My Girl Takes No Order Until I Bark

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years old while my girlfriend is 19. Our relationship is just nine months old.

Our problem is that hardly will day passed without any quarrel due to her rudeness to me. She never listens to me until I shout at her, after which she will begin to cry.

It has become the pattern of our relationship and I am no longer comfortable with her behaviour, though I love her.

Agatha, could this be as a result of her age? Can she still be said to be a child?

Worried Guy.

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Dear Worried Guy,

At 19, she still has a long way to go. At the tail end of her turbulent teenage years, she is bound to still be stubborn and an irritant to anyone close to her. She is at the age where receiving instruction or abiding by the rules is most difficult.

This is because she already sees herself as an adult and doesn’t understand why she can’t have all the freedom that go with the age.

Your job as her boyfriend is not to get irritated but to show her through your own good example that being an adult doesn’t stop one from abiding by rules.

Shouting at her will only frighten her and make her wonder at the wisdom of exchanging one form of restriction for another. Don’t forget all these while she has been under the authority of either her parents or guardians, whose rules she has to abide with to prevent problems from them.

In her mind’s eyes, she sees her relationship with you as a visa to the world of unlimited freedom one in which she can do and undo.

Right now she isn’t sure with you breathing down her neck with the very rules she is running from. You have broken the mirror of the perfect world she had all along dreamt of. Her cries are therefore signs of frustration, despair as well as disappointment.

Being eight years older than she is, give her the benefit of your experience. Help her understand through patience and understanding that there is nothing like absolute freedom. That life is about moderation and that our senses of responsibilities to the feelings of others around us demand we always strive to put their interest first before ours.

That having a sense of responsibility for others is the check nature has placed on our freedom.

When next she refuses to obey simple instruction, let her understand that a relationship without its own sets of rules cannot succeed. She has to learn to respect you as the leader of the team for you to appreciate her position in your life. That if she continues to behave like she is currently doing, the love you have for her might not be able to sustain the relationship.

Also give her the opportunity to make her mistakes because that is the only way she can learn. This is possible through patience and tolerance on your path. Desist from being too rigid and appreciate the fact that you too went through this subtle crisis in your own time.

Good luck.

I Fear For My Pint-sized Children

Dear Agatha,

I am a married woman with two growing children. I am not very tall. My husband even though he is slightly tall seems to have short genes dominating his body system. Our two children from all indications are going to be short too as they actually seem shorter in height than most of their peers.

I know that gene is responsible for this, but I have a feeling that with good nutrition and probably medication, the children can grow taller. Please, what nutrition or food do you recommend that I feed them with? What do you think I can do to help them grow taller? The first one is 13 years while the second is 10 years.

Worried Mother.

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Dear Worried Mother,

The first thing you should never do is to give these children complex about their heights. Your position as their mother is to encourage them to act as their shield and not to be in the vanguard of pumping complex into their brains.

It is also important that you don’t begin to give them ideas that there are magical pills anywhere.

These children are at very tender ages when a wrong move or word can change their lives forever. Once you make them feel inferior among their peers, you risk depriving them of the joy of their age, the freedom of growing up and consequently creating issues that should not have been raised in the first place.

This is what you as their mother must strive to avoid. You may not be able to handle the cost of the problems your concerns over the heights of these children are going to create for you now and in future. Frankly, your concerns are misplaced. Your children can only be proud of who they are if you give them the encouragement to be. So be a good mother and learn to celebrate your own with the loudest of cheers. This is what you owe them.

You also have to watch your attitude concerning your husband to avoid infesting your marriage too with problems that should not come up in the first place. Didn’t you notice your husband’s height when you decided to go into a relationship with him and subsequently marry him? He couldn’t have been the tallest man you met as a girl. The fact that you agreed to marry him despite his height means you should learn to appreciate the man for who he is not demean him on account of the height of the children who have your both genes.

Having said that, yes there are some kinds of foods and exercises that can help these children gain some few inches. I won’t encourage you to introduce these children to drugs at this early age. Remember you are the one with the problem, not these children so be careful how you go about it and what you expose them to.

Before you blame the genes, what sort of diet do you feed them with? Help them by giving them milk, yoghurt, cheese, and as regularly as possibe because these are good sources of protein. Their bones need phosphorus, calcium, and magnesium while the muscles need water, protein and carbohydrates to grow. Since they are growing taller, muscles and bones are getting bigger and longer.

It is also imperative they eat at regular hours and intervals. It is very important they don’t skip meals especially breakfast. Begin theirs with balanced diet.

Let them take time to taste and chew on their food well in addition to encouraging them to drink plenty of water with the food.

From time to time change menu to keep them excited and interested in eating. Although there is something about hormonal injections, i don’t think it is advisable.

Also introduce them to vitamins and well as encourage them to go for fresh air as regularly as possible. What is important is to ensure they are in good health. Once they are happy, let the matter rest in the interest of peace in your home.

Good luck.

Irresistible, Yet She’s Not Interested In Me

Dear Agatha,

I really enjoy how you solve problems; may God solve yours too. Please I need your help. I am 22years of age and will be a graduate next year. There is this religious girl, a classmate of mine, who we shall both graduate next year.

I wooed her when we were in 100 level but till date, she hasn’t given me an answer to my request. Her reason for rejecting me is because she calls me a Saturday keeper while she is a Sunday keeper.

I don’t believe her reason is because I sometimes notice she shows interest in me. In addition she regularly calls me on phone and I in turn send her romantic love messages. Her roommate told me that of the men that have asked her out, I am the only she respects the most. We share information about our movements. I love her and desire to marry her but I am getting tired of waiting endlessly. I have also tried to develop interest in other women but it just isn’t working.

A lot of my friends have told me to allow her be but I can’t because I love her so much. I don’t know why she is doing this to me. She is very brilliant. Please help me by calling her number to beg on my behalf.

Ola.

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Dear Ola,

I called the number you gave me and the lady claimed to be your friend, but denied knowing you in the way you suggested. Though she admitted to having a classmate that goes by your name, she says there is such familiarity between the two of you and that as far she knows the person that goes by your name has a girlfriend.

As it stands, it’s best you forget this lady and move on with your life. If true, you both exchange information concerning your movements, denying you and giving the picture as a vague person in her life. Whatever issue you both have it is advisable you both find time to discuss it on a very personal level so it doesn’t affect the friendship between the two of you.

Good luck.

I’m A Pastor But My Wife Is Wayward

Dear Agatha,

I urgently need your help to resolve the crisis rocking my home. I’m a preacher who is married with seven children.

My wife has been a thorn in my flesh. Over the years has variously accused me of having several other women in my life as well as trying to kill her.

I have prayed and released several curses. My pain and confusion follow her confession of having had extra marital affairs with an old man of 60, whom she said she slept with once and a 30-year-old young man she slept with thrice between September last year and March this year.

I have repeatedly warned her against this man being a false prophet but she has refused to listen to me.

My children, who don’t have the details of the last development are against my intention to send their mother out of the house. According to them, people will mock me if I drive their mother away.

