What Should I Do About My Cheating Husband?

Dear Agatha, 

I need help. I am married and my husband lived a very careless life in the past. He had so many girlfriends before we got married.

When we got married, he promised to change from his old ways. I believed him even though I still had my doubts considering that most married men are having one affair or the other.

However, giving this allowance didn’t mean I was ready to share him with another woman or expected him to go into an affair with another woman.

Prepared psychologically as I was of the possibility of him going back on his words, I didn’t find it funny.

Unknown to my husband, I was already aware of his extramarital affairs because I was always in the habit of using his phone to send text messages or make distant calls to my friends and family members in Nigeria from where I joined him in the United States after we got married. Besides, since I wasn’t working, I still rely on him for money so cannot effectively manage my own phone if I have to call home regularly.

One day, he gave me his phone to read a text message from my aunt. As I searched to read the message, I noticed some strange text messages he sent to certain numbers. Initially, I ignored the first, only for me to notice a second message for another number. This time, my curiosity got the better of me so I read the messages. It was similar but different invitations from him to two girls. In the messages, he asked which hotel they were to meet. He also begged them to pick his calls as he desired to make them his. He promised to take good care of them. 

I felt so disturbed. He deleted those messages from his phone. His work involves working at night so I started monitoring his calls, only to discover that he calls two other women at around 11.30 p.m. almost on a daily basis. 

I guess he sometimes forgets to delete the numbers from his dialed and received calls because when he comes home I would always view his call list.

The disturbing part of it all they will call his cell phones at home during the weekends; his day off and he would immediately tell me he wants to take our five-month-old baby for a walk something he seldom does unless as a camouflage to reply the calls.

Agatha, imagine him forgetting my birthday for the second time since we got married. Even when I was in Nigeria, he never for once forgot my birthday.     

I really need your help, because I am so confused. I don't know whether to call those girls and have a chat with them or to confront my husband. I would have confronted him but one big problem we always have is that he refuses to listen whenever I talk to him. He thinks he knows it all and that I should never question his authority. He feels that whenever I ask him about anything; I am questioning his authority as well as attempting to control him. This is fallout of his past experiences with girls and stories his friends tell him about women controlling their husbands.

I need your help. I do believe in God for everything but I need someone to really help me out.

Confused Wife.

 

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Dear Confused Wife,

You don’t have any business with these girls because if your husband didn’t create the opportunity for them to be part of his life, they wouldn’t have been present.

To call them is to cheapen your position as the woman at home as well as advertise your insecurity.

Besides, confronting the girls could lead to several problems for you because you really don’t have anything substantial that can stand the test of time in defending your suspicions. Those calls as well as text messages are perishables because once they are deleted they cease to serve their purpose of being exhibits. So, these girls and your husband can turn round to accuse you of embarrassing them as well as of unlawful accusations. Your husband could turn round too to deny knowledge of such things without concrete proof on your part. If you don’t handle the issue very well, you could end up being the one made to apologise for the matrimonial crime he is committing. He could also use your out-pour to unveil his yet to be visible agenda.

Therefore, it is in your interest to play it cool and resist the temptation of engaging any of these girls in any form of conversation. They should be kept out of whatever efforts you make in getting your husband to respect his vows to you.

Also, you cannot be sure he is dating these two girls at the same time going by the time you claim he calls them. Would he be dating these girls at the same time; meeting them at the same hotel, at the same time? For that matter what are his sexual preferences?

You can only tackle what you know. What do you know about the man you married beyond his exotic tastes for women?

What you should do is to confront your husband the next time you come across such messages before he remembers to delete them. When it comes to saving a marriage, fear should be eliminated because the more you are imprisoned by fear; the more damage is allowed to reign in the marriage.

Doubtless, you must at all times accord your husband every respect he deserves as the head of your home. This isn’t the same thing as fear. Fear is destructive and could eventually lead to the collapse of the union because it would lead you to a point in which you can no longer endure the situation and consequently lead to violent eruption in the end.

