizen residing in South East Asia. I left the country over six years ago seeking greener pasture abroad. During my first two years here, life was so terrible that I considered going back home because Africans weren’t considered for employments. 

Out of a desire to survive, I started an illegal hawking business, but was constantly being arrested by the Police. But they always let me off the hook because my babyish features which I used to my advantage.

By the end of the year 2005, things changed and God intervened and I joined what almost everybody is doing here, Internet scam. And I started to make some money out of it.

I got married to a native of the country; we have two children, a boy and a girl. Since things were moving smoothly for me, I decided to come back to Nigeria to construct boreholes for my whole village as we lacked water in my village. 

In addition, I started the construction of my personal house. Before I left for South East Asia, I wasn’t in a good relationship with my father because he married a second wife. He actually disowned my sisters and me. I am the only male from my mother.  

We suffered a lot at his hands. He even took us to oracle to take an oath that he will never eat anything or take anything that comes from us and also that nobody will block the way of the other’s match towards progress. We all agreed any defaulter would face the punishment of the oracle. 

He left to share his property among the children of his second wife without giving my sisters and I anything. In addition to the house I am building, I also bought a 4-room apartment at Onitsha, a mansion in my village as well as a nice jeep.

But everything changed for me when I came back to Asia. I started experiencing different kinds of problems, which got worse each day. It climaxed in me being detained in Police custody for 12 days while my wife also spent four days. All these were new experiences. 

Back home, I learnt my father was very sick; which I am sure has its root on the oath we took. He had told the oracle he would never take anything from any of us or try to block our progress in life. Severally, my father has openly tried to block my progress and has even eaten my food and taken a lot of things from me.

Agatha, I am confused. I have been praying and fasting since these problems started. The two shops I have here have since folded, because they have suddenly become unproductive. My wife and children have gone back to their village to stay with her parents. I decided to stay alone in the city trying to survive, but everything I put my hands on these days seems to be against me. I started to search for matured female friends, Asians at least to be helping in the settlement of my monthly bills. But before any woman here can do anything for any man she demands for sex. I don’t want to hurt my wife whom I love so much because she is kind, caring, hardworking and honest. 

I feel guilty telling her lies about the nature of my friendship with these women, but I don’t have any choice, as I don’t know where my problems are coming from. 

Up till now, my account is still frozen with a lot of money in it because of the illegal business I am doing. It baffles me because my kind of business is what everybody is doing here, yet they are free and still in business. Nobody wants to do business with me any more. 

I don’t know how to say it again, but I do believe you will understand my situation and advise me on what I should do to get family and I back on track. I have been reading about you and how you have helped other people with their problems, I believe you can also help me out.

Sean.

Dear Sean, 

Have you heard about the law of Karma? You don’t plant rice and expect to reap mangos. If you are involved in defrauding people of their money and things, it follows that one day; the natural laws of justice would demands for its pound of flesh. 

Irrespective of whatever diabolical thing your father is doing, your line of business is wrong and has caused so many innocent people tears and pains. None of those people you have defrauded will ever pray for your success or applaud what you are doing to them.

Like every person who has been unjustly robbed of his or her hard earned money, they will invoke whatever powers they serve to deal with you. You may have defrauded the wrong person, a person who has the covenant of God in full operation over his or her life. Defrauding these kinds of person only does one thing, trouble for their tormentors.

Granted, your father or people in your family may have done one or two things following your extravagant spending to invoke some powers against you, but your kind of business also left room for these powers to way you down easily.

There is no way God will answer any of your prayers if you continue in your kind of business. That you are using the money to help your community doesn’t make it right at all or excuse you from the judgement of God. He is too just to be deceived by bribes of giving part of your proceeds to the community. 

That everybody is doing it and getting away with it also isn’t an excuse. You are not just anybody and may lack the grace those people have to do things right. Besides, God also uses situation like what you are experiencing to stop His people from doom. It is only your account that is frozen now, be careful you don’t lose your entire freedom and life in this. 