Agatha, I’m so confused. Please tell me how to handle this delicate problem.

Obi.

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Dear Obi,

I admit this is a very tough case to handle given the gravity of the allegations against your wife.

But before I say anything I want to make it clear that the final result of a relay race cannot be based only on the efforts of the last sprinter. It takes a collective effort to determine the outcome of a relay race.

The same goes for marriage. The final outcome of a married is determined by the quality of effort both parties put into its survival. To put the entire credit or blame of a marriage on the doorsteps of one of the parties is saying the other party has no role whatsoever in the final outcome. It takes two to tango and no man or woman is an island.

Marriage works best when the two persons involved acknowledge their different roles as well as the extent of their responsibilities to each other.

Profound and complicating issues come when either party ignores the existence and rights of the other person within the bond. Before becoming a part of a marriage each individual has rights. These basic rights have to be respected at all times to give way to the collective right being married brings with in.

To resolve this issue, it would do both of you a world of good to remove focus from the casualty your vows have become to all the outstanding issues you both were unable to resolve that led to the issues, especially if you are both concerned about the interests of the other parties in the union. This issue has gone beyond what you two feel but to how best you can both accommodate the desires and interests of your children who are products of this marriage.

This issue has gone beyond the apocalypse of your present situation to what would work for all concerned. Being a preacher, you must understand that some victories come with very embarrassing, painful, seemingly stupid and difficult choices that must be made. Life is a good dose of the bitter and sweet. The real nectar in life is the peace we deploy in the midst of excruciating challenges.

To help you have a clearer focus, why was your wife constantly under the impression that there were other women in your life or that you wanted her dead?

These are really weighty allegations capable of putting any woman or man under severe emotional stress. There is no way she could have simply manufactured such stories without basis? Can you plead innocent in her allegations? Were your own hands clean especially the bit about having affairs outside your home?

For that matter what sort of husband have you been to her? Many a time, we mistake our religious callings for complete seclusions of our families from our own lives. As preacher, how did you balance your religious involvement with your responsibilities to your wife especially? Were you ever available when she needed you as a woman? Did you encourage her and those feelings or mocked her desire to have privacy with her husband? Can you be called a loving and caring husband? One who puts at all times the interest of his wife and children before others? Who are these other women around you causing the quake in your home? How far did you go at trying to integrate your wife into your religious activities, to make her understand that these other women are part of your flock in the vineyard of God?

Why does she think you want to murder her? Have you ever tried to find out if any of these women parading as one of your sheep could have ulterior motive, giving the impression to your wife that you and she are an item? This is what you should investigate because more often than not, there is no smoke without fire.

For her to place such a weighty accusation at your doorstep couldn’t have been out of nothing. And being the man of the house what efforts did you make to help avert the current moral impasse confronting your marriage, especially as a man of God?

When a woman craves for only the fulfilment her husband can give her but he isn’t available to perform his role in her life or unable to appease this deep thirst in her due to other peripheral assignments, which you have given yourself, this kind of thing comes up.

For a woman who isn’t strong enough, this can make her do the unpardonable. This is because when a woman needs her husband in that special way and he isn’t there and ignores her believing what she feels is nothing, it could force her to find fulfilment elsewhere against her will.

What roles did you play in pushing her into the waiting arms of these men? We can condemn her how we like but it would not change the facts of the matter especially if you plan on bringing another woman into your life. She would still do the same thing if you continue to treat issues concerning her and her feelings with disdain.

A woman is only a woman if she is sufficiently able to sustain the attention of a man in her. The frustration of unmet desires has pushed many women into breaking their marital vows; some going to the ridiculous extent of sleeping with their drivers simply to have the warmth of a man.

It is only when you objectively look at your own contributions to the problems at hand that she can be roundly condemned.

This is where your calling as a man of God comes in. Were a sheep of yours to bring to your notice this type of problem, how would you solve it? Insist the woman vacates the home before you even have the time to find out all the attached outstanding issues that led to the problem?

Doubtless, she stands guilty of the crime of adultery but the law of fairness demands you both sit down to discuss your collective mistakes. Your marriage may not be redeemable if you have both gotten to the point of no return, that place where you cannot forgive and forget this very low point of your marriage but sit you must to discuss the interests of your seven children; those special gifts God blessed your marriage with, the pride of your manhood as well as womanhood. You both owe these children so much consideration because if due to the quality of marriage and decisions you and their mother make now, something untoward happens to any of them, none of you would be able to forgive yourselves.

When issues like this come up, go into the future and see if this incident would matter so much as it matters now. This you can do by thinking about those important things you would find irreplaceable if she vacates your life. She couldn’t have been all bad news; she must have some outstanding qualities that made you stay with her to have seven children.

Without your collective mistakes, do you consider the adulterous type; one who sleeps around with anything in trousers? To have a better focus in life, we must look at the past for the present and the future to be happy.

If you were the one who openly confessed to adultery would you expect her to forgive you and forget the incident in the interest of the children and marriage? Sincerely, this is the point you need the wisdom and direction of God to go on because to depend on your own wisdom could have more bitter implications for you.

Good luck.

My Girl’s Past Haunts Our Dream

Dear Agatha.

I am a boy of 24 years and student of the University of Abuja.

I am currently dating a girl whom before I met lived a very dangerous life. In addition, she is secretive and has a very pretentious nature.

In December last year, a cousin of hers who unfortunately died in January this year cautioned me on the need to be very strict with her due to her nature and tendencies.

This information led me to question her about her past and person. At first, she didn’t say anything but one day capitulated to my pressures. She told me the reason she abandoned her former lifestyle is because of me. After my talk she also left the group she belonged.

According to her, the specialty of this group is to blackmail prominent men. Perhaps the most shocking and surprising thing about this is the involvement of her uncle in crime chain. As a matter of fact her uncle dragged her into it.

Now the group is threatening to expose her to the public and at the same time deal with her. They are aware that a man is responsible for her quitting the trade but they don’t know my identity. They have written several letters to her and always bring them to me to read.

Honestly, I am in love with her. She has done things to prove to me that she also falls head on toe with me. The most shocking of the discovery is meeting her intact the first time we made love. Please help me out because I don’t know how to handle this matter at all.

M.E.O.

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Dear M.E.O.,

Meeting her a virgin shows that whatever quality of life she led while she was with this gang didn’t affect her person and character. Whatever her uncle used her for only affected her superficially, a good sign that whatever the situation this kind of woman finds herself she can be trusted to hold her own.

However, that doesn’t eliminate the implications of the threat letters she is receiving from the gang. Since she has insider’s information, she too can blackmail the gang by threatening to go to the Police with the information about them and how they have been using her to blackmail men into submitting to their demands. She should also go a step further by threatening to make public all the lists of men they have blackmailed and also those they are planning to blackmail. Threatening to expose their modus operandi to the same members of public that they want to expose her to would make them think twice. This is because she won’t be the only one they would have lost but their main source of income. Blackmailers don’t like being blackmailed so when they are pushed to the wall, like the cowards they are, run for cover.

