Beyond Being A Lesbian, She’s A Serial Liar

Dear Agatha,

Please I will like you to help me out of this problem before I make a silly mistake. I am 22 years of age dating a girl of 21. We have been together since 2005 and very close that people in our area naturally assume we would never break-up. But something major happened in 2007 when I found out she was into lesbianism. She didn’t tell me but found out from one of my friends who actually told my brother about it.

When I confronted her with the information, she denied claiming it was a poly by some jealous people to break us up, but later admitted that she practised it when she was in the College. 

She confessed she was forced into the act by one lady, who claimed she had admired her for long, while she was asleep in the hostel. According to her, it was the first and last time she did it with a female. Because I love her so much, I believed her especially as I didn’t want to lose her to a girl.  When we first met, she told me that she was a virgin. Though I didn’t believe, but accepted her story to be true out of the love. However, in January this year, our feelings got in the way and one thing led to the other. Just before I entered into her, she stopped me to confess that she wasn’t a virgin that, a boy who supplied her mother soft drinks, deflowered her.  Again I forgave her, besides it was the first time we were making love.

Agatha, I don’t know what to do about this girl because I found out that she is always lying. Again, I want to know if dating a lesbian would not affect my chances of a making a success of my career.  Please, I would appreciate your frank response to my mail.

Henry.

Dear Henry, 

If she has this constant compulsion to tell lie, there may be the need for you to sit her down to question her on her past and also find out why she finds it easier to tell lie than the truth. 

To help her find lasting solution to this problem, you must arm yourself with information about her past. A trip into her early years will give you deep insights into her person. To this end, encourage her to talk generally about her childhood years, her relationship with her parents, especially her mother, the sort of person she is, was she a tyrant or too strict that her children found it easier to lie to her to escape her wrath and punishment? If she became a liar as a result of her mother’s strictness, she needs your help to bury her past fears of the attendant repercussion of telling the truth. 

She needs to understand that lie can only provide temporary relief, but never the respect and peace that comes from telling the truth. Through encouragement and show of love, let her see that life comes with learning to take responsibilities for one’s action and that the only way this can be possible is for her to always tell the truth. Letting her know that finding out that she has told you so many lies was enough reason for you to end the relationship, but haven’t done that because of the love you feel for her. She has to know that truth will always prevail and that when it does, it has a way of making the liar appear irresponsible and unworthy of the trust of others. 

By the time she realises you have the choice to end the relationship based on your discovery of her person to be a habitual liar, it might help her to appreciate the essence of telling the truth. And you must make it clear that she has to earn your trust from this point, because all the lies she has told in the past are making you wary of investing too much of yourself in her to prevent you from getting badly hurt later when more facts begin to emerge about other things you think you know about her.  But if she gets her kick from telling lies, it might be more difficult to get her to change because to her it has become like opium. Like in every case of addiction, the determination has to come first from her before you can do anything. Again it boils down to how much she wants you and this relationship. If she wants you sufficiently, making the sacrifice to become straight by telling the truth always would not be too difficult for her. 

Therefore asking her to tell you the whole truth about her past life is a way of helping her focus on those things now very important to her. She must come to the realisation that being in a relationship means more than lovemaking or craving for the presence of that person. It is a total package that comprises of honesty, truth, loyalty, sacrifices, support, respect, responsibility, tolerance, understanding, care, patience as well as selflessness. 

Make it clear to her during your talk with her that it doesn’t matter to you any more if she lied about everything in her past, but what matters is how much trust she has in you by telling the truth about herself from this point. That, her contribution to the progress of this relationship is helping you stay focused by confiding in you about her person and past life. 

By being obvious that a lot would depend on her capacity for the truth, would help both of you determine how much of a relationship you both have in the first place. Without a concerted effort on her part to trust you with her past life, this relationship may not be worth it at the end of the day, because it would get to a point you will get tired of all the lies as well as wonder if she is even telling you the truth about her feelings for you. To prevent putting yourself in this situation, you must face the challenge of helping her beat the habit.

Sincerely, I don’t want to discuss all the spiritual drawbacks that come from it.

But if your love for her is strong enough, getting her to thrash the habit completely is your best option. This is because there is no way you can hope to have a sexually fulfilling relationship if she is engaged in lesbianism. There will always be other women in her life, ones that will eventually push you out of her life.

The issue here isn’t how much you love her, but how you plan to cope with the knowledge of other women having a share in your woman’s life. This is one issue you must not, for love sake, sweep under the carpet. It is something you must discuss and agree on a solution agreeable to you in particular. Whatever sentiment you wish to apply, ensure it is one that can stand the rigours of time as well as secure your peace of mind always. 

If left unaddressed, there is no way it would not affect you psychologically as well as emotionally. When the mind has both psychological and emotional problems, everything one engages in becomes polluted by the burden of these emotions. So, to this extent, it will impact negatively on you for the simple reason you will lack the needed concentration to be thorough at a job. 

So weigh carefully your options and settle for the one you know would preserve your happiness at the end. And at any rate, you still have a long way to go at just 22. You should be more interested at reaching your set goals now that you have the strength and time to pursue these goals without distractions. 

To do a good job of this, learn from this early beginning to pray and depend on the counsel of God.

Good luck. 

 Lonely Heart 

Dear Agatha,

Compliments of the season! I’m a regular reader of your column. Please I need a modest, mature and serious minded lady, who understands what it means to be in love and not for the gains of going into a relationship.

Î am an honest person, who doesn’t pretend about anything in life. I am easy going, who needs an assertive lady, a woman figure and not a go-go person, a communicator, not a talkative. She must be a focused person who understand times and seasons, a loving and submissive lady, a great homemaker.  I am in my 20s. The woman must be God-fearing, educated or uneducated, between the ages 20 and 28 years of age. I would appreciate SMS only on 07041615055 or mail: ilesanmi2001@yahoo.com

Okanlawon

Sexual Ecstasy: Who Enjoys Most, Man Or Woman?

Dear Agatha, 

Is it true that men enjoy only one percent of sex? I am about to get married. Please help me.

Worried Man.