Before you lose the love of your wife and the right to see your children, why not consider changing your line of business. Surely, not every immigrant in that country is involved in an illegal business; there must be some legitimate things you can do which though may not attract the kind of returns you get from the shady deals you do, but comes with the peace and everlasting blessings of God. Playing a toy-boy to elderly rich women to pay your bills isn’t right either. If it were, you would not be hiding the fact that you are sexually involved with these women from your wife. Think of the disappointment and pains you would cause her if she ever finds out that you have turned to a gigolo simply because you are unable to do an honest job.

Look around you, what can you do? Begin small; there is no success story without a humble beginning somewhere. No matter how advanced or chocked an economy is there is always a chance for someone with the right kind of insight to make it. 

If pride is your problem, why not think of coming back to the country to begin again with the investments you have made here? 

But before you do any of these, there is the need for you to make peace with God and your conscience. Once you give God a chance to come into your life, things would be a lot easier for you. He is the only one with the powers to neutralise the spiritual consequences and repercussions of the oath you took before the oracle. 

Don’t forget that you and your father both swore before the oracle not to exchange food and things. That you also went against the instruction of the oracle could also be the reason for your problems. Oaths are usually double-edged swords. While your father would suffer on account of his evil deeds, you will suffer from disobedience. You went against the instructions you willingly subjected yourself to, hence liable to the punishment. But like I said, only a true repentant heart can help you overcome the situation you have found yourself in. 

You ignorantly allowed yourself to be sucked into something you know nothing of by a father who not only denied your mother, but also disinherited you and your siblings. 

In your closet cry to God for forgiveness as well as help from the powers holding you captive. He works with the heart; if he sees your heart is sincere and determined to make a clean break from your past life and ways, He would step in. 

It is the only way you won’t lose your family and the little dignity you have left before your in-laws. 

As for your father, you also need to forgive him because the battle is the Lord’s. If he is truly guilty of being responsible for the challenges you are going through, by the time you reconcile with God, He will fight your battle.

Good Luck. 

She’s Off For Not Taking To Her Lectures On Better Bed Outings…

Dear Agatha,

I am in love with my girlfriend. Until recently, we made love without experiencing problems at all, but all that changed when on a certain night she started lecturing me on how to make love to her that will bring about a more satisfying companionship.  

She told me what she wanted me to do with her body, where to touch with my hands as well as lips. It was all so strange to me, because since we started making love she has never complained. When I told her I could not oblige her request, she was angry, and said if I could not satisfy her, she will quit. And true to her words she has never bothered to come back to visit me or pick my calls. 

Please, tell me what to do. Do I go back to her or let her be?

Peter.

                 

Dear Peter,   

In the first place what do you understand by love? What amount of sacrifices are you willing to put into perfecting your love? Love should be enduring, selfless, humble, patient, understanding, supportive, never keep records of wrongs and above all, must be sensitive to the feelings of the other person. 

You didn’t meet her a virgin, meaning she comes with packages of experiences and used to making love in a particular way. Before meeting you she must have experimented with other positions different from what you are used to. That she didn’t complain until that particular night doesn’t mean she was totally enjoying your ways, but decided to keep quiet to make you happy as well as not to give you the wrong impression about herself. 

She told you about her ways at the point she felt comfortable and confident about your feelings for her. She thought both of you have crossed the crucial points of doubts and misgivings, hence her decision to open up.  Your attitude and response to her, no doubt, left a bitter taste in her mouth, and called to question your level of maturity in handling such sensitive matters. Granted, she may have scared you with the diversity and intensity of menu, good sense ought to have told you to discuss options with her instead of throwing everything away.