His reception to your query would depend on how you handle it. To get a husband off an affair, the wife must learn to be humble as well as put certain things in place. First, you must begin by doing a thorough self-appraisal. On a scale of 1:10, what is your love life like? For a man who is used to a variety of women, what exciting alternative do you have to keep him by your side? As a matter of necessity, you must improve on your act. Like I always say, be your husband’s prostitute; you have a licence for it; don’t pretend or be outraged by whatever engages his passion in the bedroom. If you don’t do it, there are countless other women who are willing to take your place and do it. So, don’t waste precious time worrying about those other girls; they are not worth your time.

An addiction is something that cannot be buried within a day. It takes a gradual process and a lot of incentives to get a person off the hook. That he promised to remain faithful to you doesn’t mean he can do it effortlessly. He also needs your love through unconditional understanding, care, support, patience, respect, responsibility, loyalty, endurance as well as plenty of prayers.

Cook good food for him, find out what excites him about other women, dress to fit the part of his mistress, he has to be reminded that you are a woman and still has what it takes to be beautiful and attractive to him.

You have to make him want you in every way possible so much so you would be the only woman engaging his thoughts. Send him text messages; woo him with your body, gifts, neat and peaceful home, premium sex, quality companionship as well as unconditional friendship. Use the advantage of being his wife to make it work for you.

It is only after you have invested all these you can bring up the matter of how much he hurt you with his relationship with these girls.

Above all, learn to pray with all your heart. Pray as if it is going out of fashion. Matrimonial issues like this are best fought on one’s knees, not through a physical means. You will never win without the presence and support of God. Use His wisdom and knowledge to discover all the secret things about your husband. If you know how to link God, all these girls would become past issue.

Good luck.  

Love Her But Madness Runs In Her Family

Dear Agatha,

Early last year, I got engaged to this lady I have dated for close to six years. Being much older than her, I could easily afford to pay her school fees. And I gladly did that throughout her university education.

Her parents had wanted her to attend a polytechnic due to financial reasons but since I could afford to pay her fees, I encouraged her to go for a university education instead.

We were to marry immediately after her NYSC programme last year but we couldn’t make the Easter date because her elder brother was seriously ill at the time.

It was a protracted one as it later developed into a mental case. Being practically like the breadwinner in the family, I provided most of the funds for his medical bills.

His sickness took us through several processes including that of visiting spiritualists. We finally got a cure in one of these homes and it was here we were told that it was something that would keep recurring in the male children of the family whether these males come from their sons or daughters. According to the spiritualist, it has no antidote and is something they must all go through if they are to live. My father-in-law who happens to be the only surviving child of the family admitted having been told of a similar thing in the past.

Unfortunately for me, my elder sister was with us when the spiritualist said this. As a matter of fact she was the one that took us to the place.

On hearing this, she went straight to our aged parents to tell them that the woman I plan to bring into the family has a curse which would make all their grandchildren by me go mad. Being their eldest son and only surviving son, my parents have forbidden me not to bring this woman home again to them.

My sister didn’t stop at telling them, she has also gone to my girl’s family to warn them to keep their daughter away from me.

There is nothing I have not done to make her change her mind or my parents for that matter but my mother says the day I go back to my girlfriend is the day she would die.

I don’t want my mother to die because she is very precious to me but I also happen to love my girlfriend with my entire heart.

I am in a fix. Our wedding was planned for December but with the way things are, nothing may happen.

My problem is further complicated because she is almost three months pregnant. I really don’t know what to do with my mother and my girlfriend threatening to kill each other if I don’t do things their different ways. This girl is very faithful, honest and has all the qualities I have ever wanted in a woman. She gives me peace and understands me most times more than I do myself. Besides, since she came into my life, I have experienced tremendous progress. Her coming unlocked so many progressive doors for me.

I am so confused and helpless about everything. Much as I love her, I don’t want to have mentally unstable children.

Paul.

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Dear Paul,

What is your relationship with God like? Do you belief in Him at all or the fact that there is nothing He cannot do? He is the author of everything, here on Earth and in Heaven. All powers bow to Him. Nothing escapes His knowledge and only allows most things happen to glorify His name in our lives.

