Religious Bias May Cancel Our Planned Unity

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for your advice to me. I appreciate all you said. My main problems are my parents, being their eldest female child, are pressurising me to marry. The second problem is the fact that the guy I am dating right now is a Muslim. I honestly don’t know how to present him to my parents. He is also not helping matters as he keeps telling me to begin to adapt to the ways of his religion. Whenever he says this, I never fail to tell him that I expect him to change to my way of religion and not me changing to his. Despite this we are very much in love.

On August 24, this year, I had a revelation about him that is really troubling my mind. I wept for him because in that dream, he had dated a lady with an unusual spirit who in turn has caused a lot of havoc in his life. He kept the secret from me all this while until this dream.

When we started dating, I told him to tell me everything about his life, but this particular one, he kept as a secret. I am confused.

I don't know what to do. I don't have any friend to confide in beside you. Please help me out.

Victorious.

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Dear Victorious,

This is a very challenging situation, one in which you have to be highly alert spiritually if you are to help this man resolve his problem.

The immediate issue now is to help him get out of the tangle his dating the wrong woman has gotten him into. Whether you both agree to shift to one religion or not, unless the spiritual control that other woman exercises over him is broken, there is little hope of you two being happy together.

God that showed you that revelation means for you to use it to help him out of the abyss he has unwittingly walked into. The thorny challenge of the religion you or he eventually adopt, may be laced into this problem.

Therefore, get him to tell you more about the woman and how deep is the damage she has done to his life. It is pertinent you know the strength of your opponent as well as the right arsenal to use to get victory.

In some cases, it is a simple case of going to apologise for any wrong done. Let him tell you what promises he made to her and how they both ended the relationship. If you want to do a good job, it is necessary you remain fair minded especially to the woman who isn’t there to state her own side of the story.

What did you man do to provoke her anger and subsequently the punishment? Doubtless, people with familiar spirit cannot be trusted, the fact remains that in some cases, they fight their victims on account of the wrong done them.

Let him understand at this point, it is in his interest to tell you the whole truth. And if he doesn’t deserve the treatment but done on account of him leaving her, then it is a case of you praying to God to have mercy and to intervene on the side of your man. That he is a Muslim or not has nothing to do with you going to God to help for the simple reason that He gave you the vision.

This is one battle you cannot win on your own, you need help. Confide in your pastor who is in the best position to support you with prayers.

he may have to go for deliverance because if he slept with her during the relationship, a covenant has been entered into by the two of them. the knowledge of sex between a man and a woman is one of the most powerful covenants between a man and woman because it is the one act that touches the three tiers of man; the body, spirit and the soul. This is why it is very easy for a woman who is out to destroy a man to do so easily because she has access to his spirit and soul.

The woman being the recipient of his seeds inside her body has extra powers to use this is advantage against the man.

This is why unmarried couples are told to zip up. Sex makes it easy for any woman to control the life of any man she has had contact with.

This hold can only be broken through the mercy and grace of God. Insist, if he loves you, he should go for deliverance else, in addition to your religious differences, you will be confronting a spiritual battle your relationship may not survive.

It is only after you conclude this, you can now address the issue of your religious differences.

A lot would depend on how much you both love each other and how strong your religious feelings are. If you are both too involved in your religion to let go, it might be very difficult to push because without a good unity between the two of you, the relationship will never be able to withstand the expected opposition from your different families.

So the issue you both should first sort out is how much your love for each other is worth. It is only this that would determine the sacrifices, compromises as well as the quality of your loyalty to yourselves. Sincerely, this is a decision nobody can make for you because when it comes to the issue of love and happiness, it is has the logo of privacy. What works for someone may not work for you.

This is the point for both of you to face the truth about yourselves, religions as importantly your feelings for each other. By the time you aggregate all these, you will know what to do.

Just stay close to God who knows and sees everything.

Good luck.

Raw Animosity From My Late Husband’s Kinsmen

Dear Agatha,

God bless you. My problem is killing me and since I have no friends and family, you are the only one I know to see me through in Jesus name.

My predicament started when I got married to my late husband some years back. His family never accepted me, never liked me from the very first day. I am an orphan and despite all odds, my husband loved and stood by me against the decision of his family.

When we got married, only his father was in attendance at the ceremony. He was very supportive and told the rest of the family he saw nothing wrong with me.

Unfortunately, I lost my father after my third child and my husband too, two years after. He left behind three children for me to look after.

After his death, all hell was let loose as the family came out strongly to accuse me of killing their son. They branded me a witch who left her parents in a less privileged home.

They pushed my children and I out of the house and with nowhere to go, I decided to pack into the church. The pastor, an elderly man, and his wife gave us a room in the church to stay.

But my husband’s people won’t have any of that as they went all out, spreading the rumours that the pastor and I were having an affair. The leadership of the church, to protect the reputation of the church, transferred the pastor out of the place. Before he left he gave me some money to feed the children, his number to always get in touch when we need anything as well as narrated my ordeal to the new pastor. The new pastor, who took over won’t have children and I living in the church because he didn’t want his name and reputation to be dragged in the mud.

As a matter of fact, he told us to leave a week after he resumed.

While all these were going on, my last child fell sick, and that resulted to death. It was a particularly harsh period for me. The pastor had to force the children and I out few days after I lost the baby.

Thank God I was able to save from the money the former pastor gave me. He was not only a pastor, but also a father and a mother to me. He took my children as his own even the wife made sure my children never lacked anything.

To regain my sanity and avoid the maliciousness of my in-laws, I decided to relocate particularly as my late husband’s people were planning to take away the children from me for what they called spiritual cleansing in their village.

Though I had nowhere in mind or place to stay, I ran away because they were determined to apply force to take children from me. Besides, it went against my religious beliefs, as a born-again Christian.

Agatha, right now, things are so difficult, but His grace shall always keep us. I have sent many messages to you through NIPOST, but never got a reply. Since I don’t know how to use a computer, I had to pay someone at the cyber café to do this for me. I came across your column when I visited my pastor, we read a story, and your advice was to the point and also very Godly.

For some time his number hasn’t been going through. He may have lost his phone and can’t reach me because my phone was also destroyed during the whole crisis.

Agatha, all I want you to do for me is to help publish this as well as get in touch with me for him get in do touch with us. This is my new number for him to get in touch. His name is Pastor, Godwill Okaeor.

Please help me.

Grace Amadi.

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Dear Grace Amadi,

The God who never disgraces widows, who is never known to vacate His ancient throne of mercy would never leave you and your children to suffer in life. At every point you call on Him, He will answer.

Just be strong for those children whose care God has given you the sole responsibility. Your current predicament isn’t unknown to God who sees and knows all things. He has allowed this to happen to train you to be stronger and also teach you some basic lessons in life. Having gone through this harrowing experience in life, you now know what it takes to be kind to people.

You will surely come through this whole episode smelling roses, once you have the faith and confidence in God.

What you should do now is to prepare yourself for the challenges of looking after those children in the best possible way you can. Granted, it would be difficult especially as you don’t have anybody to run to, but you will eventually overcome. Always commit them to the hands of God. When it is time for God to exalt you before the world comes, nobody would be able to stop the work from manifesting.

I am sure, your pastor, after reading this piece would get in touch with you. As for your other letters sent through NIPOST, I didn’t get any.

Whether the pastor gets in touch or not, keep faith with God as you struggle with the challenges of life. His is the only solid shoulders to lean on and you can be sure, he would raise other helpers for you.

Good luck.

My Ex Calls For Reunion

Dear Agatha,

When I was 20 years of age I took blood oath with my first girlfriend. That was in 2000. After graduation, I got employed into a stock-broking firm and rose to become a head of department. We broke up due to financial conflicts.