Just like you, she has a right to satisfaction, a right to an input in how both of you relate in the bedroom. Because a relationship involves two persons, you should have at that point considered her requests by asking her some leading questions on the quality of your lovemaking, why she hasn’t said anything until now as well as your objections to some of the ideas based on limited experience in such areas. Good lovemaking comes from having an opened mind as well as trust. You reacted the way you did because you didn’t trust where the experience was coming from, hence you became suspicious of her though you didn’t categorically say so. 

But your reactions said it all. Not only did it convey shock, terror at the depth of her knowledge about sex, but robbed you of the confidence you have always marketed as a man.

Like most men, you recoiled at such an expansive knowledge from a woman. You instantly saw her under the banner of red and mercury lights, hence your refusal to even consider the ideas, let alone make love to her the way that would have made her happier than she has ever been. You simply didn’t like the fact that she has more experiences than you.

You mirror the typical male who thinks a woman has no right to make demands on how she wants to be made love to. Asking you to do it her way for once is because she thinks you have earned her trust to expose herself to you. 

Not only did you fail her, but also hurt her beyond measure when you rejected. This accounts for her decision to quit, because she knows if things are left the way they are between the two of you, she may be forced to look elsewhere for that satisfaction you are refusing to give her. 

As a matter of fact, you should have been happy at her request; because it meant she truly loved you else she wouldn’t have bothered. Some women would have continued playing the good girl with you while she went in search for her real fun elsewhere. That she didn’t want to do that is commendable.

Rejecting her also pictured you as a selfish man: one scared of change, an insensitive lover. When a man displays selfishness in the bedroom, it signals a man uncompromising and difficult to manage. Relationship is about compromises, something you appear to lack and unwilling to do. Change is necessary to grow a relationship. Her demand is a choice of change from what you are used to, to something new.

If you really love her, go back and plead for forgiveness as well as understanding of your position. Explain to her that shock made you behave the way you did and after careful considerations you are willing to consider what she told you. 

The best way to go about it is to munch a little at a time. Ask for her assistance as well as leadership where necessary. Remember there should be no ego or power tussle in the bedroom, because that is one place where couple can really let loose.

Good luck.

I Love Her, But She’s Too Self-supporting

 Dear Agatha, 

I write to you as an old man contemplating marriage a second time to a woman who is in her late 40s. I am in my 60s. She is one woman who is confident and extremely industrious. Apart from her beauty,  things she has which the other women I have met so far don’t have are sincerity, intelligence and integrity. 

She is too much of a woman to care about the naughty things men get up to. But I guess these are the very things that are scary about her person. As a young man, I would have been scared out of my wits by her, but having been married for almost three and a half decades, I feel more confident as a man to handle her.

However, there is something that is still scary about her; she seems unperturbed by my deliberate refusal to offer her any form of financial assistance even when I am aware she is going through crisis. 

It is such a funny feeling not to be needed by a lady. She totally ignores my financial assistance so much that I am beginning to wonder if she has someone else in her life who is meeting all her financial obligations. I had truly expected her to come begging me for money, but rather than do that, she has ignored me going about her life as if there is no man in her life. 

Sometime ago, I told her to forward to me a list of the food she likes as well as the schools her children attend. Not only did she tell me she wasn’t into submitting a list of requirement to a man, she said if I intended helping her, I should send whatever I could afford. 

I have never met a woman like her because I am used to women depending on the choices I make for them, running and courting me. She is the opposite of them all, including my late wife. I really want and love her, but how do I manage this woman? How do I make her depend on me? I truly commend your wisdom and would have been fooled into thinking you are an old woman if not for the photograph of yours on this column as well as that on your blogspot. 

Old Man.

Dear Old Man, 

Thanks for the compliments. 

At almost 50, you can’t change her from who she is into someone you want, just as she cannot make you do things you don’t want to do. You are both at the age of tolerance and understanding that marriage does not mean change but a willingness of the two parties to work together despite all odds. 

From now, you have to learn to respect her as well as accept the fact that before you came along, she had her life properly mapped out. 

