Is Love Meaningful Without Sex?

Dear Agatha,

I am 28 years of age, a fresh graduate and currently working temporarily with a company at Awka pending when I would go for the compulsory national youth service.

My problem is, in all the relationships I have had so far, I had always invested more in procuring happiness for the girls I date.

On my part, I have never tried having sex with any of them or benefited in other ways from these relationships because I am of the view that they have nothing to give me.

My question is, since I am not the type that demands sex, what is the essence of going into a relationship with a girl? To be frank with you, this particular issue has started creating a cold spirit in me about women generally.

Secondly, is it wise for me at my age to start searching for a life partner or a relationship that may lead to marriage particularly as my three elderly brothers are still unmarried?

Ugo.

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Dear Ugo,

Sex is not the only reason we go into relationships. As a matter of fact when starting a relationship, sex is the least important in that it doesn’t add value to the initial foundation of a relationship. When a relationship is premised on sex, it ends up very deficient in the other important qualities needed to make it work well.

Premature sex blinds a couple to fundamental issues staring them in the relationship. This is because most times, dating couples use sex to mask problems they ordinarily have nipped in the bud due to fear of losing the intimacy and fulfillment sex gives.

Oftentimes, the ignored problems turn out to be the nightmare of the relationship. For the young couple, sex is too powerful to manage with the effective growth of a relationship. This is why the young have formed the habit of migrating from one relationship to another with the hope of finding better sex than with the previous partner. For most young persons, especially women, the focus only changes from sex to marriage as the clock ticks away.

This becomes a problem later because all the years that would have gone into preparations are spent in the bedroom on an event that lacks the power to steady a relationship at the end of the day.

This is not to say sex isn’t important but at the initial stage of a relationship, it isn’t as important as studying the character of your partner and knowing your limitations as human beings.

Every relationship should ideally go through all the stages before it peaks at sex. It should have a primary, secondary as well as the tertiary stages. The tertiary stage is the one that leads to marriage, the time when sex becomes the icing on the cake.

The essence of you going into a relationship now is to provide you with the opportunity of knowing who you intend spending the rest of your life with vis-à-vis your outlook to life, temperament, attitude as well as values.

Coming from different families, there is no disputing the fact you each come with different ideologies, values, customs as well as attitudes. Being humans, there is no way you can have the same temperaments or solutions to an issue. These things take time to arrive at a consensus that would be agreeable to both of you.

Having lived with your habits for long, giving them up would naturally not come easy hence the sense in having a relationship. It is to allow the marriage the freedom to grow along the line of understanding. With the massive responsibilities marriage confers on the couple coupled with the expectation of starting a family, only few marriages can survive the encumbrances of learning the first ropes.

This is the stage many marriages collapse even before their first anniversary. Having a relationship takes the strain off leaving couples with less complication to tackle in the early days of marriage.

It also gives dating couple enough time to make and perfect their plans for the future. Time is always of essence in any relationship.

Once couples fritter away precious time, getting the opportunity of that time to make their dreams come true may never again present itself especially if they have gone into marriage.

In addition to this, comes the all important opportunity of being good friends. Marriage makes lovers of couples but relationship makes them friends.

You must have enough time to be your partner’s friend, confidant, helper, supporter, cheerleader, think-tank, companion before marriage sets in. These are the emotions that are integral to marital success, than give optimum enjoyment as well as satisfaction to the important issue of why people marry. Marriage is more of companionship than anything else and if unfortunate to pick a mate who fails to give joy, peace and support at home, it becomes difficult for any meaningful development or achievement to be recorded in such home. This puts a great impediment in the spiritual, emotional and psychological growth of the union leaving it an empty shell.

At 28, you need all the time in the world to plan for your happiness, to chart the course of the flow of that happiness, to navigate your ways out of the many mistakes you have seen in your parents, relatives and friends’ marriages.

You and your brothers don’t have the same destinies. They have their reasons for still being single. You have your life to live just as they have theirs to live. If you are ready before them, there is no reason you shouldn’t get married. However, you still have some few years to be ready.

It is always advisable for a man to put certain structures in place before thinking of bringing in a woman permanently into his life.

Good Luck.

Lonely Heart

Dear Agatha,

I have been trying to ask this question: Can a man of my age, 20 years, find a girl that will love him genuinely and truly without sex.

I believe in total abstinence and faithfulness to one’s the partner. I have been wondering and asking if I can find a girl that holds this belief without compromising her stand.

I want to use this medium to call upon our beloved future leaders to please zip up for a better tomorrow.

Agatha, please link me with a girl that holds this belief. I am truly looking for a girl to build a long and lovely friendship.

My email address is (eelohims@yahoo.com)

I will be grateful if you can help me.

My Wife Refused Me Sex For Five Months

Dear Agatha,

Are there any medical implications for a married man especially spiritual, whose wife refused him sex for up to five months?

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

Why is your wife refusing to make love with you? Has she a medical condition? Has she recently gone through a very difficult labour, cesarean section or any major operation? Did she contact any sexually transmitted disease from you? Are you two going through a difficult period in your marriage?

The issue is not about you having any medical condition over her refusal to make love with you but clearing whatever may have caused the dislocation in your union.

Whatever may have necessitated a married woman to deny her husband her body for up to five months must be major to warrant the risk of putting her entire marriage on the line.

The spiritual implication would not come from her refusal but the issues that led to the present sexual impasse between the two of you. It also comes from unfair resolution of issues between a man and woman.

Did you cheat on her? What led to her decision not to share her body with you? There is no way she would have had the guts to embark on such a decision if things were normal between the two of you or she didn’t have a good enough medical reason.

If her reasons are medical, they would soon pass. All you have to do is to give her all the support she needs to heal properly. Ensure she keeps faithfully to her appointments with the doctor to help her heal in the right places.

Putting her under the pressure of sex may have adverse effect on her, a situation that could affect her future health as well as sexual relationship with you.

No spiritual consequences ever come from a woman refusing to have sex with her husband if necessitated on legitimate grounds. If there are any spiritual implications, it would be on the partner refusing to keep his or her side of the marital bargain. If your wife is deliberately leaving you in the cold for no just reason, she is the one that would suffer any consequences that come from such denial, not you.

But if her reason has anything to do with something terrible you may have done, like contacting a disease that originates from you having an extra marital affair. It would be difficult for such a woman to willingly submit to your advances until you assure her she that you won’t be having extended sex with all the other women you are involved with.

Even if the disease has been treated, assurances must be given her that her life isn’t at risk anytime she opens herself up to you and she is protected by you from every danger unfaithful men expose their women to.

Really, if this is the case, you need to beg for her forgiveness because almost all the sexually transmitted diseases can cause infertility in women if not detected early. Being married and having only her man in her life, a woman who has been infected by her husband may never find out her medical condition until it is too late.

Such is the high risk of danger unfaithful men put their wives through. Women who find themselves battling unavoidable medical condition occasioned by their husband’s unfaithfulness naturally feel bitter as well as resentful hence, may say one or two things in anger against their husbands, which often times causes the men inexplicable problems.

If this is what gave birth to the challenge between you and your woman, the right thing is for you to beg for her forgiveness to neutralise whatever spiritual problems she may have brought upon you.

Whatever the challenge is between the two of you, the marriage creed demands that you both discuss it.

Sex is a very important component of marriage. Without it, a lot of things go wrong in the marriage and between the couple. Apart from the purpose of procreation, it allows the couple to bond in friendship as well as spiritual harmony. Take it away, the couple loses one of the vital tools of communication within the framework of marriage because sex helps a couple to establish its peculiar form of communication unknown to a third party. This is why you and your wife must do everything humanly possible not to allow whatever may have brought about this situation to persist.