We perish due to lack of knowledge and appreciation of who our God is. If you are in the right wavelength with God, you will know without being told that there is no problem under heaven that has no antidote because all powers and weapons used by the kingdom of darkness submit to the names and potency of God, the alpha and omega.

Your mother doesn’t have to die because you desire to marry the woman of your choice. All she has to understand and appreciate is that where God resides, no power of darkness can prevail. Assure your parents that they would have healthy grandchildren, ones they would always be proud of and that whatever powers that hold the family of your girlfriend captive, can be defeated by the mere mention of Jesus Christ.

But for you to convince her, you must have a relationship first with God. You must have an encounter with Him personally to appreciate that there is nothing He cannot do or problem He has no answer to.

First make peace with God by praying to Him and asking to be forgiven of all your sin. There after, recognise and accept Him as your God before asking for Help in your affairs. Entrusting Him with this problem means He would send you to the right persons He has prepared to help you overcome this challenge.

Your solution cannot come from persons who know what the problem is but have no knowledge of what to do. If the spiritualist were that powerful, he or she wouldn’t have dashed your hope of a chance to be happy by telling you this problem has no solution.

This is what happens when one goes to the wrong source for a solution. You end up more confused and with a larger container of issues, which never were before.

If your sister had taken you to a real man of God, not only would the source of the problem be revealed by the spirit of God, but the ways to break whatever covenant entered into by their ancestors.

To have told you it has no cure is to admit to failure in the diagnoses as well as lack of competence to do what he or she is doing.

Competence comes from knowledge and willingness to defend it at all times.

What your woman and her family need is a strong deliverance session. We all come with different foundational problems. Yours may be worse than hers but through the blood of Jesus yokes get broken and freedom given to those whose fate and progress have been imprisoned by certain human beings.

Only a higher power can eject these powers our ancestors or some of us go to unknowingly. In most cases these powers get invited into families out of ignorance. Someone from their past may have done this out of desperation or some wicked people did it to stigmatise them out of envy. Unless God speaks His words of supremacy into the situation, such powers never let go.

If you love this girl as you claim to and the fact that she is already carrying your baby; concern yourself with helping her and her family get out of this spiritual dilemma. This is something you have to do on your own.

Involving your sister or friends could cause more complications, as things said during these deliverance sessions may be amplified to create further mischief for you.

While the deliverance is taking place, enmesh yourself in prayers and fasting to complete the process as well as to get your parents to soften their hard-line posture.

Because of the forces involved, you cannot win this battle on your own or rely on physical wisdom. The forces too could come from your own side; a force determined to deny you joy and peace with the woman God has ordained for you.

These forces also know with her by your side, the sky is just your starting point hence are determined to use whatever forces abide in her side of the family to force you into leaving her so that they can effectively lock all the doors her peculiar luck seems to have opened for you.

For this reason, you must be extremely careful you don’t end up losing more than the woman.

It takes more than mere proclamation for true love to happen. Love is about selflessness and belief in that special thing which is not seen but felt deep in the heart.

What is the character of your love for this girl? Love takes more than physical investment to giving of that thing which is priceless to you. Had you married her before the medical condition of her brother became manifest, would you or your family have asked her to go? Would you have divorced her on account of you not wanting your children to inherit the same spiritual problem?

Now that she is pregnant, what happens to that child? Would your family insist on rejecting the baby as well as its mother?

For you to be the only surviving son of your family also shows yours isn’t a family without spiritual challenges which if investigated by ordained men of God could be worse than the one this girl and her family are being prosecuted for by your family.

Since your sister seem to have a lot of influence over your parents, still go to her and plead with her to understand your situation especially against the background of the coming baby. Let her know once again the many positive changes the presence of this girl has brought into your life and how sad you would be if she leaves.

Also let her know that you have no intentions of aborting the child and if children between you are what they are trying to prevent, it is already too late.

This is the time you must make your stand known on how much this girl means to you. To sit on the fence is to cause yourself a lot of damage and harm.

