My Husband Is Adamant

Dear Agatha,

This situation is a little bit tricky for me. My husband wants my 18-year-old daughter to marry the son of his business associate to cement a business deal.

According to my husband, the deal will change our lives forever and would afford my daughter the opportunity of travelling abroad since the man lives there.

The problem, the man in question is 40 years of age, has two wives here in Nigeria before he relocated to the United States. These wives and their five children stay with his father in Nigeria.

I have tried to persuade my husband against this arrangement but his mind is made up and he has vowed to deal with anybody who stands in his way. Not even his mother who tried to intervene on behalf of my daughter would he pay heed.

As part of the deal, his business partner has already given him a new jeep as well as a promise to transfer to him through my daughter one of his houses in Apapa.

Agatha, I am helpless because twice my daughter has tried to commit suicide but for the mercy of God. I have been warned in the church not to allow my daughter into the marriage because of the immense danger that awaits her.

His mother too gave my husband similar message but every warning has fallen on deaf ears.

Since meeting this man, my husband’s attitude has changed, so much so he doesn’t attend church services anymore. He goes out all night and comes back in the early hours of the morning with the explanation that he had to attend business meetings.

Initially, I thought it was another woman but with his insistence that my daughter marries a man old enough to be her father as his third wife is giving me goose pimples. I have this feeling that my daughter is being led to the sacrificial table.

To cap it all the man in question has not bothered to call my daughter once despite the fact that the wedding is expected to take place on October 25. Only his father and my husband are making all the arrangements. Strangely too is the fact that this man has no wife of his own staying with him, except for the two daughters-in-law. Two of his wives have passed on and the other two live outside his home with their children. When I pointed this out to my husband, he told me to mind my business.

I don’t know what to do or what has suddenly come over him to make him now more interested in wealth than his family or his religious beliefs.

Recently when the pastor came to talk to him about this, he told the man of God to leave his house and to forget he has a member in him or in his family.

Having followed your column passionately, you are my last hope because frankly I am down spiritually with all these problems.

Please help me because I have a strong premonition that might daughter’s life is in danger.

My mother has said I should bring the children to the village to stay with her. Is it wise? Please help me because I’m confused.

Funmilola.

 

---

Dear Funmilola,

A drastic situation demands drastic action not because they are the most reasonable but the most logical at the time.

If this situation demands you ferry the girl out of the house to protect her from the unknown danger lurking in the corner, don’t hesitate to do it. The powers controlling your husband will not make him see reasons until it is too late.

And this is certainly not the time for you to be confused or weary in the spirit. This is a time you need God the most.

You need to be strong for your husband and family. From all that you have said, it is obvious your husband is under certain influences beyond his control. These authorities are making him misbehave. For him to have driven the pastor out of his house speaks volume of what is happening to his spiritual life.

To be weary is to give in to these powers too and give up the peace and harmony of your family to them. No matter how heavily weighed down you are by this problem, pray you must because God is the only one that has all the powers in heaven and earth to defeat forces you and I as human beings cannot confront, let alone battle.

Also, your daughter should wake up and fight for her life. Attempting suicide is a very cowardly thing to do. It won’t get her father to listen to her nor would it change the cause of things. The only thing that can is to confront her situation with prayers.

Yes, whatever happens to her would affect you being her mother but she would suffer the major consequences. It is her life that is being toyed with. At 18, she isn’t too naive not to know what awaits her if this wedding goes through.

Let her join you in the praying herself out of this situation because this is the beginning of a foundational problem she and her children may never get out of.

Marriage itself is a covenant between two people and when the reason for it is shrouded in mystery as profound as the ones surrounding this one, it calls for real caution because once performed the covenant of oneness, inheritance of every other positive or negative covenants begin to work in the lives of the couples as an entity.

Whatever binds the wife or man with other agreements spill over to the other party. This is why you and your daughter must fight this through God Himself because if even she survives, like the other wives, she would never be able to live a normal life.