Your wife, outside health reasons has no right to withhold the pleasure of her body from you. Her decision isn’t a solution instead, it would complicate things between the two of you. This is what you should let her know. The danger of holding herself from you for too long is pushing you into the waiting hands of another woman. Five months is a long time for a married couple, who live together, who don’t have a medical problem to tackle not to have sex. Whatever her reasons, let her know she has punished you enough especially as her act would not undo the events of the past.

It is not just spiritual complications sex brings, it also causes emotional as well as physical disabilities within the home.

Be honest with each other. Discuss with dispassion whatever may have caused this problem and apportion appropriately the blame. If you are wrong, ask for forgiveness and support not to hurt her again.

Her continued stubbornness to hold on to her decision may have something to do with the way you responded or treated the issues that brought about this stalemate in your relationship. A change in your attitude could be all she is waiting for to resume her role as wife.

Due to the volatile nature and implication to your marriage of this issue, it might be necessary to involve your spiritual leader if she continues to hoard her body from you.

The essence of telling and inviting a third party is to help her especially talk about those things she can’t discuss with you. Also, to be told by the intervening person about the dangers her pains won’t let her consider.

You also need prayers as well as a special relationship with God to ensure your marriage stays on track.

Good luck.

I Want To Be His Sole Girl

Dear Agatha,

There is this problem which has been bothering me. It has to do with a boy I met last year. I love him so much and equally in love with me.

When we started dating, he didn’t tell me about any other girl in his life. Instead he promised to care and love me. Hence we started dating.

I actually discovered the existence of the other girl by chance. I had gone to visit him at home when I met him and the other girl.

He later explained to me that the girl was his ex. He subsequently begged me to forgive him.

At that point, I decided to let go but he pleaded to the contrary. After a while, he instructed me not to come to his house without first placing him on notice. To avoid problems between us I accepted this instruction.

Recently, I tried calling him to inform him of my intentions to visit him but he was not responding to my calls so I decided to go all the same.

On getting to his house, I discovered he was with a girl inside the room so I decided to leave unnoticed.

The next time he came to my house professing to love me more than ever before.

I am so confused I don’t know what to do. What do you suggest I do to get his full time attention because I love him so much? Please help me out.

Worried Baby.

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Dear Worried Baby,

Isn’t it obvious this man doesn’t love you but only after what he can get from you and your body? If he cares about you, why would he insist you inform him before coming to visit him? No man who has serious plans for the woman after his heart would dare make such suggestion to her.

Telling you to call him before visiting him is a clear demonstration of his lack of respect for you or your feelings for that matter. If you are wise, forget everything about this man because he is wrong for you. He would end up hurting you more than he already has done. So far you have given him the authority to treat you shabbily. Had you protested his demand you call him before coming to his house the moment he made such a proposition, he would have gotten the message that you weren’t ready to play the fame his way. With this sort of man, you just must learn from the very beginning on how to place the right value on yourself else if by the slightest chance of destiny you end up as an item, he would continue to treat your feelings with disrespect and levity.

As far as this man is concerned, your love for him isn’t worth the piece of paper meant for the trashcan. The only person he cares about is his person. He doesn’t care if you are hurt or not provided he is able to have his cake of fun whenever he likes.

In the first place, if he has any iota of respect for you, he would have from the very beginning told you about his girlfriend as well as the unfinished business between the two of them. Meeting her at his house that day would have been a perfect opportunity for him to introduce the two of you and a subtle way of telling the other girl that he has since moved on with his life.

Allowing you to go before coming to beg for forgiveness followed with the instructions of you giving him pre-knowledge of your movement to his house underscores the value he places on your relationship.

I know that love can hurt especially if genuine on one’s part but the truth is that it takes two to tangle. This man is not just ready to tangle with you on full time basis. He is still interested in playing the field, a desire that would not only cause you emotional pains but capable of destroying your belief in love.

If you continue to expose yourself to this inconsideration on his part, it would come to a stage you would lose total confidence in the game of love. You may begin to also lose confidence in yourself leading you to raise the destructive question of his behaviour being as a result of something you have either failed to do or done.

Even if you manage to hold on to him, he would never give you the peace of mind required for you to enjoy being in a relationship with him as you would always wonder what he is up to whenever he is not with you.

Going by his behaviour he has already demonstrated his lack of need of you in his life. Allow him to sweat a bit to keep you. It is the only way you can know for certain if he is really interested in you or not. Giving in cheaply to his rule would make you the victim of this so-called affair, which from where I stand, only exists in your imagination.

Your love or confusion should not make you gloss over all the evidences of his carelessness and disrespect for your person. When next he comes to you, tell him you are no longer interested in him. Let him know what you saw and how that incident has finally helped you make up your mind about him.

The irony of this is that your love will never be enough to make this man clear up his act. He would continue at his lifestyle as long as he knows you will always be willing to put up with it. Telling you to phone him ahead was meant to gauge the extent of your limit and by accepting that gave him the confidence he needed to go ahead with his way of life.

Even if you would go back to him, give him time to think about what he wants out of life, you in particular. Take him on the condition that he is ready to change and know what he wants from life. Being firm would safe you a lot of emotional aches and pains in future.

Good luck.

How Can I Groom Her Feelings Beyond Mere Pal?

Dear Agatha,

There is this girl I met when I went to tutor at one of the coaching centres in Ado-Ekiti.

I couldn’t talk to her then because of my schedule. I had to combine the coaching job with my study. Unfortunately she left before I could make my intentions known only for her to surface in my school as one of the new students.

Since the coaching centre had already provided us with a previous meeting point, we instantly became friends until the day I told her of my feelings for her.

She turned me down insisting she only needed me as a friend in her life, nothing more. She added a little blackmail that if I really cared about her as I professed, I would allow the relationship run normal.

But my worry, being a product of a strict Christian home, she may never consider my request. What should I do to win her love because I really love her?

Friday.

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Dear Friday,

Patience and sincerity! Her final disposition towards you would come from your own attitude and understanding of what you really want from her.

Unlike the majority of girls that would be convinced to a date with you on account of your words alone, this one needs evidence of your sincerity as well as willingness to do things right.

So, you simply have to do as she says: be a good friend of hers until the trust to take the relationship to the next level is actualised.

Being from a strict Christian home, she has been inculcated with some moral values, which she must keep, and she has come to expect same thing in people especially the man she hopes to spend the rest of her life with.

There is no way she would agree to anything on face value due to this orientation. Granted that some of these ideas may sound too rigid at first but overtime, you would come to realise that they are not as overbearing, if remains the only way to get the woman you love.

What she is teaching you is to be patient and focused. She is through her attitude teaching you one of the prime lessons of life, developing the determination to follow your dream with a vision.

With every determination comes a discipline.

You can win her love by giving her unconditional support to be who she wants to be.

By giving her support in her study, and be there for her whenever she needs a shoulder to lean on, will eventually convince her that you are to be trusted. And would also put you on top of her list when she is ready to fall in love.

She has to be convinced that unlike most men your age, your interest is not in her body but her person. Whatever her parents must have told her, she needs concrete evidences that she can take you home to them and stand by the decisions she has made with the full conviction that she made a reasonable choice.

Waiting for her to be ready means you also want her for the right reason.

This means you have the opportunity to think about what you really want from her. A lot of time, we go into relationships for the wrong reasons. You may think you like her enough now but over time may discover that whatever you thought you had for her wasn’t so fantastic to make you want to keep her permanently in your life.

Becoming her friend enables you to observe her without the complications young persons usually have to deal with in their relationships these days. Once a dating couple is able to eliminate premarital sex, it gives them the chance to objectively examine the flaws and strength of their characters.