Just learn to trust God. It is all you need to be happy.

Good luck.

About Me...

Some call her the ‘love doctor’, others describe her as an ‘authoritative life support’, yet to thousands of newspaper and magazine readers within and outside Nigeria, she is simply ‘Auntie Agatha’. Agatha Edo is an award-winning relationship advisor, life coach, columnist and conference speaker whose influence spans over 20 years of superior advice to innumerable groups of people. Or how else does one describe a career that has seen her take delivery of over 50,000 letters in just five years?


From a humble beginning as a columnist (Share A Problem) with Punch newspapers, Agatha’s passion for helping people overcome personal and relationship challenges led her to Daily Independent newspapers where her column assisted the latter clinch the prestigious NMMA Newspaper of The Year Award twice within three years.


Her desire to translate her passion for Relationship and Life Management from print to live consulting, several years ago, resulted in the birth of SHARE A PROBLEM CONSULT. Since its inception, this volunteer organisation has effectively counselled over 10,000 people from all walks of life. SHARE A PROBLEM CONFERENCE, the relationship/life management summit she hosts, boasts of overflowing capacity halls.

Auntie Agatha has several recognitions and awards to her name. Just recently, she won the Uncommon Man Role Model Award for 2008.

Testimonials

Uzo wrote:

Dear Agatha,

You published my article on June 15.

My father eventually allowed me to travel to Ghana to visit my husband through the help of my uncle that came to visit us.

I am glad I went to Ghana because my husband was almost a stranger to me. I really appreciate your words of advice.

Thanks.

Click here for the original article.

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Charles Tade wrote:

Dear Agatha,

I must confess you are a God sent. We have heard so much of Oprah and Dr. Phil, but I can tell you from my personal experience that they are not doing half of what you are doing to keep together thousands of homes and distress souls.

I cannot imagine how you accumulate all this wisdom. You published my concern on the above topic few weeks back, and I can tell you that putting all your advice into play, things have really changed in my home for good.

To start with, I took my wife on romantic ocean cruise holiday for 10 days, even though we went with the kids, we were able to secure the help of my mother-in-law to mind the kids while we escaped to have some quality time together. It was at that point we both realised that the tension we are having is due to the long time we put into work as well as the care of the home without allocating time for the two people that matter most in a home, us. We realised that though we were living under the same roof, we had created a wide gap between ourselves.

I am glad to report that things have really improved between us after the holidays. Actually, the best holiday we have had in four years and plan to carve out specific time for ourselves and arrange for more holidays in months to come.

Thank you for all your help to humanity, and hope you keep doing what you know best. I will love to catch up with you whenever I am in the country, it will be a wonderful thing to meet you in person. Planning on coming home in a few months time. Once again, thank you.

Click here for the original article.

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What's New?

An update of new features on the blog...

• 01.10.09: Owing to unavoidable circumstances, there will be no Friday edition of Auntie Agatha's articles in the newspaper and hence on the blog too till further notice. Sorry for the inconveniences.
  
  
• 27.04.09: Illustrative cartoons now a feature of articles

• 06.02.09: Blog officially opened to the public, powered by google, created by sidiabale.
  

Frequently Asked Questions

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• To learn more about Auntie Agatha, please read her "About Me" article.

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• Honestly it is really difficult if not impossible to give a response time. Suffice it to say that Auntie Agatha will do her best to respond to your question as soon as possible. You are advised to subscribe to receive daily digests of new posts in your email box or feed reader. Details on how to subscribe may be found below.

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5. How do I make comments on articles?

• You no longer need to email your comments to Auntie Agatha. Simply go the the article you want to comment on. You will find a link at the bottom of the article that reads "X Comments" where "X" is the number of comments on that article so far. Click the link and you will redirected to a window where you can post a comment. Yes, it's that simple!
  
  
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• Similar to adding comments, you can rate articles. To do this, go to the bottom of the article which you'd like to rate and check one of the boxes under the heading "Reactions"
  

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7. How can I submit a testimonial?