She may not feel any compelling reason to ask you for financial assistance particularly if on your own, you know she has need of it. Since you are unwilling to offer help, she may have decided to ignore you and continue functioning in the mode she functioned before you came into her life. 

If she has children, it means she is used to responsibilities and must have managed beautifully well for you to notice the qualities that make her stand out. 

You will understand her better if you take out time to know about her past more intimately. A lot of your understanding of her disposition would come from your knowing how long she has been on her own as well as the role the father of her children is playing in the lives of those children. If divorced or widowed, how long? What challenges did she go through to make her the kind of person she is today? Often, the experiences we pass through in life shape our being. You have to know all these facts to know how to manage her and understand her mindset. Her experiences may have taught her to be self-dependent to the exclusion of any man in her life. In this case, appreciate it isn’t a personal thing but a wall she has erected around herself to protect herself and children from the consequences of emotionally influenced decisions. 

When a woman is used to being on the driver’s seat for too long a time, the way a man handles such a woman would be different from the way he would handle one who has depended on a man all her life. She perhaps didn’t think it necessary to give you any list believing if you are actually interested in offering her some form of financial assistance, you will surprise her by bringing the essential food items to her house. Food isn’t clothes that you need to worry about like what her taste would be. Food is essential and there are basic ones that are universal; just as provisions too are. If she doesn’t eat them, her children will. There will always be someone in her house who would. 

These kinds of women are often moved by such thoughtful surprises. Asking her to furnish you with a list is begging the issue and calls to question your intentions. Next time, surprise her. If in doubt, stick to rice, fish, palm oil and vegetable oil. These are items no woman can do without in her kitchen. 

You can get to know the schools the children attend by subtle enquiry. Ask her directly; get to meet with them first through telephone conversation before offering to accompany their mother to visit them. This way, you make it clear to her that you intend to feature in the lives of her children along with hers. Once you get to meet them, going to them alone won’t be a major problem because by then you would have a clear picture of the role of their father in their lives as well as the disposition of the children to your relationship with their mother. 

Managing this kind of woman isn’t as tough as you may think. Simply by learning to trust and give her the encouragements she needs is the only way to elicit respect from her. You have to learn to appreciate her first to get the best from her. If you insist on treating her like all the women you have met, you risk losing her respect and love.

Good luck.

My Husband Thinks I Hate His People

Dear Agatha,

I thank God for you and your advice, which teaches women how to behave in our homes. I am a 26-year-old 2004 graduate, I finished my youth service in 2006 and since then I have not found employment. I am the only child of my parents who are now separated. 

Though I am now married, I have so many issues with my husband. We were live-in lovers with two children until we decided on a court marriage last year after five years of living together. 

At the initial stage of our relationship, my husband complained about my attitude to his family members. He accused me of not liking them. Since then I have been trying to adjust so much so, his sister now lives with us. She has been with us for over a year now. 

Not once did the sister and I have any problem but my husband still thinks I don’t like his family members. 

During the birthday anniversary of my first child, my mother came to help me with the arrangements. During the course of it, my husband and I had a little disagreement necessitating me to remind him that his house wasn’t my matrimonial home yet. My mother tried to mediate by trying to take my side and explain what she thought I meant by the statement.

At least, he didn’t exhibit his hurt at my statement at the party. I later apologised for my statement as well as my mother’s behaviour since I knew it wasn’t right for her to have so blatantly supported my position. I knew she was trying to make peace but went about it the wrong way. That was in 2006. Since then my husband has been very cold towards my mother. The two of them barely talk and I have tried to talk to my husband but he is not a very forgiving person. I feel bad because his mother too has made some very costly statements but I have refused to be offended by whatever she says. 

My mother suffered so much to train me in school when my father neglected us, so it’s hurting because my mother deserves better from her son-in-law.

Since I am not working yet, I depend on him to send my family money for upkeep. But because we had some disagreement last Christmas, when he accused me of being only interested in him because of the money I get from him, I protested the idea of him sending money to my family through his. I told him it would only make me more vulnerable to his family. I reminded him that if he is of the view that I am with him because of money, what will his family think? More so, it wasn’t proper for them to know how much he sends to my family.  