Once you and this lady are able to achieve an understanding occasioned by true friendship, if you both eventually find yourselves in a relationship, you won’t have any of the problems young couples have and even when you have any need to disagree, you will have the friendship to effortlessly overcome such differences without causing a major quake in your relationship.

Importantly you must learn to respect her views on issues that are important to her. You may not always agree with her but let her know you respect her and you are a responsible person to be with, would convince her of your love.

Good luck.

My Husband Won’t Quit His Job To Soothe Me

Dear Agatha,

I need your help urgently before I make the worst kind of mistake in my marriage. Three months ago, I discovered my husband has been unfaithful to me.

In fairness to him, he had the grace to admit to the relationship with a female colleague in his office. Following the dust I raised, he terminated the relationship. But my worry is the lady, being also a top manager like my husband in the firm, I’m afraid that both of them would soon resume the affair.

I have put pressure on my husband to resign and look for job elsewhere, he refused insisting he won’t give up a lucrative career for me or any other woman.

Following my insistence he resigns, he has stopped pleading for forgiveness and now calling me bluff. He says I am at liberty to quit the marriage if I am unsatisfied with his assurances that he won’t resume his affair with the other woman.

I love my husband and don’t want to lose him to another woman. Our marriage is three years of age and blessed with a son. On my insistence, I became full time housewife because I want to give my child and home my very best.

Now I am afraid that he is going to dump me after the sacrifices I made, giving up my own job.

Please help me because his stance is making me scared. Surely if he is as much in love with me as I am with him, wouldn’t he consider giving up this job for another one? He is connected and can get another job if he applies his mind to it? So why isn’t he considering doing this for me? Is it too difficult a thing for me to ask?

Janet.

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Dear Janet,

Granted that your husband has breached the trust you have for him by having an affair, but demanding he quits his current good job on account of your fears of him resuming the affair is untenable.

That is taking your fears and insecurity too far.

Doubtless, this affair has bored a huge hole into the foundation of your marriage, it is however not enough reason to put the marriage through additional stress that have the capacity of further driving a wedge between the two of you.

There is no damage trust, patience and tolerance cannot solve permanently. The issue here is not whether he leaves his current employment or not, but his ability to stay truthful to his promise of not betraying you again.

If you push him to leave this place, what are the assurances that he wouldn’t continue or that he won’t go into an entirely new relationship with another woman in his new place of work? Would you again insist he quits that job too?

Besides, the lady could have been someone he met in the course of his job or he gave lift to. It is just incidental that this one is his colleague. His affair could have been with just another woman outside his official workplace or the places you associate him with.

Which is why, you should look for something more tangible to hold on to rather than insisting he quits his job as prove of his love for you.

Issuing him with ultimatum would only complicate things between the two of you. This is because no man likes to be told what to do. Pushing him into resigning his job, as prerequisite of your trust would make him rebound at whatever promises he made to you.

What you should concern yourself with is how to get him back into your arms, not how to drive him further away from you. In the first place such ultimatum you gave him is sure to cause more problems between the two of you. Apart from such proposition being unreasonable, it would force him into taking decision he would ordinary not have thought of.

Even though he is the guilty party, having begged your forgiveness, he expects you to allow sleeping dogs lie, not forcing him to put his career on the line.

What do you stand to gain by insisting he leaves his job? Is that the only way, you think, he could terminate his interest in this other lady?

If you must know, your option would leave him with no choice but to fight for his ego as well as his pride as the man in the house. He may be the guilty one but it won’t stop him from telling you and everyone else he feels is behind your pressure that he is still in charge of the affairs of his home. The truth is if you push too hard, you would end up being at the receiving end of the whole development.

When a woman pushes a man to the end of his limits, he is being unwittingly given the mandate to also take extreme decisions which though, he may end up regretting but would still do them to show the woman that he cannot be dictated to.

Besides, what you are insisting as your condition for forgiveness is suicidal. You are a full-time housewife with no income of your own. You and your baby depend on the income of your husband, so how do you propose he cares for you and the baby if he is out of employment? There are several equally connected people who still don’t have jobs. Having a career you really enjoy is through the grace and mercy of God, not necessarily through connections. Granted, connection do open more opportunities for those with it but more often than not it doesn’t give the same type of spiritual satisfactions which people who really enjoy their career get.

And what makes you think a job is automatically waiting for your man to pick at his asking? And even if a vacancy comes up, would it be in the position he wants and what if someone with stronger connections bids for the same position?

You just have to be reasonable as well as learn to put the interest of your family above your own pains. Every day, women come face to face with the reality of a mistress tucked somewhere but wise women have learnt to fight from the point of weakness rather than from the position of strength.

Fighting the enemy from the position of weakness doesn’t make the wife the fool but a wise woman, who is determined to keep her home from falling into the waiting hands of the enemy. For that woman to have dated your husband, it means the thought of being in his life on permanent basis has at one time or the other crossed her mind.

It also means, given the opportunity, she would grab it with both hands. Your husband too may have found one or two interesting things about her to warrant him going out with her, and after all she isn’t the only woman he has seen since he married you. The implication of this is, he definitely finds something interesting in her and if given the opportunity may end up with her on a permanent basis.

You must do everything possible not to give both of them the opportunity of exploring the interest further than they have already gone. To do that could mean you losing your home permanently to this woman over whom you are determined to make your husband and home suffer needlessly.

From your own account, he didn’t force you to resign. You did it out of your own choice and willingness to give your family the best of your attention. So to accuse him of being unappreciative of your sacrifices and going ahead to use it as reason for him to also do same for you is not only unreasonable but also totally childish. What you now demand of him has no direct bearing with the issue at hand, it appears that your so-called sacrifices didn’t come from a heart that clearly thought about the consequences of doing so.

If you really did it out of love, it won’t become a weapon to be used to pressure your husband into doing things your own way.

Rather than worry yourself over this other woman, work on your deficiencies, those things that may have made him go into the affair. Although men would always find millions of reasons to be unfaithful to their partners, more often than not, one reason remains thorny. Can you think of any thing your husband has always complained about? If you don’t know, lovingly coax the reasons he went into the relationship. The purpose is to use whatever reason he gives you to win him back. Even if he refuses to give a reason, pay him a visit at the office, to get the opportunity to see your rival and see what ideas you can steal from her and improve on to keep your husband interest on you.

Since you don’t work, check your clothes and body care. Can you be compared with the other woman? You may have shifted too much attention from him to your son. This too could make him very lonely and needing of confidence boosters from his mistress.

You won’t be the first woman to make these types of mistakes but you can make the difference in your own marriage by urgently making your husband the center of your world again. If the other woman is giving the attention you are not showing him at home, then your marriage is in deeper trouble than you think because like children, the heart of the man is with the person who shows him the most attention.

The bitter truth is that if the same conditions prevail in your relationship with him, he would continue to have affairs. Therefore, stop putting the pressures on him and show him all the love he needs to come back home to you.

Your battle is best fought on bent knees in prayers and certainly not by issuing ultimatum to a man whose name you answer to, and under whose roof you live.

Good luck.

My Husband Starves Me Of Sex

Dear Agatha,

I am a married woman with a four-year-old son. Since I gave birth to the child, my husband has refused to make love to me. Anytime I go to him he would give one excuse or the other for not being with me.

I am tired and want to leave him. I have prayed but nothing seems to be happening. I sincerely don’t want to raise my son in another man’s house. Please help me because I am so confused. Besides I don’t know if anything has happened to my womb with the long forced abstinence from sex. It would have been different if we were making long spaced love but to stay totally away from it while living with a man under the same roof is more than I can endure.

Tolu.

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Dear Tolu,

There is more to this issue than you have written. Being a woman, my natural reaction is to condemn your man but something tells me that a lot must have happened between the time you had the child and now to make things this terrible between the two of you.