• Auntie Agatha would be very glad to hear your testimonials on how the advice she gave you helped you to handle your situation wisely or otherwise. Negative testimonials will not be rejected either; instead they could help improve the quality of advice given to another person.
  
  
• Don't only be on the receiving end... Use the contact form to post your testimonial. To view Testimonials till date, click here.
  

Three Babies Gone At Birth Over My Man’s Pre-marital Deals

Dear Agatha,

I need urgent help. Five years ago, I met my husband. Right from the first day, I knew he was the right man for me. Although a lot of people kicked against our relationship on the premise I was too innocent for his wild ways, I was determined to go ahead with the relationship.

It wasn’t long for me to know he was a chronic womaniser not because he kept dating them but as a result of the number of hostile females I had to contend with. Our first year together was tough as many of his ex-girlfriends fought tooth and nail to get him back.

One of them was particularly hostile. She employed all sorts of tricks to ensure we went our different ways. But we were able to defend our love as well as protect it from all the different challenges we were encountering.

We got married two years after we met. I got pregnant almost immediately but I lost the child at birth. The same thing happened with our second and third children. I always lose them during labour.

When it happened the second time, I decided to try another doctor. The same thing happened. None of the doctors can say categorically why I kept losing my babies at birth.

My husband was always supportive assuring me that the child meant to be ours would stay but I noticed my in-laws, precisely my mother-in-law was getting impatient. When I lost my third baby she stopped short of calling me a witch. She told my husband that I was responsible for the deaths of my children because of a covenant I sealed with my spirit husband.

Initially, my husband protected my innocence but he must have yielded to his mother because I noticed tremendous negative changes in his behaviour. He became violent and took to beating me whenever I questioned the change in him. It got to a point he stopped coming home for a whole week. He also stopped giving me housekeeping money. It was his young brother staying with us that took to giving me money as well as encouraging me to stay on. When my brothers came to take me away from his house after a particularly violent attack, it was his brother who intervened on his behalf. My brothers listened to him because of the role he played during the attack. But for him, my husband would have killed me. He fought his brother on my behalf, a situation, which led to his brother and mother accusing him and I of having a relationship.

My husband insisted his brother left his house but my father in-law whose property it was insisted his younger son stayed. He also went to beg my family to ignore my husband and his mother.

According to my father-in-law, the source of my problem would soon be revealed. My people had no choice but to allow me stay on.

My fourth pregnancy was really a miracle. It happened on one of those rare moments my husband came home and practically forced me to make love with him. I didn’t want to because I was still very sore but I had no choice that night.

I didn’t even know I was pregnant until three months after. When I told him, he asked of what use is the pregnancy since I would again eat up the baby in the labour room.

I was very upset but I ignored him and instead concentrated on the prayers given me by my new pastor, a close friend of my brother-in-law. My husband wasn’t around most of the time so didn’t know when I went into labour.

He also didn’t know all the prayer warriors were with me at the hospital from the minute I went into labour. This time I didn’t have a stillbirth. The baby and I had to fast for the first 12 hours after birth. Fortunately, the medical doctor too was very religious and was around to ensure compliance.

Two hours before our 12 hours fast was to expire, I went into a sort of trance. I saw the lady who gave me the most fight of all my husband’s ex-girlfriends, come into the ward with a knife with which she intended stabbing my baby but she ran away when she saw a massive angel with a golden sword in his hands who warned her to stay away if she didn’t want her child to die.

I woke up from the trance and relayed it to my brother-in-law and the pastor who were with me in the ward. They too had seen similar visions.

The next two hours were spent praying.

I was discharged the following day and since there was no way of contacting my husband, he didn’t get to know until a day to the child’s naming ceremony when he returned purportedly from Ghana.

On the day of the ceremony, his ex-girlfriend came with a two-year-old daughter and right in the presence of everyone, she announced my husband as the father after which she became mad.

My father-in-law insisted on the ceremony and celebration going ahead.

It was after the whole ceremony; I got to know that my mother-in-law was behind the re-union of this woman and my husband after she threatened to expose my mother-in-law’s involvement with their occult world.

