He’s Damned Envious Of My Elevation

Dear Agatha,

I must start by thanking you for putting yourself out for the well-being of our folks. I live in Europe, and I’m an avid reader of your column.

I work in a multi-man all-male environment; therefore, there is a good dose of humour. As expected in such close proximity, we enjoy a healthy dose of banter as well.

Nonetheless, there is this fellow Nigerian who sees nothing right with anything I do as the acting assistant manager. This position was initially offered to me by my immediate past manager, subject to authorisation from the head office. It was later thought wise to throw the position open to others who may want to apply; to accommodate other interests, it was internally advertised. The person in question also applied for the position.

Shortly before the process for interview commenced, the English manager left for a better job in a rather hurried manner. It fell on me to run shop in the interim. I must confess it was the most harrowing time of my life on account of the infantile intrigues of this colleague. He did everything possible to discredit everything I did.

Nigerians in this work inexplicably make up 90 per cent of the work force, a very rare opportunity I thought, given the high-profile nature of the assignment. In view of the stereotypically depressing culture of our ‘host’ about our perceived lack of ability to hold up standards, I pleaded with my folks to do their very utmost, because failure won’t just reflect badly on our employer, but on our collective identity.

Thankfully, I handed over to a substantive manager with commendations for the team, while my efforts were rewarded with a performance award.

Again, the position of assistant manager was advertised and this person and I applied for the position. Just before interview date, on a weekend the manager and I were off work, this person left his duty post for five hours without permission. Unfortunately for him, a superior officer came on a routine check, discovered his absence, which was confirmed through the CCTV.

My Christian ethos blinded me to a tactical advice: you don’t lose the initiative to your opposite in a power game. Nevertheless, my pastor’s words kept rigging in my head: you can win the battle, but then you lose a friend. I was persuaded to intervene on his behalf, without any prompting from him. I pleaded with the operations director who attended to supervise the disciplinary process to pardon his daft behaviour. He assured me nothing drastic would come to him. Again, I pleaded with my immediate manager to hand him a soft landing, he agreed.

A few days ago this colleague accused me of selling information about his second job to our employer. All attempts to reassure him that I am not capable of such satanic thing fell on deaf ears. Subsequently, we had strong words and I accused him of witch-hunting, spite and undermining my position.

I am thinking of going to our employer with this. Now, wouldn’t it make us stupid in the eyes of our foreign employers that we can’t hold it together without warring amongst ourselves?

I need your view on this matter real soon.

Akin.

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Dear Akin,

Don’t report him, it isn’t worth it. What you did, you did for God and not him. He doesn’t have to believe you had nothing to do with the thing he is accusing you of. Whether he believes you or not is immaterial. What is important is that you have helped to protect his job. This is what counts to God not the politics of whatever scheming he is doing behind your back to either discredit you for the job God has assigned to you or to paint you black in the minds of your colleagues.

Reporting him to your employers is taking the initiative away from God and taking on your battle yourself. If you remember, you may not have been the most qualified for that job or the most competent you will learn how to endure the antics of this person by refusing to fight back. God saw something special in you, a quality that has to be given freedom to grow hence He allowed your application to sail through.

Through the attitude of this man, God is training you for something bigger. Leadership doesn’t come without challenges. If you aspire for the best in life, you must learn to accommodate people like this without giving up on them or your own ability to cope with them without allowing yourself to be dragged in their dirt or through the mud.

Life is a challenge and an on-going school. For those God is preparing for tougher challenges, He deliberately plants human irritants to test their endurance, patience, tolerance and faith in Him.

Positions of authority don’t come to some people based on their intimidating credentials but on their ability to manage humans. This is why less-qualified people sometimes are given more responsibilities, considered for higher positions than seemingly better-qualified persons.

You would be exposing your weakness as a leader if you report him to your employers. It isn’t just a matter of exposing your nationality to ridicule but your own ability to manage the different shades and character of people that have been placed under you. It would definitely work against you when there is a tie between you and another person for a higher opening in the management.

A good manager is one who is always atop of events, never giving in to emotions, sentiments or side attractions.

Allow this matter rest. Ignore him the next time he comes with such negative and unfounded accusations. You don’t join a mad man in exchanging words simply because the mad man throws abusive words at you.

Everyone knows he would never be happy losing a position he had hoped to occupy to you. For now you have the sympathy of people but risk losing it if you give in to his intentional attempts at blackmailing you to fight back.

He is baiting you to showcase your unsuitability for that position so beware and learn to be ahead of him.

Going on your knees before God is the best way to triumph over people like him. This isn’t your battle but that of the God you serve who has persistently shown you favour in a foreign land.

Good luck.

My Husband Has Another Wife

Dear Agatha,

I have been married for six years with two children. For us it was love at first sight and honestly nobody told me anything about his other wife until she came into my house last week to announce that the man I have lived with for six years actually got married to her first.

I didn’t believe her at first but looking at the children with her, I knew she was telling the truth. They all looked like my own children who both took after their father in appearance. Her last child is almost of the same age with my first child.

According to her, my husband abandoned her and the children in the village to marry me, which explains why he has consistently refused to take me to see his people. She said she got to know about me by accident when during his last visit to the village, he forgot the photographs of my children and I in his room.

At least my husband when he came had the grace to admit to everything she said but insisted he prefers me to his first wife and says since he married me at the registry, I remain his legal wife.

He said he took the decision not to tell me because at the time he met me he was almost going insane in the marriage and would either have taken his life or that of his first wife but for his meeting with me.

He was afraid I wouldn’t have agreed to marry him. I come from very strict Christian home and never planned for polygamy.

All his family members, including his mother agree they have wronged me by not telling me the truth but say, they did it out of love for my person.

My parents on the other hand want me to end the marriage and come home, that they will never support my being a second wife to any man. They also insist that I should leave the children behind.

I love my children and will never leave them. His first wife after series of discussions has also agreed to vacate his life stating that she only came to set the records straight and she has also lost interest in the marriage.

Although this has caused me pain, I still love my husband. He is caring and has never in my six years of marriage to him given me reason to doubt him or regret ever marrying him. He dotes on the children but right now I need your help to make the right decision.

Confused Wife.

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Dear Confused Wife,

Sometimes, life calls on us to carry a load that at first glance appears impossible to carry but which in time becomes light. This is what is happening to you now.

There is no doubting the bitterness, heaviness and outrage in your mind now; finding out that the man you love, respected and gave your everything to is really not everything he says he is. On this premise, if you vacate your home, you will be justified and nobody can blame you.

In fact, it is what many women who find themselves in your shoes would do. To have come to the realisation that you have been married to another woman’s husband without you knowing it all this time is the worst form of betrayal and rightly raises the issue of his credibility and sincerity.

This is indeed the worry of your parents who are both offended and bewildered at the implications of his action. Your parents are only concerned and afraid he might have other hidden skeletons in his cupboard.

But asking you to come home isn’t a solution because whatever it is they are trying to prevent had happened already. Whether you like it or not, you are already involved in polygamy since he has children by this woman. The cold truth is your children have step-siblings, this fact your parents or doctrines cannot erase.

If you leave this marriage, are you going to remain single? How would it help you undo the past mistake? There is no amending this mistake. It is too late for whatever they have in mind. You cannot live with them forever and a time would come when they too would put pressure on you to go back to your husband or remarry.

And because you already have two children, the choice of a single man who has never married may be difficult. What they don’t want in your current arrangement is what they would eventually go back to with another man. So why complicate your life by vacating the devil you already know for an angel you don’t? Besides, what is the rational of leaving your children behind? If your parents really desire your interest, they should not insist on your leaving the children behind.