This is one situation where complete honesty is required to correct whatever may have gone wrong between the two of you. A man doesn’t just make up his mind not to come near the woman he lives with under the same roof without a concrete reason.

This is because men by nature are moved by their sight rather than by their strength when it comes to sex. Men do not have the emotional strength to use sex as a weapon, and that is the area where women have field day, not men. For him to have resisted your feminine charms for four years without a record failure means the issues at stake are more fundamental than what you have stated.

What went wrong? How did you both get to this point? What happened before you had your son? Did you ever do anything to make him doubt your loyalty to him, the paternity of the child or suspect you of the possibility of having an extra-marital affair? Do you also think there is another woman who is engaging his attention? Have you ever insulted him in the presence of an audience, under-valued his position as the head of the house? How well do you respect him as your head?

These are some of the issues that can make a man so determined to ignore his wife and her presence in his home. Contrary to general thinking that hell has no fury like a woman scorned, a hurting man can go to any length in life to protect his damaged ego. He is denying you sex as a weapon to make you acknowledge his importance in your life. And the most unfortunate thing about all these is that while he has the liberty to go outside to be with another woman, you don’t. If you do that while still under his roof would count as infidelity on your part. Even though he would also be committing the same offence if he sleeps with another woman, the society would view any attempt by you as sacrilegious while he is counted as normal.

Yes, his decision to deprive you of sex is serious enough to warrant you seeking divorce from him on ground of emotional cruelty but it might not be the actual solution to whatever has caused this problem between you two. If you fail to be honest now, you risk making the same mistake in your next relationship.

The essence of experiences like yours is not only to learn a hard lesson but also to help bring about a positive reformation in our attitudes towards others especially those close to us.

Which of his ego did you hurt? Be honest because therein lies the key to the solution of your problems with him.

Some incidents are more visible than others. Look at the visible faults you have as well as those you think aren’t important. Usually the seemingly unimportant things are the ones with the most harm.

In examining this issue, look beyond your sex life together. What sort of man is he? Apart from denying you his body, what sort of husband and father is he? Before the birth of your son, what sort of lover was he? Is he cruel in our ways to you and your son? Does he provide for your feeding, care as well as welfare of the child?

During your pregnancy, was he caring? Before now, did you ever use sex as a weapon? Has he ever had reasons to complain bitterly against a particular thing about you before or after the birth of the child?

Although not an excuse, what shape are you in now? Do you still consider yourself as attractive as you were before you gave birth? How much did you change in terms of temperament since having your child? Have you ever made attempt to discuss why he is refusing to make love with you? What other efforts have you made to get him to change his mind?

All these are issues you must put into consideration when making up your mind on what to do.

Even though yours seem an irredeemable marriage, with a lot of hard work and determination, it can still work out if you both apply your mind to it.

Four years may appear to be a lifetime, too late to discuss what could have influenced his decision but it isn’t to a determined mind.

Can you remember what he liked most about you the first time you both met? Why not resurrect it from wherever you have kept it to get him to look your way again. It is important you get him to talk else you would never be able to forgive him or get over the harm of his neglect of you.

If it entails getting his family and yours to intervene, don’t hesitate. Believe me when I say it is easier for a man to start all over again than for a woman. A woman who has a failed marriage behind her is instantly judged as a failure, one who couldn’t endure or has a long list of bad habits, which drove the man away from her. No matter how defensible her reasons for ending the marriage are she takes all the guilt. It takes a long while for the society to see things her way but isn’t so for the man who is instantly tagged as the victim.

It takes a special kind of luck and God’s grace to find a man who would look after another man’s child as his own. In most cases, it is a torture for both mother and child to live happy in another man’s house.

For your son, it isn’t going to be a bed of roses especially if you are going into the man’s house as a second or third wife. It is for his sake, you must first try everything you know to get your man to talk and discuss the way forward.

In addition to the more common reason of him having an affair, it could also be spiritual as well as psychological.

Though not a frequently, thought of possibility or one considered important enough, but some men react negatively to the hassles they witness their wives go through during pregnancy, at child birth, if he was present with you in the hospital and after it especially if the women went through a difficult labour. The thought of losing their wives make such men go into emotional shock and subsequently rash decisions aimed at ensuring their women don’t go through the process of childbirth again.

This they do out of acute love and consideration but because they lack knowledge of how to present and explain their feelings to their partners, rush into extreme measures, like your husband, not to make pregnancy happen again. The acute fear locked deep in their subconscious make every thought of making love to their wives repulsive.

Their refusal to discuss their hidden fears with their wives makes nonsense of their aim and desire to protect these women from the pains nature expects them to go through in the process of bringing a life to earth.

If this is true of his case, leaving him isn’t a solution instead he needs your love and support to get over his phobia. He needs you to explain that whatever you went through during your pregnancy and afterwards were not life threatening but normal processes women go through.

To help him get his confidence back, encourage him to use condom while making love with you until he overcomes the phobia.

You may also get professional help if you feel he needs further help.

The spiritual angle comes up if he was brought up to belief sex can only happen between a couple when they desire a child. It would also require your understanding as well as patience to make him appreciate that unlike him, you cannot do without his company and comfort. Let him know that he attitude is pushing you to consider quitting the marriage, as you cannot continue to cope with the situation any more.
It is also important you ask him pointedly if there is any medical problem he recently developed which he is trying not to pass on to you.

Whatever his reasons are or your mistakes are, make it clear he has pushed you to your limit and that if he doesn’t change, you may have no choice but to walk out of the union. Both of you must be willing to offer forgiveness and accepting it in return for the sake of the child.

Making it clear you have gotten to your limit would help him appraise his stance over this matter.

But, don’t quit unless you have done everything humanly possible and you are really left with no option. Your level of determination and love would save or destroy this marriage.

Beyond the issue of the added danger of childbirth older women face, lack of sex doesn’t have any damaging medical consequences.

Good luck.

My Girl Flagrantly Fools My Love For Her

Dear Agatha,

I want to appreciate you on the good advice and responses you daily provide people with problems.

I am 24, and combine work with schooling. I’m a civil servant with the Delta State Civil Service Commission, while schooling in Akwa Ibom.

I am in love with this lady whom I cherish so much, an orphan. Our relationship is over 10 months old. She stays in Warri while I in Asaba.

At the beginning, our relationship was smooth sailing to the point I almost proposed marriage to her. But I began to notice that things were no longer going smooth between us as she began to misbehave. She took to insulting me at the slightest opportunity only for her to apologise afterwards. As a matter of fact she longer exhibit any respect for my person.

In the place of the pleasant reports I used to get about her, people began to complain, including her friends, the woman she stays with and her church members.

Even though she has severally accused me of unfaithfulness, in spite of my sincerity, I never suspected her capable of unfaithfulness. It is so painful.

Disappointed Man.

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Dear Disappointed Man,

In the course of finding emotional equilibrium and tranquility in the opposite sex, you will meet with one or two disappointments. Heartache is one of the risks we take when we decide to go into a relationship.

There is no relationship that doesn’t come with its fair share of pains and aches. This is inherent in our individualities and characters as human beings. When a man and woman decide to come together, the greatest challenge is finding a middle ground between the difference in their attitude as well as their family orientations.

In addition, they have to find a path of compromise between their social attitudes picked up from interactions with friends and peers.

The beginning was without incidents because the natural euphoria of finding and discovering something new was at work. In the beginning your mind and eyes overlooked her faults because of the newness of the relationship. You applied the principle of selective perception which blocks out what you don’t want to see and see things from the perceptive you only wanted.

Her behaviour didn’t change from what it has always been. The difference is you changed from being so idealistically in love to being realistically in love. It is the reality of your feelings for her that threw up issues, which you never agreed to pay attention to before.