There is something wrong with a man who drives away his own wife and inherits his son’s wives.

Ordinarily, your husband should be worried about this man and the nature of his business but since he has chosen to ignore this important issue because of his own interest in the man’s wealth, he lacks the moral will to make a decision on this matter. You must therefore step into his shoes and protect him and the entire family by calling a family meeting outside him on how the situation can be managed.

Since his mother too is against his decision, it would be easy to rally your in-laws to support your decision to send your daughter away for now. Confront them with evidences of your fears, information about the man, his son and all the other women that have been married to either the man or his son. Even if they know about the change in your husband’s attitude, still recount everything to them for them to really appreciate the issues involved. Let the decision of where to send your daughter come from them because you need them to cushion whatever repercussion would come from the decision.

The girl in question is more of their daughter than yours hence the essence of gaining their support for your actions.

But before anything, go to God in prayers. He would show you how to go about it and please get the pastor and the entire church to stand in gap for you because the battle ahead might affect your own marriage as well.

It takes the grace of God to engage the devil in a duel of victory. So put on the armour of God to save your family from the cloud of doom that is gathering against its happiness and peace. Wealth without God’s blessing will not bring peace and joy. This is the point that is lost on your husband, which only God can give him the knowledge of.

Good luck.

 

I Can’t Forgive My Husband

Dear Agatha,

How does one forgive and forget the image of your husband making love to his mistress on his office table?

It happened 18 months ago when I walked into my husband’s office unannounced. I didn’t go to his office intentionally but my car developed a mechanical problem when I was coming back home from the shop. It was getting very late; workers were homebound so the bus stops were filled with commuters waiting for buses.

Since his office wasn’t too far and I, not up to waiting endlessly at the bus stops for either a bus or taxi, I decided to go to his office so we could go home together.

The house-help and my mother were at home so I didn’t have to worry about the children.

Looking back now, I regret not taking the bus option because it could have saved me the emotional stress these past months.

When I didn’t see the secretary, I thought she had closed so I walked into my husband’s office expecting to see his happy surprised face.

Till date, I am still to come to terms with the scene I met.

In fairness to him, he has done everything to appease me; including reporting the matter to our pastor. Everybody has pleaded with me to forgive him but I simply cannot bring myself to. Since that unfortunate night, I have refused to sleep with him or share our bedroom. I have moved my things into the children’s room.

Now the issue is, he might have resumed dating other women because unlike when we first started having problems, when he came home early and stayed with us throughout the weekend, in the last couple of weeks, he has taken to coming home late.

I also noticed he has not been eating at home too.

My mother who has also noticed the dramatic change in him is blaming me for pushing him too far. She has never supported my treatment of him; insisting it is the way of men.

He is 40 while I am 35.

I really don’t know what to do or forget that scene. The scene has become more vivid as I wait in my room each night to hear the sound of his footsteps when he comes home.

I still love him despite everything but I am still very hurt.

Ebunoluwa.

---

Dear Ebunoluwa,

If you love this man, your home and children, you would have since forgiven him for his betrayal of your love.

There is no questioning the fact that he hurt you beyond measure; betrayed the trust of your love and marriage but to deny him sex for 18 months is taking his punishment too far.

In a heart that has love, forgiveness comes very easily. You are unable to delete the image from your mind because you have refused to allow yourself feel love for him. You have put on hold all those things that bring you happiness and forgotten how it all started.

Even in the world of fairy tales, there is always a period of pain, disappointment, sacrifice as well as forgiveness. In life, there is always a period when one person must do all the planting while the other seem to be doing all the harvesting.

That you found him in the arms of another woman doesn’t make him less of your husband or the love he feels for you inferior. Men have the habit of acting first when it comes to the issue of sex and women before thinking. This is because they get stimulated by the things they see while most women get moved by touch.

Yes, it is no excuse for what he has done but so also is the extent you have gone. Leaving him wild in the cold for that long has turned the table against you.