Refusing to be intimidated is the only way she can win this battle and maintain her sanity. But there is also the need for her to report these threats to the Police to prevent any ugly incident whether now or in the future.

She should be bold to report the matter at the Police Station leaving the Police to decide whether the matter worth pursuing or not.

This is very pertinent because if they go to the Police before her, it could spell trouble for her as well as your relationship with her especially if paraded as an accomplice in the crime of blackmail.

But going to the Police first offers her soft landing in case the gang becomes desperate and careless in the process of getting her back at all cost.

This is the time she needs your confidence and wisdom to get through all these. Make sure she has enough confidence in your love and trust to do what is right at the end of the day.

Good luck.

My Fiancé’s Ex Threatens Fire If We Dare Altar

Dear Agatha,

I really thank God for using you in solving our problems. Please do not relent this good work.

I am into a relationship that is almost five years old. January this year, my friend proposed marriage and I accepted.

But by March my problem started. Precisely, on March 3 a strange ••Glo•• phone number sent a text message to my fiancé. At first, the person sounded as if coming from a spiritual viewpoint. The sender of the message claimed there were so many visions that didn’t support our marriage. The person, who sent the message whose gender couldn’t be identified from the text initially instructed my fiancé to leave me or face the embarrassment of me leaving him when he least expects.

After sometime, the tone changed and the gender identity could be confirmed. She vowed that my fiancé and I will never get married.

Last month, I was walking down the road with my eldest sister when three boys stopped us to warn me against continuing with the wedding plan else they will teach me a hard lesson.

My sister was angry and afraid like I did too because of this open threat.

Two weeks after the incident, I travelled out of town, but when I returned my neighbours told me that two boys and a girl came, asking them to tell me to leave her husband alone. Their faces were unfamiliar, my neighbours noted.

Recently, the person sent another text message threatening to come to my office to disgrace me if I don’t discontinue the relationship. My fiancé is of the view that the person is joking or not serious.

Please what do you think I should do in this situation? I am so confused.

Favour.

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Dear Favour,

Since your fiancé appears to be taking the entire thing with levity, inform him of your intentions to report the matter to the Police since this is a clear case of threat to your life. The danger of the whole thing is that from whosoever these threats are coming, they know everything about you whereas you don’t even know who they are.

This heightens the danger because your attacker can be anybody when you least expect it. Anybody who would go to the extent of hiring people to issue physical threats to you on the road as well as in your house can’t be joking about their demands. In these days of kidnap and acid baths, every threat must be viewed as serious enough to get the police involved.

Good enough, there is modern technology that enables the service providers to zero in on the identity as well as locations of callers. Once a report is made, the Police will get to the bottom of the matter if your fiancé keeps insisting on not knowing who the culprits are.

For now be vigilant and don’t hesitate to report any strange movement around you to the Police. If possible, relocate quietly to another place and place the management of your office on alert. Tell your supervisors at work all about the threats. This is to help you manage the consequences of their threats should they actually come to make trouble at your office.

Frankly, the attitude of your husband to be is a little bit worrisome. Since the threats are coming from a woman, there is no way he can feign ignorance of the possible identity of the person. Ask him pointedly if he has at any time, before or during your relationship, promised another woman marriage. If yes, who is the woman and why did they part.

From the extent this other lady is bent on going his involvement with this lady appears current. Demand to know the truth since it is your life that stands on the line. Your five years of being together can only come to a happy ending if you are alive and of good health.

His major task is to protect you from these threats. Irrespective of how much damage it would bring to your relationship, he should be bold enough to come out with what he knows about the identity of this other lady to end the emotional turmoil you are passing through.

As it is, you are groping alone in the dark. Whatever that is giving him the confidence to treat the naked threats with levity should be shared with you, who is at the receiving end. To make him appreciate the situation, tell him to imagine if the threats were coming from your end, how he would feel if you give it the same treatment.

The other point is his reactions to issues affecting you. If he doesn’t think this is serious enough to offer you his protection what can else be more serious? The ideal thing would have been for him to go to the source of the problem to deal with it once and for all before giving such assurances. Had those people met you at home, there is no telling what they could have done to you. For them to have gone to the extent of leaving a warning with your neighbours underscores their determination and intent.

Insist you need his assurances and protection now more than ever before. It is well.

Good luck.

My Man Is A Chronic Miser…

Dear Agatha,

I enjoy reading your column. Someone approached me with this problem, so I decided to direct it to you for answer.

There is this friend of mine, who has been in a relationship with this guy for seven years and who recently proposed marriage to her.

However, her fear is, she feels the guy is too stingy and isn’t sure if the guy will ever change after they get married. She says the man has never for once given her a gift and when she asked him about it, he said it was all because she declined the first time she came to visit him when he offered her transport fare.

Even after they became very good friends the guy still doesn’t give even when she buys card for him to stimulate him.

She doesn’t know if the guy is pretending to be stingy as a way of testing her or is actually stingy.

Concerned Friend.

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Dear Concerned Friend,

Beyond not buying her gifts, how is his attitude to her generally? Does he love? Does he care, understanding, and always concerned about her welfare?

Having spent seven years with him, what sort of friend is he to her? What sort of temperament has he?

These are qualities that would help her properly decode the type of person he really is. Any man who is caring and understanding will never be stingy or selfish. He may be sensible about the application of money but not stingy.

Being careful about the application of money is thinking before spending, having the mind of necessities and not desires. Being stingy on the other hand means having difficulties spending money on even the bare essentials of life.

If he were stingy, there is no way she can invest seven years of her life in him and their relationship. She would have long vacated the relationship because a stingy person, is often brash, uncaring and lack the understanding of another person.

And even if he is stingy, can his other outstanding qualities swallow up this aspect of him? This is against the background that nobody has it all, not even your friend who is complaining.

She accepted his proposal to marry him because she found many aspects of his character agreeable to her way of life. This is one fundamental she should never forget in spite of what she feels about his attitude towards money.

Rejecting the transport fare on that first day may also have made him decided to see how far she goes in her portrayal of herself as an independent minded person. Some men actually react that way. Once a woman makes the mistake of rejecting their gifts, they either stop out of fear of being rejected again or simply to see how far she can go.

It could be fear of being rejected again. The ego of the average man cannot withstand rejection and once their kind hearted gesture towards the woman in their life is rejected by her, they simply crawl back into their shell until she begins a fresh request through pleas for him to come out.

Again the man too may think she rejected the money on account of it not being enough. Many meanings can be read into that gesture of her by a man questing for an excuse not to do certain things. There is also the possibility that he is not a gift buying man especially if he grew up in a home where such expressions are scarce or never happened. Not everybody had the pleasure of growing up in a home where gifts were exchanged. This doesn’t make such a man stingy but merely doing things the way he was brought up.