Issues like rudeness, disrespect and unfaithfulness don’t just happen overnight. She has always been doing all these things. The fact that you have to combine your studies with your work also didn’t give you too much time to observe her as closely as you would have loved to.

These attitudes may have become more apparent on her side due to certain failures of expectation. Women decide to show their true colours to the men in their lives when dissatisfied with the man on account of his inability to meet up with her demands or failed to live up to expectations. She also does this when she desires to quit the relationship for a perceived more rewarding one.

You have to resist the temptation of allowing this incident affect you in such a way as to make you doubt any other woman you fall in love with. What experiences like this teach in a relationship is to place emphasis on the inner qualities of a person rather than the physical ones.

A woman with the right inner qualities would never be rude to her man no matter his provocations, and would at all times demonstrate respect for him even if he doesn’t deserve it. She would never agree to any other relationship until she bids the relationship farewell.

Physical beauty alone doesn’t make a woman instead she needs an inner beauty to be a complete woman.

It is also important too you examine your own contributions to the problem. Combining school and work in different locations of the country, living in different towns all come with very heavy challenges. It couldn’t have been easy for someone so young to cope with. Even older married ladies would find this arrangement tedious and unappealing.

The strain of your involvements would naturally make her wonder if you are not having another relationship especially if she hardly sees you. While talking over the phone regularly has its advantages, it is not a substitute for personal contact. If you are able to forgive whatever issues exist between the two of you, this is one area you both need to work on in the interest of peace and commitment.

You just have to find a way of making her understand your passion. If it means taking her with you to school one weekend to experience first hand the type of environment you operate, might help to make understand.

Even if you agree to go your separate ways, don’t leave things to chances in your next attempt by allowing the issues that affected this relationship come up in your next one.

From the very beginning ensure you not only explain the things you are involved in but to also plead for the sacrifices as well as support of your partner.

In clear details explain what is involved in dating you in your current situation; give her the chance to say yes to the arrangement or reject it.

Not only would it address, from the beginning, the thorny issue of faithfulness but also of you not having either the time or enough money to play around.

Good luck.

Two Men Want Me For Marriage, Hard To Make Choice

Dear Agatha,

I am 24-year old lady dating a man of 29 years of age who promised to marry me. But I am keeping a secret affair with another man who also promised to marry me after his National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) year. He is aware of my first boyfriend but now insisting I date only him, and consequently introduced me to every member of his family.

He just gained admission into one of the polytechnics and we have been dating for three years. He is very humble.

Esther.

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Dear Esther,

From the tone of your letter, it seems the second guy is your favourite. The most honourable thing for you to do at this point is to tell the other man about your change of mind.

It is bad enough that you are cheating on him. It would be very cruel if you keep encouraging him while your mind is made up to follow another man. Even though he doesn’t know about your new man, you have done enough harm to him because while you are busy enjoying two worlds, having different plans with these two men, he on the other hand has put all his hopes on you. To him now, he has a woman he hopes to marry but who unknown to him has equally given her commitment to another man.

To have allowed this second man present you to his family shows you don’t feel anything very strong for your second man. So work up the courage to end your relationship with him so he can also have the freedom to pursue happiness with another woman. He may not understand why you are doing it now but he would eventually when he meets the woman who shows him the respect and love you obviously cannot give him.

Your continued relationship with him is pointless since you lack any qualms going on with the other man. It is apparent that your confusion is not over the other man but the unfavourable situation of your second boyfriend who just gained admission into tertiary institution.

You are worried about the number of years it would take him to be ready to take as wife. The cause of your anxiety has to do with the unpredictability of the future, of the fears of rejections by him as well as your inability to wait for him to be ready.

It would do you a world of good to think deeply because this relationship is laced with so many uncertainties. There is no guarantee that he would get job as soon as he finish school or that you would be able to withstand the emotional pressure of seeing all your friends getting married while you wait for your man to be ready.

These are fears you have to face squarely now. There is no way you can eat and still have your cake. Your choice comes with some bitter pills you must make up your mind to swallow if truly you love him.

The years you have to wait for him would define how deep your love for each other is but I can tell you this, it would take a lot of sacrifices on your part more than his to make it work.

Good luck

How Possible Is It To Date Multiple Partners?

Dear Agatha,

My problem has to do with this girl I have fallen in love with but who unfortunately is in a relationship with another man. She told me when I asked her out that she would have gladly accepted my offer if she weren’t in another relationship.

The question is if it is possible for someone to date more than one person at a time?

And what should I do? This is the third girl that would be turning down my interest over the same reason. Please what should I do?

Christambass.

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Dear Christambass,

Yes, it is possible for some people to be involved in multiple relationships but the question should rightly be whether it is right? No, it isn’t right. Anybody who engages in it is termed disloyal and incapable of loving anybody.

The heart is incapable of loving two people at the same time. It will always favour one person to the detriment of the other. When a man or woman is in multiple relationships, in the process of allocating time among the partners, everybody involved with that person suffers.

The essence of going into relationship is to have constant companionship to share ideals and feelings with. Once this is tampered with, and the other person not available to meet the needs of his or her partner, so many issues suffer in the process, which at the end of the day lead to the collapse of the union.

God designed a relationship from the very beginning for two persons because only one rib was extracted from Adam. When a man or woman goes into multiple relationships at the same time, it follows that he or she is stealing into someone else’s happiness and space.

This is why polygamous homes are laced with unnecessary jealousies, hatred, backbiting and dangerous rivalry because no matter how diplomatic the head of the home is, he cannot love every member of the family equally. He would always have his favourite among the wife, the one who carries his original rib.

No man originally sets out to cause confusion in his life at the point he decides to take on an extra wife but finds himself unable to stop the tide of feelings for one woman more than the others.

This is because God never meant a relationship to be between more than two persons. The formation of the human body shows that life itself is meant to be in pair.

There is no way you would be able to enjoy being in a relationship with any of these girls if they had said yes to you because their hearts are committed to other men; men who have the rights to their time and thoughts.

In any of these men shoes, how would you feel if the lady you are involved in has another man outside you? Would you ever be able to accept being responsible for any pregnancy that results from your affair with her? Would you have the confidence to plan any future with her? There are too many complexities associated with relationships, which made it impossible for a third party involvement.

It is unfortunate that all the girls you seem to be interested are all taken up by other men. But that shouldn’t discourage you from continuing your search for the right girl.
These girls are turning you down because they aren’t meant for you. When you meet the right girl, there won’t be any impediment whatsoever.

To help you make the right choice, pray to God. He knows us all, and what we need to be happy. If you talk to Him, He would make things very easy.

Good luck.

Is Marriage Possible With Younger Lover

Dear Agatha,

Please help me. My boyfriend is 23 while I am 25 years of age. Can we marry considering that he is younger by two years than I am?

Please help me because I am confused.

Confused Lady.

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Dear Confused Lady,

There is no reason why both of you cannot marry. Age is nothing but statistic which should not be allowed to interfere with the happiness of those who are able to get over the hurdles put in its path by the society.

The only danger is if you lied about your age to him. Once he is aware of it and agrees to date you despite it, you don’t have any reason to be confused or apprehensive over the workability of the relationship.

What is paramount here is your comfort with the arrangement. Since both of you are not ashamed at being seen together in pubic, your ages become inconsequential to your overall happiness. Your man has to be sufficiently convinced that you are the right woman for him and therefore able to defend his reasons for preferring you to any of the younger girls his friends or family would have wished for him.

He must be proud of you in everyway to overcome the many nasty comments as well as innuendos that such a relationship attracts.