Dear Worried Man, 

Whosoever told you such a thing is not only being mischievous, but also ignorant of the ways the bodies of the man and woman work.

As a matter of fact, most men benefit more from sex than the woman. This has to do with the body anatomy, which places all the sexual organs on the surface of their bodies unlike that of a woman placed inside her body. In addition a man is moved by what he sees, while a woman is moved by what she feels. To get her to enjoy sex she needs more than passing attention, she needs stimulation to come to par with her man. 

It is only a man who is selfish, unimaginative, and unadventurous, who ends up complaining about the woman being a bad lover. Men who complain about their wives’ sexual shortcomings are only advertising their own inadequacies as a man. There is really no much ado about sexual satisfaction if both parties agree that it is an adult game and as such apply the maturity and liberty that comes with being old enough to enjoy the benefits of the age. 

Pretences and suspicion are the reasons so many couples especially men aren’t getting the full power of their marital privileges. Since no woman wants to incur the suspicions and nagging of her husband, she ends up suppressing all her natural instincts about lovemaking to preserve the image the husband has of her to the detriment of her sexual relationship with her husband. The end result is that the man becomes dissatisfied after a while and ends up having numerous affairs outside his home in his quest for something more exciting. 

To enjoy lovemaking, it is essential you see it primarily as a special gift from God, given to the married couple as a form of expression of the goodness and mystery of God. 

To ensure you don’t deprive yourself of the benefits that accrue from lovemaking, don’t assume you know it all or think that when your wife makes a demand she is promiscuous. To enjoy more than one percent, have a very liberal mind, encouraging her to give as much as she gets. Give her the confidence to teach you what you don’t know and also be patient too to teach her what she doesn’t know. 

One good thing about lovemaking is that it comes naturally. It is one of those things nobody teaches. It is as natural to us as the knowledge of knowing from the early moments of life that food goes through the mouth and that it comes from the mother’s breast during our neo-natal days. 

When a man encourages the wife to be her natural self in the bedroom, he is helping himself to enjoy more of the benefits inherent in lovemaking. But when a man arrogates to himself the supreme knowledge and power of the act, he ends up with far less than what God intended.

To achieve this, there is the need for you and your woman to sit and honestly discuss your sexual experiences as well as imagination. Whether we admit to it or not, we all have our secret sexual fantasies. This is because sex is an inborn primeval knowledge we all come with at birth. Despite the many colourations and taboos that have been built round it, it remains an integral part of man’s psychology. 

No matter what your background is, when a man and woman come together in marriage such taboos and drawbacks we come with from our families must be dismantled, because each age comes with a sexual revolution which must be carefully imbibed if the union is to stand the test of time. This is because the outside influences are so entrenched that a couple without a firm rhythm and understanding can be sucked easily into the mass dance. This is why so many men and women too are increasingly finding sexual solaces in the arms of other people outside their homes.

So discussing your fantasies as well as preferences help in no small way to ensure that at least the basic knowledge is exchanged while leaving enough room for exploration. The advantage of such a talk is that it procures trust as well as set the tone on how to handle exigencies as they arise in the relationship.

Therefore you owe it to yourself and marriage to give your wife the freedom to participate fully in the bedroom activity. This way, both of you would earn more from the act.

Good luck. 

Lonely Hearts

Dear Agatha,

 I am 27 years of age. I need a caring lady who is HIV positive for a serious relationship that would lead to marriage. Interested lady should please call me on these numbers, 07088331021 or 07037381221.

Dear Agatha,

I am 43 years of age. I am interested in meeting a lady between 30 to 40 years of age. She must be God fearing, responsible and ready to settle down. An interested lady should contact me through this number, 07052161976.

My Wife Turns Our Home To Debating Society

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column and I need your candid advice as usual.

I am married to a beautiful and lovely woman and together we have two lovely daughters. My wife is a year older than me and we did talk about the psychological effects of this before we got married. We both agreed to respect each other and not let that get into our heads.

The problem now is we argue a lot and most times it just doesn’t make me feel happy. I just think my wife likes everything to end the way she says it should, and that gets me mad sometimes. We practically end up arguing over everything which as far as I am concerned is unfortunate. 

Agatha, do you think this has to do with the fact that she is one year older than me? I try as much as possible to avoid reminding her of her domineering attitude as well as the fact of her age just to avoid sinking the boat of our marriage. But there is a limit to human endurance; I might not take it for too long because it is eating me up inside. I have tried to communicate this to her and yet no change has occurred.

Agatha, do we call this marriage quit?

Leo.

 

Dear Leo,

Marriage is a life-time journey; one you are not expected to graduate from unless it is marred with violence and threat to the life of one of the parties.

In this instance, there is nothing so profound as to make you want to quit this marriage. You see, marriage is like a wrapped gift, until it is opened, there is no way of knowing its content. In life, being contented with what you have is the first step towards securing one’s happiness. To avoid disappointment and disillusionment in your marriage and as a wife, you must learn to appreciate the uniqueness that is your marriage and it cannot work the same way that of your friends are working. Just like our faces and personalities, our marriages must at all time reflect the individualism of the couples involved.

But like every item, it comes with a general information manual aimed at helping one get over the nitty-gritty of the operation. Often than not, the main instruction on every marriage manual is mutual respect for each other. Once a couple is determined to operate the guidebook by showing consideration for the other party, many problems which are today tearing couples apart would never be.

To be candid from all you have said, there is nothing profoundly wrong with your union except the issue of ego on both your parts. If you were older than she is, would you feel she is trying to dominate you? Are you sure, part of your problems isn’t because you see her as being older than you and unable to control her?

Sincerely, a lot would depend on your own worth as a man. How much of yourself have you brought into the relationship? How much of her have you been able to control? Even if you are older than she is, as the man and head of the home, you must be able to control your home not by being a tyrant but by assuming the leadership of your home.