And if you are not careful, you would be held responsible for driving him out of your home. Honestly, there is no way you can defend keeping him out of your bed for this long. He may have done what many women consider unpardonable but only the insane would applaud what you are doing.

There is no way you can remain under his roof and deny him access to your body. It is either you quit his home if you cannot bring yourself to accepting him back or bury the incident and take him back fully into your life. There are no half measures to marital problems. Once a couple decides not to end the marriage, all efforts must be applied to make it work, move it beyond the point of crisis to the point of breakthrough. 

The danger of this moment in your marriage is the risk of losing him to another woman completely. Do yourself a favour by moving back into your room. The pains of fighting the other woman for supremacy of his heart would be too much for you to handle because once he finds the peace and satisfaction he isn’t getting from you, he would find it difficult to let go due to fear of the possibility of you not completely forgiving him.

You are his wife so do everything possible to bring him back home. There is no marriage without problems and if you must know, you don’t have the patent on the situation you are going through. It is one of the oldest problems women all over the world daily contend with. It is a problem that cuts across, race, religion, status and tribe. Not even wives of servants of God are insured from this agony.

It contributes to over 99 per cent of all marital problems. As a result many women have learnt to endure it, not because it is right but for the simple reason of not conceding your home to another woman.

Think, whose interest would it be if you refuse to forgive him? Yours or his? Painful as this may sound, he is the one having all the fun at your expense. Sex is not a weapon a woman can use effectively. It’s usefulness as a weapon of punishment is rendered ineffective because the man can always go outside to catch his fun. The punishment only exists for the woman since she dare not go outside her home for it.

Tell me the truth, have you enjoyed not being able to express your feelings, feel the comfort of his hands and body? Have you also not suffered the deprivation of not having him close to you especially on cold nights? If you are honest, you have also suffered greatly because your marriage has neither hit the rocks nor are you a widow.

You have feelings too; feelings that need him just as much as he needs you.

You must act fast because he has gone beyond the stage of caution or respect for your feelings. If you push him any further, he might call your bluff completely and bring the other woman in. Then it would be too late to fight because he has given you all the time in the world to forgive him. Some men wouldn’t even bother to wait that long before jumping back on the train of infidelity.

The day you move back, send him a text message inviting him to come home early. Give him a good dinner and follow up with a re-union he would never forget. After 18 months, he deserves the very best of you.

It is only after you have him back, you can now tell him all about your pain and disappointment at his attitude.

When a man strays, you don’t beat him back into line through force. You can only conquer the situation through unconditional love and forgiveness.

Demand for God’s wisdom to succeed in your marriage.

Good luck.

My Husband Beats Me

Dear Agatha,

My husband takes delight in beating me up at the slightest excuse.

We have been married for 15 years but the beatings haven’t stopped because he says I am very stubborn, rude and a nag.

I don’t know how to stop him from embarrassing me in the neighborhood.

These days, he doesn’t even bother to come up from work. He comes in very late at night when the children would all be asleep. He drops enough money for the upkeep of the home and ensures his children never lack anything but he is never there when they need him.

The weekends are even worse. He practically runs away from the home only to call the children on phone to ask them about their school, health and all the rest.

And when I complain, he accuses me of being a nag. I am naturally a hot-tempered person so when he dismisses my opinion I get angry but is it enough reason for him to turn me into his punching bag? Refusing me the equal partnership we promised each other at our wedding?

Agatha, is this what marriage is about? The man making all the rules while the woman gets beating into submission like everyone else is insisting I do?

My parents and siblings think my marital problems would be minimised if I am a little bit submissive but what about him learning to respect my feelings and views? Is it responsible for him to be running away from his home or beat me up each time I accost him?

Please help me because my marriage has been nothing but a huge disappointment and a living hell. Funny enough, even my daughter and son think I am the problem in their lives. I fail to see anything I am doing wrong hence my confusion at the accusations against me.