On the other hand too, you must learn to respect him irrespective of you being older than he is. You must never do anything to question his leadership of the relationship. Irrespective of whether he is younger than you or not, he remains the political and spiritual head of the relationship and subsequently the home. Therefore you must willingly at all times submit yourself to him in every way a woman gives of herself to her husband. In public, you must be seen as the doting and respectful wife who recognises as well as cedes to the leadership of her man. Never make him feel whether alone or in the company of others that your age gives you the edge over him or talk to him to suggest that being older, you have the liberty to scold him.

You may be older but in terms of responsibility and leadership of the home, he is the unequivocal head.

A great deal of how this relationship progresses would depend on the amount of humility, friendship, determination as well as respect you invest into it. There is no relationship without its problem and yours will not be an exception at all. As a matter of fact, it would come with more complex issues on account of the decision of both of you to break away from the norm.

Both of you have to learn this early to steel yourself against the opinions of every other person but the two people who count -you and your mate.

If both of you are able to listen to yourselves, learn not to take things too seriously, discuss your differences candidly and manage to remain focused on the reasons that made both of you united, nobody would notice that he is younger or you older for that matter.

To make this relationship work, you must learn to take pride in yourselves as well as decision to spend the rest of your lives together.

Bearing in mind that nobody is perfect, differences should be tackled with maturity while you must avoid inferences that lack strong evidences to support your line of reasoning. Gossips and malicious speculations about one’s partner have been known to destroy a good relationship. Don’t expect everybody to be happy at your happiness or decision to become a couple.

To this end, you and your partner must learn to have unconditional trust in your feelings for each other. While you must never allow the fact that you are older be obvious in your dealings with him, there are instances in which your lessons from experiences must be applied in the interest of peace in the home.

One of such instances concerns his relationship with other women. Always resist the natural impulse inherent in majority of women to jump to the wrong conclusions.

Even in situations where you have evidences that he has an affair with a lady, don’t rush into reactions. Wait until you are enveloped in the privacy of your home before exploding. Nobody but him must see your insecurity because once it becomes public knowledge that you are insecure, it could trigger a lot of negative reactions from those who don’t want both of you to be happy together.

Strive to be his best friend, major confidant, cheer leader as well as his think-tank. Spiritually learn to pray for him.

However one issue that can unmake this relationship is that of you being able to wait for him to be ready. At 23, reality means he still has far to go whereas at 25, you are almost ready for plucking. Do you think you have the required patience and tolerance to wait for him to put a large percentage of the structures you need to be happy together? Don’t forget a woman matures faster than the man. At 23, he still has far to go. If he hasn’t concluded his education, you have to wait for him to do this, do the compulsory national service and get a job, work for sometime to acquire a little bit of capital as well as material things to give some comfort to your early days.

This is one important aspect of this relationship you must discuss to avoid disagreement and terrible disappointing quarrels between the two of you later in life.

Understandably, you will suffer the pressure more than he would do. Would you have the patience and love to wait? Don’t limit yourself to the now of this relationship; look beyond today to its tomorrow and its workability.

Then it won’t be a matter of love but that of a race against time on your part. Ensure you remove all obstacles that could cause problems now or in the future. There is always a thin line between reality and idealism.

Good luck.

I Can’t Afford To Live With My Wife

Dear Agatha,

I have been married since 2006 but my wife and I do not stay together because I work in Lagos and she stays with my mother in the village.

But the problem now is that my in-laws and my mother are insisting I bring my wife to live with me in Lagos. According to them, she has overstayed with them.

This has brought the suspicion of infidelity on her part but my salary isn’t much to write home about. Please advise me on how to go about this problem.

Ebuka.

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Dear Ebuka,

What is precisely your problem? It can’t be the issue of your salary alone. There is more to why you seem hesitant about your wife coming over to stay with you in Lagos. In clear terms what are you afraid of? Why are you unwilling to bring your wife to stay with you? Is it that you don’t feel her absence, don’t have a need of her emotionally, physically as well as spiritually? Don’t you crave for her company at all? How have you coped without her by your side?

In the first instance, why did you marry her; to have her stay with your parents in the village? Did you marry her for your parents or because you realised the need for a companion, a friend, helper, confidant, supporter and mother of your children?

In addition what is your concept of marriage? As a matter of fact, what do you understand by being married?

For three years, you and the woman you claim to be your wife have lived apart not because either of you is outside the country but because you claim your salary isn’t sufficient to cater for a wife? Who then is supposed to care for her if you cannot take care of the woman you claim to be your wife; your parents who also have their challenges or her people who relinquished their responsibility over her to you the day you married her?

Sincerely, I don’t think you are being fair to this woman, your mother and her people. It is either you are in a marriage or out of it.

When you went to pay her bride price, didn’t you know that your salary couldn’t care for an extra mouth? Even if you were pressurised into it, couldn’t you have explained to those insisting you marry that you lacked the financial base and wherewithal to fend adequately for yourself let alone a wife and possibly children?

Did you at any time tell them that you would abdicate your responsibilities for your wife to them if they insist you marry against your will?

If for three years, they have endured the burden of taking care of her, it is only fair you take over from where they have stopped. There is also the issue of the embarrassment they are bound to face from inquisitive neighbours over the continued stay in the village of a woman who is supposed to be married. It can’t have been a tea party for your wife, mother or in-laws to constantly explain her presence in the village. A married woman stays in her husband’s house and not with her mother-in-law.

Sincerely, if she is having an affair, you gave room for the situation to happen because you have failed to live up to your side of the bargain. Leaving her at the mercy of village gossips is insensitive as well as selfish.

Your attitude could frustrate any woman into misbehaving because more than your words or any assurances, it tells of a man who is uncaring, callous, down right selfish, irresponsible and who doesn’t know what his responsibilities to his young wife are.

She is a young vibrant woman whose need of her husband’s presence and touch is at its peak. Like every young married woman, she expects the initial months of be exciting, to have complete control of her husband’s affection, to be at the centre of his thoughts, to enjoy the bliss of all her fantasies with her dream man; instead what does she get; a cold bed at night and the company of her mother-in-law who cannot meet her emotional needs?

What you have done to her is known as matrimonial cruelty and provocation.

Can you honestly say you haven’t been up to other relationships in Lagos? For you, is it the case of what is sauce for the gander being poison for the goose? How on earth can you justify your seeming reluctance to live with your wife of three years under the same roof?

If for three years you don’t have any inclination to bring her to live with you, what signals do you think you are transmitting to this woman?

If you must know, this may not be a case of infidelity on her part but a desperate attempt by your mother and in-laws to make you responsible and alive to your duties to your wife. She has tried to understand, she deserves the job of being married. Not many young women would tolerate what she has endured. It can’t have been easy for her at all.

If money is the real reason, keeping her away isn’t going to improve the situation. On the contrary she could be of tremendous use to you if she is around. For instance, she could help improve your financial base by going into a small-scale business. There are so many businesses or jobs which you may find demeaning as a man but which she can do.

Besides, you should have thought and discussed your situation with her before now. That you didn’t isn’t her fault so subjecting her to this emotional turmoil is uncalled for. Instead of debating the fairness of your family’s summons, what you should do urgently is to go to the village to apologise to her family as well as yours and to take your wife home with you.

Being your wife, she won’t mind the conditions you live in provided she has the opportunity of expressing herself as your wife before the world.

It takes two to build a home. Your wisdom alone as the man cannot carry you through this difficulties, you need her input, which is why God made you a pair.

Marriage doesn’t work on individual efforts alone; it works perfectly when the couple involved pull their wisdoms and ideas together. Don’t lock her out of your life, she has a role to play in helping you stand firmly on your feet. If God thought you could do it alone, He wouldn’t have given you a wife. He would have allowed you to carry the burden alone so don’t carry a burden meant to be shared by you and your partner.