This is often achieved by trying to understand the person of your partner. Beyond the issue of age and your constant disputes, who is this woman you married? What makes her happy? How much sacrifices on your part would do to ensure she stays happy? How far are you willing to go to protect this marriage from total collapse? Have you been able to pinpoint her various moods as well as the challenges of her upbringing? Who we think has some contribution to our growing-up years. If she is domineering, is it something she just developed on account of the fact that she is older than you or what the circumstances of her family life made her out to be? It is in your interest as well as this marriage to find out.

What was she like before you both got married? Can you ever remember her being submissive to you all the time you were both dating? If she did, at what point did she change and what do you think could be the reason?

Don’t be shy to take the lead in your home. By being a leader, she would be proud to take orders from you any day and time. You could be going about wresting power in the wrong way. You must be the kind of leader she can trust, draw inspiration from and depend on always. She can only agree to follow you if she is convinced that you won’t be leading her into the abyss by rash and immature decisions. This is especially important particularly as she is slightly older than you.

Again, it is imperative you also understand the nature of your arguments. What are you two always arguing over? Are these arguments over the duties each of you is expected to perform in the home? Has it to do with the inability of the two of you to recognise what you are each expected to do in your home?

Honestly, there is no way you can change her from being who she is without you first knowing how best to go about it. She must understand where you are coming from to enable her accept your changes without complaints. If she is convinced that the changes you are trying to introduce are wholesome and not aimed at making her the servant in the relationship, she would listen.

One of the quickest ways to get her disinterested in you is insist on talking only about yourself without pausing to listen to her talk about how she too would want things to be in the home. By remembering she is also an equal partner in the home would go a long way in helping the two of you resolve the issue amicably without either of you feeling cheated. There is no marriage in history that hasn’t gone through the wet and dry periods. You are not perfect, neither is she. Once you come to the point to appreciate that, it is always better in life to manage the faults we know than go for the perfection we don’t. You will be better focused on finding a lasting solution.

Help your marriage by taking her away from the tension in your home for a romantic weekend where both of you can talk as friends and two people who know what they want and are not too proud to ask each other forgiveness and a way forward. Patience, loyalty and faith in God to help out at critical moments would win you this battle.

Good luck.

 

I’m Married But In Love With Another Man

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for the wonderful work you are doing. I am a young woman who needs your candid advice as I am really heartbroken.
Although I am married, I met another man and fell in love with him. I must confess I have never fallen in love before I met this guy not even with my husband. When he had financial problems, I came to his rescue and even paid for the education of his five children, fed him and his wife, in fact I spent all I had on this guy. When he became diabetic, I paid his hospital expenses including buying all his drugs. 

I also took out a loan from my bank to pay for his ticket when he wanted to travel to the United Kingdom. In the process of assisting him, I lost my job. I didn’t mind because I thought he loved me. He was always there, giving me moral support whenever I was having problems. He stopped writing or calling immediately he got to the United Kingdom and called me recently to say he is now in love with a friend of mine and that I should not call him again.  

Now that I have lost my job and I’m left with nothing, he dumps me. I feel terribly bad because I thought he was going to stand by me as he used to. Though he promised to refund some of the money especially the loan I took for him, he never did. He is now rich in the United Kingdom to the extent that he is building a house in Nigeria. 
I am very bitter and wish him to return to his old self. 

My husband is a man who flaunts his affairs with women in my face, he is never there for me and we cannot discuss as husband and wife. I have tried all I could to change him but all to no avail. We have been married for 20 years now.  He is always in and out of relationships with women; it is really frustrating but with God I am coping as I have resigned to fate.

Frustrated Wife.

Dear Frustrated Wife, 

That your husband is having affairs is no excuse for you to do what you did. Having been married for 20 years, you ought to know better than to do what you did. What examples are you showing your children, especially the girls among them? Are you encouraging them to go into extramarital affairs when they are having problems in their own marriages?

If the marriage is so bad, why are you still there? Why not quit and be free to pursue whatever relationship you desire? Why stay in your husband’s house to have an affair? What were you expecting from this relationship? Were you expecting fulfilment from a man who has five children, wife and his challenges as a man? If this man defrauded you emotionally and financially, it is because you put yourself in a position to be so treated. He didn’t ask you to be so gullible and unthinking. He took what you offered him and played you for the person you presented yourself to be. 

Did you think he would leave his family for you? He wasn’t having problem with his marriage, just his finances. You were the one having problems with your man, not him so he had no reason to walk away from his own marriage. Besides, you are also married and living with a man so what you both had was a secret love affair, something dirty and shameful, never to be advertised because of the mess and scandal it would bring not only to the two of you but the embarrassment to people around you. If he told you he loved you, it was only because that was what you gave him the impression you wanted to hear. Seeing how willing you were to do anything for him, telling you he loved you was the only way he could compensate you and make you do more for him. 

If it were something to be proud of, you would have since made so much noise about it especially as the person who took him over from you happens to be your friend. It was an illegitimate thing, a bad gamble you should not even mention to anyone.

Sincerely, this man has no blame whatsoever. If you were careless enough to put your job on the line for him, can you blame him? You didn’t value your job else you would have thought twice of investing your money and essence on a man who has a wife and five children and who from your narration didn’t promise you anything. 

In your interest as well as those of your children and marriage, do yourself a big favour and forget about this man. You have paid the price for your lack of discretion. Allow the matter rest. 

As for your marriage and habit of your husband, there is the need for you to look inwards. If for 20 years, your husband’s passion for other woman hasn’t changed, then something must be wrong somewhere. 

Apart from the possibility of a spiritual angle to it, what are your own contributions to the situation in your home? While I am not ruling out the reality of him being one of those men who take delight in chasing after everything in skirt, not caring if their wives get hurt in the process, there is also the need for you to look at your own contributions to the problem in your home. No matter how bad your husband is, there must be something, no matter how insignificant, that is encouraging him to be behaving the way he is doing. 

How are you treating the issue of his infidelity? Do you nag or fight him over it? Chances are if you fight him, he would continue to do so because you have exposed him to your vulnerability. He knows fighting and nagging are the worst you can do, hence you have demystified your invisibility as a woman fighting for her happiness. No war has ever been won when you expose your opponent to the limit of your strength. The secret key to wining a battle, no matter how minute is to keep quiet while you fight back. No man feels comfortable when he is aware that his wife knows all about his secret affairs and yet remains unperturbed and appears not to notice. A lot of men get scared when the woman at home adopts such a position. Overtime conscience and people around would make them think twice.