What do you think I am doing wrong? Since you are not involved in this, your opinion is essential. Please help me.

Disappointed Wife.

 

---

Dear Disappointed Wife,

A lot of things are wrong with your attitude towards your marriage, home and husband. The first mistake is your conception of marriage being equal partnership between a man and woman.

No! God didn’t design marriage that way. In every organised setting, there must be a leader; one whose duty it is to lead the pack, set an agenda and take responsibility for the team.

Granted, the head only symbolises all the ideas of the members of the team; if the other members of the team is made up of people who refuse to recognise the essence of having a person at the helm of affairs, refuse to give recognition to the importance of that position, think they have the same rights and influence as the leader, that team, no matter how good the individuals are would end up being a colossal failure for its inability to give respect to its leader.

Even where members feel short-charged by the leader or feel the leader is too hard-handed, rudeness and disrespect for the office of that person would not achieve any meaningful result.

First, recognise the fact that your husband is the head of your home. There is no way you can get him to listen to you and value your opinion if you continue to show disrespect for his person and headship of the home. The fact that a woman leaves her family; drops her birth identity and picks up the name and identity of the man’s family is enough evidence that marriage isn’t an equal partnership. In an acquisition, the stronger organisation swallows the name and fortune of the weaker one. Marriage works on this same principle. Irrespective of whether a woman is more educated, prominent or comes from a prestigious family, at marriage she must submit herself to the name and authority of her husband. Failure to do this always ends in trouble for the union.

It would not take anything away from you if you learn to give your husband the respect he deserves as the man in your life, head of your home and father of your children. Being your husband, he is too important a factor in your life to be treated with disdain.

If he is beating you, it is only because you give him reason to. Not all men can endure rudeness or know how to ignore nagging and very disrespectful wives. Yes, he is wrong to beat you, but if this man were your child, refusing to accede to your authority and according you no respect deserving of your position as mother, what would you do?

Like your husband you would also be moved to use whatever means, including beating to get the child to submit to your authority.

To get a very balanced view of how your husband feels each time you insult, nag or disrespect him, mirror your children or a younger member of your family doing the same thing to you. The feelings of rage, pain and desire to hit at the person are precisely what your husband feels each time you give him the harsh side of your tongue.

That you are his wife doesn’t make the pain less. As a matter of fact, being his better half, your role in his life is to cloth him in the areas of his weakness in the secret of your room. In that place you can fight him, give him the other side of your tongue and still kiss him passionately in public without anybody knowing the struggle you both had gone through privately.

Marriage is about playing the fool most times to get what one wants. If he is not coming home, it is only because you are not giving him the incentives to come home to. Rather than endure your rudeness to the point of beating you, he would prefer to stay in the company that gives him the most joy. I sincerely hope you don’t push him into the waiting arms of a mistress because like all the other women who have made this mistake, getting him to come back to you may not be easy or achievable if a child comes in between them.

If you haven’t considered this, it would do you a world of good to begin to think along this line because by then it won’t just be violence you would be complaining about but his total refusal to even come home to you, or function even as part-time father to his children.

You may think you are currently indifferent to him as a person; wait until another woman threatens to take your place. It is then you would realise how important to you he is. So, don’t leave it too late for both of you to sit down to discuss as adults positive ways to go round your problem.

Sincerely, if you continue with your righteous approach to this issue, I fear nothing much may be achieved. You must first acknowledge your own contributions to the current development between you two. Stop focusing on the end result of what you failed to do from the beginning. I am sure, he didn’t start out by beating you. Something must have instigated this. Can you be honest to admit it has anything to do with your attitude?

Make a determination not to nag. After 15 years of marriage, experience ought to have taught about the necessity of changing your approach to issues. Learn to apply wisdom by refusing to behave typically. Even if he comes in with the determination to beat you, refuse to fall for his bait. Talk to him respectfully and importantly, give him his food on time, ask him about his day, give him time to cool off before approaching him with an issue, you are most likely to get a better response from him. Only a mad man would pounce on his wife without any reason to.