I met my wife when I went for the introduction ceremony of a friend. We have been married for eight years now and blessed with three sons. I now have my own firm and doing very well.

Last week, my ex started calling me, even though she knows I am married, that we get together since she is yet to marry because of the blood oath we took. According to her it can only be broken if we got back together.

Of course, I declined and told my wife about it because we don’t have secrets between us.

I feel for her but what can I do to help her?

Nosa.

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Dear Nosa,

You can help her by assisting her to go for deliverance. Your grace may be coming from your wife’s spiritual standing with God. Not everyone is that lucky. Blood oath carries along with it a very strong spiritual implication, which has to be broken through deliverance of both or one of the parties to move forward in life.

While insisting that her solution isn’t with you, help her go to any strong deliverance pastor you know to conduct a deliverance session for her.

Whether you like it or not, that exchange of blood gives her some spiritual powers over you, the type she can manipulate to her advantage if she is the diabolical type. And without still unmarried and trying her utmost best to get back with you, it’s best you ensure she gets off your back by doing all you can do now to help her get the deliverance from the consequences of the blood oath both of you took.

Since she is the one who seems to be carrying the baggage of that oath, plead for the understanding of your wife to ensure your ex becomes a permanent feature of the past else she could be a huge thorn in the harmony of your home. This is because a desperate and unhappy woman is capable of doing anything especially if the object of her desire seems to be having all the luck in the world.

Her calling you and insisting she wants to become a part of your life is only just the beginning so you need the help of an anointed man of God not only to conduct a deliverance on her but to assure that she is free to move on with her life.

In addition to the spiritual aspect, there is the psychological aspect to this issue, that of her blaming the oath for her predicament. She has to know that whatever setback is confronting her, can be redressed with right attitude by her.

Good luck.

I Love Him, But Can’t Grant Him His Demand

Dear Agatha,

There is this man who has a very comfortable job and who is willing to take care of me but says the only condition he will do that for me is for me to sleep with him.

According to him, sex will prompt closeness between the two of us. He has tried to make love to me. I don’t want to lose him but also don’t want to sleep with him. Please help me out.

Confused Spinster.

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Dear confused Spinster,

If this man is actually interested in helping you, he will not insist he sleeps with you as a condition for help.

Any man who says the only condition he will help a woman is to sleep with her is out to defraud her body. Such men are not to be trusted because once they get their fill of a woman, they will move on to another.

If this man is actually interested in helping or interested in you, he won’t give you such a condition at all. That he did, shows he is lacking respect for you as a woman. As a matter of fact you should walk away from him and do not contemplate the issue because you can get yourself confused in the process.

A man who is really interested in a woman doesn’t make such a proposition to her. To such a man, sex can always wait and certainly he doesn’t think it as a motivation for him to do anything for her. He offers assistance because he feels like it and out of a genuine desire to offer assistance to a friend and a woman that has touched a very special place in his heart.

With this type of man there are no guarantee that he won’t leave you for another woman once he has had you. He will still leave you whether you sleep with him or not. For him, sex is a game he enjoys engaging in to his delight and pleasure. He senses you are desperate for his help and so wants to use it to do his bidding. If you do it now, there is no stopping the number of times he will use your desire for his help to blackmail you into doing it.

Insist that you are not ready to sleep with him now or later, if he wants to help you, but until your wedding night. He has one choice: to help you without conditions or allow you go your way.

Money will come and go. Your reputation as a woman remains priceless. If you on the altar of money allow it to slip away, it can never be repurchased with all the money in the world. People in the know will always refer to it, no matter how rich you become in life.

As a young girl, learn from this early beginning that nothing glories a woman more than hard work. Granted it is a painful process up the ladder but in the long run it gives the woman the edge over others who slept their way to the top. Look for something on low scale you can do with or without the help of a man, eventually you will make more than enough to meet your basic needs and be able to make your own rules without any man forcing his choices on you.

Learn to be focused as well as determined to make it on your own. With God on your side, the sky will be just the beginning for you.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

You are doing a good job. Please, I need a mature and serious lady for a relationship that could lead to marriage.I am 35, Yoruba, graduate, employed and based in Lagos. The lady must be a Christian between the ages of 28-32 years of age. She could either be Yoruba or Ibo. My mobile is 08028444975.

Tope.

She Doesn’t Care About My Feelings

Dear Agatha,

I am addicted to your column and I must commend you for the good work.

I am in my mid 30s, married for six years with two lovely children. The reason I am writing has to do with our sexual desire and sex life as a couple.

We both enjoy foreplay and on my part I always strive to make her sexually comfortable, at least from the response of her body language during sex and from the few words she says, I know she is impressed.

However, I am bothered that this is a one-way thing. My wife prefers to lie back while I do all the work. She refuses to participate in the process. I have tried in many ways including complaining to her that foreplay is integral to my ultimate sexual pleasure, sometimes pulling her hand to touch and feel me.

I have at several times told her how it is for me and how she can help me reach my peak, but none of my efforts have worked.

All I get from my effort is an apology over her shortcoming and promises to make amends but forgets immediately we are back to the act. At first I thought she usually gets carried away when I am trying to arouse her for pleasure and in the process forgets the need for her to reciprocate the gesture but I am now very convinced that she just can’t be bothered about my feelings at all.

I say this because on those days she really craves for it and I am not engaged in other things, she does extraordinary things to bring me on the same page with her. On such occasions, she simply blows my mind with imaginative foreplay.

Agatha, I don’t know how to handle this issue and for me the idea of having an extramarital affair is out of it totally because I can’t handle it. I do really need your advice.

Worried Husband.

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Dear Worried Husband,

I understand your frustration because there is no substitute for quality sex for a married couple. It is a gift specifically created by God to help keep the mechanical wheel of marriage constantly lubricated. And it could be exasperating when one of the pair in the marriage is feeling cheated of this pleasure.

Having severally drawn her attention to the issue and failing to get a positive response from her, you may have to use subtle blackmail of your own having established the fact that it isn’t as if she is adverse to touching your body or lacks the knowledge of foreplay.

But not before drawing her attention to her attitude. Ask her why she goes all out to elicit your response when she is the one desirous of it and lays dormant when you are the one who wants the pleasure of her body. Make her realise that this attitude is giving you concern because it presents her as being selfish and unconcerned about your rights too to have as much fun as she is having from the marriage. If she refuses to act on this, you also reserve the right to use whatever means to ensure she appreciates that you also have water and blood running in your veins.

Having established the fact of her extraordinary prowess of the act on those days you are not up to it, why not enjoy the pleasure of making her do the work by pretending on most days not to be in the mood. We women are experts at not being in the mood when we have one or two points against our husbands. There is no law that prevents the man too from using sex as a weapon to enforce his rights at home. It is a game we women have perfected over the years and which get men doing what we want in exchange for the pleasure of our bodies. Take it from me it works because sex, being an animalistic urge is blind to reason at the critical stage hence approval to any request comes without thought or argument.

Having noticed she performs at her premium best, get her to kick-start the process before you key into it. This way, without you complaining, you get her to give you the type of pleasure you want before helping her to realise hers.

However, it is absolutely important you don’t forget what the motive is because that could lead to series of other problems in the marriage. The motive is to ensure you both achieve extraordinary heights in your relationship to prevent you, especially out of frustration, from having an extramarital affair and not to humiliate or punish her for her attitude towards your desire all these years. To do that would be to destroy your marriage as well as the trust you have both built into making it stand for the six years being married to each other.

The idea is actually to get her to want you so much and do things she normally would not do to and with your body. Because of the added pleasure that awaits her, she would soon realise that she has been shortchanging herself by refusing your full participation in the process.