What they should do in this situation is to summon your husband, first to register their disgust and to warn him against hurting you any more than he has. Truthfully beyond this, there is nothing they can do to ameliorate the situation you have found yourself in.

Although it isn’t something any woman wish for herself but be assured there is no new experience in life. Our problems are all recycled from age to age and solutions constantly evolve to make it easier for us to bear.

Granted, he has done the unforgivable but look inside your heart for solutions and at this point it is in your interest not to listen to the voices of those who will tell you to give it all up. In your shoes, these same people would stay on.

When situation gets this hazy, it is always best like you have done to look at the positive side of the person involved. This is a good indication that you are ready to work things out.

The issue you should first address is why he acted the way he did. Let him know he should have given you and the other woman a choice in the matter. That by refusing to factor in your feelings he has destroyed your trust in him. Don’t pretend that all is well. Let him know precisely what you feel despite being willing for the sake of love to live with him.

One of the conditions you must negotiate with him has to do with the other woman and her children. Once you agree to stay, you must also agree to be their mother and open your heart to them to avoid the greater future tragedy of these children growing up in bitterness and taking arms against you and your children.

You must work out a way of getting to the children personally to ensure love flows in their heart for you and your children. Also, you must meet their mother outside your husband to explain your innocence and ask for her forgiveness. At this point it doesn’t matter whether she was in the wrong or not, what counts, is how unfair your husband treated her. Her past mistakes have been nullified by the actions your husband took against her. Your husband’s actions put you in a very precarious position so it is in your interest to ensure you mop up every traces of ill wind this might cause your family so don’t get tired of pleading with her. Always ensure he doesn’t shy away from his duties to that woman and her children.

Some may think you foolish but God knows why He allowed this to happen to you. It has nothing to do with your upbringing or attitude but the plans He alone has for you. Do it with the strength of a woman who has found determination in her unconditional love for her family, one who has the patience, calm, tolerance and understanding to see her family through this monstrous storm.

Your time to smile will come. For now allow the will and wisdom of God to prevail. This is however not asking you to be superhuman. Cry, get angry when you feel like it, it is all part of the healing process.

Above all, stay tuned to God and His directives. His love is more than enough for you.

Good luck.

He’s My Kind Of Man But Too Holy!

Dear Agatha,

I need your help. I am a girl of 21 but never experienced true love. All those I have met are not my taste. In my chapel at school there is this brother who has it all, but the problem is that he is too holy.

Vikk.

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Dear Vikk,

What do you consider as being too holy? Is it a crime to serve God and belief in His ways? What are your own attitudes towards the things of God? Do you consider it a huge disadvantage for him to be holy?

What makes you think he is the right one for you? Are you sure that isn’t the attraction for you? Often time, the forbidden things have the strongest attractions.

Before you move out to him, please ask yourself about your motive? What are you looking for in a relationship and this man? is it pure sex or friendship?

If you are seeking for friendship, it shouldn’t bother you too much if he appears so holy after all the essence of friendship is to understand and help the one who is a friend to develop to the fullest. To be a good friend, you must first offer yourself a platform to appreciate the uniqueness in yourself else, it would be difficult to recognize the exceptionality in another person. What you think is a fault in this man may end up being his rarest asset.

Being clear about your motive is to prevent regrets on both your parts especially yours later in life.

Until you get close to someone, you can’t tell who that person really is. The first thing to do is to try to be friends with him. Getting to know him at close quarters would give you the opportunity to adjudge objectively. We often don’t get the right opinion about people from a distance.

Once you are friends, every other thing will fall perfectly into place.

Good luck.

After Five Years She Now Feels Too Big For Me…

Dear Agatha,

I have a got a girl whom I started dating in 2003 when she was 13 and I 16 years old.

She is currently 18 while I am now 21.

She now feels more matured and as well under pressure from peers. These days she lacks respect for me and has stopped paying me attention.

I don’t know what to do.

Greg.

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Dear Greg,

That is the life of the woman. A woman because of her biological make-up ages faster than the man. She is in her peacock years, the period of arrogance and unlimited choices. This is expected because she is like fresh dew, cool, radiant and full of promises. Like a newly hatched butterfly, her glory is there for all to see. This is the age when a woman thinks she has the entire world at her feet. With so much power to bring any man down to his knees, she is bound to be vain and disrespectful no matter her upbringing. So your girlfriend isn’t doing anything new that millions of women before her haven’t done and which those coming behind her wouldn’t do. It is part of a young woman’s passage into womanhood. These are the cherished memories every woman locks securely in her bosom and shares with her daughters when the need calls for it.

At 18, she is almost ready to marry while at 21 you still have very far to go. In most cases, it has nothing to do with peer pressure but the reality of the situation Mother Nature has designed for the woman. While a man’s life isn’t governed by calendars and can have children till the very end of his life, a woman isn’t that lucky. Her life is framed into the confines of a calendar.

From the moment she starts to menstruate, the onset of her reproductive years, she begins a race against time. All her choices must be made within the limited period Mother Nature has given her else she is left with nothing to be remembered for. Once menopause sets in, she loses all hopes of being a mother, of performing her biological role as a woman.

This is why most women once they begin to approach the peak of their years as a woman, they begin to think deeply and look at relationships more critically than they did before.

At 13, when she started, her motive then was to have fun, follow the music of her heart and the fantasy of a dream. Then love had all the beautiful colours, devoid of responsibilities and reality.

At your ages then, it was a wild field, akin to a huge disco hall. The excitement of the music keeps dancers on the dance floor long after the music ceases. Then your dreams were satisfied simply by being together.

With age comes an awareness of responsibility, the acute awareness that there is more to life than rose-coloured petals. That a woman’s sense of anxiety is heightened by the fact that her lifespan is governed by her reproductive years. At 18, she has started a countdown of her reproductive years, while at 21 you haven’t started. The society expects you to first get through with your education, get a good job and stabilise in it before contemplating a serious relationship. On the other hand, the society expects her to begin her own preparation for marriage at this age. She is expected to be on the subtle look out for a man who will marry her once she gets into her 20s, not one who still has a far way to go like you. If you understand this biological fact, you will understand her better.

However, there are always exceptions to the general rule. Some couples, who started so early in life, despite the mounting challenges imposed by nature and society were still able to weather the storm together and end up achieving their life’s desires to be together. You and your girlfriend may belong to this group.

But for this to work, there is the need for both of you to come together and discuss your new challenges.

You both need to drag the relationship away from the cupboard of its neo-natal platform to something more matured. At 13 and 16, you were both babies, innocent and blank of the demands as well as expectations of a relationship. At those ages, you were both reacting to your hormonal drive, nothing more.

But now you are older, can think and take decisions as well as control those monstrous hormones. You now want something different from what you both wanted then. You are now beginning to appreciate there is more to a relationship than chemical reactions. You now know the differences from everything happening around you that there is a huge difference between fantasy and reality.

Clearly, your woman wants something different. Promises and evidences that she is going to be happy with you and that you have wanted to keep her that way. Fantasy has given way to crude reality which means she is beginning to see you in a new light.
For the first time, she is appraising you with the eyes of a woman and not a girl. Her heart is demanding she looks past the boy to the man in you. As a boy, you were fun to be with, but as a man, who are you? At 18, this is also the age of vanity for the woman. Do you fit in her fantasy, the kind of man she can advertise to her friends, who has not just the right features but also the money to throw around?

Sincerely, it would take a lot of efforts and re-positioning of the relationship to get her to listen to you.