When a woman meets this type of man, she should be the one to change him, not by nagging but by telling him lovely what his duties to his wife or girlfriend entails. Such a man cannot be condemned for his upbringing at all. A sensible woman requires wisdom and imagination to transform him from who he is to what he should be. It is a simple case of buying him gifts and showering him with love to get him to reciprocate.

Since they have agreed to marry, she should sit him down to discuss her fears. This is one issue she should not take into marriage. He has to understand her fears and be given an opportunity by her to explain his attitude towards money and gifts.

From the discussion, she would know whether it is an inherent part of him or one he developed towards her personally.

Whatever the case may be talking about it as honestly as possible will help them appreciate what they each have to invest to make their journey into marriage more relaxing and enjoyable.

On her part, this is the crossroad of reality and frank decisions. If at this point she is aware that she cannot cope with his total person, best she declines the offer of marriage to avoid creating more complex problems later in future. This is because though marriage is a product of sentimental feelings, it requires undiluted reality to engage in it and make it work well.

She must have the boldness to discuss all cloudy issues and not defer them with the hope of things improving with time. The tragedy of refusing to nip a problem in the bud is that it only worsens with the time. Any issue that a couple refuses to tackle before marriage will end up consuming the union because the matter will steadily progress in a nightmare for the couple.

Finally, she should also, from this early beginning commit this relationship into the hands of God since He is the only one with the right key to a successful marriage.

Good luck.

My Skirt Hangs Between Two Loving Guys

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for the good job you are doing.

I am 22 years of age, in a polytechnic. I am currently dating two men; one is 26 while the other is 30 years old.

I have being dating the latter since I finished my secondary school in 2006. I met the former guy when I gained admission into the polytechnic.

Agatha, the major challenge I have now is how to know who among the two of them are very caring.

However, the major problem I have with the latter who is 30 has to do with his educational qualification. He is a trader and sponsors my education.

The 26-year-old guy, though currently unemployed also cares for me but is always demanding for sex as against the other who has only asked once since we started dating in 2006.

Please help me, because I am confused.

Temitope.

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Dear Temitope,

Your problem is you. There is no way you can eat and still have your cake. Deep down you know who between these men that really care for you, the one who is ready to do anything for your happiness just as you know who isn’t really interested in you but want you for the pleasures of your body.

The issue is that you are not ready to go with the one who loves you but prefer the one who doesn’t. This is because you now feel superior to the one who truly has your interest at heart. The truth is that while you aren’t ashamed to use his money to improve your lot in life, you are now ashamed of him because of the advantage his sponsorship of your education has offered.

The new guy represents your new image, that of an educated young woman who has the empowerment of education. To you now, this other man represents your past, a past you no longer want to identify with.

Unfortunately, that past is your heritage because whatever you are now is the sacrifice of the past. Granted you have the right to your life but it would be most unfair for you to ditch this guy after the sacrifice he has undertaken on your behalf. Deep down, do you think the 26-year-old guy would have looked your way if this other man hadn’t polished you up to your present level?

Deep down in your raw form, would this man have looked your way twice? It takes more than feelings to be happy in life. Only the man who doesn’t mind the ugliness and imperfections of a woman in her natural form is the one who really cares about her and not the one who sees her perfect finished image.

The older man saw you when you were nobody, had no future, raw in every form yet generated the interest to sponsor your education. Not that he won’t survive the emotional pains if you leave him now but the truth is that he would not find the type of peace, support, love and care you found with him in any other man? What he has done for you couldn’t have been without caution from friends who from time to time must have sounded the alarm of you leaving him at graduation.

That he ignored them to continue to support you to be happy is more than enough for a sensible woman to know that this type of love is unconditional more so since he is also willing to wait for the pleasures of your body. If since meeting you he has only demanded it once, also underlines the fact that this man has tremendous respect for you and his primary desire for you is to be happy.

Although you reserve the final right to your decision, I caution against allowing the brightness of the fake light blind you to the reality of the situation you are in. A man, who takes pleasure often in your body, cannot mean well for you. Who among them do you think would stand by you should the unexpected happens?

Your older boyfriend maybe a trader, but has demonstrated his ability to care and help you grow.

And if his status bothers you so much, true love demands you make suggestions as to how he can improve himself. Besides, it isn’t the quality of certificate a man or woman parades that make them successful partners rather, it is the person whom he or she is.

Make your choice with the fear of God as well as all the honesty the situation deserves.

Good luck.

My Dream Girl Is Cute But 14

Dear Agatha,

You may see me as a cradle robber but I am not. I am in love with a girl, who is in Senior Secondary class one. I am 25 to her 14 years of age.

Although I don't intend to marry her now, I desire a relationship with her. However, my worry is that she still has far to go in terms of completing her education and to be ready for marriage.

I need your advice as a mother. She is all I need in a woman. She is God fearing, caring, respectful and I intend to show her love forever.

I really want to know if my feeling for her and waiting would amount to exercise in futility at the end of the day.

I am confused as to my next step of action. Should I wait until she turns 18 before telling her about my love for her or should I tell her now and wait till she turns 18 so that she can make the right decision?

Please, I need your motherly advice. I want to point out that what attracted me to her is her sense of maturity. I initially thought she was about 20 years of age. In addition, she is very pretty.

Chy.

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Dear Chy,

Allow her be. She is still too young to carry the burden of your feelings for her. Telling her about how you feel at this tender age would only act as a distraction for her, particularly at this age when she is beginning to notice her body and feelings as a woman. She really needs her freedom to be young and free of any obligations to anybody.

This is her age of learning, the point in her life to dream and make plans for her future. Besides, she has to have the freedom to be a girl first before being a wife.

The way to handle this type of interest is to be a good friend to her family and to be her role model. Since you have the plans to marry her, provide her with a solid support base to keep her morality. Provide her with all the encouragements she needs to come out with flying colours in her studies by offering to help her in the grey areas of her subjects. Having gone through the process, make yourself a dependable resource person in the subjects you have a thorough knowledge of and which she is also studying.

Being a good friend will help her get to know you and come to her own conclusions about you without the burden of knowing you are in love with her. It will also give you further insight into her young mind to help you come to the final conclusions about her.

The danger of telling her about your love for her is that it could drive her away from you completely. But when she sees you as a big brother, she won’t have any inhibitions sharing her fears, dreams and interests with you.

Through this, you both are able to build a solid support base on which to anchor the foundation of your friendship from its neonatal stage. This support base is what offers couple the tool to mend disappointments, pains as well as other challenges of two people trying to make a life together.

As for the length of time it would take her to be ready, it is one of the sacrifices you must have to endure for falling in love with someone so young. Use the 11 years of advantage you have to invest in getting something meaningful for both of you. At 25, you also have a long way to go in terms of putting the right structures in place as a man. Marriage doesn’t just begin and end with a man finding the right woman. It takes a lot more efforts for him to be able to keep the woman happy.

Her age has given you the advantage of time, as pressures wouldn’t be coming from her end for you to marry her before you are ready as a man. As a matter of fact, by the time she is really ripe enough to put the pressures on you, you will be more than ready to care for whatever challenges that come from a man and woman being together.