This means that on your part, you must also be ready to add more imagination, incentives as well as abandonment only married couples can give to each other to make her want to continue on that path. Once she is hooked, she would not want it any other way than this one and would certainly make your marriage stronger.

Some of the issues we classify as high tension in marriages, which more often than not lead to very unmanageable problems, can be resolved with the right amount of wisdom. Besides, there is nothing prayers cannot do since you stand on every legal and spiritual grounds to seek the face of God on this matter.

I am glad you are not into the idea of extramarital affairs because it would only destroy the home, whereas turning the tables against her would make her do what you want without her realising the game you are playing.

In addition, help the process of melting her by taking her out, bringing back some of the romantic memories of the yester-years and making her want you in that special way a woman wants the most important man in her life.

In matters like this, getting angry won’t solve any problem at all, it would rather make it difficult for both of you to focus on the solution to it.

Good luck.

Pastors Say She’s From ‘Strong’ Family

Dear Agatha,

I thank you for the way you answer questions relating to relationships. I pray, God will continue to bless you with wisdom.

I am currently in love with a lady, who is seeking admission to continue with her Higher National Diploma and I promise to marry her. The problem, however, is that the lady is from a ‘strong’ family. Three pastors have called me aside to warn me against marrying the lady. According to them, I must be ready to fight if I marry the lady.

I am confused and don't know what to do. I am planning on leaving her, but don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings. I also want us to continue as friends even when we go our different ways. Please, I need your advice on what to do. I am 31 while she is 29 years.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What do you mean she comes from a ‘strong’ family? Is it spiritual or a family of tough people, principled persons who don’t like to be cheated? As pastors, they should be in a position to tell you what to do or if she is the right woman for you or not. This is because we all come from families with one history or the other, a history which isn’t devoid of fetish practices sometime in the ancient past, family of strange traditions and cultures. Many of us, pastors and religious leaders inclusive, are still struggling with the spiritual consequences of some of these traditions our ancestors got us into.

One of the challenges of taking a job in God’s vineyard is to help confused souls through the part of darkness into light. Having discovered the major challenge confronting her as a person, the next step for them is to help free her from whatever powers that are holding her captive.

Therefore, ask them what the panacea is. Leaving her isn’t a solution as such because the next woman may have more complications than hers. Since you wish to remain her friend, the law of proper friendship demands we offer assistance to our friends in time of need. Nobody may have told her about this aspect of her life, hence could be ignorant of why things might not be working well for her. That God has used you through these pastors to expose what is hidden in her life, go the extra mile by telling her about your discovery as well as what she can do to set herself free.

Remember, God says His people who are called by his name perish due to ignorance. Fate has a way of bringing people who are in different needs together for the sake of solving the major challenges in their lives. You may not know what your own flaws are or what salient spiritual battle is confronting you too, but God knows and could have sent her too to help drag you out of it.

If at 31, you still don’t have a stable relationship or an inkling of the type of woman for you, then something isn’t really right somewhere. Your willingness to jettison the relationship shows you don’t have a clear image of what you want in life as well as the needed determination to give you the push to achieve your dream in life.

By now you ought to know, no good venture is devoid of painful challenges as well as the struggle to make it work. In life is a road, too smooth at the beginning then something isn’t really right with it. If the opposition to your happiness is the history of her past, confront it with all the love and determination required to get you closer to your happiness.

Besides, what do you understand by love? Love comes with huge responsibilities; it is a journey of sacrifices, investment and unconditional giving. Would you have left her had these revelations come after your wedding? How much does the girl mean to you?

In matters like this, it pays to do a double check with God. Go to Him in prayers and supplication by asking for direct revelation on what steps you should take. Once God speaks, go the way He has directed irrespective of whatever anybody says. It is always best to err on the side of caution than regrets later in life because it is journey of numerous twists, turns as well as puzzle. Marriage is an individual thing and always best if the two people involved in it also go to God in prayers.

Your final decision should be based on what God says on the matter because His are the only words you can hold to. And if the instruction is for you to quit, go for the truth option. There is no substitute to telling the truth. She will eventually thank you for being so honest even though it may hurt her at the beginning.

Good luck.

My Parents Are Wrestlers In Our Parlour…

Dear Agatha,

I have lived my life watching my parents fight. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. I don’t know what love is.

Confused Girl.

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Dear Confused Girl,

That your parents’ example isn’t anything to write home about doesn’t remove from the fact that there is something called love. Despite the problems your parents seem to be currently having in their marriage, at one time or the other, love existed between them, strong enough to make the decision to spend the rest of their lives together.

You and your siblings are example of that love. Doubtless, something must have gone very wrong with them along the line to bring about this massive u-turn in their feelings for each other. At one time, they couldn’t get enough of the other.

The sad truth about marriage and falling in love is that it comes with a lot of painful sacrifices. One that a party in the relationship must decide on from the very beginning to help grow the union. Anybody can fall in love, but it takes dedication as well as the grace of God to sustain it.

The inability of the couple involved to take on the responsibility of making the right sacrifices is often the reason most end up bitter and dissatisfied with the choices they have made.

For anyone to remain in love, that person must at all times be ready to endure pains to share in the beauty of love.

Love is living in the body of your partner; it is being able to forgive the person of any offence, helping that person grow, showing respect, making huge sacrifices for that person through accommodation of that person’s faults, refusing to give up on that person even when all indices point otherwise, and uncertain as to where the relationship is headed. It is the failure of most couples to invest themselves into the happiness of their partners that bring about disappointments and bitterness.

For you to recognise love, you must have it yourself because what you don’t have, you cannot give. Learn to be patient, trustful, sincere, loyal, supportive, and tolerant with yourselves as well as understanding of yourselves. Above all, learn to be your own friend.

When you have invested time on making yourself happy, it is only then you can give these things to another person. A frustrated and impatient person can never be tolerant of another person neither can a self-centered be selfless.

Recognising these qualities in yourself makes it easier to focus on a person, who can bring about more improvement in you. It also makes it easier to know where the problem spot with your partner is as well as offer forgiveness at all times whether the person asks for it or not.

Again, communication makes it possible for couples to talk sincerely about their challenges instead of bottling up until it erupts into destruction. When couples quarrel like your parents are doing, it is because they haven’t mastered the importance of talking things over and coming to a middle ground. Love is also about responsibility and respectability. If you refuse to take proper responsibility for your actions, it follows you will lose respect of the other party.

Love is also about being realistic on all matters. Despite being a highly emotional thing, it often pays to be very realistic to avoid environmental frustration setting in.

When love comes your way, treat it like delicate chinaware, one that needs fragile handling, though it is tough enough to weather the storm of life. Love is tough but only if given enough attention and dedication to survive life’s challenges.

You can help your parents find the love they seem to have lost by offering them the right words as well as reminding them of their responsibilities to you all in addition to the example. By refusing to be judgmental and forgiving, you are giving them the benefit of having the best of you.

Whatever happens, don’t allow the example of your parents affect your ability to love or attitude towards marriage. Problems are concomitantly part of life, always to be solved. Once you have the right determination to make things work, they will.

When thorny issues come, it is always best to go on one’s knees to pray and ask for God’s wisdom. Not every matter requires a reply. Most battles in a relationship are best resolved through prayers to God, who has the ability to do all things right.

Good luck.

Not Ready To Hook Me, Yet She Hangs On

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your advice column. I commend your straight and unwavering answers to problems and questions.

In 2006 I lost my wife. She left behind two boys now eight and five years of age respectively. I was so devastated that all I thought of was just work and care for the boys.

I loved my wife so much. She was all I knew, we dated for over 10 years before we got married. It has always been only her in my life.