Not only would you collapse but risk dismal failure as well as needless pains on those you love.

Already, your parents and in-laws are disappointed with your conduct, don’t give them a reason to continue to doubt your credibility as a man. It would be most disastrous if your family loses confidence in you. Should this happen, it would be almost impossible for them to continue to convince your wife to stay on in this marriage.

This is why they want you to come and take her to give you the opportunity to mend the cracks you have unwittingly created by your selfishness.

There are men in worst conditions than yours but who are living happily with their wives. That you are able to pay for an accommodation puts you far and above a lot of people.

God created her to be your helpmate. There is no way you can determine how well she would play this role if you continue to avoid her. A woman has the ability and capability to endure any situation once her mind is made up about it. If she fails to support you, it is because your actions have created suspicion within your frame. You need to work on earning her trust all over again because whatever trust she had for you may have been compromised by the events of these three years.

Go before it is too late for this woman. You need her just as she needs you to be happy.

Good luck.

My Man Tricky Of His Real Dream For Me

Dear Agatha,

I am one of your regular readers and I need your help. In the last two years, I have been dating this boy in his second year running Higher National Diploma (HND) programme. We are both in love.

However, I can’t stop being anxious over the relationship because of the way my previous relationship broke up. I am fearful of having another experience like that.

Although we have talked about the possibility of us getting married if it is the will of God but other men are coming for my hand. Once I demand to know his explicit plans for me but he simply told me he loves me but that, if others are coming my way I shouldn’t stop them but not to give any man my body in a hurry.

Please help me what should I do to make him confess his plans for me? Presently, there is no problem between us, but I am confused. Much as I don’t want to rush him into anything, I don’t know anybody in his family because they all live in Ibadan, not in Kaduna. Please help me.

Angel.

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Dear Angel,

You are simply being paranoid. If you continue this way, you risk losing this man not to another woman but to your own fears.

What else do you want him to tell you? Tell you that he would marry you today when he has given the wisest and most realistic assurances in the world? What if he tells you he would and God says no to his desire to marry you? What will you do? Fight or pressurise God into accepting your ways over His wisdom and good thoughts for you?
If you were wise, you would turn your attention to God and not this man who has made it obvious that God is his ultimate source of strength. All he knows is what he feels for you now and that what he has offered you, his love as it currently stands.

You have a choice to either accept his honest response to your question or give him freedom to concentrate on his studies. Sincerely, he doesn’t need your type of pressures now. As his woman, you should ensure he has the right atmosphere to succeed.

Putting these pressures on him might affect his level of concentration on his study.

It is wrong for you to transfer the anxieties of your previous relationships to your current relationship with this man. He isn’t the one that hurt you, so it’s very unfair of you to make him suffer for an offence or incident he knows nothing about.

Whatever may have been the challenge of your previous experiences; you must learn how to trust again, love without fear and conditions. To do that is to elongate your disappointments because it would get to a point where this man would no longer feel the need to defend his love for you.

Once you push him to that limit with your constant naggings, nothing you say would make the right impression on him again. So beware you don’t, through your own insecurities, cause more pains for yourself.

He sounds like an honest reasonable young man. Don’t allow your fears make you lose him because this is one loss you may find impossible to replace.

Like Him, commit the relationship to God because He is the only one who has our lives right in the palms of His hands. With Him in charge, you have nothing to fear again about your life. Trust me, He is very sufficient.

Good luck

My Girl Double-dates Right Under My Nose

Dear Agatha,

Being a regular reader of your column I am always impressed at the way you handle issues.

I am 27 years dating a girl, 21. She works as a maidservant in our house. We have been dating for two years now and sincerely; I still don’t know where the relationship is heading, due to the disturbing presence of a boy, who lives with us. He served my father and has since been settled by him but decided to stay on with us until he gets a place of his own.

Although he claims to be a staunch Christian, a born-again, he engages in practices, which to me make nonsense of his claims as born-again.

I have noticed the closeness between him and my girlfriend. He is in the habit of buying her gifts as well as money. He also buys her edibles.

All these started after she accepted to date me. I help her with her academics and also give her money from the little income I earn where I work.

I also made her a promise settle down with her and sponsor her tertiary education once I am able to get a better job, which I know would come very soon.

She surprised me on Valentine’s Day with a gift of a love frame but my joy was taken away when I noticed she equally bought a flower and kept for the boy who wasn’t around at the time.

She didn’t know I saw the flower because I refused to discuss the issue with her directly. In response to my leading questions she explained that our environment wasn’t conducive for her to concentrate attention on me just as her schoolwork was also taking much her time.

I am confused and need your advice.

Saviola.

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Dear Saviola,

Confront her with the evidences of what you have seen and noticed. Being a house-help in your home, which deprives her of the opportunity to be with you is not the issue, but sincerity on her part.

Relationship is about loyalty and this comes from faithfulness to your partner. She cannot be in a relationship with you and be accepting gifts from another man or buying gifts for another man. It is either she is wholeheartedly in this relationship with you or out of it. There are no middle grounds in love and relationship.

At 21, she isn’t exactly a spring chicken not to know what is expected of someone who is in love or has given his commitment to another person. Her obligations to you include giving up all other persons and inducements to enable her concentrate on this relationship with you.

You will be stupid and highly embarrassed if at the end of the day, she is not only simultaneously dating you and the other boy but would leave you after you have trained her to be with the man of her choice.

Doubtless, you must love her to have risked the opinions of your parents to date her. But her love for you must be worth this important sacrifice you are making.

Therefore you must urgently call her to extract from her, her true feelings towards you. In your own interest, demand she tells you precisely what she feels for you as well as the other man. To get the truth from her, tell her about your confusions at her continued closeness with the other man. Let her know that you are not preventing her from being friendly with the other man but are worried about the seemingly depth of their relationship.

Go over again for the purpose of your discussion with her, your plans for her as well as what you expect from a woman you are having a relationship with. Also tell her about your fears, confusions as well as anxieties.

In addition, do you have the boldness to go through with it? Can you withstand the initial mockery, snobbishness as well as attempts at superiority of friends and other girlfriends if they find out your relationship with her? It is one thing to conduct secret relationship with her, making it public takes another kind of feeling, another kind of commitment as well as dispositions. You may not have thought about this but she may have done so which could be why she is still keeping her closeness to this other boy incase you grow cold feet when the avalanche of opposition threatens to drown you.

It is also important you listen to her because in fairness to her, your position as the son of the owner of the house may be her real source of worry and reason she prefers the other boy whom she considers more her type. Given the experiences of others before her, she may think your offer for a relationship with her is motivated principally by your desire to have sex with her and nothing more.

If this is her hidden fear, then the issue between the two of you is that of lack of sufficient trust. Frankly, it would take more than promises of sponsoring her through university to resolve.

It would entail you taking some risks of your own like moving away from the comfort of your parents’ home. In all fairness to her, there is no way this relationship can work with you staying in your parents’ home. Don’t forget she works, as a maid there, and there is no way your parents would ever willingly give their support to such an arrangement.

Whereas, this other boy is free to associate with her in the open, your social classes occasioned by the situation in your home makes your relationship with her somehow forbidden.

Your talk with her must boldly address this inherent issue in such a way it would clearly address all her obvious and hidden fears as well as set out a plan for the future.

The other boy may not really be the problem as much as your unwillingness to make sacrifices for the love your claim to have for her. Yes, it is all right to help her with her school work, give her some pocket money but you must address and act on the issues that would give her confidence to give up every other dream to follow you.

This is however premised on how much you want her and your real interest in her. If your real interest in her is to marry her, you must begin to act as one to be trusted, one she can follow with a blind-fold, a fearless and determined man.