But before you do that, do some self-appraisal of your feelings, status and ambitions as a man and not as a boy. Where do you intend to go from here? What are your vivid plans for the future? By now, you should have an inkling of what you want to do and those things that are very achievable to you.

So who is the man behind the boy? Once you have clear answers to give, go to her and discuss your new plans. She knows the boy in you; give her the chance to see the man in you too, the strength of character as well as the seriousness with which you intend to manage the affairs of your life and home.

Her maturity demands you tell her all about your visions and dreams. Part of the problem is she still views you with the eyes of a 13 year old, and she needs to see you through the eyes of a woman, young and beautiful for that matter.

These are the issues that would make the difference to her and help her get out of the confusion the pressures her friends and mind is putting on her.

No matter how objectionable and tiresome she has become overtime, friendship demands you try to put things right between you because no matter what, you both share a special history together of being the first love of each other’s live. It is always profitable to remain friends rather than enemies.

Good luck.

Three At My Skirt… Who Do I Pick?

Dear Agatha,

I have three lovely fiancés who have all proposed marriage to me. The problem is, I don’t know whom to pick among them, as they are all ready to settle down.

Worried Girl.

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Dear Worried Girl,

Three fiancés? The issue here is, are you ready to settle down? Do you understand what commitment is and settling down involves?

For that matter what do you understand by the word fiancé? What does relationship mean to you? Is it for you a jolly ride or something more responsible?

There is no way you will not be confused because you never had any idea of your ideal man in the first place. Whatever led you to keeping three men at the same time may hamper your ability to settle for the right man if you don’t first take time out to reflect on the qualities you want in a man and what would keep you faithful to one man.

You first have to grow the habit of faithfulness else you may end up being unable to keep your marriage vows to your husband. This is imperative because the ability to be faithful doesn’t grow on the tree overnight. It takes nurturing, perseverance, patience, understanding as well as determination to grow.

From your records, you clearly lack any of these attributes; so going into marriage with any of these men would not only destroy the faith of these men in other women but also give you a reputation you may not be proud of at the end of the day.

If you can sort out the problem you have with yourself, values and wants, it would be easier for you to know which of these men can make you absolutely happy.

Good luck.

Somebody Salvage My Life From This Mess?

Dear Agatha,

I wish to thank you for the wonderful works you have done in the lives of so many people. May God grant you more wisdom and continue to bless you.

I am 24 years old and a 300 Level Computer Science student in one of the higher institutions in Nigeria.

My problems started eight months ago when I lost my parents in a fatal motor accident. Ever since then I have been facing a lot of problems though I have two elder brothers but are totally irresponsible. They both do drugs and have between them wasted all our father’s investment within these few months. My elder brother sold one of my father’s houses I normally stay while on holidays two months ago with the promise to get me a smaller place of my own.

The man who bought the house has made the payment yet my brother isn’t saying anything about the house anymore, which has practically left me homeless during the holidays.

It isn’t as if I don’t have uncles and aunties I can stay with but due to the way our parents brought us up, I am not close to any of them, making it difficult for me to seek assistance from them.

However, the major challenge I am facing now has to do with the payment of my school fees. Without paying, I can’t sit for my examinations. All efforts to get the money from friends have proved abortive.

Flowing from my experience, I wonder why some people are simply unlucky or is it just me? Does it mean I won’t be a graduate like my friends because I no longer have money?

My worst nightmare has to do with the woman I once thought loved me as much as I loved her. Since I can no-longer foot her bills she called off our relationship without a second thought for my feelings and my obvious need of her.

Why are girls all after money and not true love? Right now I feel I am alone in this world. To be honest with you, I am really getting tired of praying without any positive change in my current status.

I urgently need a saviour and I am willing to do anything in return. I also need someone to love and call my own, to stand by me until all these is over.

Alvin.

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Dear Alvin,

What do you want the most now: someone to love or help with your education? There is no way anyone would consider you a serious young man in need of help with his education if you are also questing for the love of a woman.

In your condition, the two don’t go together; one has to be pegged for the other to flourish.

The reality of your situation demands you set new priorities totally different from the ones you had when your parents were alive to support you. Despite having elder brothers ahead of you, you are all alone hence must learn to be better focused on what you actually need and not what you think you need.

The truth is nobody would be willing to bet on a man who believes in mixing pleasure with business. Any girl now would be a distraction and a huge burden on whatever you are able to make. The situation demands you focusing more squarely on seeing how you can graduate first before any other thing.

Your situation calls for self-discipline and denial. It also calls for learning to develop yourself through looking inwards for answers to your problems. The truth about all these is that you may not get a helping hand anywhere. If that happens, what do you intend to do? Vacate your dreams of becoming a graduate and being someone profitable to the society in future?

That your parents died suddenly doesn’t mean your own dreams too have to die with them. God invests so much in all of us to allow that to happen.

Don’t forget, before you were born, He had you wired with all the things you need to survive through storms, rains and shines. What you should do is to look at your God given manual that is if you know where to look at, you would discover that in you He created software to think care of this period in your life. He knew your parents would die when they did and that your brothers would behave precisely as they are behaving.

God doesn’t leave us without plenty of alternative routes to take us out of the abyss. Your help may not come from others but from your own resolve to make it with or without help from anybody.

Your cue is to examine what you are good at. Even if anyone is going to offer help, he or she must know your abilities as a person. The person may not be asking for collateral or repayment but assurances that you will judiciously make use of the opportunity given.

What is it that you can do better than others? Do you have the boldness and right attitude to make things work for you? Do you come with the drive that rejects ‘no’ and only recognises ‘yes’ even the night at its darkest? Do you have the faith to achieve the impossible?

Weeping or lamenting your situation would not change things neither is getting too desperate. Learn to be calm always no matter how harsh the weather condition is. Desperation would only open you to fatal mistakes while self-control enables you to objectively weigh all the options without caving in to the problems.

In the alternative, what can you do on your own? If you weren’t born into a privileged family wouldn’t you have survived?

The difference between our failure and success is determination. And one way to have this determination is to have a dream. Once you know what you want, getting there won’t be a problem because even if you fail and fall on the way, the joy of getting to the trophy makes the journey enjoyable.

Think of a business you can do to sustain yourself while at school. A lot of children from humble home survive by trading in either new or second hand clothes, selling recharge cards, doing menial jobs or other humble and honest things to survive.

Once you are not proud and able to adjust to the reality of your situation without considering the reactions of your friends to your new lifestyle, you will laugh at last.

Hard work doesn’t kill but pride does. One thing you should never forget in life is nobody cares about the happiness of another person. If you don’t learn to listen to yourself, make your own judgement and take decisions designed to help you become a success story, nobody will. Most people are only good at laughing and discouraging others from being happy.

Let them call you names, focus on the end result of your dreams and you will see how these same people flock to you after you have succeeded.

If you didn’t know how to pray until now, begin to do so. If you never had a relationship with God, take the step of faith towards His throne of grace and mercy. He will find you accommodation as well as your other needs.

If it’s any assurance, we all go through dry and hungry days in the wilderness of life. Those who are today world leaders have their spell of wilderness experiences.

Good luck.

Memories Of My Late Wife Haunt My New Love

Dear Agatha,

I thank God almighty for bringing somebody like you to address crucial issues that bother on people’s relationships. God will continue to support and reward you for your selfless service to humanity.

I have a problem that is fast tearing my marriage apart. I was married some seven years ago, but I lost my wife after two years’ of marriage. There was no issue from the union. Three years later, I got married again, and we now have two issues, a boy and a girl.

My problem is each time there is a little misunderstanding between us, I look back at my late wife who was everything an ideal woman should have. She had premium manner, was respectful and conducted herself with dignity. The love between us was so deep that after her death, her parents officially approached me to marry one of her sisters. I, however, declined.