The whole of 2006 and 2007 never had any date for me. Surprisingly in late 2007 a girl working in my office walked into our life, it was like I had found all I wanted. She was all over the place, cared for the boys and in the process won my heart.

She told me from the beginning about her boyfriend who lived far off and that I should not read too much into her presence in my life. I never understood what that meant, because aside my wife, I don’t have any experience of dating another woman.

Since I have never double dated, it started giving me a lot of concern. I thought how could I be dating a girl I know has another man in her life? I called her and gave her end of March 2008 to make up her mind to either drop the other guy or forget about me. She would be 24 years soon.

Towards the end of June 2008, she said she wasn't going to continue with me, I asked her series of probing questions, trying to figure out why she took the decision to quit. I was particularly concerned about her feelings for the kids and how their presences contributed to the decision to quit. She assured it has nothing to do with them and that she would very much like to continue to be part of their lives and requested for permission to continue visiting them when I am not at home. She kept to her words.

However, I persisted in pursuing my interest in her. At one point she told me she has made up her mind to marry the other guy, because she can’t marry a man she does not love and wouldn’t want to end up regretting her decisions later in life. This time we stopped making love and only met at work place. She listens to lots of gossips, people were telling her I am tricky and all that, which were not true.

Some months later she was sacked from the company. She therefore decided to go back to her place. On the day she was to leave for her place she warned me to stop following her about, so it won’t appear as if she deceived me. We however kept the communication going as well as offer her financial assistance when the need arises.

Agatha, after all she told me months ago, that she can’t have anything to do with me anymore, all the insults as well as the bit about her making up her mind to marry the guy from her place, she has started coming to my house regularly and allows me to touch her, very much unlike before. She has started to care all over again as well as doing all those things that made me want her in marriage again.

I am confused and my concern now is why is she coming to me again? I am satisfied dealing with her from afar she has caused us, the boys and I, a lot of emotional pains. Could she be doing all these as a result of my financial assistance to her? I know the other guy is currently unemployed too and that she is the financial pillar in their family. I called and spoke to her about marriage again, she said she has not made up her mind and that she loves somebody else.

I am really confused as to why she is still coming when she is in love with another man, a school certificate holder. She and I are graduates.

Please, I need your advice, I don't want to make mistake. I don’t know what she has planned this time around. One thing I find very satisfying in her is her large heart for children. Besides she is the only person that has shown real concern for my kids.

Anonymous.

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Dear Anonymous,

It is obvious she is torn among her love for her boyfriend, her attachment to your children and the financial stability she derives from being with you.

Doubtless, she has some measure of feelings for you but not enough to make you happy with her. She will always find a special place in her heart for the man who has captured it to stay permanently.

To prevent yourself and children from getting hurt by her indecision, it is in all your interest you stop her coming to your house to see you or the children. Frankly, it was wrong of you to expose your children to a relationship you weren’t sure will lead anywhere. More so, as she told you about the existence of a boyfriend in life, take a cue from this entire experience and learn to keep your affairs under the lid until you are sure where it leads. It doesn’t augur well for the emotional stability for your children to be exposed to your numerous women until you have a definite answer on where a relationship is headed. To do so isn’t only to call your moral values to question where your children are concerned, but to give them the impetus too to be reckless when the time for them comes to be dating. The example you give now would go a long way in affecting how these children behave in future.

Remember you are the only solid feature in their lives now, their hero and role model, hence would want to pattern their lives after yours.

This is why you must do everything to protect your integrity as well as those of your children. You may love this girl and want her in your life, but her conduct shown that she doesn’t want what you want. Her attachment and sentiments for the children may be real, but she really has business with you and if her feelings for you is shallow there is no way she can make a good mother to the children. Eventually her resentment of you would affect her free flow with the children.

To give both of you time to do a thorough re-appraisal of your feelings for each other, stop any contact with each other for a while. Use this time out to think of what you really want from life and women generally, especially a new woman coming into your life. Don’t make the mistake most widowers do, trying to cast their relationships in the mould of the one they had with their late wives. Things don’t usually work that way.

Yes, the woman coming into your life must meet up to your basic requirements, but be sure those requirements are not determined by peculiarities of the late wife. We all come with special features hard to replace. In everything you do, the memory of the ex must be buried before you can think of having a life with another woman.

Again, you must look at the reason people gossiped you to her. Were there basis for what these people said to her? Even if you don’t think they were right about you, consider the motive behind it. The post-mortem is to help protect your relationship from malice as well as similar challenges.

To be very honest, there is nothing you can do about her unless the initiative comes from her.

For now, get to spend time with the children, let them know you because they need this time with you, to build memories, to be part of your life before a woman comes in again.

There is nothing that can be achieved by trying too hard to make things happen unless God ordains it.

In addition, learn to pray for God’s blessing and presence in your life. At His time, the right woman would come.

Good luck.

Doubt Her Sincerity To Marry Me…

Dear Agatha,

God will grant you more wisdom to do more for humanity, and his mercies to excel in life.

I am a guy of 24 years of age who has this friend of immense contribution to my spiritual life. We finally met three weeks ago, although we have been seeing each other from afar, exchanging greetings but with no close contact. To me, she is more than a friend because she called to confess that ever since we met three weeks ago, she hasn’t been the same. She said that something sparked inside of her at that close meeting.

She told me I am not supposed to be where I am and wanted to know if I am married. She went on to say if I have any problem that I don’t know who to call, I should feel free to call her and that she would do anything to help me. I fell in love with her from the first day I saw her too, but due to the nature of my work, I am a security man, I got scared to approach her.

But now, her love is going deeper in me that if God permits I would love to marry her because she is God fearing, I think, she is my type.

Since then, I have been praying to God to give me sign concerning her, but nothing yet. Now, I want to tell her my mind, but don’t know how, because I am scared she could refuse me and don’t want to lose her as a friend.This is because while she is a graduate and employed, I am just a school certificate holder. She might love to marry in future, but for now I don’t have what a man has to begin a family.

I am still struggling and don’t know her age too. Please advice me. I love her and don’t know what to do.

Worried Man S.A

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Dear Worried Man S.A,

I honestly think you are rushing too much into your menu and putting the last thing first. If both of you are just meeting for the first time, three weeks ago, how much of a contribution has she made in your life to warrant you saying she has influenced your life spiritually?

I know all about falling in love and how heady the sensation can be, but when it comes to issue of making the right choice, it is imperative that a lot of thoughts and consideration are put into it.

If you are just a secondary school holder and working as a security guard, your concern now should focus on how to improve yourself to enhance the quality of your life. While she may not mind having you in her life, still in the interest of your ego as the man and head of the family, strive to improve on your lot in life.

This has nothing to do with her love for you or yours for her but your role and place in her life later in life. This has to do with human psychology. For now, with the magic of love so strong and potent in life, she may not mind having you in her life. But how far this determination and love can go would depend on her attitude later in life when time has mellowed the potency of young love and reality sets in.

Being a graduate, would she ever be able to allow you play the role of her head with the pride this responsibilities demand? Since age is still on your side and responsibilities haven’t set in to rob you of concentration and finances, there is no harm in enrolling for one of the many part-time programmes in town.

There is also the need for both of you to pause your fast tracking of this relationship. Rather than planning marriage and wedding bells, begin as friends. Get to each other, your likes, dislikes, temperaments and how much of good friends you can be to the other. Marriage is more than two people coming together to fulfill their erotic desires; there must be a unity of the soul, spirit, and body. Unfortunately, many couples are more concerned about the body aspect to the neglect of the vital two that eventually determine which way the marriage would head.