If you have been nagging him, stop and pretend you have come to terms with the person he is. The best weapon of any woman desirous of happiness in her home is prayer, followed by patience and acceptance of the situation. 

There is no battle God cannot win. As you must have found out, having an affair is not a solution, instead it has led you to a greater problem because now you no longer have a job and must now depend on the generosity of your husband to survive. You are now forced to eat the humble pie to get him to foot your bills. Now he is the victor while you are the victim of a situation for which you ideally should have been the one having the last laugh. Sincerely, no man likes to be told what he can do and cannot do. 

Going out with another man, you betrayed the covenant you entered into with God to remain faithful to your husband. The consequences are more on you, because men from the time of creation are polygamist by nature. What a woman would do and be condemned, a man will get a standing ovation for from the society. 

Whereas, if you had depended on God from the very moment you noticed his behaviour, allowing the spirit of God take control and direct your every move, today, you would have had a testimony to tell. Many women, who have husbands like you and know the powers of prayers, have learnt to use it effectively while appearing to give their husbands the freedom to misbehave. 

There are so many battles in marriage, which are purely spiritual; such battles require the intervention of God only. If you attempt to fight such battles on your own powers or strength, you suffer needlessly and massively. 

To ensure God comes into your marriage and home, go to Him first to ask for forgiveness of the many mistakes you have made so far before requesting His presence in your home and life. 

Handing over the battle of your husband’s weakness to Him, is the only way you can get him interested in you alone. Because God isn’t a magician, you will need patience to endure the in-between period to victory. 

Good luck.

After Many Skirt Deals, Can I Ever Live To Love My Wife?

After Many Skirt Deals, Can I Ever Live To Love My Wife?

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626

Dear Agatha,

I am in my early 20s and have never experienced a broken heart. I have never really had problems with ladies except the one I am about to share with you. None of my relationships have lasted more than three months because I find it difficult to be fully committed. I have also never really dated one girl at a time. I prefer double dating; I am of the belief that dating just one girl is inimical to one’s emotional peace and stability. Therefore I always have a standby as a rebound, someone to fall back on when the main girl begins to misbehave. In my opinion, this doesn’t make me a Casanova like some people would want me to think. Frankly, I treat these women well and don’t pressurise them into having sex with me like other guys. Agatha, I am planning to get married soon, but scared I might not be able to stay faithful to my wife. Please advise me on what to do.

Wilson.

Dear Wilson, 

Honesty to one’s partner doesn’t begin overnight. It is something one cultivates from the beginning. If you are having difficulties sticking to one woman now, how on earth do you intend being faithful to the woman you would marry? Because you have never bothered to imbibe the culture of faithfulness, it would be difficult if not impossible for you to remain so to your wife. Life is essentially about risk taking. That you fear a broken heart doesn’t make it right for you to double date. In these girls’ shoes how would you feel if you discover any of them to have a back up for you? Falling in love is all about risk and gamble, and so anybody who isn’t prepared to be hurt should not venture into it. The truth is that there is no venture in life that is risk-free. Your very existence as a human being in itself is a huge risk, because a lot of people out there are battling daily to ensure you don’t live to see the next day. That you have gotten away with playing these girls doesn’t make you smart or your approach a perfect antidote. Rather, you have only been lucky in the sense that you haven’t met that special woman. The day you got to meet her, you will discover that whatever structure you have adopted all these while to protect your heart from failing did not work when true love is involved. 

Rather than map your own ways, begin from now on to depend on God by being honest with yourself. Honesty begins from self-awareness. It is impossible to give what you don’t have. You are unable to trust any of these girls because you aren’t honest to yourself. You must take time out to first discover who you are and what you want from life else you will never be able to fully give of yourself to anybody. 

One of the ways to help yourself discover who you really are is to trust unconditionally. Twisted as this may sound, pain is a natural process of life. It enables us to know our capacity as human beings as well as our ability to adjust to life’s many chances and challenges. You can’t go about protecting yourself from being hurt. It isn’t natural. Reality, maturity and wisdom are about the painful choices we make from time to time. The best things in life are products of very painful choices and processes. 

There is no way you can have a woman who respects you and one you will cherish through life if you are unwilling to get your hands burnt. A heart has to be broken to be made whole again. The brokenness of a heart is what gives feeling, warmth and compassion to it. A heart untouched is prone to vanity and coldness. You either make a choice to be faithful to the woman who becomes your wife or forget about having a good marriage. You must be willing to make sacrifices to reap bountifully in any relationship. 

Good luck. 

She Dates Him On Assumed Love

 She Dates Him On Assumed Love

Share a problem With Auntie Agatha, gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com, Tel: 08054500626Dear Agatha,

Dear Agatha,

I have a friend who has been having a relationship for two years. Recently, his girlfriend asked him if he truly loved her, to which he replied positively. To his surprise the girl then told him she was ready to love him back too; that all these while she had only pretended to do so.

Agatha, what do you make of this? Your advice would be highly appreciated.

Supportive Friend.

Dear Supportive Friend, 

The heart is often a house of mystery. It houses so many thoughts and often times the reasons are as ridiculous as they come. 

To ponder over such life mysteries is to try to demystify the nature of man. Man is a deep and close being, one whose true nature is only known to God. Rather than worry about her reason for what she said, be grateful she voiced out her true feelings else you and your friend would never know how she felt about him.

But before you castigate her, it is imperative you understand where she is coming from. What were her experiences like before she met your friend? What sort of relationship exits between your friend and this girl until this point? Has he always been serious with her? Giving her all the attentions and confidence she needs to be secured with him? What was the arrangement between the two of them when they started out? Did he give her the impression that he wanted her for keeps?

Many a time the attitude we put up in a relationship is dictated by the character of the person we date. If for two years this lady has been unable to give her full commitment to your friend, it means your friend was behaving in a way that kept her in doubt about his feelings towards her. 