So I really find it difficult to take my new wife the way she is, for us to forge ahead, especially my habit of comparing her with my late wife. She doesn’t know about this habit of mine because I have never mentioned this fact to her.

Please what should I do, because the relationship is losing value by the day?

Desperate For Love.

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Dear Desperate For Love,

There is no way you can ever truly discover the hidden potentials of your present wife when you refuse to let go of the memories of your late wife.

Without you giving yourself and this woman a chance to be happy, nothing she does will ever be right in your sight. You have to give her the opportunity to become the wife you want her to be. As her husband, your duty is to gently guide her on the path you wish with love as well as support, not constantly tailoring your mind to continue to criticise her or compare her to a dead woman. The memory of your late wife is neither a fair competition nor is it one she can fight.

It would have been a different case if she were alive but how do you expect her to compete and win the battle against the memory of a woman you have by yourself elevated to the level of a saint in your mind. Frankly, it is an unfair equation. With your attitude there is nothing this woman will ever do that would be right where you are concerned because you consider her very inferior to even hold the candle against your late wife’s memories.

You are simply being unreasonable and selfish, putting your interest above every other thing. Since you weren’t over the death of your first wife, you shouldn’t have married this woman whose life you are now messing up. Doubtless she cannot replace her memory in your life but you have to wake up to the fact that she is an innocent party in all these who agreed to share your life because you asked her to. She wasn’t responsible for what happened to your first wife so why make her pay for your pains and anger against God for taking your first wife away?

In the first place, no even identical twins have the same attitude to life or the same character. Even one of us is a patent work from God hence you have to give this woman the chance to showcase her strength and weakness. If you keep exorcising the ghost of your late wife at every opportunity that presents itself, you risk losing everything at the end of the day.

Cold and bitter as this is, your late wife belongs to your past. Granted you shared something precious and unique, she is dead and has vacated the stage of your life for your present wife who now occupies your present and has through the children given you a future to hold.

Though the past never really goes away, however if you make the mistake of giving it too much power and authority, it can stifle the present and the future. You are lucky to have a woman again in your life and willing to live with your past that didn’t question whatever you may have told her about it.

I am sure pressures would have been mounted on her not to marry you on account of the death of your wife. That she married you shows she saw something special about you and has the vision that she would be able to wipe away the pains of your past. But if you are not giving her the chance to make you happy, how can she help you forget to enable you move on in your life?

To enjoy the dividends of marriage, give this woman the chance to make the difference in your life. Yes, there is no ruling out the memories of your first wife especially as she gave you so much happiness and joy. I appreciate it would take a while for her memories to fade but if you keep refusing to let go, they will never give you the chance to build a life with another woman.

Therefore do yourself a world of good before this woman begins to act out her frustration at your attitude and treatment of her. You may think she doesn’t suspect or notice your response to her, the truth is she is simply ignoring it so as not to rock her home or destabilise your life again.

She appreciates that you cannot endure bereavement for a second time but if you leave her with no choice, you leave her with little or no choice but to fight for her own happiness.

To help you focus properly, answer these important questions: how would you feel if she vacates your life? What would you do if you come home one day to find her and the children missing from your life?

Would the memory of your late wife be sufficient to fill the void their absence in your life would create? Would her memory erase the happiness these children have brought into your life?

Are you saying this woman hasn’t given you something to laugh and be happy about? Does it mean she hasn’t measured up at all to your expectations?

I am sure even in your first marriage there were points of disagreement, moments you wished your late wife were another woman, hoped you would wake up and find her gone. No matter how perfect a relationship is there are always moments of regrets and anxieties.

Even if there were no such moments in your time with her, the fact remains she would be happier wherever she is currently, knowing that another woman is by your side continuing from where she stopped. With the type of love you both shared, she would never wish you to be alone.

To help yourself put the past behind you, go back to the first day you met her. Despite everything happening around you, you must have a recollection of what made you decide on her, something special as well as appealing. It is more than enough to go by. Once you remember, it would enable you put things in their proper perspective.

Since it is a journey of self-discovery, crush the urge to compare her with your late wife by reminding yourself that, no matter how much you miss your first wife, she is dead and will never be able to give you the warmth your present wife gives.

Give her the chance to be herself, allow her to make her mistakes while you engrave her uniqueness into your heart. Let her loan you her strength to make this burden light for you else a point would come when you will break down with nobody to help you stand again on your feet. If this marriage collapses, there is the tendency for people to assume you have a major spiritual problem trailing you hence would make it difficult for you to get another woman to stay with you.

Nobody was created to be perfect. We all come with factory defects, flaws our friends, family and other loved ones have to learn to accommodate just as we tolerate theirs.

No marriage can survive when a third party is involved. Your late wife has become a stranger in your current marriage to this woman so leave her out of it if you want to be happy and find a harmony in your new choice.

Think of the children who need the love and attention of their father, think of that woman who has decided to ensure all your shortcomings for the sake of love. It takes time for couple to really understand the values of each other.

In all these you stand to lose more than this woman so it is in your interest to allow her access into your heart and life.

Woo her by buying her presents, complimenting her looks and praising her housework. It just takes a little effort to bring back the best in any woman once she is happy and secured in her husband’s love and warmth.

From all indications, she is not the one making you unhappy; rather you are the one doing that to yourself and marriage.

Once you make the decision to be happy, time will help you heal all old wounds and memories of the past.

Good luck.

In Love With Another Man Yet She’s Very Friendly…

Dear Agatha,

I approached a girl who has been so good and loving to me for a relationship. She was good enough to tell me of the existence of a relationship she already has and from all indications he is emotionally satisfying to her.

However, my challenge is despite being in love with her boyfriend, she still calls me with endearments like my baby and sweetheart.

Also her boyfriend lives far away from her while she and I attend the same school.

What do I do with her? Let her go or date her?

Mr. T.

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Dear Mr. T,

She has told you the truth concerning her status so the issue of what to do with her doesn’t arise. Besides, the decision of whether to date her or not isn’t yours to make but hers. And she has been honest enough to tell you that she has someone in her life.

Allow her be and not mount unnecessary pressure on her. In her boyfriend’s shoes, how would you feel?

Remove your mind from her and direct your attention on someone else.

Don’t read too much into those endearments because they may not mean anything to her beyond show of friendship.

Good luck.

My First Cousin Is In Love With Me…

Dear Agatha,

I am a regular reader of your column. I pray that God will generously bless you for the encouragement you are giving to people, who are looking for solution to their problems.

I need your assistance.

It has to do with my cousin who has fallen in love with me. He picks quarrel with me whenever he sees me in the company of another man or takes calls from men. He is determined to take over my life, as he prefers my company to those of even his friends whom he has stopped socialising with. He even prefers my company to that of his parents and is forever willing to do everything to please me including getting me anything I desire.

Honestly, I didn’t suspect anything unusual about his special interest in me until December last year when we travelled one night and he told me about his feelings for me.

On that night, he told me about his feelings as well as his desire I never see another man again. He explained that he is a very jealous lover and would do anything to ensure I am happy. I also pledged my love for him.

But the problem is that we are first cousins. We kiss, romance as well as make love.

I am confused and don’t know how to handle this especially as we are cousins.

Confused Lover.

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Dear Confused Lover,

First cousins? I know of certain cultures that permit distant cousins marrying but a marriage between first cousins isn’t very popular and in most cases is viewed as a serious taboo. Anybody who can sleep with his or her first cousin is seen to be capable of sleeping with his or her own brother or sister.