As friends, you will be able to discuss difficult issues without shame or fear. For instance, the issue of your education can be discussed effectively under the platform of friendship without you feeling inferior to her. This is the potency of friendship. It has excellent shock absorbers that help friends make amends at every twist and turn that come from two strangers coming together to establish a lasting relationship.

As a friend call her and tell her everything about you. It always pays to be honest at every point in life. She will appreciate you the more if you do.

Good luck.

He Wants Wife, I’m Thinking Of Further Study

Dear Agatha,

I really appreciate the way God has been using you to solve people’s problem. I have a little problem that I would want you to help tackle. I am into a relationship that, by the special grace of God, would see both of us marrying each other.

He has actually asked me to marry him next year. The problem now is that I don’t want to get married next year. I have told him to let the matter rest for now, but he is adamant. I have tried persuading him to allow me get to three hundred levels first, but kept pleading with me to see reason with him.

Doubtless, we are seriously in love with each other, but I am yet to gain admission into any university, though I hope to very soon.

He has assured me he would take care of my education. What do I do? Should I accept his proposal for the marriage next year? My mind is not matured for marriage now. I am just 20 years old.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

It is a complex situation, one that requires wisdom to deal with. The first place to begin is your heart. What do you understand by love and the attendant sacrifices that come with it?

Love means learning to live in the mind of another person, making sacrifices and compromises. If both of you are serious about spending the rest of your lives together, you have to learn to discuss thorny issues like this and come up with a middle road approach.

Why does he want to marry you next year? What are the major challenges he is facing? Are you both abstaining from sex? How old is he and what social or emotional pressure is he facing to warrant this desire?

Can you identify with any of the issues he is giving as reasons for wanting to marry you? Do you suspect his motive for wanting you to be his wife now? Do you think his reasons are selfish, unfair, and insensitive? Or has it to do with lack of trust?

These are issues you have to honestly find answers to. Nobody can make the decision for you since it concerns your entire life.

Rather than dismiss his suggestions out rightly, listen again to him. Why is he insisting? Ask him all over again to enable you do a thorough research into your mind’s eyes, to help you know how getting married now would affect your dream, plans and focus.

It is also important you know if he is the right man for you and vice versa. Both of you especially him must know what he is getting into, because there is more to marriage than two people living together. Has he the temperament, wherewithal as well as the attitude to stay with a woman? How would three years affect your feelings for him or his for you?

Marriage isn’t something one rushes into unless he or she is very sure to avoid its ugly side. The consequences of a hasty decision to marry are best avoided hence better to wait until one is absolutely sure.

If lack of maturity is what you are playing up, you have a valid point but one he would understand better if you first listen, reason and agree to compromises. You have to earn each other’s trust to be able to move this relationship beyond this point of confusion.

Don’t wait for him to bring up the matter again. After thinking out your reasons as well as your options, go to him with a middle ground thing. If he is insisting, it should be next year and you want it in three years time, agreeing on two years is a fair deal if both of you really want to spend your lives together.

Let him be convinced by your actions that you are as interested in him as he is in you. Only pleading for time will really make you ready for him. Insisting on your ways would only re-enforce the reasons for wanting marriage so soon.

You have to give him every reason to trust you especially if he is the one to sponsor your education. Sincerely, flowing from the bad experiences of other men who were dumped by women they sponsored through school, he may be having doubts about you, but one an honest approach on your part can erase. Don’t forget he is the one with the most to lose, not you. For most people, maturity comes with dedication and fairness at all times.

Go to God in prayers for clearer answers.

Good luck.

My Father Warns Against Late Marriage

Dear Agatha,

I am really grateful for the response you gave to my problem about the boyfriend I have been dating for three years who doesn’t seem to want anything else than travelling abroad against my persistent plea that he engages in something positive at least until he gets the visa.

My new problem is that it isn’t so easy to find a good man, as most men are simply out to catch fun these days.

Although, I am 25 but wouldn’t want to marry late. Besides, my daddy isn’t helping matters as he keeps reminding me I am of age and doesn't want me to end up like my stepsisters, over 30 yet unmarried.

Agatha, I am really worried because I don’t want to make any mistake by marrying the wrong person, because I have always longed for a very happy married life, which my parents don’t have.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

There is always a time and season for everything. When it is your God ordained time, things would happen without struggles.

The greatest mistake you can make is to get desperate over an issue you have no control over. Marriage isn’t a journey you embark on because others are doing it. It is a highly spiritual and individualistic journey that requires the input of God and His presence to bring it into being.

Our contribution to marriage is to listen to the inner voice of God, to point at the directions we should go and what to look out for in a man or woman we intend to share our lives with.

The real challenge before you isn’t the lack of male attention in your life but knowing what to look out for. If you were to come across a man that has the potentials to be your husband now, how would you know? What must your ideal man have? Are you the kind that places emphasis on a man’s look, the size of his pocket and the flashy cars that grace his exotic home?

Or are you the kind of girl who likes a man with an inner beauty, who has very enduring qualities like good character, supportive, tolerant, understanding, caring, responsible, respectful and above all, the fear of God, in her heart?

Many a time, mistakes come from the wrong values we project in the beginning of our lives. Today many young women are finding it increasingly difficult to get younger men to marry because these younger men are no longer as interested in marriage as before.

The liberal life young women began with the slang of women liberation, being able to survive without a man has made men too weary to settling down with a woman when they have the freedom also of having children as well as their freedom.

The materialism age projected by the young girls through their romances with sugar daddies with obscene money to lavish, considerably made the younger men who were increasingly losing their girls to these rich older men, more determined too to make money at all cost to bid for the hearts of these young girls, who once shunned them.

Because these men are convinced that money is the name of the game and the surest visa to a woman’s heart, they have no conscience, as long as they have money to spend treating any woman in their lives shabbily.

Again, many young girls are suffering heartaches due to the moral values they project of themselves. By nature men are hunter and would always demand for anything from the woman. It is the business of the woman to dictate the limits she is willing to go with any man, but a lot of girls, who, like you, are desperate to marry end up playing the game according to the rules set by men, which in the long run unfortunately backfires on the woman.

Don’t allow anybody, including your father, push you into a situation you may end up regretting later in life. This is because a bad marriage has the potentials of destroying many other things in your life especially if you are the strong emotional type whose system can get over shock easily. More often than not, such women end up very depressed, miserable and very bitter about life.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes to know what to avoid and what not. Since your father is the one pressurizing you into an early marriage, ask him to help you with tips on what to avoid and what not. There is no better teacher like experience. Helping you with these hits is helping you to secure a bright future, prepare you for the challenges of marriage and what your would be husband expects of you as his wife.

It is one of the best legacies he can bequeath you in the sense that most mistakes in marriages can be better managed if parents obliged their children with the benefit of their own experiences.

Let him know that sharing his experiences with you will go a long way into making your marriage one he can be proud off. His duty doesn’t end with asking you to get married, but ensuring you are happy too.

Importantly, you must help yourself learn to set realistic targets for yourself. No marriage is an equal opportunity thing. It strives on respect, dialogue, selflessness, patience, and the fear of God. As the woman, you must learn to endure and never compare your man or marriage with another person’s. Be contented with the choice God has made for you, because we all come in different sizes and colours. One of the costly mistakes a lot of women are making is to pattern their lives and marriages alongside the views of others. Always be bold to project what you really feel even if it means being given tags by your friends and society. Eventually, these same people will become envious once your ways are working well for you. Be wise if you want to be happy in life. When a man sees a woman, who is realistic and reasonable, he would want to stay around her for life.

Good luck.

Where Are These Men Hiding?

Dear Agatha,

I want to start by appreciating your work on people's life. May God give you the spirit to move on both in your life and other people's lives. I have a problem disturbing me. The forces me to always ask, where on earth are the good men hiding? Hope to see your reply.