Rather than waste time on the number of years it would take her, concentrate more efforts and building yourself as a man.

Look at your current level of achievements: are you satisfied with who and what you are? If given the choice to marry her today, are you in the position to adequately care for her and any child that would come thereafter?

The waiting won’t appear endless if you invest your time meaningfully on growing yourself even in terms of improving your educational status. In life, no matter how successful one is, there is always a next level to graduate to. It is that level you should aim while you wait for her to mature and be ready to accept or reject your proposal.

In waiting, you also have to factor in her needs and dreams as a young girl. How far are you willing to support this dream? And how much space can you give for her to be happy? In addition, how long are you willing to wait for her to grow before forcing your presence on her?

You must have answers to all these important questions because she would be interested in knowing when you finally open up to her. Furthermore, the parents would be interested in knowing too once they notice your unusual interest in their daughter.

At this early stage, you must be very clear about the qualities you really want in a woman. One thing is to think you know while it is another for you to be sure. Remember she is still growing and yet to manifest all her attributes as a woman. How much of these changes can your feelings for her withstand and endure? Do you think your feelings for her would be able to withstand this test of time?

All these are what you should properly plan out before you unveil your feelings for her.

Also, begin to pray towards your goal for her as well as the life you plan to have with her.

For now, restrict yourself to being a brother and friend to her because your current role in her life is to help her grow into a responsible young woman.

Good luck.

Despite My Family Stand, Can’t I Marry Her?

Dear Agatha,

Thank you so much for your advice. My reason for seeking your help again has to do with the issue of the rightness of man and woman of the same age getting married.

There is this lady whom I have been dating since 2007, whom I mentioned, if you recalled in my first letter to you.

The reason my family is now giving for refusing to support us is her age. According to members of my family, being of the same age with me, she has the tendency to outgrow me later in life. They are worried I might be forced to marry another woman should this happen. They therefore urged me to look for another lady who is between 19 and 20 years of age and forget this lady who will be 24 in October.

Please ma, is it impossible for me to still go ahead?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

Once there is love and friendship in a relationship, anything is possible. Some men for the sake of love have married women who are older than them and are very comfortable and happy with the choices they made.

What is most important in a relationship is what the couple counts as being important and those things they don’t give much attention to.

The major issue here is what you feel about this girl? How much is your feelings for her worth? How desperate do you want her to be part of your life? Ultimately, relationship is a personal thing between the couple involved. No matter how deeply your parents love you, they can’t marry your spouse. You are the one going to marry and live with this woman for the rest of your life. You are the one who saw her, one who is knowledgeable about the qualities that make such a special woman in your life whereas prettier women go unnoticed and have no place in your life.

These are more enduring qualities you must focus on. Besides, the age of women looking older than their husbands, have since become extinct. Modern women are daily improving on their appearance and have since mastered the game of wearing their ages like under-wears.

If your parents have any other reasons against you marrying this woman, they should tell you because what they have given isn’t tenable at all. Won’t they be happier you married a woman your age than marry one older than you or one who may be younger than you but lacks the qualities that would keep you in the marriage permanently?

At any rate, they have the right to their opinion while the final decisions of what happens rest with you. At 26, you are old enough to know who will make you happy in life and the woman who best fits into your dreams. Once you have no reason to doubt her loyalty and able to take full charge of the relationship as the man, you have little or nothing to worry about.

Good luck.

My Pains After Our Family Friend Raped Me

Dear Agatha,

I need your help. I am an adult female who got married six months ago. I was sexually abused as a child at age 12 by a close family friend. I never told anybody not even my parents. Ever since, I have kept it within me.

Due to this, until I met my husband, I never had anybody friend because I felt the only interest of any man in a woman is to have sex with her.

I am now married and each time my husband wants to make love with me, I tense up. I have tried severally to put this feeling of sexual abuse behind me but can't. I just feel the same way about men. What can I do to forget it so I can enjoy lovemaking with my husband?

Your reply will be appreciated so much.

Blessing.

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Dear Blessing,

It is indeed a pity but the first step is to go back into your past. Go back to the scene of that incident. There is no way you can mend if you don’t have the courage to go back to the scene of the crime.

In your mind’s eyes, the scene has refused to go away. You feel betrayed by the very society who is supposed to help you. You lost confidence in friendship. It wasn’t just your body that was violated that day, your mind, trust as well as belief in every good thing the society stands for were violated along with your innocent mind.

Besides, you also feel dirty and secretly blame yourself for being responsible due to your inability to stop the brute that took away your innocence. These are all normal feelings for any woman who has gone through the horror of violation.

The major advantage of going back to that day is to help you put things in proper perspective. Do you think there was something you could have done to avoid it? Sincerely, no matter how many times you have blamed yourself since then, the man that raped you was a predator whose intent was unknown to you and hidden under the cover of friendship to successfully carry out his desire. Even if you had wanted to prevent it, at 12 you were too young and naïve to.

At that age, the law places you strictly under the protective custody of every adult around you including this man who took advantage of the situation to defile you. There was no way you could have avoided him at this age. Besides, you didn’t have the experience to read the signs of his lust for your innocent body. Your parents and all the other adults that were supposed to protect you weren’t there to help when this happened. So, pointless for you to hold on to guilt you had no power to prevent.

Stop blaming yourself and allow the guilt and sense of dirt you have bottled up inside of you ever since come out in the open by discussing it with your husband. Like I said, there was no way you could have prevented what happened.

Your husband has to know why you aren’t enjoying intimacy with him; he has the right to know to enable him know how to softly berth you into enjoying the act with him.

If you insist on dealing with this issue alone, it will eventually destroy your marriage because very soon your husband will begin to notice your lack of involvement in the act. When it happens it sets the stage for him too to begin to doubt your feelings for him and to ask questions about your loyalty. At this stage, it may be too late for you to try to get him to listen, because all the while he patiently waited for you to tell him why you seem not to like making love with him, you refused.

It is too late to do anything about the past, but everything can be done by you to change the present as well as the future.

The tragedy of holding on to this is, you keep yourself as victim of a situation caused by a man who has since forgotten all about it. The man who caused your pains is enjoying his life while you continue to give him the power to hurt you. I appreciate you will never forget the incident but it is also pointless to continue to give this man through what he did to you back then power to hurt and dictate the melody of your life. It is too much power to give to an individual over your life hence you must allow the love and tenderness of your husband replace this very bad memory from your mind. It is called the power of positive thinking.

Look at the extra qualities in your husband, the reasons you married him and how supportive despite your obvious lack of enthusiasm to him has been.

You need to know that not all men are brutes or want a woman for the pleasure of her body only. That your husband agreed to marry despite your seeming lack of warmth to him is an indication of the goodness in most men. This guy that violated you is an exception.

Discussing your past with your husband would not only thaw the tension inside of you but would also help both of you know move your relationship and marriage forward.