It is therefore important before you both go further than you have done already, you find out about the customs of your people to avoid the social and cultural implication of two first cousins sleeping together. For all I know, both of you could be engaged in an incestuous relationship, one capable of causing both of you spiritual problems both now as well as in the future.

If the custom of your people forbid it, in the interest of both of you, discontinue the relationship immediately and go for deliverance in the church.

When two people forbidden by the closeness of blood ties engage in a sexual relationship so many things do go wrong in their lives. It is a spiritual thing and curse. Such people, no matter how much they pretend all is well are never happy in the choice they made.

All religious laws have rules governing them and the law of incest as well as its implication is very clear. Those who have scorned the implications of these laws on the altar of love and self-righteousness are living lives of acute regret because it incest carries with it dangerous spiritual consequences beyond human comprehension.

The so-called love you think you share now will, after a while, be unable to withstand the combined scorn of the people and religious structures. This is one battle even God will not fight on your behalf so why go into something that will make you an all round outcast? An issue you cannot even approach God on for His intervention?

Love is meant to create happiness and not harbinger of regrets and sorrows. Of what use would this love be if it robs you and your man the right of free association and free worship? Condemns your children to a life of social doom even before they are born? What explanation would you give then for people discriminating against them or the stigma your own parents would suffer if the whole thing becomes public knowledge?

There is something called falling in love with responsibility. There is no way you can afford to be irresponsible with your feelings or insensitive to laid down norms and expect to be happy in such an arrangement.

When people pretend others don’t matter, they get treated too as inconsequential. There is no winning a lone war with the vast majority. Besides, of what use is a relationship you cannot openly admit to? Deep down, do you feel right about this? Can you publicly declare to people around you that your lover is your first cousin?

Most times, the illegal things are the things the body and mind crave for the most. You both think you are in love now because it is still a secret to the world. Once the knowledge becomes public, do you think it can stand the test of time?

Furthermore, it was very hasty for both of you to have gone the length you both did knowing the stiff opposition ahead once people know. If indeed your love were true and honest, you both would have thought of your individual parents as well as the larger family at the point you decided to make love.

That you didn’t think of those whose interests and lives would be affected by your decisions; shows both selfishness and recklessness.

It is in your joint interests you make public your relationship from this early stage to give you and your families the opportunity of addressing all attendant issues before pregnancy occurs or something more disastrous. It is also imperative you seek the face of God in this matter while you still have the chance to make amends.

Good luck.

Her Incessant Nagging Endangers Our Wedding Plan

Dear Agatha,

I am 33 in a relationship with a 28-year old lady. We are both in love and have taken the decision to spend the rest of our lives together, a decision that will be formalised within the next year.

Sadly there hasn’t been any week since we started courting that she hasn’t picked quarrel with me over one issue or the other. And most of the time she is always in the wrong but I still make the effort for peace to reign.

Agatha, I am not cut out for this. I desire to have a home where I will long to come to after work, not a house that has a woman who takes delight in nagging at every opportunity and is very stubborn too.

Though, am not perfect but at her age, I expect her to be able to overlook certain things and move on with life. It seems she simply enjoys nagging and making it obvious to everyone that is around her that she finds everything wrong.

I am thinking of changing my mind because I can't stand nagging of any kind.

Ayo.

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Dear Ayo,

I understand your situation and the attendant fear of making the wrong choice. There is nothing as irritating and bothersome as having a partner who nags at everything and is insensitive to the feelings of the other party.

Marriage is a journey of a lifetime, one that has no place for mistakes and sentimental decisions. Although founded on sentiments, it is entrenched by objectivity and realistic options of the situation at hand.

There is no way you can ever be happy if your choice gives you nothing but trouble.

If she has consistently picked quarrel with you at every given opportunity, then it shows a flaw in your relationship. This must be properly addressed if you hope to go far in your marriage.

What makes a home isn’t the structure or the quality of the décor, but the peace that envelops the place. Anywhere can be a house but not all houses are homes. If you seek a home, be careful whom you bring into it to share your space.

Solving issues like this takes time and patience. Being completely different persons, from dissimilar homes and cultural orientations, your views of life would expectedly differ unless both of you put a lot of efforts at working on your differences.

A lot of the time we are reflections of our family background. What type of home did she grow up in? What type of woman was or is her mother? Chances are if she grew up in a home where the woman of the house nagged and complained about virtually everything, she would take her cue from her. To understand this, take out the time to investigate her mother by asking her pointed question about her childhood days. It would also help you a lot to ask people she grew up with leading questions about your fiancée’s mother.

Although this information would not change her immediately but it would arm you with the knowledge of how to tackle the issue on the premise you are still interested in keeping the relationship.

Electing to change her would require you to ask how she felt all those years when her mother nagged her father or them over very mundane issues.

This is an issue where going physical or anger isn’t a panacea. What would work is using the memory of the past to create guilty and awareness of the likely consequences of what is most likely to happen if she continues in her current attitude. Without you spelling it out to her, her memories once tuned to the old channel of her youth would remember all the many times she wished she had another mother, how her mother’s attitude negatively influenced some aspects of her wrongly, which till date she doesn’t like.

Recalling the past would help her in more ways than anything you do, appreciate the harm she is doing to her own life and relationship with you. Only fools would want to live life through the negative examples of others.

This method would help her confront the reality of the negative training her mother impacted on her without you saying a word for or against it.

This way, you help send her back to the school of morals and ideal conducts without either of you fighting over the matter or exchanging hurtful words. The past holds a strong answer and lessons to our future. For the discerning mind, the past if properly deployed often points us into the right direction because it comes with heavy experiences.

She may not instantly be reformed but I bet you over time, she would stop nagging for fear of having a negative home or unhappy husband like hers while growing up.

We need help to change and sustain our zeal to do what is right. This means you must also hear from her why she thinks nagging can change things when a simple ‘please’ would have been wonderful.

Again, you have to show her the way by your example of courtesy. If you have any reason to disagree with her, give her the benefit of courteous approach as opposed to her rude attitude. Life is a big school of different faculties and departments. Its courses can never be exhausted in a lifetime. There are always different ways of doing the same thing. One of the cures to her problem is to expose her to another way of making known her displeasure. If she gets it right, nobody would notice she complains. You notice because she is crude and rude about it. If she were nice about her complaints chances are you would have done things her way before realising it.

As patiently as you can, sit her down to discuss your observations, feelings, regrets and wishes with her over her constant nagging as well as the fear it is generating inside of you. Tell her that one thing love cannot endure is nagging and for your sanity you might be forced to give up your love to have peace in your life.

Even the Bible warns against a woman who nags and since this is the only time you both have to work on the problem, don’t be afraid to say precisely what you mean. It is the only way you both can be happy.

Good luck

Show Me Right Way To Love

Dear Agatha,

Please tell me how to love my boyfriend; I do not feel anything but I want to because he is nice, and I don’t want to hurt him.

Edith.

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Dear Edith,

There is no faking true love. It is either you have it or not and no matter how much you seek to protect this man from being hurt now, you will eventually hurt him more when he finds out that he has been wasting his time with you.

The danger of this is; he would hate you for playing him for a fool. Even though love is an emotional thing, when treated with too much sentiment, it causes pains and setbacks. It will get to a point, you will no longer be able to carry on with the pretences especially if you eventually fall in love with someone else. It is a natural thing for one to gravitate towards a fond heart. By the time you discover yourself in love with another person, your true feeling for him would unmask itself making it obvious to him that there was no time you ever felt the things he did for you. Then it would appear as if you jilted him for a new lover.

The best you can do for this man is to be honest with him so he can move on with other things.