God bless you.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

Like gold you have to look deeper for the real thing. The problem these days isn’t the unavailability of good men, but the wrong values a lot of girls are putting up. Many young girls of these days have since forgotten to look at the hearts of the many men that come to them, rather they are more interested in how deep his pockets are, how many flashy cars are packed at his ultra modern home and the connection he comes with.

So, naturally the men have learnt to repackage, telling lies to entice the girls who seems to have gone highly materialistic.

Young girls are increasingly having their hearts broken, their bodies defrauded because the men who are interested in them, who would give them peace as well as respect, lack the material things they want.

It is only expected in a society where wrong values have become the order of the day that pains and anarchy would reign supreme.

If you want to catch the good men who have since withdrawn to their shells, learn to be realistic. Look at what a man has inside of him and not the size of his pocket or the quality of his friends.

There is a lot of wisdom in humble beginning, a thing so many young girls seem to have forgotten. Not everything that glitters is gold. Women, who place too much emphasis on material things, the fast life and its attendant glamour end up with men who have no scruples, who treat women as an object rather than a person with feelings and a part of them.

Therefore, to protect yourself against heartaches and pains, first consider what you want from life, those things, which are most important to you. What most young women and men are forgetting while making a choice in life is that unless proper thoughts about the future are put first, ill-conceived choices always bring on pains and disappointment.

So, when looking for a partner, look at the man with the most compassion in his heart as well as support for you. Don’t look at his today, but his many tomorrows; his future and what you can do to help him realise his dreams. Determination to endure the usual struggle that accompanies most relationship in the beginning as well as the strength of character to make it work at all cost. What most women don’t appreciate is the fact that most men find it almost impossible to trust a woman who didn’t contribute anything to their wealth or history of prosperity.

Marriages, which have stood the test of time, are those that the women played a major role in helping push the men into the right direction in life. Before any woman can reap from any man, she must be ready to invest selflessly into growing him economically, socially as well as emotionally. This is because relationship is like an investment. You get the equity commensurate with the type and quality of investment put in.

If you are willing to be patient, tolerant, selfless, and focused, you will get the right man to marry you.

Good luck.

I’m Too Shy Discussing With A Lady

Dear Agatha,

I really need your help to get married. I am the first son of my family and they are putting pressure on me to get married soon. I don’t know what to say to a lady. I want to have a relationship now that I am passing through this phase in my life to help me determine who truly cares for me.

Shy Man.

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Dear Shy Man,

There are no hard and fast rules on the proper way to approach a lady but one mistake you must never do is to tell a woman you are just meeting for the first time that you love her. For a serious minded woman, it portrays the man as shallow, unserious and without a focus in life. It is a great turn-off for a woman looking for a serious minded man.

Most women aren’t impressed with a man who says such things to her because it also makes her appear cheap and frivolous.

Once you are able to avoid that mistake many men are making, you may not find it too difficult to talk to a woman as a friend. Offer a woman friendship on your first contact, tell her there is something natural about her that makes you want to be her friend, nothing more.

As friends, you have the rare opportunity of observing each other and taking mental notes of things you like and don’t as well as those things you can cope and can’t tolerate.

Friendship makes it absolutely easy for two people to talk about themselves frankly since true friends are not known to keep secrets from the other.

Also desist from trying to impress. Let the object of your desire see you for who you are by being your natural self. This way you help breach the gap of resistance women put up when they are being approached for a relationship.

Speak in the tongue you are accustomed to, the quality of English you speak everyday as well as the intelligence you have. There is no better combination that beats being natural and confident as a man.

Good luck.

I Suspect Her Love Isn’t Real

Dear Agatha,

I am a graduate of accounting and currently doing the compulsory national service. I have had series of relationships since I finished my secondary school, but never seriously until my final year in the university when I met a second year student and rightly told her I needed a relationship that would eventually end in marriage. She agreed.

Now I am 31 while she is 23. There is no contesting the fact that I love this girl but I discovered she has been telling me lies about her past relationship.

I am convinced she is into other relationships because she felt very reluctant accepting it the engagement ring I gave her last month. She eventually accepted it.

Do I collect my ring back from her since I noticed she is into another serious relationship? Please, help me because this is giving me a lot of concern.

Kelly.

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Dear Kelly,

One of the worst sins anyone can commit in a relationship is to accuse the other of something which doesn’t exist. Are you sure your imagination isn’t playing games with you based on what you feel is going on and not what you know for sure is true?

Many a time, many of us make the mistake of mind reading the thoughts, actions and coming up with conclusions that we think are the right answers. Unfortunately the problem with trying to second-guess the thoughts of others is that we end up not only with the wrong end of the stick but also hurting someone who really cares about us in the process.

You are not God, hence you cannot tell what is on the mind of this girl. Even if you have your suspicions, it is best you confront her about your suspicions and give her the opportunity of defending herself against whatever allegation you may have come up with.

It is only after hearing her side of the story - why she behaved in a particular way before you can take a decisive action against her.

Again before you can promise any woman marriage ensure you are both compatible and that you know the character of the person woman well enough to offer a space in your life. What for instance do you know about this particular girl to warrant you giving her a ring?

If eventually it turns out she has been cheating on you, it shows that you know next to nothing about her nature before making the decision to marry her. You don’t just met a girl or a man and within seconds of your first meeting begin a discussion about marriage. It shows the shallowness and contempt in which that person holds the marriage institution.

Friendship should be canvassed first before any talk about marriage is initiated to avoid the kind of problem you are having now. Even when you know within you that you have the desire to marry a particular girl, give each other the benefit of time to understudy yourselves as well as acquit yourselves with the temperament of each other. Sometimes it is also beneficial for some tests to be thrown into the bargain. A couple must always be able to determine how far they can go with each other as well as how well the other person can be trusted in rough times. Remember nobody goes in for an examination or interview without adequate preparations. The marriage institution requires more than the ordinary preparations we all put up when writing an examination because it is one institution one isn’t expected to graduate from. The examiner never goes away, it is always there scoring and compiling our grades everyday. Those who cannot keep up either end up in divorce or remain very disenchanted with the whole process of marriage.

Only a platform of unquestionable friendship can make it happen for a couple in genuine quest to end up as an item. No matter how desperate you are to have a woman in your life, always allow time to help mould your characters. Age is only to enable us plan our lives properly not to pressurise us into a situation that should have been approached with the wisdom of God.

Only confrontation can help both of you clear the air of mistrust currently enveloping this relationship. Demand to know why she has told you all the lies about her past relationship as well as the assurance that your judgment of her begins from the day you both met. Remember you also come with a past, some aspects you may also not be pleased with. He who comes to equity must come with clean hands at all times.

Good luck.

His Dead Wife Is My Problem

Dear Agatha,

I am in my 40s with three children from my previous marriage and recently got married to a widower.

He lost his wife four years ago and seems not to have gotten over the fact that the woman is dead.

Rather than concentrate efforts on making sure our one-year-old and I are happy, he goes around attending to the needs of his children and grandchildren. Once he left our sick son and I to rush off to see his grandchild that is sick.

When I queried him on this insensitivity he said his grandchild also needed his attention.

I was angry that he could leave his son at home while he went to see his grandson who has his parents with him.

There are so many other instances where he has put the interest of his other children before my son and I. To make matters worse, he doesn’t seem to see anything wrong with this. He keeps telling me they are all his children and that he loves and owes each of them his personal attention. My child is the youngest of them all and should also be given his father’s love.

At 69 years of age, I feel his other children have had the best of him hence my son should be given the time to enjoy his presence too.