This lady killed my babies at birth.

But my problem now is, looking after their love child and forgiving my mother-in-law and my husband. My husband is begging forgiveness. How can I forgive him; forget how he almost killed me or how much he made me suffer for something I know nothing of? How can I look after this child without remembering all I went through in the hands of her mother? What if the spirit of her mother enters into her and she tries to harm my baby?

I am all so confused. Please help me.

Adebimpe.

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Dear Adebimpe,

Haven’t you learnt anything from this whole experience? When God fights, His victory is total. You are today a mother through His grace and mercy. A lot of women in your shoes are still under the heavy yoke of the devil because they are yet to get the type of mercy God granted you.

If God is so merciful to free you from the bondage you were placed in by the combination of your mother-in-law and this other woman, why are you fearful of anybody being capable of hurting you again?

The only thing that would prevent you from savouring this victory as well as stop this advantage you have over your enemies is not to forgive your enemies. One of the best weapons in life is to learn the art of unconditional forgiveness. Irrespective of what anybody does; the harm as well as the pains they bring into one’s life, the law of God is a simple one; forgive. It doesn’t cost a penny but gives one an enormous strength to do the incredible and be right with God.

You got this far, not because you are without sins but because God did the unusual with you; forgave you all your past sins as well as faults. Think, haven’t you done two or three things you are not proud off in the past, something you are too ashamed of, you don’t want anyone to ever get to know about?

Your mother-in-law and your husband’s ex may have caused you incredible pains, denied you of holding and nursing your three children; but think, did they really make these children die? If you know God the way you should, you will know that nobody has the powers to take life. It happens only if God allows it for a reason; yes they may have desired to hurt you in the only way they know how but only God in His unquestionable wisdom made it happen.

He did it to exalt His name in your life. Your new baby, the support of your father and brother-in-laws as well as what happened to the his ex are all patterned to give you strength as well as edge over your enemies. You didn’t do this on your own. You did through the support and glory of God.

What you owe Him is to give your support for His glory to continue to manifest in your life.

Allow the girl a place in your heart and home. She needs you now that she has lost her mother and stability. Remember she is an innocent party in all of these. She didn’t ask to be born; she didn’t ask her mother or grandmother to do what they both did; for that matter she didn’t have a say in who became her mother or not.

So why punish her for something she or you can never change?

We can only change a present and future we know but not a past we have little or no control over. Many of us would have chosen different parents or relations had we the powers or say in the matter.

However, you can help give her a positive future if you invest love into her. It is the only way your fears concerning her would not materialise. She doesn’t have to have a wicked mother to harm your child if you insist on being wicked to her or treat her like house-help in her father’s house.

She would grow to become your child if you get it right from the beginning by giving her a large space in your heart to grow up, make mistakes as well as love you. I know sometimes it can be difficult to let go of some painful memories but you just must do that because it is the only option you have.

It is also the least you can do for the support and encouragement of your father and brother-in-laws. They had a choice of not supporting you but did. Though you also have the choice of being hostile and rejecting this child but do it for the sake of God whom you daily pray to.

Good luck.

Met Him Via Phone Chat, Can He Be Trusted?

Dear Agatha,

I have been dating this guy for two months now though I have never seen him. We are only communicating by phone. The whole thing actually started this way. I met his brother on ••africhat•• and we started talking. He asked me to be his girlfriend, but I declined on the ground that I don’t love him.

He later gave me his brother's number to reach him since his phone had a problem. I started talking to his brother and we became good friends. In the process, we became attracted to each other. So, when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I wasn't surprised. I accepted his proposal. This led to both brothers having a disagreement but my boyfriend says he doesn't mind. He says he loves me and I know I love him too.  But my problem is how can I fall in love with someone I have not seen? How can I be sure he isn't cheating and won't cheat on me? 

It happens that guys seem to be attracted to me a lot and from what he tells me, girls also fall at his feet. I know that I can be faithful to him, but I am not sure of him. Agatha, despite the fact that I have not seen him, I really love him.  I don't know what to do.