Although he later sent the money separately, he is insisting he won’t do that again, that it was primitive of me to think his family capable of thinking like that. 

I have tried to talk to him but he is shunning me that right now I am beginning to get tired of the whole thing we call marriage. Apart from all I have said, he is difficult to please, always wanting things done his way. When I do things his way, he will still complain.  

Please, what should I do since I don’t want to be divorced like my mother?  

Hurting wife.

Dear Hurting Wife, 

First, I want you to appreciate one thing that no marriage is free of challenges. What usually makes the difference is the determination and selflessness couples, especially the women, put into making it work.

It is obvious that you and your husband didn’t take time out to study each other before taking the decision to live together, have children and marry. There wasn’t much time for you especially to study the man you would end up spending the rest of your life with. 

Although you have made the mistake, you can still do a lot to remedy the situation. And it is to do what you didn’t do from the beginning. If there is anything you have achieved staying with him for this long, it is to know his person. You know he is difficult, hard to please, unforgiving and all the other things you don’t like in a man. What about those things he is good at? For instance, despite his attitude towards your mother, he is still concerned enough to send money to her for her upkeep. It is commendable on his part because not every man would do this. 

A lot of men would have made sure you felt the impact of your lack of job by refusing to help with the upkeep of your family. That he is doing it without complaining shows that whatever his other faults are, he cares sufficiently for you. It will do you a lot of good to always remember this and commend him for it. No matter how nasty and unappreciative he is, the fact that he does this for you without complaining or making you beg for it underscores your importance in his life. By learning to show appreciation for what he is doing for your family, you point him in the direction you want him to go without fighting him or nagging. He may not catch on to it immediately but showing courtesy and appreciation for whatever he does for you will, after a while, teach him to say thank you too. It takes patience and selflessness on your part to get him to be the kind of man you want. 

So, going back to the drawing board is to take stock of what you don’t like about him, what you find outstanding and those things you instinctively know that you cannot change about him. 

The essence is to help you know which area of his character you should concentrate effort on, which will at the end of the day aid in the stability of your marriage. 

Another way to convince him of your openness to his family is to request to visit his mother. On the surface, this may not appear appealing or the best of ideas but when you consider the fact that these are people you cannot avoid, people who have been part of his life and whom he appears to be very attached to, getting him to thaw his attitude towards your own mother is for him to see that you have nothing against his people. It isn’t enough for you to wait until they come to you, visit them in their own territory. You don’t have to like his mother but you must endure her nastiness and attitude for the sake of your own happiness in her son’s life as well as those of your children. It is one of the many sacrifices you have to make to stay happy in this marriage. 

Spending one week with your mother-in-law will not kill you. Being a woman yourself, you will one day find yourself in her position and would expect your daughter-in-law, no matter what, to recognise your contributions to the life of your son. Do it, not because you want to but for the reason that you have to. 

Even though some mothers-in-law are unpleasant, if she sees make a genuine effort at loving and accommodating her, she has the influence to make her son drop some of the annoying behaviours towards you. But you have to spread out your arms like a child to her before she can help you.

Having lived with him for some years now, don’t you think it is time you changed your method of approach to issues? Common sense demands that when one method isn’t working we try another one. Getting angry with him won’t get him to change, rather it would make him more determined in his ways. By learning to ignore certain things, you give yourself more attempts at peaceful resolution to your differences. 

Also, there is the need for you to impress it on him to open up a business for you. Let him know that doing so would take the pressure off him asthe sole provider of everything at home. To be frank, the pressures may at times make him behave out of character. 

As for your mother, allow it to run for now. Don’t force it. Continue to plead with your mother who is the more matured one. Overtime, things would work out, especially if you learn to pray more and depend on God for His presence and intervention in your home. 

Good luck.