Again, there is this issue also bothering me. He gives too much attention to his late wife’s family. They come and go as they please, demanding for one thing or the other. Recently, one of them came to ask for money for her son’s school fees. When I reminded my husband later that they have ceased to be his responsibility following the death of his wife, he was very angry with him, calling me a selfish woman who doesn’t care about any other person but herself.

I am honestly getting fed up with the so-called marriage and thinking of packing it all up. From where I sit, I don’t think he is serious about having a wife. He seems very contented with the memory of his late wife, family and children more than he cares about my feelings.

Shouldn’t I have the chunk of his time with my son? Why should he invest his energy, time and money that are by rights ours on other people? I don’t think it is fair at all. If I can leave my children with their father, why can’t he leave his children out of our marriage? I did that because I didn’t want my other children interfering in my marriage.

But how do I get him to settle my son and I too?

Abby.

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Dear Abby,

Did he ask you to leave the children with their father? Even if he did, the choice was made by you, not him. You are the one who doesn’t want your other children around you, who has chosen to close that chapter of your life. Not every man or woman is like you. To expect him to tow your life is wrong. At least your children are with their father; his wife died leaving him the sole parent and guardian of his children and grandchildren. If she hadn’t died, you won’t be in that house. Her death gave you the freedom to be part of this man’s life.

And whether you like it or not, you cannot erase from his memory the years they spent together building the life you are now part of. Her children have every right to enjoy of their father’s comfort, time, resources and attention. This is not negotiable because were their mother alive, she would have been the one presiding over that home.

And judging from your attitude, your husband is right to divide his attention between every member of his family because left to you, every other person but your son would be alienated completely from this man.

I honestly think you are being very unreasonable and unfair to this man. This is what marriage is about. Marriage is about helping the other person realise his or her best potentials.

You knew this man has children and grandchildren from his previous marriage and that these come with responsibilities. What do you expect him to do, abandon his children and grandchildren simply because you have a son for him and that you are his current wife?

At 69, this man comes with enduring history and huge responsibility not to just himself but everyone around him. To insist he jettison these people to focus on only is telling him to forget his beginning.

Asking how you can get him to settle you and your son, questions your reason for marrying him in the first place. Is there more to this issue? Having been married before, surely you know that there is nothing perfect about marriage but honest approach to issues. While you may have one or two things to worry about in this marriage like every other woman who is struggling for a place in her husband’s life and heart, your reasons for wanting to pack up this marriage aren’t tenable. These are issues loving and wise words can get him to listen to.

There is no way you tell a man to turn his back on his motherless children and he would listen to you. If there are real issues involved, discuss with him not attempt to turn his life upside down and consequently make him regret the decision to give marriage a trial again.

Frankly, if he isn’t depriving you of care and attention, don’t push the issue at all. As a matter of fact, you should celebrate the fact that this man is responsible and God-fearing because only a man with the spirit of God would show this quality of attention to his children and members of his late wife’s family. It should comfort you knowing that whatever happens now or later, this man is more than capable of offering you protection in every way.

Marriage is about companionship. If you are patient enough, you will come to appreciate the qualities this man has. Patience is a virtue you have to exhibit in life because it never fails to get the right result.

With the children on their own, you ideally don’t have anything to worry about if you put yourself in the position of their mother, friend and sister. Sincerely, if these children all gang up against you for trying to make life miserable for their father, it is your son who would suffer it the most.

Whatever you do, think of that child whose brothers and sisters these people are, who will have to live with them long after you and their father is gone. There is no way you would plant hatred and expect him to reap love. He will be the only one against them all both on his father’s side and on your side. The children you left behind with their father may never be able to truly integrate him as being part of them while those that he would have aligned with, you are fighting out of an ill-conceived jealousy.

At the end of the day, it is your child that would suffer the most so in his interest do everything a good mother and wife should do to make her child and husband happy.

Dialogue, compromises, selflessness as well as trust are the issues lacking in this marriage. Talk and not nag him to compromise on certain things you feel strongly about and which of course are reasonable. Trust him to have your interest at heart always. Be selfless in your attitude to enjoy being married to a man his age whose ways to issues have long been set on a pattern.

There is no bending an already dried fish. The best you can do is to accept him for who he is by learning to be happy with the side you find interesting.

Above all, go on your knees to pray to God to help you see your wrong as well as to make you happy in this marriage. Even if you walk away from this man and go into another marriage with this same attitude, happiness will still elude you. So best you tackle the inherent problem with you rather than run around in circles.

Good luck.

Falling For Whore Who Abused Me For 10 Years

Dear Agatha,

I have a little problem. I am currently 24 years of age. At the age of five, a woman, 15 years older than I am, started abusing me sexually.

This lasted for about 10 years. It was only of recent I found out that she is a prostitute.

Now that I am older, I don’t have feelings for women anymore except this woman whom I love very much. I am so confused and don’t know what to do. Please help me.

Worried Boy.

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Dear Worried Boy,

The first thing would be for you to move away from her, go to a place where it would be impossible for both of you to meet. If possible go without your phone to make communication impossible between both of you. You are hooked to her and unless your addiction to her is broken, there is no way you would be able to love another woman or have feelings for any woman, but her.

What you feel for her isn’t love, but an addiction from a habit you got hooked on at the tender age of five.

This woman has infected you with her virus, when stole your innocence as well as your feelings for any other woman. Honestly, if you don’t fight it, run away from her as far as you can, you may never be able to live a normal life with any other woman.

This is because for 10 years she did whatever she wanted with your body, plied your mind with knowledge gotten from her trade and made it impossible for another woman to occupy your thoughts.

If you cannot resist the urge not to call her, throw away your SIM card, because you need time away from familiar people, scene as well as situation that would tempt you to get in touch with her.

Your solitary life should be spent trying to figure out, who you really are and not what this woman has made you to be. By figuring out what you want, you are helping yourself remove her imprints on your heart and soul.

You may need to confide in someone, a friend or family member to help you with prayers as well as moral support in this journey of self-reclamation and actualisation.

When one is fighting a sex addiction especially one, which began at such a tender age, it helps immensely to surround oneself with the presence of God. This is because sex remains one of the most difficult addictions to break particularly for someone who has known no other form of life.

If you cannot move away immediately seek refuge in the house of God. Immerse yourself in His works, activities as well as other things of interest that would help you beat this habit.

It might also be necessary for you to go for deliverance because she may have, unknown to you, initiated you into a covenant, one that would make it impossible for you to be happy with any other woman, but her. Any woman who can have sex with a five old boy is capable of doing anything and cannot be trusted not to have other motives for doing what she did.

This is what you should find out by running into the house of God, but again you also have to ask God on your own to send you to the right person to make your deliverance complete.

Whatever her motive may be, or reasons for initiating you into the sex cult at such tender age, has to be broken and fast too, so you can live a normal life like young men of your age as well as come to into God’s desires for you.

For now, don’t give her any inkling into whatever you intend to do, because she would fight to keep the status quo. Besides you don’t have the kind of power to resist her on your own.

Although I am told you could sue her for rape as well as causing you emotional and psychological problems, having allowed her the freedom to your body for 10 years, you may not have a strong case as she can claim you came to her of your own freewill to be taught the act of sex, especially as you are 24 years of age now.

However, one place you cannot fail to get the right results is in the presence of God. So, go down on your knees now to get a permanent solution.

God is your strength.

Good luck.

How Can I Stop My Mum From Leaving Dad?

Dear Agatha,

My mother is angry with my father because she found out about his relationship with another woman. She is determined to leave the marriage.

Please what can I do to help them?

Worried Daughter.