By the time he notices a remarkable difference in your behaviour, his attitude towards you would also change.

When it comes to saving a marriage from pain and collapse, pride and stubbornness should be buried.

Good luck. 

I’m Single At 44

Dear Agatha,

I was 44 early this year. Despite having several relationships when I was young and even till now, I am still unmarried.

All my friends are married with grown up children. Some of these children are already in the university. All my sisters are equally married. The last girl got married three years ago and already has two children.

Before my mother died, she never ceased to worry about my lack of marriage proposals. I think worries about me might have contributed to her death because she and I were very close. Being the first child, I became her strength when my father died. I practically had to step into my father’s shoes of providing for the family as no member of my father’s family showed any interest in our welfare.

Being from a humble background, her people could only provide us with moral support.

My reason for writing to you has to do with the first marriage proposal I have received in my life. However, it is coming from a married man who is in his 50s. He has three children; two boys and a girl. The two boys have graduated while the girl is in her final year.

He has made it very clear that his interest in me isn’t to have children but to have someone he can really be happy with in his life. I met him shortly after my mother’s death three years ago and since then he has been on my neck to marry him.

I have kept on resisting him because from an early age, I made up my mind not to date any married man.

The funny thing about this relationship is my getting pregnant with ease for him, another first in my life. The first time it happened two years ago, without telling him, I had a quiet abortion after which I tried to prevent another occurrence.

Without meaning it to happen again, I got pregnant three months ago. I didn’t even know it until I got confirmation from his doctor after several treatments for malaria that refused to go.

I didn’t know how it happened because I still had my coil in place.

Now the pressure is so much from everybody around me, including all my friends, who have given up any hope of me ever getting married.

But the snag is my pastor insisting it isn’t right to marry a married man and that if I go ahead to marry him, I would lose my place in the church. Already, I have been suspended from my duties as head usher following my confession of being pregnant.

I am really confused. Do I insist on terminating this pregnancy or what?

Every member of his family, including the wife and children are aware of his relationship with me as well as the pending baby. As a matter of fact, his wife told me when she came to see me that if I would give him the happiness she can’t, she was all for it. She also cautioned against me making her mistake. She said, I should always make him happy.

Deliberately, I have refused to get involved in whatever problem they seem to be having since neither of them is willing to talk deeply about it.

Agatha, what do you suggest I do because my doctor says at my age I am very lucky to get pregnant and that I may never be this lucky again.

I am so confused because in this man, I see everything I have always dreamt of in a man but I don’t know why this package comes with prohibitions. Please help me.

Derinola.

 

---

Dear Derinola,

Perish whatever idea you may be having about terminating the pregnancy. You did it once, don’t do it again because that would be taking the mercy of God for granted.

He only knows what he is doing or what he wants to achieve by this situation. No man or woman can guess God’s reason in almost all matters.

It is instructive that he is the first man who has been able to get you pregnant as well as the first to offer you a marriage proposal. This is one typical situation where God goes against the norm of men to achieve the expectations of men.

He is an unquestionable God, one who doesn’t need anybody’s permission to do as he pleases.

Whether your pastor likes it or not, a decision has been taken by God so who are we to stand against it?

This is the mystery of His name and powers. Biologically at 44, you have very slim chances of being able to get pregnant again because you are fast approaching menopause. Socially, at 44, you are past the age men fall over themselves in search for your hand in marriage. If you were unable to get any of these men to propose marriage to you in your younger days; how do you propose to do that now?

Forget what the pastor is saying; go to God on your own because this is a very personal issue between you and God. From what he has done with you, it is obvious that his plans for you are completely different from the way he deals with others.

If he wants you to marry this man as his second wife, your meeting with him would point you in the direction to go. You are at a very delicate crossroad in your life; one that requires you to completely entrust your all to God, to look past the condemnation of men and listen to what instructions he gives to you.