Tell him you wished you could work up the right feelings for him because of his nice nature. Assure him that there is nothing wrong with him just that when it comes to the issue of love, who one falls in love with cannot be helped.

This way, you both would be able to retain your friendship.

Good luck.

What’s Sweet Relationship Formula

Dear Agatha,

My question is this; what are the various ways of developing emotional stabilities, maturity needed for the sustainability of a successful relationship?

Knowing Man.

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Dear Knowing Man,

The starting point of any successful relationship is to begin with your own self. Every person must first develop a self-relationship with him or herself before approaching or accepting a relationship from another person.

This is based on the old time rule that what you don’t have, you cannot give. If you don’t understand the basic fact that we all come with defects from the factory of the Almighty God, it would be difficult to understand and accommodate the shortcomings of another person. Each time we criticise anyone of making a mistake, we indirectly criticise our own faults because every mistake we notice in others are reflections of our imperfections.

Therefore for a relationship to prosper, we must learn to be very understanding and tolerant of each other. Rather than criticise mistakes in others, we should learn how to help the person improve on his or strong points since each of us also comes with a uniqueness hard to replicate in another person.

The secret of life and successful relationship is to take the extra time out to discover our mate’s strongest point. This takes devotion and understanding to achieve. Without a conscious effort to invest time and devotion to a relationship, nothing meaningful can be achieved overnight.

One must always put his or her mate’s feelings first before every other thing. This is not negotiable being in love is like living in our mate’s body. Since, we cannot ignore our own needs, feelings and comfort; so must we also prioritise the needs and interests of our mates at all times.

To achieve this, a strong two- way line of communication must be opened. Both parties must have access to discuss and dialogue with the other as freely as possible. A situation in which only one person does all the talking, and the other, all the listening, only serves to destroy a relationship because the one who is doing all the listening will either get tired and quit or withdraw into the shell expressing little or no interest in the relationship. When this occurs, it is the relationship or marriage that suffers depreciation.

Importantly, the couple should at all time premise their relationship on friendship founded on trust and loyalty. When a couple exposes a relationship to suspicions, nagging and undue stress, the relationship becomes foggy and consuming.

Whenever a confusing situation arises, it is essential both parties come together and discuss it as friends. Besides, when couples begin as lovers, it destroys their ability to think straight as well objectively. At the onset of a relationship sex is a liability rather than an asset. Sex only becomes an asset after marriage.

Furthermore, a sexless relationship allows the couple to build firmly on the vitals such as devotion to each other. It is from friendship that tolerance, care, loyalty, patience, sacrifice and forgiveness all come from. When a couple is able to tolerate each other and develop the patience needed to look beyond the physical attribute of each other to the special gift embedded inside the person, even when a disagreement occurs, that special thing makes it impossible for them to go their different ways because they each see in the other complementary qualities.

Being a man, you must also develop the ability to ignore and exercise restraints in dealing with a woman. Most women are given to action before thinking. A woman would have spoken her mind or opinion on something before she has the time to think of the implications of her action. A man who lacks maturity or the understanding to manage a woman will find himself constantly provoked into physical action by a woman’s attitude.

Being the head of the home, you should always bear in mind that most women have the ability to stir a man into anger within seconds hence for the sake of peace and healthy relationship must develop the necessary defence to ignore an angry or nagging woman.

One of such ways is simply to retire to bed, if you have the extra shock absorbers to fence off her verbal attack or to quietly leave the house until her anger abates. When a man is able to conquer the temper of a woman without lifting a finger against her, he wins for himself respect from her as well as instill some level of discipline in the affairs of his home.

Above all, both parties should learn to be respectful of their different positions and responsible for each other.

Good luck.

My Mother Is Barely Dead, Father Wants To Remarry

Dear Agatha,

I am a married 38-years-old, who is worried about the decision of my father to remarry well into his 60s, and this, barely three years after my mother died.

My father’s new bride is in her 40s, with children from a previous marriage.

My father is a chronic womaniser, a reason I don’t agree with him. He didn’t just acquire his predilection for philandering, or after the death of my mother. Rather, it is something my siblings and I grew up to know about him.

Though caring, his womanising is legendary, to the extent that his antics with women were brought close to us, the children.

My mother used to cry about the situation; but endured this habit for our sakes, which is why I still can’t understand why she died when she did. She died at the time she ought to be enjoying the fruits of her patience and endurance with a man who obviously lacks respect for her feelings.

Now, he wants to bring a strange woman into the house, someone who could be after his money, or looking for someone to foist the burden of her life on. Although I have not met the woman, I am not interested in doing so. I found it difficult to understand why my father needs a woman at his age, when he has cooks and servants to do his bidding.

Had he been more disciplined, perhaps, my mother would still have been alive, enjoying the dividends of her marital life. So, why should my father now share his life with another woman, whom I suspect may have been in his life all these while?

I need your help. A lot of his friends think I am being unreasonable in my oppositions to his desire remarry, but how can I accept another woman in my mother’s place?

Agatha, how can I forget that it should have been my mother enjoying by my father’s side? And how do I get him to stop this woman from bringing her children into my father’s house or benefiting from his resources? I am of the opinion that everything he has belongs to us, and that this woman must not be allowed to enjoy from the labour of another person. What do you think?

Olajide.

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Dear Olajide,

You sound very selfish and unreasonable. Being married yourself, you, more than anyone else, should understand the essence of having someone special to share your life with.

Even though your father started out with your mother and may have made all the mistakes in the world, your mother loved him enough to have put up with him and his excesses.

She must have derived a lot of happiness from their wedlock to choose to make the choice she made. Not even for the sake of the children would a woman endure abject pains and humiliations.

If her years with your father were that terrible, do you think she would have put up with him for almost 35 years, given the fact that you are now 38, three years after she died?

Do you think your mother would be happy wherever she is that your father is lonely and helpless in the hands of all the women he is in contact with? Which would be best for you all, having another wife to care for him or being left to the devices of his numerous girlfriends?

Your father may have made all the mistakes in the world, but he is at an age where he direly needs the companionship of a woman. You and your siblings are all probably out of his nest, growing your own families. He is alone and lonely. No matter how much you try, the void created by the death of your mother can never be filled; only the love of another woman can prolong his life and help him get over the pains of losing someone he shared the best part of his life with.

That he is re-marrying doesn’t mean he has forgotten your mother or would this woman, who is soon to become your stepmother, ever be able to erase the memories of your mother from his heart. Your mother’s place in his life and heart can never be voided. Remember that your mother is his first love, and would remain so until he dies.

His choice to marry this woman must have been influenced by some special qualities similar to that of your late mother. If he is indeed a legendary womaniser as you have described him, I am not sure he would have waited for three years before contemplating marriage again.

That you have not met this woman shows that she may be a recent development, and not one of the many women who may have graced his bed while your mother was alive. Waiting for three years shows that the exit of your mother must have affected him more than you all give him credit for.

Before this woman was your mother, she was his friend, confidant and wife. The impact of her death won’t affect you as deeply as it is affecting him. You lost a mother but you now have a family to help you get over her memories. He has nobody you, the children, are busy with your families, careers and individual lives, to bother with his own feelings and welfare.

Surely, you cannot deny an old man his right to happiness and peace on account of bitterness on your path?

Yes, you have every right to be angry or hate the woman who is coming to share part of his life now, but fairness demands you give her a chance to prove herself.

That she is divorced doesn’t make her a gold-digger who is after your father’s wealth. It is a general assumption that may not apply in this case. It isn’t fair to label her before giving you and her chance to meet.