Please help.

Onyeka.

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Dear Onyeka,

First things first, you owe his brother certain explanations. Granted, there was nothing you could have done to stop the way you feel about his brother, whom you have never met. You must do everything within your powers to ensure both brothers get back on the friendly lane.

The younger brother has every right to feel bad because he gave you the link. If he hadn’t, you wouldn’t have met his brother through the phone.

Yes, you may have told him of your disinterest in him but how do you expect him to react to you and his brother, one you have not seen, dating? As a woman, wishing to be part of the family, your responsibility goes beyond what you feel for your boyfriend. You should be concerned about the problems between the two brothers. How you handle it would go a long way in assuring the younger brother, especially, of your importance to the family.

You must also remember these two are brothers, with history and family ties you don’t have yet with your boyfriend. The euphoria of a new and rather strange love may make him say all sorts of things but when it comes to the bare essentials, don’t be surprised he may not be so vocal against his brother.

And with the strange way you are kick-starting this relationship, you need a lot of supports from within to give you the necessary assurance of the rightness of your choice. Also, he is in a position to put a big damper on your relationship with his brother if he is that sort of persons that see nothing wrong in making up stories about other people. An injured mind is one that has to be courted, smoothed as well as nursed to full recovery.

Go, if there is any way you can get him to talk. You need to explain to him all over again why you can’t date him. He has to know that it takes a different kind of chemistry for two people to feel right about each other. At the meeting, beg him to understand and to give you and his brother the support to be happy together. Solicit his friendship. Make it appear as if you really need his blessing as well as support to make it happen with his brother. At one time or the other in our lives, we always want to be given certain level of recognition. In this instance, do it for the sake of your happiness as well as the harmony of the two brothers.

On the issue of falling in love with someone you haven’t seen physically, well, anything can happen between two people. Love doesn’t have to follow a familiar pattern for it to be established. This is where the mystery of God reigns supreme in the affairs of men. When God means for anything to happen, He does it without apologies to known laws or familiar patterns. That is why He is God. He is unquestionable and unanswerable to you and me.

If this is the way He has chosen for you to meet your ideal man, who are you or I to complain or condemn?

Everything is right and marvelous in His sight, so accept him and learn to trust him, as you would with any other man you are meeting in the conventional way.

To understand your feelings best, ask yourself why him and not the brother you have seen or all the other men throwing themselves at your feet. What makes him different from all the others to have gotten you to consider him at all?

Your reasons for falling for him lies in the mystery of your answer. Most times, love doesn’t happen on the strength of a person’s look, it takes more than that. It takes, most of the time, certain things we don’t even know, something that has no name but which keeps holding us back until it meets the person it desires the most.

His voice must have committed the right signal to that secret force inside of you to make you open up your heart to him.

When things like this happen, the best option is not to fight it but to allow it flow naturally.

But that doesn’t mean you both should not make the effort to grow the relationship beyond telephone conversation. Make arrangements to meet, no matter how complex the logistic of doing so is. Both of you must show a commitment to be serious about each other, support your love to fulfillment through deliberate planning of your options as well as merging your dreams.

There is no way you can merge and grow your dreams if you limit it to just telephone conversation. You must be able to recognise each other physically when you meet on the road. There is still no alternative for inter-personal relationship. Love is a very personal thing and cannot effectively be realised without both of you seeing what the other looks like.

All the fears about unfaithfulness, deceit can only be tackled if both of you get to meet and discuss as two people who like each other and want to make something out of the relationship.

Good luck. 

How Do I Wrest Myself Free From Masturbation?

Dear Agatha,

Please I am a guy who has taken to the habit of masturbation. What do you think about it and what effect is it likely to have on my sperm count as a man? Please advice me.

Maxwell.

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Dear Maxwell,

Masturbation is self-stimulation engineered to cause sexual sensations or satisfactions. It is a habit in most people that started in their teenage years. Mostly a problem with men, insecurity and lack of confidence to approach a member of the opposite sex begins this process of self-expression.