In addition, you must also appreciate that as a married woman, you have to understand the value of lovemaking in a marriage. The man who raped you had sex with you, pure simple lust. Telling your husband about this dark past will help him teach you the other side of the act; lovemaking, an experience you need to erase all the pains and memories of all these years.

It is also pertinent you read books about lovemaking. Being married it is within your rights to learn more about the subject to help your marriag7e going. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help when you have to. And if you live in Lagos, please don’t hesitate to visit our office at Block 5, Plot 7D Wempco Road, Ogba, Lagos, to see me.

Good luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

When the right one comes along, the whole world seems so beautiful, I like a lady that is very clean, beautiful, lovely, caring, God fearing, friendly and working class or into business for a relationship and eventually marriage.

Tribe is not a problem but would prefer a woman based in Lagos since I based in Lagos too.

I am 41 years old has never been married, tall, self-employed and a Christian.

Any interested woman should call or send SMS this 07059289199. I am of the opinion that makes a good wife or husband is not where they both met but what is in their heart. People are like water a level must always be found.

Austin.

He Loves, But Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

I am 26 years of age in love with a man who would be 29 this year. Our relationship is five years old. There is no questioning the fact that he loves me as much as I love him. He is equally caring.

But the problem is that he doesn’t trust me one bit. He believes that any boy or man that calls me on my phone is either my boyfriend or daddy.

Expectedly this is causing major hiccups in our relationship as he finds it extremely difficult to believe any word I say. He once told he finds it difficult to trust any woman because he considers women generally untrustworthy

Agatha, I have never cheated on him and will never do it. Tell me how to go about earning his trust and stop all these instances of misunderstanding between us.

Do you think he will marry me? If so, would the marriage last since he can’t trust any woman on this earth?

Queen.

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Dear Queen,

I am not a soothsayer, so I lack the power to say if he will marry you or not.

However, from his attitude towards you, it is clear there is an experience from his past which is making him unable to completely trust any woman again in his life.

This is what you should find out if you really desire this relationship because there is no way love and mistrust can exist side by side in a relationship. It is either he believes sufficiently in your person to accept everything about you or doesn’t.

Your first task is to go back into his past. Not just his relationships, but to his childhood. What type of relationship exists between his mother and him? If he classifies women as being generally untrustworthy, it means he doesn’t trust his mother as well. So, the problem goes beyond what you are looking at to something you cannot handle on your own without information from him or anyone close to him.

When a man finds it difficult to trust a woman, then there is a painful memory or incident in his past that is embossed and embedded in that part of his memory only he can reach. That memory has gathered so many cobwebs to the extent he thinks he has forgotten all about it but is unable to progress from the point of the incident.

Because it is a memory so etched in the deepest part of his heart and has erected blocks to make it harder to find, you have to learn to apply caution and wisdom to get him to talk about it. This is the time you must deploy all your feminine charms, prowess and tact to get him to talk about this incident.

Prepare for resistance and stubborn refusal to visit that incident. Don’t be deterred because it has nothing to do with you but as a result of inner struggle to open a very old wound he thought he had wrapped up nicely.

His reluctance would be more difficult to break if the issue has to do with his parents’ relationship. This sort of issue requires absolute patience so you must have plenty of it if you really love this man and hope to spend the rest of your life with him.

Frankly you are the one who has to do the most work in this relationship of getting him to learn to trust. So, are you prepared for the challenges of nursing a broken trust back to life? Mind you, a broken trust is the most important challenge in a relationship. Whereas a broken heart can be mended when true love flows in, trust takes more than love to mend. In his own way, he may indeed love you but without the concomitant trust to lay the right foundation, you may end up disappointed at the end of the day.

Whether it has to do with his family or former relationship, he needs your understanding as well as support to be able to heal properly. While it is not a case of you pretending to be who you are not, it is going out of your way to be nice so as to elicit his confidence.

The faith to allow the feelings that brought you both together sprout solid roots.

One way you can do this is by being absolutely open about your past, male friends, engagements as well as movements. Let every chapter in your life be opened for him to browse through anytime he wishes. Don’t wait for him to ask questions before giving him answers.

Refuse to be frustrated by his constant quest to know the identity of all your male callers. If possible give him the phone to talk to them if that is what would make his develop the right trust in your person.

Always have it at the back of your mind that whatever caused his insecurity in women cannot evaporate within days. It could take almost forever but if you learn how to be patient and considerate of his feelings, he will eventually forget all about the time of his pains.

Encourage and court his friendship because it is easier to trust a friend than a lover. So work on the quality of your friendship to help improve the quality of your relationship.

If you two are still having the problem of trust after five years of staying together, it shows that your relationship lacks the help of trust to pull it out of the point you started with.

The danger of all this is that in the last five years, the relationship has not grown beyond your starting point. It is dangerous for you in particular because this man hasn’t given you any solid commitment to anchor your desire to be with him for the rest of your life. Rather all he has done is to make you understand in very unmistakable terms that he doesn’t trust any woman including you.

I tell you, it isn’t going to be very easy getting him to change but if you are determined as well as have the ability to treat him like a baby, you will end up being happy eventually with him.

Good luck.

Biblical Injunction: How My Wife Is Married Off To Suit Restitution

Dear Agatha,

I am in severe dilemma over what to do about the development in my home where a church has broken the peace I have enjoyed for 18 years in my home.

I married this woman as a second wife under the native laws and customs system 18 years ago and have three children with her. To the best of my knowledge we have had a smooth relationship. She and my first wife are close and even though I am an Anglican, we have managed our affairs quite well.

Our first son is a year two student of one the private universities while our second is warming up to go into the same university this year.

Three years ago, she told me of her desire to change church. I didn’t object since it was a church matter. I actually gave her all the encouragement since her happiness was uppermost in my mind.

Immediately she became a member of the church, Deeper Life, I noticed she changed completely, first were her trinkets and her manner of dressing. In place of the clothes she favoured, she started wearing shapeless clothes and without consulting me, stopped dressing her hair.

Just as I was trying to grapple with these changes, she began to complain about our marriage. She said was a visitor in my life and that she had committed the sin of marrying another woman’s husband.

My first wife had to come into the matter when her complaints were becoming too much. My first wife assured her that having lived with her for 18 years, she was glad at the opportunity of knowing her.

Without any premonition of what was to come, she woke up one day and packed out of my house saying the church said she should. I watched her move out of the house in a trance. To me it was like watching a movie.

She didn’t make attempt at taking the children with her, as she said the church warned against it. Nothing the children, friends and family members said could change her mind. I even went to the church to threaten them but I was told to leave her alone.

Six months later, they forced her to marry a man who is 12 years her junior.

The question I am asking Agatha is whether it is right to take the wife of another man to another man? Is that what the Bible says? What kind of church would be so callous to separate a woman from her children? She says what she has done is restitution. Is it right?

Please help me because I have read the Bible from Genesis to Revelation and I haven’t seen any portion to support what this church has done to me. She remains my wife since I haven’t divorced her and have no wish to.