Most times, what seems so wrong in the eyes of men; always turns out to be a blessing in disguise. God alone knows the sacrifices this man has had to put up with in his marriage. He alone knows why the two of you were brought together and allowed this child happen despite the family planning device you had in place.

Give yourself up to the desires of God because what is happening in your life is beyond you or anyone.

As for the baby, ensure you and your man come to an agreement whether or not you both decide to marry. Adequate provisions must be made for the baby outside the joint interest he and his first wife may have.

This is to ensure your baby’s future is secured and also to prevent rancour between you and his other children should anything happen to him.

Once you both agree to what your limits are in the relationship and refuse to be used by him or his family to inflict more emotional injury on his wife and children, things would work out eventually. Even though she has offered you her support and encouragement, don’t do anything to incur the wrath of God when you eventually get to know whatever the problem is between the two of them. Believe me, marriage is a very slippery and uncertain voyage and no one ever has all the answers to it. Only the grace of God helps to sustain the institution.

Despite what has happened, never leave the presence of God due to guilt. The time for that is long gone. Had you declined his offer from friendship from the beginning this wouldn’t have happened but who are we to question the ways of God?

If the leadership of your current church is hostile, ask God to direct you to another place where you can worship him in peace and happiness. Above all, always remember that nothing in life happens to any of us without the express permission of God. So, see what is happening to you as answer to all the petitions you have sent before his throne. You may not like the format the answers are taking but learning to accept them as your cross is the only way God’s ways and reasons can manifest. To take laws into your hands is to destroy the will of God for you because you cannot please both man and God at the same time. Only God has the right to condemn; not you, not me or even a servant of God.

Good luck. 

He Has A Love Child

Dear Agatha,

This is my 12^th year in a marriage that has produced three girls and I am in a fix.

Even though I cannot claim to have had a perfect marriage but we have been able to survive the turbulences till date.

His family members, especially his mother for the reason that I have three daughters, does not exactly like me.

She never gets tired of reminding me that in their part of the country, they are Ishan, from Edo State daughters don’t count. She once told me not to be too relaxed as her son’s wife since I have given them no reason to recognise me as one.

Knowing that in my own place too, the same principle applies, I always ignore her. However, when my husband travelled to South Africa for a two-month training programme, she came to inform me that he might decide to stay there, get married and have a real woman who can give her grandsons.

Because I was always suspecting my husband of having an affair with this particular woman whom I have seen him with on several occasions, I was really afraid and took it out on my mother-in-law. I reminded her too of her own inability to have sons early in her marriage as she gave birth to four girls before giving birth to her only son, my husband. I told her not to force my husband into polygamy as her own mother-in-law did.

That day, our disagreement took another dimension as she violently assaulted me. That didn’t end the matter as her daughters all came the next day to take their turns in beating me for daring to confront their mother.

Their father, being too old to do anything, begged me not to be offended by what his wife and daughters did to me. He assured me that I would eventually have a son and that his granddaughters were very precious to him.

That night my husband called demanding to know why I assaulted his mother. He didn’t even give me a chance to state my own side of the story before condemning me.

It was a familiar pattern with him so I hung the phone in anger. For three weeks he didn’t bother to call. The whole incident was too much for me so I went to his father to register my anger and displeasure at the way my husband reacted. His father still pleaded for patience.

That was five years ago. His father died while he was still in South Africa. He came home straight for his burial preparations. Being the first son, he has two other brothers from his stepmother; everything was suspended until his return. In the frenzy, I forgot about our disagreement.

I didn’t bother to refer to it again just as he too didn’t, more so as his mother became very sick afterwards. Till date, she is still bedridden.

Agatha, five years after that incident, my husband has finally decided to admit what happened all those years. He actually travelled with the lady I suspected him to be having an affair with to South Africa since his company made provision for them to go with their wives.

They have a daughter. From what I gathered, the mother’s sickness began when she was told that the other lady also gave birth to a daughter.