Asking your friend for clarification was a way of knowing what her current stand is with him. She decided to give him her heart to reciprocate his feelings for her. Whatever her reasons may be, she was also trying to avoid getting hurt by a man she wasn’t sure of what his feelings for her truly are. 

What your friend should no now is to call this girl to reiterate his feelings for her and negotiate new ideals and principles for the relationship. Both of them should count the first two years as one of building the right foundation. To see these two years as wasted is to throw away the most important time of their relationship, because if nothing else, these two years afforded them the rare opportunity of discovering the worth, strength and weakness of their different natures as well as relationship. Had these two years never happened, she may not come to realise that whatever her reasons may be for not trusting him enough to give him of her whole heart before now are baseless at the end of the day. 

That she is now willing to take a chance on him and their relationship shows that a vital grey area, one which could have remained a major problem for them has been cleared. 

The talk should take a look at their past, x-ray the reasons for her decision not to love him until now as well as his own past mistakes. There is no moving forward if both parties are unwilling to be truthful and letting go of whatever issues they silently battled with in the past. Not all issues would be made known to you or apparent to both of them. Some issues in a relationship are not the loud kind, but very salient ones that end up with more destructive powers than the so-called major ones. 

It would do both of them a world of good to place all issues on the table with as much honesty as possible. 

Good luck. 

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your wonderful advice that has really helped many. Please help me out as loneliness is closing in on me. I need a girl that I can proclaim love to. I am 23 years of age, but have not had a date for once. Each time I express my feeling to a girl she either tells ‘she has a boyfriend, not interested or not ready for that.’ I am an undergraduate, studying Medicine in one of the southern universities in the country. Without sounding immodest I am handsome, kind, honest, gentle and God fearing. It isn’t as if I am afraid to woo a lady or lack the right words to tell her, but don’t know what the problem is really. 

What do I do? Agatha, could you please help link me up with a girl in University of Port-Harcourt (UNIPORT)? I will be grateful for this. Here is my number, 07031172759. O.B

Hope People Won’t Complain If I Marry My Stepbrother?

Hope People Won’t Complain If I Marry My Stepbrother?

With Auntie Agatha gataedo@yahoo.com, agatha.edo@gmail.com Tel: 08054500626            

Dear Agatha, 

I am 35 years of age and still single. None of the relationships I have entered into has ever lasted beyond three months in my entire life. The men always find one way or the other to dump me. I have since lost count of the many men I have dated all because I want to be married. 

Funny enough, these men usually don’t have any concrete reason for dumping me. 

However, last year I ran into my stepbrother. His father was married to my mother. He only stayed with us briefly before he left for the United States to further his studies. Being older than I am and his stay with us very short, we didn’t get to be friends so didn’t bother to keep touch. 

I didn’t even recognize him when I met him in my boss’ office. He was the one who did. His father and my mother died six and five years ago respectively.

We exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch. We both discovered we were both still single and looking for partners. One thing led to the other and he asked me out. I won’t pretend I don’t like him or lie about our intimacy. 

The issue now is, he is asking me to marry him, but is it right to marry him? Is it acceptable considering that his father was married to my mother? I am the only child of my mother just as he is the only one of his father. 

What do I do now, because I happen to love him so much, but scared of what people who knew our parents would say?

Ola.

Dear Ola, 

Even if it isn’t right for the two of you to marry, you both have already slept with each other. So, the issue of whether it is right to marry him or not is belated. 

From my investigations on the matter, there is nothing stopping both of you from marrying. Beyond the fact that your parents married each other, you and this boy are not related. You two are perfect strangers that circumstances brought together first when your parents married and later in life. 

To be successful in life, you must learn to be a little bit selfish because nobody loves you as much as you love yourself. Yes, you need the love and support of friends and others to succeed but when it comes to defining one’s happiness, learn to depend more on yourself.

People will always talk; as a matter of fact, this is what so many people do best. Talk about other people and in the process stop these people they are talking about from being happiness. Nobody ever gives another person happiness on a platter of gold. You must work towards achieving it on your own, so ignore whatever anybody is going to say and concentrate more on how much happiness and difference this man is going to make in your life.  What should concern you now is how much of this man you know. Irrespective of the challenges you have gone through in the past can you trust him with your life? It is important you do, because having waited this long, it will be most unfortunate to end up with the wrong partner. You must be clear about the ability of this man to keep you happy as well as your own preparedness to submit to him in the way God designed it from the beginning. 

This is why you must not concentrate too much effort on the physical side of the relationship. That is one aspect of a relationship that will always be there. In your interest, look deeper into him. Make sure there is no wife and children somewhere living abroad. Get to know everything about him, his temperament, attitude and character. Do you consider him dependable enough to stand by you when the challenges of the two of you living together come calling? You must be able to trust him at all time because that is the only time you can be loyal to him. 

In turn you have to learn to be caring, understanding, respectful, patient, honest, tolerant and very prayerful to overcome the challenges of your past. That you have had the numerous experiences of disappointment shows that you have some pressing spiritual matters to attend to. Aggregate all the mistakes you have made in your previous relationships to make this one better. 

Go to God in prayers to avoid carrying whatever is causing you these disappointments over into marriage. Let God Himself show you what to do and where to go for assistance. He only sees and knows the end from the beginning. If it is deliverance you need, He will show you the source of the problems to make your deliverance complete. 

Unless God intervenes, this kind of problem doesn’t just vanish. It goes away to manifest in another man. So before anything else, ensure you deal with it once and for all to prevent it overshadowing your happiness later in life.

Good luck. 

Wednesday, December 16
My Stepmother Divides Our Family

Dear Agatha,
We lost our mother sometime in March 1975 and our father remarried in 1979. We had what a child will call a difficult childhood without a mother. My father’s wife never for one day treated us as her children. We were, to her, another wives to my father.

However, when we became of age I told my siblings never to repay evil for evil, and that whatever happened be regarded as part of our destiny. To an extent, they all agreed with me. Her three children had free access to our homes, finances. Anyone who didn’t know would think we are all from the same mother. God used us to sponsor them through universities, a fact our father knows and says.
Despite this, she still refused to give us our due respect or treat us as her own. Being Christians, we ignore her especially as we all live far from home. While we do not lay claim to being saints, we believe there are no grievances that cannot be resolved.