Olalekan

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Dear Olalekan,

There is indeed no aspect of the Bible to support marrying off the wife of another man to another in the name of restitution. This doctrine is strange. At all times, the application of the Bible is based on God given wisdom. Since God isn’t the author of confusion it follows, He would never allow His words be used to cause pains and disappointments in the lives of His own.

Granted that the Bible talks about restitution when one becomes born again, its proper application has remained a subject of controversy. In some churches, this woman would not be encouraged to go into another marriage almost immediately but given the support to help her begin another life in company of her children. At least her nudge towards matrimony will not be this immediate to give her time to adjust to her new way of life.

Therefore, this doctrine can only be the product of this church, not that of God. Even if they are insisting on restitution on account of her presence inflicting emotional pains on your first wife, they have destroyed whatever point they hoped to gain with the stance by arranging a marriage between her and another man irrespective of his age.

In asking her to leave the home and husband of another woman, they should have considered principally the feelings of those innocent children. They are the real issue here. The best the church could have done is to support her to be alone with her children and not commit the legal and moral offence of encouraging her to marry another man while turning her back on those children.

I fail to see the moral ground of this marriage. What sorts of marriage are they hoping the two can have? A marriage where one is coming with 18 years of experience against the other one’s zero experience?

Furthermore, what about the children? Are those children also to be deprived of the love and presence of their mother on the basis of her making the first mistake of marrying another woman’s husband? Should solutions to a mistake and problem ignore reality and objectivity of the situation on ground?

God appoints to us all responsibility for our actions, which means, her responsibility to her children cannot be ignored whatsoever. Marrying her off to another man cannot erase the fact that she has a past, perpetuated by her three children, even if they feel your feelings or presence amount to nothing in all these, while same cannot be said of the products of her union with you.

Without fear or favour, what they have done paints the Christian responsibility to us as superficial and hypocritical.

The church and society owe children a good measure of responsibility, which at all times has first call over all other issues. To have coldly ignored the children in the decision of restitution, amounts clearly to throwing the baby out with the bath water. There is no justifying whatsoever the decision of the leadership of the church to separate a mother from her children.

Frankly, with the way things have turned out, there is nothing you say to this woman now that would make sense to her or change her current feelings towards you. Allow her be and concentrate your energy on those children who by now would be wondering why their mother left them without thoughts.

You must do everything possible to protect them from any psychological problem that might arise from all these as well as whatever negative attitude they may want to develop to the things of God.

Understandably, you have every reason to be bitter, resentful as well as confused but the best approach to things like this, is allowing the will of God prevail at every turn of event. It is a battle beyond you, one only God has the final say, because sometime what we think is right in our eyes may be wrong in His estimation.

Until He speaks on this issue, don’t because of what has happened make you lose faith in God or His ways. However, we, as human beings, try to interpret His thoughts. But we will never succeed at knowing the secret of His ways. That is why He remains God and we Human beings.

The greatest joy you can give to yourself and these children is to ensure they succeed in life. This is what you owe them. Your claim to them remains without dispute. Always remember this at all times to make this period endurable for you.

Good luck.

My Aged Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

Dear Agatha,

My marriage is only a year old but my husband, who is almost 20 years older than I am doesn’t trust me. I’m in my late 40s while he is in his late 60s. I am a mother of three children while he has five from his late wife. He also has about five grandchildren.

I am divorced and was that way for a considerable length of time. From the moment I met my current husband, I felt something deep for him and irrespective of our age differences decided to spend the rest of my life with him when he offered me the opportunity to.

We got married last year but instead of the peace I envisaged, he has kept suspecting me of infidelity.

By every standard I am a very pretty woman and I know a lot of men have desires for me but I have made up my mind to stay with him despite our huge age difference.

I can’t say how all this started but I think it all started when he came home one day to meet my ex-husband, who is incidentally remarried, in our living room. Actually, my ex came to discuss our second child’s choice of career. He wanted her to read medicine while she preferred pharmacy.

When he showed up at my doorstep, I didn’t have the heart to turn him away hence invited him in so we could discuss. In the process of our discussion, I offered him entertainment and must have gotten carried away because my husband met us holding hands and laughing as we watched a movie.

Although he didn’t say anything but from that point I noticed a lot of things changed between us. Right in the presence of my ex, I explained his mission in our house, which he seemed satisfied with. He even sat with us for the remaining half hour it took for the film we were watching to finish

I expected him to voice out his feelings at the point if he had any reservation but he didn’t.

I have ever done everything humanly possible to make him trust me but nothing I say or do has been able to change his opinion of me.

Although he is caring and very attentive to the needs of my children, I want his trust. I am so confused and don’t know how to go about this issue.

Please help me.

Mariam.

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Dear Mariam,

In his shoes how would you feel walking into your matrimonial home and meeting your husband with his ex holding hands, sharing a drink and watching a movie together? What does that scene convey to the onlooker? Complete sense of intimacy between the two of you.

Yes, couples that have gone their different ways and have children between them cannot totally avoid each other but then there should be limits.

Allowing him to come into the home of another man and going to the extent of entertaining him, sitting together and holding hands is more than enough to plant a seed of doubt into the mind of any man, particularly an old man taking the risk of marrying at the age he ought to be happy.

Coming home and meeting the two of you in the relaxed and compromising position is more than an old man can bear. If you expect him to clap and pat your back for being so unthinking and disrespectful, then you are wrong.

The moment you re-married, your ex became part of your past life, a life you need the permission of your new life to visit. Your ex had no right coming to your matrimonial home and you definitely were wrong to have invited him in without the express permission of your current husband.

If he doesn’t trust you anymore, it is because you gave him concrete reasons to doubt your sincerity to him. You are a married woman, no longer free to associate with any man in an intimate way. Besides, why would you allow any man to visit you at home when no one else was around to defend your honour? For all your current husband knows, both of you could have indulged in something unholy given the fact that nobody was around in the house.

Besides being former couples, you risked bringing back the memories of a time past. When it comes to the issue of sex, a lot of things can go wrong when caught on the side of things. Sexual feelings and rascality has nothing to do with age or ability to take charge of the situation, not when the situation seems right and actually support the act to happen. The fact that your ex stayed for another 30 minutes to finish watching the film that was on showed the contempt he held you and your marriage.

If you were more discerning you would have been able to read mischief into this visit. From his attitude, the whole process of his visit may have been timed to create problems for you in your marriage. A case of no man having what he doesn’t want.

There was no reason for him to have come into your house to discuss the issue he purportedly came to discuss. This could have been done on the phone. And if he must see you, why didn’t he invite you to his house as the man and father of the child in question? His home would have been a more suitable place to discuss any issue affecting the children you have together not the home of another man.

What do you think would have happened if it were the wife who chanced in on such a scene between you and her husband? You are lucky your husband didn’t react probably because he now has maturity on his side.

You have really wronged your husband and need to do everything humanly possible including going on your knees to beg for his forgiveness. Yes, you may not have done anything with your ex but what you did is enough to make any man doubt your loyalty and sense of propriety as a married woman.