Now his sisters, sick mother and my husband are begging me to forgive them as well as accept the child into my home since the mother has since remarried.

How do I accept the child who was meant to send me out of my home? What would have happened if she were a boy?

I am hurting at the betrayal and the role of my husband because never again would I trust him. I am thinking of leaving the house for him and this child because her presence would forever remind me of the treachery of my in-laws as well as my husband’s betrayal.

I just want to leave his life and home with my daughters. After all, his mother once told me that they are not recognised as children.

I am so confused; please help me before I make a mistake I might regret for life because you are my only hope.

Christy.

 

---

Dear Christy,

I honesty empathise with you but leaving your home with your children isn’t a solution at all so please perish such thoughts from your mind.

What do you hope to achieve by leaving your home? It simply doesn’t make sense at all. Problems are meant to be solved. Running away won’t make it vanish at all, rather time would complicate things so much it would require another lifetime to put it right.

Don’t make the mistake of your in-laws who are now using extra time to resolve an issue they should have dealt with five years ago.

Doubtless, you have every reason to be bitter, betrayed and very disappointed, you won’t be human if you didn’t feel the way you are feeling now.

If you know you cannot for now trust your reaction, please plead for time and be very frank about why you cannot give them any answer for now. Don’t try to hide your feelings over this matter. Let them know that they have hurt you collectively and you will need sometime to get over the fact that for five years, they and your husband hid the existence of this child from you. Ask them the question if they would have considered it appropriate to come to plead with you if she were a boy.

To prevent you being misunderstood, make it clear that your anger isn’t against the child but the manner under which she was conceived and what her mother and all of them who are now begging you hoped to achieve through her.

This clarification has to be made for the purpose of future relationships.

Don’t lose sight of the fact that this girl and your children are related paternally. They would always have reasons to relate as children of the same father so care must be taken by you not to cause a division, which could lead to a fundamental problem for them. Your role as the woman in the house is not just to have children or care for the emotional needs of your husband, you are also to help provide the children and everyone who comes in contact with your family the attitude to scale life with minimal difficulties.

Refusing to accept this child would be sending the wrong signal to your children. Your reaction would inform how they relate with this child. One of the best gifts you can bequeath to children is never to show them the colours of hatred. Once they know what it looks like, getting them to forget the colours will not be easy. You must therefore do everything within your power to ensure they don’t form their opinion from your own attitude.

This is the time you have to carry your cross on your own. Nobody chose this man for you. What would you tell your children is the reason for leaving their father?

Difficult as this is for you, infidelity among men globally is now a very common trend, one which many wives across the world are learning to cope with without quitting their homes. To quit is to accept defeat and make way for your detractors to laugh at your pain. Life is sweetest when one is able to change one’s pain into strength.

If you leave, he would be free to marry as many women as he wants. If you are not thinking of yourself, what about the children who would have to deal with the issue of having so many step-siblings?

Yes, your husband and his family did the unforgivable but throwing the baby out with the bath water is not a solution.

One way to neutralise the influence of his family over him permanently is to embrace this child and look after her as one of your own. By forgiving him and accepting to look after the child, you prevent him from making the same mistake. If nothing, his family now knows that only God can determine the gender of a child and not them.

As a matter of fact, you should be grateful to God that their attempt to play God in the life of their son failed woefully. God and not you did this so don’t offend the assistance of God by quitting now else you risk being left alone by him to fight your battles. If I were you I would take the child in because from what has happened it shows the great hands of God on your side.

Besides, if from this early age, you learn to invest love in the still barren mind of this child, you stand to reap profitably from the effort.

I appreciate it may not be very easy at first but with time, patience and tolerance would triumph at the end of the day.

With prayers this nightmare would be over, leaving you to again enjoy the joy of your marriage.

Also, with your mother-in-law bedridden, forgive her so that she can have the peace that has eluded her since she stood against the will of God in your life.

It is the least you can do for her because God fought on your side.

Good luck.