Going by her children’s attitude these days, it is becoming apparent they too want separation from us. To be honest, it isn’t as if I am afraid of trouble, but not one within the family set-up.
Agatha, how do we handle this situation so that we can all come together as a family? What role must each of us play and what do we tell our father. He is aged and sad about this development.
Kindly advise me.
Anthony.




Dear Anthony,
The major problem came from your father. Had he from the beginning curbed the excesses of his wife, insisted on all his children functioning as an entity from the same source, the situation wouldn’t have endured to this level.
There is no way you can get someone who doesn’t want to be part of a team to play your game. The wise thing to do is to allow them be. Until they desire it, you will only be wasting your time trying to make them dance to your rhythm. There has to be a corresponding desire from their end for any effort you and your mother’s children make to be fruitful.
Frankly, the only person who can do anything about it is your father. He must be concerned about what happens to his family at his death. If his family were divided when he is still alive, what would happen when he dies?
As the next head of the family, there is the need for you to go to him to impress it on him to call a family meeting of his wife and all the children. At the meeting he should give everybody the chance to speak out his or her fears and grievances. His wife should speak first. This is to ensure she sits through the meeting and stop her from accusing you and your father of setting up the meeting to humiliate her.
As the woman of the house, let her tell all of you what her fears are. Thereafter, starting from you, each child should be given the chance to talk.
During the meeting, the issue of inheritance should be discussed. While your stepmother may shy away from telling the meeting her real reason for maltreating your mother’s children, you shouldn’t. If God is blessing you and your siblings so much so you were all able to pay the school fees of her children, you and your siblings should meet to discuss what you all intend to do with your father’s property if there is anything.
But good wisdom demands that if the need be, allow her and the children have their fill, taking into account that life isn’t about the property we live behind, but the peace of mind we were able to enjoy. If her intentions have always been to corner the property for her children, nothing you do for her and her children would ever be enough or thaw her attitude towards you and your siblings.
It is the truth, one you cannot run away from no matter how religious you have become. So, in the interest of the unity of the family, you must be ready for some form of sacrifices, because with this type of person, only one way is good enough, her own way.
There is no pleasing this type of person, and if her children are anything like her, be ready for acrimony.
Family issues are the most difficult to resolve without the fear and wisdom of God. The issues go beyond your siblings and her. You would be surprised at the many unseen hands behind the issue you are now trying to resolve. A lot of your extended family members for personal reasons are waiting in the wings to help all of you remain divided because it is only in a crisis that they can benefit. For this reason, you must learn to let go of so many things, including what those who are not close to God term important things. If you are all true Christians and have the confidence in the God you serve to do all things, concede to her and her children whatever they want. It will never stop you from reaching where God has ordained. It would instead stop them from executing their evil plans against you and your siblings. Immediate victories are usually not the enduring ones rather those won after a long period of sacrifices are usually the lasting ones. Give her and her children their victory today and allow God give you the everlasting kind, the type that would see them coming back to you in later years to ask for forgiveness.
That should be your attitude at the meeting with your father and his household. God will give you the wisdom to do what is right.
Good luck.

Tuesday, December 15
After He Duped Me, Bid Bye On Frown Face


Dear Agatha,
God bless you for your wonderful advice and may God continue to bless and increase you in all your doings.
I am the same person that wrote about his refusal to come to the house.
I met this guy who is 32 years of age six months ago and fell in love with him. Before we started dating he was the one making all the calls as well as sending all text messages. Suddenly, he changed. He stopped calling me as frequent as before. He started complaining about lack of money to load his phone on account of him not working. Because I love him so much, I didn’t complain too much.
There is this particular business he indicated interest in, but couldn’t venture into due to lack of funds. One day while at work he called to know if I could help him secure a loan from a bank. He suggested I use my salary account as security to get the loan.
The money he mentioned was much. After he dropped the phone, I sat back to think and came to the conclusion that it was too risky a thing for me to do. Even if I have such an opportunity, I would rather use the money to further my studies or invest for my mother.
However, I decided to give him N40, 000 out of my monthly contribution in the office as demonstration of my loyalty to him.
Before the sallah break, we didn’t agree on whether we would see or not. A day before sallah, I called him to ask if he wanted us to see. He said there was no problem and that he was at home.
That Friday night I tried to call him, but his phone was switched off, I tried his line throughout the night, but wasn’t available. He, however, picked it in the morning only for him to ask if I have anything to give him. He however told me to come over to his house. When I was almost at his house, I called to inform him that I was almost at his place. To my surprise, he told me I should have told him before leaving my house because he wasn’t at home.
I still decided to proceed to his house, that notwithstanding.
When I got there, I got the biggest shock of my life as I met him with another girl watching a movie while the floor was littered with used condoms.
He greeted me as if I meant nothing to him and made the introductions.
Agatha, I can’t believe the humiliation as well as the disappointment. He didn’t even bother to come after me as I left his house. When he later called, it was not even to apologise but to query me on the rights I have to be monitoring him.
I felt both pity and shame for myself. It all snowballed into anger forcing me to send him a text message to refund my money. He replied that he didn’t have the money to pay. At the church, he said the same thing when I went to demand for my money. He didn’t stop at that, he called me a mad girl. And asked why should he be sorry for what he did, that if I wanted him to go on his knees to beg me?
It is so painful that after all the sacrifices, energy I put into building the relationship, this is what I get from a man I gave so much? He actually sent me a text never to ask for the money again and to let him be. It is particularly hurtful because we worship in the same church.
Agatha, will I be able to forgive him? Even if I do forgive him will I be able forget it?
Disappointed Lady.