You may discover to your shame that she is a woman capable of taking care of her children without the help of your father. At any rate, the decision to help out with her children is your father’s, not yours.

That your father is soliciting the understanding of his children in this matter is because he loves and respects you all; otherwise, he doesn’t, because it is his life and happiness that is involved.

No servant can give him the type of care a woman he marries would give him. He isn’t stupid to have chosen to settle down with this woman among the many he has in his life. To have settled for her means he sees what you and your siblings are not seeing. He is an old man with solid experiences on his side.

You cannot love him more than he loves himself, and at his age, he has gone past the point of sentiments to the stage of cold reality. Only experience can make a man look beyond love to essentials.

Show him the same respect he has accorded you all, else, if he marries this woman without your supports, you all risk sending him to an early grave with your infightings and scheming.

If you are now accusing him of being responsible for the death of your mother, don’t let other people accuse you of being responsible for his death too.

On the issue of this woman’s children coming to live in your father’s house, it is something you cannot avoid, but remember, they have been staying somewhere before now, and might actually be reluctant to move from where they are.

To assume they would automatically move to your father’s house is pompous, because for all you know, their father may be richer than yours.

That this woman is divorced doesn’t make her a failure or gold-digger. Being married yourself, you must know that marriage is never a smooth journey and that some people get to a stage where the option left to them is divorce.

That your marriage is succeeding is a grace of God and not because you are doing something different from those who made the choice to end it all. Leave the choice of who your father shares his wealth with to him; after all, he is the one who made the money in the first place. Importantly, help pray your father into making the right decision. If he is happy, it would lessen the amount of emergency trips you have to make to his house or the worries you will do about his well-being. It would be the woman’s burden not yours anymore.

Besides, life can be very lonely when there is no one to share it with, which is why the church and society lend their support to remarriage, when there is a vacuum created by either death or wrong choice.

Good luck.

Nigerian Girls Lacking In Active Sexual Expression

Dear Agatha,

I stumbled on your column while surfing for some materials at work and decided to confide my problems to someone with your understanding.

It is an impulsive action I feel would bring a sort of relief to me. I am in my 30s and married, so it isn’t as if I am not well positioned. However, there is this personal thing I’m unable to have due to the primary reason that Nigerians generally hide in the shadow of culture and the likes to shy away from the reality of their environment.

How do you explain my situation? I love my wife dearly and willing to do anything to make her happy but I have a very high libido she alone cannot satisfy. I am more romantic than she is, and Agatha, you know men like to be pampered especially in the bedroom. Unfortunately, Nigerian ladies are very shy and pretentious about issues like this.

Forget all the marriage sentiments for now. What I need is an equally matured woman in my shoes as a very good friend to help douse each other’s tension. So why are Nigerian ladies so pretentious, always pretending about what they really want?

Unsatisfied Husband.

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Dear Unsatisfied Husband,

If you really love your wife as you claim, why haven’t you taught her to make love all the ways that make you happy? The essence of two people coming together under the platform of marriage is to help each other improve on whatever areas they are deficient.

A good man would give unconditionally to his wife so also is a good woman. That your wife is unable to satisfy you means you are a selfish and lousy lover, one who is more concerned about his needs than the need of the two of you. Like you, she may be feeling very unsatisfied with the quality of sex you are both having but due to respect for
your person and sense of responsibility to the marriage decided to endure the situation despite her personal displeasures. How would you feel if this woman goes outside your home to have a piece of the action elsewhere? How will it sound if the person from whom she seeks the fun is another married man?

Sincerely, whether you want to hear it or not, you are the one with the problem here. A good man, whose feelings and concern for his wife are genuine, would first discuss his feelings and thoughts with the wife and thereafter seek ways within the marriage on how to resolve the issue.

No matter how pretentious a woman is that would be ready to lose her home to another woman on account of her inability to satisfy her man in bed. Love goes with respect and responsibility. There is no way you can claim to love your wife without the concomitant respect or responsibility that go with it.

What you should do is to sit her down and talk to her. Let her tell you about her sexual inhibitions and the areas of deficiency you noticed. Between the two of you, you can establish a patent for your sex life, one that would give your marriage a pep and constant freshness.

The woman you are looking for may end up not better than your wife but because she is a fresh face, you think her better than your wife. Just as another man may consider your wife better than his. Nobody is ever satisfied with what he or she has until it is too late in the day.

Rather than embark on a mission guaranteed to destroy your definition of happiness with your wife, help yourself make your marriage happier and more fulfilling. Knowing what you think of her sexual performance will energise her into accepting whatever suggestions you make in that direction. It will stop any argument if she has been doing so whenever you make a suggestion.

If women are pretentious, it is only because the men encourage them to be. Chances are your wife may have more ideas about this game than you do but is scared about what you would think of her if she goes full scale. Some men prefer to think their wives inexperienced in the bedroom than have her display all her acts. This way they convince themselves she has not slept with all the men in the world to acquire that experience whereas her experience may not come from sleeping around but paying attentions to details of the game.

Women would be more honest about their past history if men learn not to play the ostrich and also jettison their inhibitions about women who have no qualms expressing themselves. A lot of the time, the attitude of men pushes women into pretending to be novice in the bedrooms simply to massage the man’s ego and make him believe he is charge.

Rather than source for fulfillment in the hands of another woman, pull your wife out of her reserve. Give her the room to be the woman she has always wanted to be in the bedroom. Make her your prostitute you both have the licence to do as you please.

A lot of the time, the difference between failure and success lies in our imagination and determination to give life to what we want. All the cravings and lustful fantasies that are driving you to seek the company of another woman, invest them all in your wife.

The truth is that when men complain about the participation of women in the bedroom, it paints a picture of an unsure and unimaginative lover. There is no woman an imaginative lover cannot lure out of her shell. What you should do is to investigate the exotic spots of your woman. Begin from her scalp to her sole. When you touch a very sensitive spot, you would know by her cry of excitement. There is no controlling these things they are natural reactions. All you need is patience to help her know even her body.

Admittedly, not many women have intimate relationships with their bodies. This is mainly due to the fact that our culture wraps sex and all issues that have to do with it in very dark blanket just as any attempt by any young man or woman to peep, to have information, to know why certain things happen to them is met with very strong moral sanctions.

The implication is that many young women especially grown-up with little or no knowledge of how to please a man sexually beyond having sex with him. This has contributed to the collapse of many marriages as men whose sexual organs are placed outside their bodies are ably assisted by their sights and imagination to get quick arousal at very short notices whereas a woman’s arousal is dependent on how much stimulations she gets from her man which in turn makes the difference in her sexual performance.

But, like I earlier pointed out, it takes a patient and understanding man to turn things around for a woman in the bedroom. If you go into whatever relationship you are looking for with the same docile attitude, it is the same frustrating results you would get.

Besides, what is most important to you? A peaceful home or good but illegal sex that will destroy the peace you now have in the house? Sex is important but not the only basis people marry. You can have a woman scores 101 percent in sex but minus zero in all the important features that make a happy home. No marriage is ever complete, but the ability of couples to work on the differences that matters.

There are some men who would give the world to have your kind of wife, one, they have confidence in, who gives them a peaceful environment to grow and realise their potentials as men and heads of home.

And if you don’t want another man to sleep with your wife, don’t do it with another man’s wife. Nemesis is a painful word and experience.

Good luck.

How Do I Remedy My Weak Organ?

Dear Agatha,

I must first commend you on the succour you have been providing to millions of lives through your column, may the Almighty endow you with more grace, wisdom and knowledge.