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Dear Worried Daughter,

By encouraging your mother to stay and fight for the control and happiness of her home. This is the time for you to play the role of a mediator and counsellor to your mother, who by now, is so hurt the she wants to opt out.

She feels she doesn’t have anything to live for, as her trust in your father and faith in the marriage is all gone due to the betrayal of your father.

Her feelings are all understandable, but ones you can help her get over through the right words. Deep in her she is crying for a shoulder to lean on, to assure her she still has relevance in that home, to appreciate all her commitment to your home and husband.

By listening to her, you are giving her the chance to heal and have a clearer perception into areas she is now closing her mind against.

By insisting you and your siblings appreciate her, showing her that while you understand and identify with her pains, leaving her home to another woman isn’t a solution. Make her realise that the issue has gone beyond your father or her for that matter, but to the family she helped your father put together through her children. That any decision she takes now would impact on all of you.

Ask her how she would feel if you have this type of problem in your marriage and threatens to pack out? Would she support you to throw your children into emotional confusion or stay to weather the storm?

Plead with her to consider the interests of her children, who will have to contend with the headaches of having a stepmother as well as stepsiblings if she makes good her threat to leave your father.

Ask her how she would feel if the other woman begins to maltreat your and your siblings, undoing all the good things she has done in your lives?

Let her know that while your father made a mistake she is about to do the unpardonable by leaving her children defenseless and hapless. Tell her, one of the roles of a mother is to learn to put the interest of the children before hers. That as of now, her children should top the list of her priority. You should also make her understand that while it is easy for your father to have other sets of children from as many women as he desires, she cannot afford such luxury because the bond between a child and its mother is too strong and eternal.

She also has to realise the worst kind of mistake any woman in her position can do is to give the other woman the satisfaction of making her desire come through by vacating her home to her.

Even if she is unwilling to fight for her home, do it on her behalf by going to your father to ask him why he did what he did as well as what he hopes to achieve with this affair.

Have the patience to listen to him and not condemn him before he even has the chance to say what is on his mind. Don’t make the mistake of criticising him at the beginning of your discuss else you may push him into defending his decision even if it hurts him at the end.

If your father has a big ego, he may not easily admit his wrong, preferring to lay the blame of his infidelity on things your mother may have done in the past or is doing which are unknown to the children.

Give him the benefit of doubt because there are indeed issues in a marriage, which only the couple involved are aware of. The children may not know about it until the matter becomes too messy and unmanageable, as is the case between your parents. Often, it comes with shock to the children, who have always been under the impression that things are okay between their parents.

Since you are interested in helping your parents resolve this issue amicably, resist taking sides, no matter the evidence against any of the party. What you are seeing may be the result of years of silent suffering, complains and unreciprocated sacrifices. So, be careful you don’t further rock the boat by making it obvious to your father where you sympathy lies.

To resolve this issue, please remove yourself from it and learn to place the blame on the door of the wrong person. Learn to be bold and fair. Let each party know where he or she went wrong as well as the best steps to take in the interest of the children.

If need be, get a respected family friend, the pastor or a family member to help you in the dispute resolution. Get your siblings involved too, to help play up the emotional side of ensuring your mother realises what is most important to her at the end of the day. The crisis will be easier to manage if your mother doesn’t pack out of the house.

The most important weapon at your disposal is prayer. Go to God in prayers to help you by giving you the wisdom as well as the right words to use to pacify both parties.

Good luck.

Hard To Choose Among Crowd Of Men At My Skirt

Dear Agatha,

I think I have not really been able to understand myself, as well as everything happening around me since I became a teenager and adult.

When I was in my third year at the age of 20 I started praying for my husband, hoping that by the time I graduate, I will immediately get married. It didn’t, even after my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) and still hasn’t happened. It isn’t as if I don’t get suitors, as a matter fact the problem has always been that of choice.

There is no time, as I have, at least, three men queuing for my attention. All of them were putting pressure on me to accept their offer at the same time. Naturally, I get confused in the process until they all eventually vacated the scene.

I will cry out my head again only for about four men to appear at the same time, making the same request. I again begin the process of thinking of the best among them, and before you know, they will all go again.

Sincerely, I don’t think there is any woman on earth who has the problem of choice like I do.

Agatha, the truth remains I have not really seen what I want in any of these men. The ones that have the outward qualities end up lacking the inner qualities and vice-visa. I don’t know what to do. I have clouded my mind with too many thoughts that I don’t know when God is speaking to me or not.

Please, do you know anything I can do to solve this issue? I am getting depressed. At the moment there are four of them again and I don’t want to miss it again. This is my fourth year after graduation. I have ruled one out the first one because he lacks what I want which is a passion for Christ. The second is that of passion, not educated though he expresses the desire to. And I am not sure of the commitment to Christ of the fourth man. He is educated while his look is a bit okay but far older than me.

Please let God use you to help me. I must not miss it this time. My mind is so noise-filled, I can’t hear God speak, but I know you can. Please, help me before it is too late.

Nnenna.

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Dear Nnenna,

I am not sure you are serious about getting married at all, because you seem to have set impossible standards for yourself, which from all indications, an angel would even find difficult to meet.

Before you begin to look for the logs in other peoples’ eyes, let begin from you. How perfect are you? Do you have all impossible things you expect the man who is to grace your life to possess?

If you are indeed right with Christ, you won’t be so confused as to cause yourself this emotional injury. A true born of Christ knows that God is more concerned about what is inside than the outside. How on earth can you find out about a man’s inner beauty without getting close to the person? How can you condemn a man based on his looks and you claim to be Christ like?

If Christ were concerned about what you and I look like, we would never have the chance of redemption. What gives you the impression that you are God’s perfect gift to men? That you have them coming is due to the grace and mercy of God and not on account of you having anything other women don’t have. The secret of life especially for a woman is to make hay while the sun shines to prevent expiration on the shelf.

Unless you want to go through life frustrated, lonely and very confused, you better begin to focus on the important things in life and not those transient things that fade with time.

To help yourself, come down from your high horse and re-evaluate your ideals. Separate what is ideal and achievable, and those simply impossible. To do that is to get it clear that no man is perfect except God. We all come with factory defects and the trick about life is learning to accept that our personal defects make us the original. There are no two people who are alike. That is why even twins don’t have the same fingerprints. The defects you so condemn are what give the men their individualities.

A smart girl would look out for those defects she can best cope with in the man she wants to marry. For instance, what is the man’s level of tolerance, temperament, honesty, attitude towards life and women generally? These are things you get to know by being close to someone. You have to give yourself and a man an opportunity to interact before you can say whether or not he is serious or not. Before making up your mind about anyone, give you and the person a chance of interaction, exchange ideas as well as discuss things inside out.

To have the right answer to your prayers, make the attempt to bury whatever prejudices you may initially have against the person, because if you don’t, you risk seeing only what you want to see and not what you should see. So, you really have to pray for the patience and maturity to handle yourself when these men come.

The men are leaving you because they see a vain and inconsistent person. No man wants to live with a woman who is self-centered. So even if you eventually settle for one, he may not want you, given what he may have seen in your attitude.

In addition, there is also the need for you to ask your pastor to pray for you, because your attitude could be spiritually influenced to ensure you don’t get married at all. Very soon, the high traffic of men interested in you would begin to thin out and eventually scarce enough to make you so desperate to end up with a man you may never be happy with. Your state of confusion may be a camouflage for the real challenge in your life, which only the spirit of God can reveal.

To know the real values to look out for, first pray for the discerning presence of the Holy Spirit, whom you must give full control of your heart to before sitting down to pen down what you really want and not what you think you want in your ideal man. In your interest, look at these men’s inner attributes and not what they look like.

If you allow yourself to be teachable, God will lead you to your happiness.

Good luck.