Dear Disappointed Lady,
At one time or the other in the course of having relationships with members of the opposite sex, we have all had our fingers burnt. All you did for him, you did out of love so don’t hurt yourself any more than you already are by dwelling on the disappointment this relationship turned out to be.
The best thing to do now is to take stock of your own mistakes in all these. The exercise is intended to help you recognise the obvious signs of deception you ignored in this relationship.
The truth is, he never pretended to love or cherish you. You did all the loving and sacrifices. Perhaps you presented yourself too desperate to marry him, and he took advantage of you. It is the mistake many women make. Not every relationship is meant to end in marriage. Hence a relationship must be allowed to grow healthily before plans are made.
When a man senses a woman is too much in a hurry to end up as his wife, chances are he begins to misbehave and take advantage of her feelings. There is no contesting the fact that this man took advantage of your feelings, knew you wanted him and were willing to do anything to keep him.
When he started to complain about lack of money to call you, you should have known that something wasn’t too right especially as he had money to call and send numerous text messages to you while he was still asking you out.
The natural question should have been where did the money come from to make all those calls? The second sign came when he tried persuading you to use your salary account to get a loan for him without discussing it first with you or the mode of payment.
A man who has the interest of his woman at heart would have first broached the matter with her, discussed the business with her, listened to her inputs, jointly considered the viability, the gestation period as well as the projected time for profit. That he didn’t do any of these before asking you to take a loan for him ought to have raised alarm bells in your head?
If it is any consolation, in some ways, in the process of falling in love we have all, at one time or the other, being taking advantage of. You made a genuine mistake, one that a more reasonable and honest man would have appreciated. Don’t ask him for the money again. It makes you a much better and successful person that he is. Any man who does what he did to you isn’t worth crying over. Instead, you should count yourself very lucky that the loss isn’t much. What would you have done if you had gone ahead to help him secure the loan?
What do you think would happen if in the process of your being together, you got pregnant, do you think him responsible enough to take charge of the situation? Sometimes when God does things in our favour we, in our foolishness, think He is against us. That you discovered him and his ways early should make you extremely happy because if you hadn’t, chances are that you would still have continued to invest monetarily in him. How would you have felt if you didn’t discover him early enough and had continued to hope and put in all your resources in this relationship?
You must forgive if you want God to continue to have mercy on you. Despicable as his actions are, you need to allow memories of the pains he inflicted on you go, because to continue to hold on to them is telling God that you want to fight the battle by yourself. Like the money, forgive him. It remains the best way to be happy and victorious in life. The truth is that both of you weren’t intended to be an item. Refusing to forgive him is like telling God He made a mistake in His choice of a partner for you. Without him leaving your life, the right person won’t have the opportunity to come into your life. What you should do now is to pray that God sends the right man to you as soon as possible, someone who would care and appreciate the uniqueness that is you, not a man who would not think twice before humiliating you in the presence of his numerous girlfriends.
No man who has the fear of God in His heart would do that to the woman in his life. Even if he plays around he would go the extra mile to ensure his main woman never gets a hint of his foul play. For him to have humiliated you in such a way is enough prove that you and this man were never meant to be.
Good luck.



Is Henry Attanashious Reading This?


Dear Agatha,
I have a friend whose name is Henry Attanashious. He hails from Adamawa State, a Bassama tribe.
I lost contact with him since 1995, and have since been trying to get him, but to no avail. I would be grateful if anyone who knows him contacts me through this number,
08035939303.
Peter Olorunmaye.

Carrying His Baby Months After I Left Him!

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very difficult position. One I would find extremely difficult to explain to my former boyfriend. I honestly don’t even know how to explain it to myself let alone any other one, because it is a very strange thing.

My ex-boyfriend and I went our different ways about five months ago, and since then I haven’t slept with another man on account of the way we separated. I caught him with one of my very good friends. For me, it was the height of it all. Prior to that time, we have had issues concerning his ability to keep his pants zipped up.

Because I have always been told that relationship takes time to form, I kept enduring the situation for four years. But catching him with my friend was more than I could endure. I didn’t give him the chance to explain anything and told him in clear terms that I don’t ever want to see him. Even when some of his friends came to beg and explain that I should give him a chance to explain what really happened, I ignored them all. My parents also tried to speak on his behalf, but backed off when I made my stance very obvious.

I honestly thought I was rid of him until I discovered that I am about five months pregnant. The shock isn’t the pregnancy, but the way my body concealed the knowledge from me. Like I said, we have gone our separate ways and I am carrying his baby inside of me. How do I convince him that the child is his? How do I present the case to him and his family after telling him I am through with him? Will he believe me? Will he ever accept the child as his own? How do I bring a child whose birth would be clothed in controversy into the world? How do I explain the whole matter to my parents or his for that matter? Would he believe I didn’t know about the pregnancy until now? At 32, who would believe I didn’t know I was pregnant till now?

The few friends I told are divided in opinion. While some think abortion is still possible at this stage of the pregnancy, some think I should go ahead and have the baby on my own, since I have a good job without telling the father. Yet others think I owe myself and baby the responsibility of informing the father. And that even if he denies, at least, he would be aware of the existence of the baby.

I am in a very tight corner. Please help me. I love to have a baby, but not in this controversial manner. A doctor I contacted said it was too risky to abort the child at this stage. He also explained that some women don’t experience the usual signs and agrees it is inexplicable. I am so confused because even if he accepts I don’t want to marry him again. There is no way I can marry a man I don’t trust. And I don’t want to be a single mother either.

Iremide.

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Dear Iremide,

I don’t subscribe to you aborting the baby whatever the situation. A child is a gift from God and only He has the right to touch a life. He takes and gives as He pleases. It isn’t in your place to do that. The fact that He didn’t allow you the pleasure of experiencing the natural signs a woman notices when she gets pregnant shows that this child is meant to be.

What this means is that this child is very determined to come and any attempt by you to terminate its life could result in your death too. So, be careful. At any rate, have you bothered to consider God’s reason for making all these happen? Naturally, when a woman takes in, her flow is expected to stop even if she is one of those lucky women who don’t experience nausea, spitting and discomfort associated with the early days of pregnancy. That none of these happened shows the benevolent hands of God at work.

Rather than worry at what this man would say, why not begin by thanking God for this special gift? I know and understand all the different shades of feelings you are going through as well as the attendant confusions, but going first to God would help you put things in their proper perspectives.