A woman in her position needs more than the assurances of mere words. In addition to promises, she needs physical evidences that she isn’t going with the wrong man. After serving as house-help in the early years of her life, she needs all the assurances that a better life awaits her and that she has the right man by her side.

Like you, she is confused about the reality of this relationship.

For your sakes, you must honestly address all outstanding issues including that of her unusual closeness to the other boy.

God will grant you the wisdom to be truthful to yourselves as well as give you the guts to carry this relationship forward.

Good luck.

At 28, Is It Wise To Keep Life-partner Even As Graduate?

Dear Agatha,

I am a young man of 28 years of age. I have just graduated from the University and currently working temporarily with a company at Awka while waiting for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) call up letter.

My problem is that in all the relationships I have had, I have found myself going out of the way to make the girls happy. I have never tried having sex with any of them or benefited from them in anyway. My question now is, since I am not the type that demands for sex, what is the essence of a relationship. This particular issue has started creating a cold spirit in me about women.

Secondly, is it wise for me at my age to start searching for a life-partner or a relationship, which could lead to marriage despite the fact that I am just starting out in life, and that my three elder brothers are yet to marry? Please I need your help and advice.

Ugo.

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Dear Ugo,

As one reaches the age of maturity, it becomes imperative for one to have a relationship, to have that special person to share one’s life with.

A lot of things are tied to having the right kind of relationship. It doesn’t begin and end with being able to have free sex, but goes beyond that. Relationship threads all the complex issues of one’s life together as well as giving a definite pattern to life.

In addition, it brings into being the missing link in one’s life. From the beginning, God created man and woman to be a pair. After a certain age, life becomes a drab, struggle without the missing pair.

It also provides the man especially the needed opportunity to learn and acquire management skill. Any man who is able to effectively manage a home, the temperament of his wife, blend the different interests of his wife and children to have a harmonious home, sensitive to the moods and rights of his family and considerate as well as humane, often than not makes a wonderful manager.

A man who is not able to achieve a harmony in his private life in most cases cannot make a success of any responsibility entrusted him.

The patience, selflessness, humility as well as the accommodative nature of relationships has also taught some men and women who would have otherwise been bad managers to be good managers.

However, all these can only happen if blessed with the right partner, as a bad partner can derail one’s dreams forever.

To avoid getting into the wrong relationship, you must know before going into it what you want from life itself. What you want from life would invariably influence your choice of a woman. If you lack a clear focus of what you want from life, chances of you knowing the type of woman to help you with its implementation would be so difficult.
So, before you go into a relationship, first think of what you want out of life. What are your plans? What sort of home do you want? How many children do you want? What sort of marriage do you want and what sort of woman do you think can help you achieve? And what is important to you in a woman, her physical beauty or inner qualities?

Beware you don’t make the mistake of concentrating all your attention on the woman’s physical endowment only because beauty alone cannot make relationship work. It takes more than beauty to achieve your aim in marriage. A beautiful woman without manners, patience, lacking in respect, would make it impossible for you to achieve what you set out to in a marriage.

She has to be more than a wife. She must be your best friend, your cheer leader, spiritually as well as physically, she must be understanding, caring and very respectful to make your marriage or relationship a happy one.

At 28, you are not too young to begin planning for your life. Marriage remains one of the most important institutions in life, the only one, which from birth is mandatory for us all to go into. Right from the labour room, the expectation of the society for the new baby is to be able to continue the legacy that brought him or her to life.

However, it is unfortunate that despite all these expectations, many still find themselves very unprepared for marriage. Marriages are failing due to this. Many people think it is as simple as saying “I do” to the man or woman after their hearts. Unfortunately, it takes much more than that to make a marriage work. It takes, more often than not, determination to overlook all the attendant shortcomings that come with it to keep it going.

Such ironclad determination comes from a deep knowledge that marriage isn’t a bed of roses, which in turn comes from studying and learning from the experiences of others. It also comes from having a courtship where real issues are put on the front burners.

There is nothing stopping you from going into a relationship now, provided you and your partner have the perfect understanding of all the issues at stake. Once she knows that marriage isn’t an immediate thing on your agenda, has the faith and loyalty to help you achieve some stability needed before marriage can happen between you, you have nothing to fear.

Besides, it would afford both of you the opportunity to study each other, fine-tune some of your behaviours as well as build the proper foundation to peg your relationship.

That your elder brothers are still single doesn’t mean you have to wait for them to be married before you fulfill your own destiny.

What happens if they decide not to marry in the next 10 years? Wait for them all your life? Marriage is a personal choice. They may have their reasons for not getting married and would be unfair for anybody to expect you to peg your happiness on their own. Once you think you are ready, don’t hesitate. Being older than you doesn’t mean damping your happiness to make them happy.

Good luck.

Our Housemaid Introduced Me To Sex As Young Boy

Dear Agatha,

Thanks a million for putting smiles on the faces of many Nigerians, who are burdened with one problem or the other. May the good Lord continue to add to your wisdom?

I am a 22-year old young man whose problems started at a very young age. I was exposed to sex very early in life by our house-help who insisted I slept with her everyday.

I became so addicted to sex with her that whenever she weren’t around, I would excite myself by holding on to her under-wears. I usually end up masturbating on such days.

Now, I am reaping the immoral fruit of my past as any thought of the opposite sex gets me all fired up. I seem to have lost the ability to control my reactions.

Secondly, the last time I had sex, about a year ago, I had premature ejaculation in which I didn't even last up to a minute before ejaculating. Sequel to that, I lost my girlfriend, as she couldn't bear the whole thing.

Thirdly, my manhood is tiny. Please help me out of these problems.

Worried Man.

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Dear Worried Man,

What happened to you is very unfortunate but you must find a way of putting the whole issue behind you so you don’t end up wrecking a life like she did hers.

Frankly, it would take a woman who truly cares to help you get over your problem but that would be on the condition that you tell her the whole truth from the very beginning.

Your information would help her know what to expect as well as the limits of your ability. It would also inform her about the things she has to do to help you gain confidence.

In addition to telling the woman about your past and problems, you also have to work on your confidence as a man. Getting aroused at the thought of a woman can be controlled if you make up your mind. And one-way is to begin the process of debriefing yourself. There is nothing as embarrassing to the image of a man like having uncontrolled erections. It gives the message of irresponsibility and calls to question the man’s moral values. How would you feel having erection in the middle of an important discussion or interview simply because a lady is among the panel?

You are still having all these reactions because you have refused to bury the incident of the past. While you may not have control over what happened to you in the past, you have the power to influence your present and future.

Stop thinking about sex and women! Invest your mind on more important thing of nurturing your dreams in life, putting viable structures in place towards your future. Women and sex never expire but the opportunity of planning for the future, securing it has an expiring date; a chance once lost that can never be regained. You are in your most productive years in terms of intellect and strength. Don’t waste them thinking about women and sex only.

Your best ideas are woven into your current age and it would be so sad to fritter them away on issues that are of no importance to you now.

This is definitely something you cannot do on your own. You need the help and grace of God, so ask for His help to do a good job on your life. Follow this with a positive attitude that you can change by concentrating more efforts on either your studies or work. Invest more hours and if possible, take interest in very strenuous exercises that would leave you with little or no energy to do women. Also try filling your mind and thoughts with the words of God. These are thoughts that would drive away the excitements you feel each time you think of women.

The mind reacts to what it is fed with. If sex were all that you feed it with, it would continue to transmit it till you appear not to have control over it. Power your mind with more productive issues and you would be amazed at how fast it adjusts to the new issue.

Remember this is your life and would at the end of the day be worth the only value you put on it. People will respond to who or what you say you are.

Good luck.