For women, lack of sexual satisfaction as well as fear of getting pregnant are mostly the reason young girls take to self-expressions.

It connotes a person manipulating his or her genitals to the point of intense pleasure or orgasm. Although many health providers say there is nothing wrong with the practice, however, once the excitement dies down, guilt and or shame takes over.

A survey on the subject suggests that approximately 94 percent of teenage males and about 70 percent of teen females have at one time or the other done it and are still tempted to do it.

Even though like all sexual habits, masturbation falls under the taboos, sexuality experts are of the view that people who masturbate tend to function better sexually when with a partner because the act of masturbation has given them full knowledge of body secrets. Therefore they know precisely how to direct their partners to fulfillments. 

Despite what most people think, masturbation appears to be a normal as well as healthy way to get sexual satisfaction. It is one that is safe and does not run the risks of pregnancy, STDs or incompatible sexual preferences.

From available facts, masturbation does not have to diminish the experience of intercourse because for many people, it is not a one or the other concept or reality. For most people, orgasm from intercourse is less intense because their own masturbation pattern differs from the sensation of arousal or response when they are with someone.

For women, in particular, the pleasure from masturbation is more intense than both the experience of intercourse and orgasm through intercourse, for different reasons. During intercourse, while a woman experiences closeness, tenderness, and lust, she does not usually get the stimulation on her clitoris that she is used to or familiar with from masturbation. This is neither good nor bad.

To ensure sex remains a unity tool between a man and woman; particularly as its affects the foundation of a good marriage, despite the pleasures individuals get from self-stimulations, partners should teach each other how to give pleasures in other ways. When partners combine their knowledge of what they have learnt about their sexuality through masturbation; they can help each other achieve an unimaginable height of satisfaction. This is the area sex becomes evolving and patented to suit individual needs.

The only negative effects against masturbation remain our moral and religious values. This is the point sexual satisfactions give way to other considerations, which are totally alien in the bedroom. The anxiety of our moral and religious beliefs bring with it a lot of issues which include the propriety of engaging in an act created to be performed by a member of the opposite sex. With this comes low confidence and very low self-esteem which all have direct bearing on our performance as well as ability to give pleasure. Your fears about being able to produce healthy sperms in the future following your dependence on masturbation are natural but lack enough grounds and medical support.

So, the issue of whether it would affect the quality of your sperm in the future doesn’t arise at all. This is because masturbation is generally not physically harmful. Frequent masturbation does not reduce your sperm count nor does it affect your ability to achieve an erection. Younger men may be able to get an erection and ejaculate every day. But as men get older, their ability to achieve daily erections may decline. This is a factor of age and has nothing to do with the frequency of masturbation. Also, there is no evidence that frequency of masturbation affects a man's ability to produce sperm.

As a matter of fact the more often a man ejaculates the more sperms he produces. Most experts would recommend masturbation as a normal part of sexual life because it has its positive effect on the quality of sex.

However, it could be a problem if the act is always enveloped in guilt. This comes from public moral perception on the issue of masturbation. Boys who generally masturbate will develop guilty feelings that what he is doing may not be correct and it may affect him later in his married life. Such feelings over a long period of time may create a low confidence and may lead to impotence. Men especially who engage in the act have a tendency to finish it up quickly before anybody catches them in the act. So, the period of erection is reduced, and if this has become the practice over time, it follows that during intercourse, he would ejaculate early.

After a while, this becomes a huge problem. Some people get addiction to this masturbation, such that after marriage also they get more satisfaction in masturbation than the actual intercourse and lose interest in sex.

Even if they do have sex, they find it difficult to beat the habit as they continue to masturbate, which in the end could lead to major marital problems.

Whatever you decide on, ensure you are on top of the situation at all times. If you are the type that cannot control your urges of self-stimulations, the best bet for you now is to begin to cut down on your habits, as your woman may not take kindly to competing with this practice of yours when she demands for your time and attention.

It is always imperative you ask yourself why you went into it. Knowing the why would help you map out the how of getting out of it. There is no way you can help yourself beat the habit if you cannot control your emotions.

Good luck.