I am 25 years of age. My problem started about a year ago, when my girlfriend visited me during her holidays and I tried to make love to her but to my greatest surprise and embarrassment, I could not keep my erection sufficiently for us to make love. Despite everything she did to help me, it was an effort in futility. I also noticed that I discharged without having actual intercourse with her. Since then the problem has persisted.

Please what kind of medications should I take to correct this dysfunction or can my problem be attributed to an infection, if yes what test do I undergone to diagnose such and how can it be best treated? Please, I so much need your advice.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

Like I keep reminding all readers of this column that I am not a medical doctor hence lack the medical knowledge required to help you solve this problem.

Go immediately to see a medical doctor, not a chemist or any of the many quacks in town. Go to a government hospital where you have qualified and competent doctors who know what they are doing. They are in the best position to tell you what is wrong and recommend the right treatment for you.

A year is a long time to keep such an issue under wrap. Most times a lot of damage is done to our medical situation when we delay to see a doctor or patronise quacks. The wise thing would have been for you to see a doctor the moment you noticed the problem.

Good luck.

Fetish, Lecherous, Yet He Plans War If I Go

Dear Agatha,

Thanks for being there for us. I have been married for 18 years to a man I can best describe as a beast. He uses every opportunity to beat and maltreat me. He deprives me of sex while he is so generous with other women. There is no friend of mine he has not slept with a situation that made me jettisoned all my female friends.

I have also learnt to keep my female relations out of my home after he almost succeeded in forcing my younger sister to bed.

Severally I have tried to leave him but all to no avail. The first time he sent his thugs to drag me home and the last time I tried, he used charm on me.

The charm I later discovered was to ensure that any man who sleeps with me beside him would die. This is not fair considering the fact that he hasn’t been to my bed in the last three years. I refused him any contact with me after he tried to make love with me while charms were tied around his waist. That day he gave me the beating of my life. It was at that point I decided to end the marriage.

The issue is how do I get him to remove the charm from my body since I am ready to leave him for good to settle down with someone else?

Besides being cruel, he is very fetish. He has threatened to eliminate me and to inflict the children with strange illness if I leave him or take them away by force.

Agatha, the issue is that I am fed up. But how do I do it without putting the health of my children at risk?

Bose.

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Dear Bose,

Besides what you have said, what are the other issues involved in your marriage which makes it a dead end for you? What went wrong with the whole process to make it this bitter and unbearable for you?

If you are accusing him of being fetish, is it that you didn’t know from the onset? That you were unaware of his passion for the occult? What have you done as his wife to change him for the best? What efforts have you put in terms of prayer to get him off the habit? While a woman can claim she didn’t know from the beginning that her man is an armed robber, a womaniser, liar or a dupe, she cannot claim ignorance of her man being fetish. Charm is something those involved in it do with impunity. Along the line, you must have found objects, which point to his religious preferences despite what he claims to be to others. A man who would tie charms around his waist certainly didn’t begin it today. From the beginning he would have manifested his passion for charms, which you elected to ignore then. For the purpose of the argument, what words of God did you offer him to show him the right path to? He could really be doing what he is doing out of ignorance.

At what point in your 18 years of togetherness did the beating start and also the womanising? Did he start out cruel and unmindful of your feelings? When he tried to sleep with your sister, did you tell anyone in the family? I ask these questions because if you kept all these to yourself, it would be difficult for an observer not to blame your desire to end the marriage on your newfound love.

Only a liar would tell you that his or her marriage isn’t without challenges, the difference is the effort and determination people put into making it work in spite of the odds that colour the canvass.

For some of us, the hues are so dark and indefinite that they blind us to the possibilities of an amicable settlement.

Granted the picture you painted evokes sympathy in your favour but look inwards, what did you fail to do, that could have made the differences?

You see it is always all right for us to blame others for a situation we helped to perpetuate. Without mincing words, you are part of the mess your marriage has become because as a woman, you have what it takes to bring your influence to bear on your husband. You don’t have to nag or fight to get your way, a wise woman knows when to use her knees to fight her battle.

That you have found someone to marry you even before leaving his house shows you are as guilty as he is and that in some parts, he has reasons to do what he has done to you. His reactions may come from your disloyalty to him, a possible reason for his ruthlessness to you.

He is only using what he knows and has to protect what is his. Sincerely, nobody can blame this man for wanting to protect what is officially his right. That he is sleeping around doesn’t make it right for you to sleep around with a man.

You have every right to leave him on account of this but to engage in affairs of your own while still in his house packages you as a cheap and morally bankrupt woman, who has little respect for both her husband and the dignity for her body.

Whosoever this other man is, there is no way he would ever give you your full respect, given the fact that he knows about your loose morals as well as your lack of respect for the marriage institution. It would take a miracle for the man to have you for keeps. Besides, any man who dates a married woman is lacking in respect for himself as well as showcases the contempt at which he holds the sacredness of the institution. You can bet it, after a while he would get tired of you and move on to a woman with little responsibility. He doesn’t love you but the lack of responsibility your marital status offers him. Once you vacate the marriage, he would flee because of the responsibility that comes with new status as a free woman.

Like you said, if the marriage has depreciated to an all time low level, the best you can do is to quit. Let him threaten you; give it up instead of having affairs under his roof. This is very provocative and capable of making the sanest man do something violent.

A married woman is supposed to guard jealously her nakedness from another man because her body is the pride of her husband. Allowing another man see her body while still married destroys the self-esteem and pride of her man.

The ideal thing for you to do is to call a meeting of your family as well as his if surely you both cannot leave together again to intimate them of your decision. There is no way he would beat you in front of everybody. Let them know too about the threat on your children as well as the charm he has laced you with.

Once a couple has gotten to that point, when reason takes permanent leave of the marriage, it is best they go their different ways to protect the dignity of the marriage institution.

Telling your parents and his about the charm would force him to remove whatever fetish thing he has laced your body with and remove the frightening threat on his children.

But do take your time before rushing into something new because you may find out after you have left him that you still have feelings for him. Waiting would make you sure of your feelings.

Good luck.

Doubting Her True Love Despite My Craze For Her

Dear Agatha,

I am very grateful for the advice given to many people out there including me.

I am a young man of 28 years old in love with a girl of about 22. I have tried all my best to make her realise how much I love her.

She actually knows how much I love her. Her mother and siblings are aware of how much she means to me and are all looking forward to our getting married.

Though she claims to love me, I still feel she doesn’t love me as a man but only as a friend. She hardly calls me on phone, never sends me text messages or does anything to show she cares. Although I have been exercising patience with her for some time, believing I am exhibiting an essential ingredient of a true love and also believing that one day she will begin to appreciate my kind gestures. But I am beginning to have cold heart towards her, suspecting she might have someone else that she loves more than me. Please advice me on how best to handle this situation.

Ug.

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Dear Ug,

If you suspect she isn’t in love with you, let go. It is best to insure yourself against future pains than give in to sentiments that will in the long run leave you more devastated than you ever imagine.

Love is something you cannot force on anybody. The ideal thing is to confront her with your suspicions and to demand she tells you the truth irrespective of how much the truth would hurt you. Let her understand she isn’t doing you or herself any favour by pretending to feel something which she doesn’t feel, the earlier she tell you the truth, the best for everyone concerned.

One issue that could make her apprehensive about telling you the entire truth is her family’s disposition. She may not want to risk the displeasure of her family, which is why she is still pretending to be interested in you.

You will only get honest answers from her if you make her understand that you are not desperate to keep her against her will. A little assurance from you will get her to tell you everything you need to know including the bit about your suspicions of her having another man in her life.

No matter how much you love this woman, tolerated her excesses, if she isn’t interested in you as the right man for her, your efforts will be futile.

Good luck.