First, you have to accept the reality of the baby growing inside of you. That is not negotiable. You must have the calmness of mind to accept that no matter what happens between the father and you, this baby has come to stay and for a while may be your sole responsibility.

Once you have the grace to accept the baby as part of you, the attendant strength to face the hostility, condemnation as well as all the other negative attitudes from people around you would come from nowhere. This will help you know what advice to take and those to ignore. For instance, you will learn to shut out from your life those friends asking you to terminate this pregnancy. This is particularly necessary, because you caught your man with one of these so-called friends. Only the spirit of God can tell you the truth at all times.

Those urging you to abort a five months old pregnancy don’t mean well for you. A lot can go wrong even if you entrust your life to the best doctor in the world. What would be your story if you end up having damaged womb? Would say you lost your womb due to fears of raising a child alone? Would any of these friends give you any of their children to call your own? At 32, are you not old enough to be a mother or make your decision? Besides, have you stopped to consider the viability of your biological clock? What about the spiritual angle, the destiny of the individual? What if God reveals to you that child is meant to be your only child in life? Would you still be ashamed to care for it or make excuses for your reason to get rid of it?

If you have never given him cause to suspect you, lied to him, he would believe you. Only a man who doesn’t trust his woman or running away from responsibility would deny a woman he has slept with. Don’t judge or condemn him even before giving him a chance to defend his honour as a man. Yes, he may appear irresponsible to you on account of his behaviour, but when it comes to the issue of knowing that he is about to be a father, don’t deny him his rights. Your body may be incubating the child, but he is the father. Hence he has the right to know because you didn’t make the baby alone.

Even if he doubts the paternity of the baby, modern medicine has made such thing so simple. A DNA could be conducted on the foetus to determine the paternity or on the baby after birth.

Telling him doesn’t mean you have to go back to him if you don’t want to, but it would give both of you the chance to discuss the well being of this child God has graciously given to the two of you.

Overtime, it would also give you two the chance to re-assess your relationship. This child could be God’s way of forcing you to listen to the wise counsel of all those who tried to talk you out of your decision. There is no way you both won’t talk about the past if both of you plan to play prominent roles in the life of this child.

Until you listen to him, you won’t know how your friend ended up in the position you caught both of them. Have you ever tried considering the fact that your friend out of jealousy may have planned everything to ensure you broke up with him?

You will never know the true nature of some of your friends or motive of their friendship unless you hear this man out. Listening doesn’t mean you should forgive him, but knowing what actually transpired that day would go a long way in helping you understand a lot of things happening around you.

Whatever happens between the two of you, the interest of the child should always come first, because at the end of the day that is what would count the most.

Good luck.

I Find Good Girl At Last, But Far Distance

Dear Agatha,

My relationship with members of the opposite sex hasn’t been very smooth, hence my need of your help.

I have had the fortune of meeting women who end up hurting me. There was one, whom I gave my whole heart and wealth. Despite my commitment to her, she left me to marry another man.

After she left me, I went into another relationship only for her to be putting unnecessary pressures on me. She kept asking when I would come and see her people to start marriage process proper. I told her it would take a while due to the situation of things. She got angry and left me. That was how that relationship ended. We were sleeping together without any form of protection due to the confidence we have in each other.

Recently, I fell in love with a girl who loves me as much as I do her, but the challenge we are facing has to do with our locations. She stays in Aba while I work in Lagos. She is complaining about the distance and the loneliness, but there is no way I can leave my job to be with her.

The question now is what do I do?

Samuel.

---

Dear Samuel,

It is natural for her to complain, but then she must be made to understand this early to value the essence of you working as well as your lack of control over where your employer posts you.

Often than not, it has to do with the issue of trust. Being away from each other, you both risk the danger of capitulating to other relationships, especially you as a man. This is her fear. Every woman wants to be near her man both for company and to ensure security of her position. Underneath her complains are fears of someone else taking her position in your life.

She needs assurances that your love for her is solid and would not be replaced by another woman. Explaining to her what makes her unique would go a long way in assuring her of the truthfulness of your words as well as the depth of your feelings for her. In addition, always make out time every day to talk to her. Both of you may be separated by distance, but talking on the phone regularly guarantees the excitement of the relationship. Even if both of you are together and fail to explore the art of effective communication, the relationship will still suffer. One of the advantages of distant communication is that it teaches the couple to talk openly about almost anything and everything. This is one thing both of you can grow to your advantage. Whether you are both together or not, being able to communicate dispels a lot of suspicions as well as gloom that comes from two people who love each other passionately staying apart.

Also encourage her to come for visits when she feels like. Don’t attempt to restrict her desire t o see you whenever she feels like. Giving her a date to come and when not to come could create suspicions in her heart. At all times, she must be able to come and go when she feels like. This will give her a measure of security that there is no one else in your life, and as well enable her to give you her trust to function in peace.

You have to give her enough room to trust you by going out of your way to be transparent to her even, though she lives far from you. If she knows she can call you at anytime of the day and you would pick the phone, even during official hours to at least explain to her why you can attend to her immediately as well as anytime of the night, she will have the confidence to give you her trust as well as the patience to make the relationship work.

On your part too, you must also take time out to visit her unannounced, because you also need the assurances that you can also trust her to remain above board.

Relationship is about mutual trust and confidence to move ahead.

Let her know ahead of days you would be very busy just in case you are unable to attend to her calls the way you should. Giving her a rough idea of what your daily schedule would look like will keep her informed about your movements, temperament, attitude, availability as well as unavailability at any particular time.

You could work your annual leave to conform with her holiday period if a student or with hers if she is a worker.

Furthermore, you both must have an idea of how you would progress and this must include a possible date of when you both plan to be together in the same place. This is important if the relationship is to progress beyond this stage. There is no way you can keep your living apart indefinite if you intend taking this relationship further than this. There must be an expiry date to this arrangement, because while true loyalty stabilises a relationship, the heart is the bridge that binds it. If the heart grows suspicious it becomes difficult to curtail.

Always ask for the grace of God to do what is right.

Good luck.