Entertaining a man in your home without the consent or knowledge of your husband is wrong and very difficult to explain.

When he arrived unexpectedly and insisted on discussing the issue of his child, you should have taken time out to phone your husband on the development. Such consideration for his feelings would have prepared him for the scene he met in his living room.

What happened scattered the basis of his foundation for you. Besides, it must have made him recall things he had previously forgotten like the memory of his late wife. Silently, he would be blaming God for taking the woman he started out with, whose death is making him witness things he shouldn’t be seeing in his old age. Don’t blame him for this. Being 20 years older than you, he has more experience than you and has more open wound scenes like the one he saw open up afresh. Unlike you, his capacity to endure such pain is weakened by the sad memories we daily carry along.

Go to him, cry and beg him to forgive you, tell him you have realised your mistake and that it would never happen again. The difference between the old and the young is that when an old man falls in love, it is without reservations because he has seen it all.

Show your husband that you love him by inviting him out to a naughty time out away from him. Like a child, he needs to feel and be assured of the love of the woman in his life.

Good luck.

My Pastor Boyfriend Wants Me Pregnant As Marriage Preconditon

Dear Agatha,

I am in a very tight corner as my boyfriend of six months who professes to be a pastor is insisting I get pregnant before he can marry me.

I have equally made up against getting pregnant before I marry or allow him sleep with me for that matter. Although I am not a virgin but I want a man to love me for whom I am, and not for the thrills of my body.

I actually love this man with my whole heart but his condition is putting me off as well as making me questioning his passion for the things for God.

I am so confused especially as my age, early 30s, is putting me under severe pressure to settle down but do you think him sincere in his feelings for me? Incidentally, he is in his late 40s and still single.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

I concur you are walking a very tight rope but one which wisdom and honesty of what you really want out of life can get you off easily without consequences.

To help you make the right choice, think of what your new values are and what informed them. A man who is interested in a woman would not give conditions without thinking of the consequences to the woman.

The issue here is whether you are you ready to be pregnant now without being married? You have said no, so let your no be a resounding one to him, one he has to understand as well as appreciate the reasons behind it.

The danger of submitting to him on this one is that if you allow him to blackmail you now he will do to you as he pleases in future. From this early, he has to learn to respect you, consider your feelings and thoughts as well as give both of you the opportunity to discuss the advantages or otherwise of the choices you have to make in your relationship.

A relationship where one party takes the decision and expects the other person to accept such a decision never works no matter how desperate the two initially crave for it. The pedals of a successful relationship need the input of both parties to get it moving excellently well.

In this instance both of you must set aside your previous prejudices that caused both of you to take the decisions you each took before going into this relationship. Without both of you helping this relationship get off the ground, it will collapse like a pack of cards.

On your part, you must understand why he is unmarried at his age when all his peers are almost expecting their grandchildren. Whatever experiences he has had are definitely not pleasant ones for him to be still single at his age. Against this background, you must understand that such a man may not be ready to take chances, want assurances that after waiting for almost 50 years of age, his choices are very limited hence must have the physical evidence to take the all important step in life.

For him, it is no longer love the way you see it but a reality of what he has to do. This is not saying he doesn’t feel anything for you but not enough to make him take the risk of marrying a woman he isn’t sure of her ability to give him a child.

Though unfortunate, given the fact that as a servant of God he ought to be more trusting of the God he serves, he is still a man, limited by his ways and hampered by his life experiences. You must understand that not everybody who claims to be a servant of God has all that it takes to stand on the side of God in times of trials and temptations. Yet, God finds a place for them to work in His vineyard, so don’t on account of what he is asking you to do question his relevance in the factory of God.

The danger of concentrating on his vocation is that you will never be able to make an unbiased assessment of all the unseen issues involved in his demands. To help, you must know every experience he has had with women and how he ended up being still single at his age.

That would enable you know how to manage him in such a way your relationship would come out the best for it.

As the woman involved and who has to give him back the confidence he must have lost in the past in women and relationships, you cannot afford to be too rigid on certain things. While you insist you don’t want to get pregnant before the wedding day, both of you can quietly go to the registry to formalise your union to enable you get pregnant within legal frameworks. Make him understand that this is more for his sake than yours since he is the one who has the moral responsibility of facing a congregation of God’s children to explain why he who is supposed to know better pre-empted his marital vows.

You have to learn to use what is important to him now to make him reason with you. There is every possibility that in his blinded quest to actualise his own personal agenda, he forgot to consider the implication of his desire on his calling as well as the effect it would have on all the youths who in one way or the other have come to see him as their role model.

Discussing it with him would enable him think beyond the immediacy of his problem and consider all those who would not only be disappointed at his conduct but equally those whose Christian growth and life would be terminated by this quest of his.

The proper wedding, if it would not affect his ministry can wait until you get pregnant.
In your 30s, I am not going tell you to submit to his love advances or not. This is because you are more than ripe and old enough to know what you want and how to manage your desires having done it before.

However, one thing stands out in a relationship that is this complex and has over-aged participants, it cannot be conducted like that involving young and impressionable couple. You have both seen life in all its colours and know what to drop to meet your immediate need and what to hold on to in terms of personal principle.

As for being sincere, it depends on who judges whom. Though jaundiced and appears subjective, he has at least the boldness to tell you what works for him. It goes beyond the sincerity to that of the needs of a middle-aged man who wants to be sure of the years he has left. Life’s lessons have taught him to look at life differently from the way he would have looked at it about two decades back.

That he is offering you marriage in addition to being the mother of his child is enough show of sincerity for him.

Since his offer has not offended you enough to quit the relationship or stop the flow of love you have for him, shows the relationship has one or two things going in its favour.

This is what you two should find out and hold on to jealously, to give your foundation a good frame as well as character to navigate it.

Issues like this require both of you to make the choice that suits your relationship and not what works in an ideal world or for others.

In addition, you both need to seek collectively and individually the face of God to be sure you were meant to be together since that is the only way all the other ingredients can finely mix together without lumps or lose bonds. Once God gives His consent, whatever the problems are would melt naturally away.

The essence of seeking the face of God is to prevent the greater calamity of having to live with monumental regrets after all the former years you have both waited to be happy.

Good luck.

Re: Before My Quick Orgasm Sends Her Packing

Dear Agatha,

I read your column often and would like to say you are doing a nice job. On May 11, 2009, your publication concerning a guy, scared of losing his woman to premature ejaculation fascinates me.

I would like to offer him the benefit of experience and assist him.

I am not a specialist or an expert, just a young guy of 23 years of age, who had similar problem and become knowledgeable on it from reading several articles on the issue. Would be glad if you can do this if it isn’t against your policy.

Jerry.

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Dear Jerry,

I am glad at the news you are offering to share with this reader. I am sure he would get to you through your email once he reads this.

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Dear Anxious Man,

If reading this, take advantage of the offer through this email address, jerrychi770@yahoo.com. No teacher like experience.

Good luck.